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tyler 04-09-2011 04:18 PM

Just don't feel "good"
I sometimes wonder if I ever will. Not that using really made me feel good, but at least I didn't care. I don't even feel like using right now, just feel like crap. I'm really getting sick of this roller coaster ride, I don't like it. I know part of it is adjusting to new meds, but I seriously wonder if they will ever get it right, and if they do, how will I know what right is? Anyway, just venting I guess. Hope everyone is doing better than I am. Take care.:headbange

Dee74 04-09-2011 05:26 PM

I just posted this for someone else Tyler - I hope you might get something out of it too.

If Growth in Recovery was Linear, Then Getting Clean and Sober Would be Easy

I had to trust people when they said things get better, cos I couldn't see it - and I didn't see it for a while. I was ground down pretty good.


AnthonyV 04-09-2011 05:54 PM

I hope that you find peace and happiness in recovery. It really can be worth the hard work, and it definitely is better than the pain active addiction causes. My heart aches when I read about someone who wants to recover but is struggling because I have been there too.

I found that mindfullness meditation has been a powerful tool in my recovery, especially earlier on when every thought in my brain was about using. If you are interested this website might help:

Addiction and Zen

My recovery program also includes SMART Recovery, that program also has many tools to help alleviate the mental obsession with using. Here is a link to the SMART tool box:

SMART RecoveryŽ - Tool Chest and Homework

My wish for you today is that you find a rewarding vision of your life sober that gives you enough power and courage to fight your battle. You can win this and beat this!

LaFemme 04-09-2011 08:08 PM


I like what Dee said. I spent the first 4 months sober coming down with every bug in a 50 mile radius...I was like wtf....I'm finally sober and I'm sick?!?! I still wish thikngs would come together faster but I am learning patience:)

Feel better soon!

tyler 04-10-2011 06:48 AM

Feeling a little better this morning. I am just having a hard time with life, I guess. I don't really have any desire to use at all. I know it's not going to help, I just want to, somehow, feel "better". Days like yesterday I just feel so hopeless, like, "this is all there is?" It's only been a couple of weeks since I got out of the hospital for depression, so I know I am still adjusting to medication, but it is so frustrating.

Some days I feel fine, some days I am almost hyper and "buzzing", other days, like yesterday I am feel hopeless and depressed. I don't know who I am going to wake up as from day to day.

Sobriety wise, I am doing fine. It's been months since I've had a drink and much longer than that since I've been drunk. I haven't gotten high in over a month and have no desire to do so. I just wish I could get a handle on my emotions.

Well, at least I am feeling better today than I did yesterday. Thanks for they comments. Take care.

recycle 04-10-2011 08:01 AM

Originally Posted by tyler (Post 2929745)
I just wish I could get a handle on my emotions.

Is there something you can do besides wishing? My psychologist recommended The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I am not much on self help books, but it has are some solid hands-on techniques that worked for me.

For me it was all about getting some perspective on my emotions. I see emotions as thoughts that have a physical manifestation. I am thinking I am sad, and my body is squirting out all these sad chemicals, and I feel sad. It is really no different than thinking 'I am a dinosaur', except my body does not have any 'feel like a dinosaur' chemicals to squirt. Of course I am over simplifying, but I got a lot of mileage out of the idea that I did not have to believe everything I think.

Hang in there Tyler, knowing that using will not help, is a powerful thought.

azureseas 04-10-2011 08:53 PM

hey Taylor
Thanks for the post. That's what makes this place work, sharing our troubles, maybe seeing ourselves in those stories. It really helps me not to feel alone in what we are all experiencing :-)

Zencat 04-11-2011 10:15 AM

It can be difficult adjusting to new med's. Sometimes it helps me when I'm feeling down of just funky, is to do something that used to enjoy when I was feeling better. Once I overcome the feelings of reluctance, apathy, indifference...etc. I actually get into it once I start.

Anywho, just sending out some good vibes. Hope things get better soon.

tyler 04-11-2011 05:27 PM

Perhaps this would be better posted in the Mental Health section, as I'm doing fine as far as the substance abuse stuff, but I this is the forum I feel most comfortable posting in, so hopefully everyone will bear with me.

I'm really having a problem just dealing with life in general. Work is a big part of it. I work in sales and it is quite stressful, but to be honest, I think I'd have the same issues in just about any job. It's really all I've ever done, except for the years I worked as a radio DJ which is not an option to return to. The pressure is building to the point I feel like I'm going to snap. I'm only a few weeks out of the mental hospital since the last time I started freaking out. I feel like if I can't do this job, I can't support myself (I really only partially do that anyway, as I have been living with my parents for the last 5 years, basically since my suicide attempt). If I can't even contribute something financially, I feel completely worthless.

