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Is this a crazy idea? Need reality check

Old 05-17-2009, 09:28 PM
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Is this a crazy idea? Need reality check

I can't do inpatient. It's a given. My outpatient is not enough. I've been screwing up. What I am thinking of doing is to ask my BF to move in with me for 30 days to serve as a sobriety police, until I can get on track. He abhors my drinking. He works in mental health and knows all this stuff. I'd be willing to pay his rent where he lives. He can live here, come and go as he pleases, I'll cook clean do laundry, etc. All I want from him is to be here and I'd go so far as a daily breathlyzer test.

Plus, neither one of us is getting any younger and it would be a test of sorts to see if we could put a long term relationship together. I am either thinking outside the box, asking too much, or just flat out nuts. Thoughts? Thanks. You guys know how it is and I want your perspective.

Oh, I already broached him with this idea today. He says he doesn't know if he could take that much time off and I'd need to pay his salary. Haha. What I can see that would work would be accountability and a test each day. But what does that say about the extent of my problem? Nonetheless, I know he's gone very soon if I don't straighten up and fly right. Either that or I'm gone very soon.
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Old 05-17-2009, 09:47 PM
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Why can't you do inpatient? Just curious. I am not going to give any advice on the BF acting as sobriety police....just don't see how/why that would work. I do think there may be some codepenency issues though...I kinda went through a similar experience years ago. My BF couldn't keep me from drinking. We are no longer together. I kept on drinking until I was ready to quit for me --not anyone else.

Let me ask you this--if he left for another reason.....would you still want to be sober?
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Old 05-17-2009, 09:51 PM
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Katie,
I wish you the very best but I do not believe this is a good idea AT ALL.
I do not think it is fair to ask anyone to be your alcohol police, but especially not a significant other. This is not fair to him or your relationship, in my opinion.
So, let's say you do this and then...what?
If you stay sober because you are being policed, what does that prove?
Is he going to be expected to be your policeman forever? Or just 30 days? What happens at 30 days? Are you cured, don't need a policeman, he leaves and all is good? I just do not see how this is supposed to work?
If you are not done, you are not done, IMO.
And if you want to drink and actually do not because he is there, that could start a resentment on your side or you could do what I used to do when I wanted to drink and my husband was around. I would just start a fight to get him to leave possibly and give me an excuse to drink.
Ok, maybe I am now rambling, but these are my thoughts on your question....
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Old 05-17-2009, 09:54 PM
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He has a stabilizing affect around me, as he hates it and won't tolerate it. I somehow think if I could get 30 days under my belt I'd be off and running. But maybe I am asking too much. Maybe it's a crazy thought. All I know is he keeps me in line when I am around him. He is protective and comes down hard on me. For example, last night we went to the casino which I hate. I got so bored we agreed I could have ONE drink. Well, I couldn't find him so I had two. He flipped. We fought. He thought I lied and said I'd compromised our relationship. I refuse to choose a drink over a human being, yet I fear for that. This is why I feel I need an external control.

ETA: He and I just don't want me drinking and we are both on the same page.

Last edited by shockozulu; 05-18-2009 at 08:19 AM. Reason: Deleted mentions of 12 steps
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:12 PM
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If I believed in the idea of alcohol police I'd want one that wouldn't let me have any drinks, bored or not, Katie. First red flag.

Been there done that, from both sides - there's resentment (from both partners) and there's too much responsibility for your bf...and not enough for you.

No external factor ever worked for me. If it was imposed upon me, I bucked.

Making your partner a policeman might just end yr relationship.

D
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Old 05-17-2009, 10:19 PM
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Katie,

All I can share is my experience. My husband and I have been married almost 10 years.
He is a normie who chooses to have a beer maybe once a year or so. He HATED my drinking. His love and feeling toward my alcoholism kept me from dying probably but it never kept me sober. I learned how to hide it very well and truthfully, did a lot of my drinking in my car on my way home from work so that he did not see it. I know it was crazy making for him. He had no idea why I got such a buzz off of the 1 or 2 glasses of wine he occasionally saw me drink.

So, he always felt like I just needed to slow down and not drink so much too. Why? Because he did not/does not understand what it is like to be an alcoholic. So I would promise to only have one or two or whatever drinks. Sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't/couldn't. In fact I was 9 months sober before he realized that I meant to never drink again. He kept asking when I thought I might have a drink now and then again. Funny, considering he does not drink. But I would just tell him, I don't know, but I am not going to drink today.

So I guess what I am saying is that while your boyfriend may think that you can have one or that this is a good idea to make you promise to only have one. You are only going to get sober when YOU know that you can't and are willing to do whatever it takes not to.
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Old 05-18-2009, 01:53 AM
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Well, thanks all. I guess it IS kind of a crazy idea, afterall. That's why I came here for a reality check. Even if I were to suggest it, it would probably only flip him out more that I'd even have to ask this.

I guess we only quit when we want to completely. And even though he hates my drinking, it was he who brought up the idea that if I were "good enough" at the casino maybe we'd have one glass of wine. Like I said, I hate the casino and maybe that was a test of some sorts. We ended up agreeing I don't go to the casino anymore. Ok by me. I'd be willing to play Bingo but even that isn't really like going to a casino. I just try to find a compromise. So, I will scratch that idea. I guess it isn't fair to him and I'm just being selfish, but it's good to have all of your input.
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Old 05-18-2009, 09:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Katie09 View Post
All I know is he keeps me in line when I am around him. He is protective and comes down hard on me. For example, last night we went to the casino which I hate. I got so bored we agreed I could have ONE drink.
Katie,

He is neither protective nor coming down hard on you, nor keeping you in line. Obviously. And good for him. It's just not his job.

Over years of experience with trial and error, most of us have found that this kind of policing simply does not work. I won't get in to what a cluster that would bring to a romantic relationship. Let's stick to the experience that policing isn't effective.

Take it a step further and get locked up in a 30 day rehab. The relapse rates for those going to rehab are very high. So, even in a 'perfect' policing setting where alcohol is not available, you are learning tons, great support, most folks go back to drinking after holding their breath for a month.

Real recovery seems to be an inside job. A vast fundamental change in the person.
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Old 05-18-2009, 09:40 AM
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Originally Posted by keithj View Post
Katie,

He is neither protective nor coming down hard on you, nor keeping you in line. Obviously. And good for him. It's just not his job.

Over years of experience with trial and error, most of us have found that this kind of policing simply does not work. I won't get in to what a cluster that would bring to a romantic relationship. Let's stick to the experience that policing isn't effective.

Take it a step further and get locked up in a 30 day rehab. The relapse rates for those going to rehab are very high. So, even in a 'perfect' policing setting where alcohol is not available, you are learning tons, great support, most folks go back to drinking after holding their breath for a month.

Real recovery seems to be an inside job. A vast fundamental change in the person.
Yes, I agree with you. It is an inside job. I talked with my GF this a.m. and she said she agrees with him about his having gotten angry with me and that I really do change (and not for the better) after only two glasses of wine. I guess the truth is I really can't have even one or it'll lead to more. Even if I would have had one I would have said "oh, I just had one the other day so I can go to the store and do it again" - invariably to only end up with a whole bottle I'd drink and maybe more.

My BF does not like drinking Katie but he does like sober Katie. It's just that it's really hard to be sober with someone after all you've known is to drink with them. He is not a big drinker and leaves it more often than not. He was drinking coke at the casino the