I am trying to use "feel" as much as possible, as in my heart I realize that these are feelings, not necessarily reality. I know at some point I will feel better. The problem is that I always still end up feeling like this, and I don't know how much more of it I can take.

I just about lost it at work today, and it was really nothing particularly bad that happened. I just feel the pressure building up inside to the point I want to hit something. I had to step to the back of the store and I almost put my fist though the wall. I was able to take some deep breaths and go back out and finish my shift but just felt so full of rage when I left that I had to stop myself from driving head on into the other lane. I kept seeing it in my mind, especially when I passed a big truck.

When I got home I went straight to the gym and worked out, almost to the point of being self abusive. I did feel somewhat better after that, but I am still feeling rather hopeless. If tomorrow is like this I think I am going to try to see my doctor on Wednesday, when I'm off work. I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to stay positive, but not doing very well with it. (Negativity right there, I guess) I'm exercising, meditating as best I can and trying to share how I am feeling. I just want to feel better. Is that too much to ask??

LaFemme 04-11-2011 06:55 PM

Hugs far as I am concerned post here all you like...heck I feel most comfortable here even though I'm a pretty devout theist:)

Since it is a mental health issue I am glad you are going to the doctor and I hope they can help you balance out whatever is out of whack. It isn't too much to want to be happy and well. I am sending you positive thoughts and prayers.


azureseas 04-12-2011 06:46 AM

Give yourself credit for what you have achieved so far, you are moving in the right direction, that's not always easy but you are doing it.
I read a book called Women Food and God recently, its about food addiction, but it could be about any addiction. One of the things she wrote struck me:

when I am willing to question and therefore feel whatever is there - terror, hatred, anger - with curiosity,
the feelings relax, because they are met with kindness and openness instead of resistance and rejection

She talks about being kind to yourself, which is something I hadn't thought of doing before. I like that idea. I thought I had to be hard on myself to achieve. She also says if you have a tough time doing this think back to yourself as a young child, you can be kind and gentle to that person.

Our bodies and minds are such curious things. I find it amazing that some chemical imbalance can make us feel like total s#*t. Like La Femme says I'm glad you are going to the doctor. Keep on posting Tyler, its good to hear from you

Artoro 04-12-2011 07:28 AM

I think that a lot of us alcohol/drug abusers feel hopelessness and emptiness because we have a hard time finding a meaning to our life. Therefore I think it's super important for us to strive hard for finding a meaning, goals to aim for. This could be in work (or some action), in love (caring for another person) or just to hold our head up high in hard times.

If you've seen the movie Fight Club, do you remember the Human Sacrifice scene, where they threaten to shoot a store clerk if he doesn't tell them what he wants most to do with his life and starts working towards it?

Well that might be a bit extreme but what would you say if you were in the clerk's shoes?

Zencat 04-12-2011 08:46 AM

Hi Tyler, have you ever been on SSDI? if you have it might be good time to get back on it or get on it. Then you can have the time to work on feeling better without the pressure of work. I know SSDI is the last resort because of the low benefits pay, but maybe it will afford you the time to attend self-help groups and counseling. Just a thought.

tyler 04-12-2011 10:41 AM

So I talked to the doctor today. All he said was that I felt like I was going to hurt myself I should go back to the hospital. I don't know if I am willing to put myself through that again. I had 2 appointments scheduled with a therapist, but she said she was going to set me up with another person that "was easier to get in with." As it turns out, this person can only see me on Monday's, so that didn't work out and they went and canceled the appointments I had with the first person. I'm really trying to reach out for help, but I just keep getting shot down. I'm just about ready to give up. I really don't care anymore. Sorry to be such a downer.

LaFemme 04-12-2011 11:50 AM

I'm sorry people are being difficult Tyler. It's really disturbing that you aren't able to get able when reaching out for it.

I notice your avatar is a surfing picture, not sure if that's you or not. If you are close enough, maybe sitting by the sea for a bit will help. It might sound trivial but it is my one sure fire way to feel better, and I am making the assumption about you that it might help as well because of your avatar.

Thinking of you.



recycle 04-12-2011 11:51 AM

I had a similar experience with the mental health system. I was standing there in a paper suit, and they were trying to figure out if I was suicidal or not. Everyone could see I was suffering and fortunately they came up with a great solution: "We made an appointment with a psychologist for 2 weeks from Wednesday. Would you like some orange juice?" It was Thursday...

tyler 04-12-2011 01:57 PM

Thanks for the good thoughts.

I wish that were me surfing, I do love the ocean, but have never been able to surf. I'm only a few hours from the beach, and I might try to do that tomorrow, as I don't have to work.

I wish I thought the problem was the job, I could always just quit that, but it is life in general. I have no interest in anything at all, not even my video games, and I've been an avid gamer going back to the Atari 2600 days. I turn my Xbox on and don't even care about playing anything. I'm pretty sure the meds are the problem, as I'm on a half dozen of them, but there doesn't seem to be anything, short of checking back into the mental ward, that I can do about it. I've been hospitalized 3 times, and while I understand it's not really meant to be a stay at the Hilton, the last time was particularly bad. I have sleep issues (tried Ambien and Lunesta, they don't do anything for me) and the beds in the ward inflate and deflate continually (I guess either to prevent bed sores or if not completely crazy, to drive us there). The whole week I was there I was exhausted, uncomfortable, and generally found it to be not helpful. It did keep me from killing myself, it's lone saving grace, I suppose.

So I don't know what to do. Even if I could get in with a therapist, I don't think that's going to help. I need to somehow feel better. I've attempted suicide before, and it wasn't the "crying out for help" kind of attempt. It was the "I want to be dead" kind, that was foiled only through what I can only describe as "an act of God". And I am agnostic. I don't want to get to that point again, but I know the signs and am headed down that path. I've got a 10 year old son that I need to be around for. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be like this. I just don't know what to do about it.

I live with my parents (I have since my suicide attempt) so at least I think I'm in a "safe" place. I think I could deal with how I am feeling if there was at least some kind of "plan" to get better, but a doctors appointment a month and a half away just isn't cutting it. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Thanks again for everyone's comments and support.

tyler 04-13-2011 07:17 AM

Feeling better today. Not sure if it just because I am off work. I did get an appointment with my old doctor for later today, so hopefully she can help me get my meds straight. Thanks to everyone for listening.

jamdls 04-13-2011 10:58 AM

Hi Tyler, glad you are feeling a bit better today. I hope you can find something to make you happy, for everyone it's different; I've dealt with depression for 40 some years and only in the past couple of yrs have I found some measure of peace and joy. Sobriety started me on the path out of depression but I was probably in recovery for at least 2 yrs before I started to feel at peace. I hope you can work with your doctors to find what helps you.

Originally Posted by tyler (Post 2932611)
I've been hospitalized 3 times, and while I understand it's not really meant to be a stay at the Hilton, the last time was particularly bad. I have sleep issues (tried Ambien and Lunesta, they don't do anything for me) and the beds in the ward inflate and deflate continually (I guess either to prevent bed sores or if not completely crazy, to drive us there). The whole week I was there I was exhausted, uncomfortable, and generally found it to be not helpful. It did keep me from killing myself, it's lone saving grace, I suppose.


When I was hospitaled in '07 when I tried to kill myself (for me too there was no medical explanation why I survived it had to be divine intervention), the beds did the same dang thing!! On my 5th and 6th night (I think) I was convinced there were ghosts in my room because of the way the bed kept inflating and deflating I envision this old woman kept sitting on the bed and getting up and I figured she had previously died in the room; then I thought it was my cat that had been dead a year kept jumping off and on the bed..... sheesh finally on the 7th day I was consciounse enough to get out of the bed and investigate the bed and only then realized the bed was automatically inflating and deflating. I'd forgotten about that until you wrote that... another good reason to not try an off myself again.

tyler 04-13-2011 05:22 PM

EVERY 32 SECONDS!!!!!! I counted!!!! I can laugh about it now, but at the time I felt like it was some kind of sick joke to take someone who was already in a bad place and drive them completely over the edge!! Then they acted like I was imagining it or something. I even had them bring me in a different bed, and it did the same thing!! After the 3rd night they moved me to a different room because the room shared a bathroom and they needed to move a female patient next door. The new room had just a "normal" uncomfortable hospital bed. It was one of my happiest days!!

Saw the doc today. She changed some of the meds around. We'll see I guess. I've tried just about everything out there at one time or another, the problem being I was also using as well. Clean and sober about a month now, thought about drinking last night, but decided it was pretty pointless, so I didn't.

I also got an appointment set for a therapy group. The times I've been hospitalized or in rehab, I always found the groups to be by far the most helpful thing. Unfortunately, I've never been able to find anything on the "outside" I could go to. I'm cautiously optimistic about it. Doing better today at least. Back to work tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

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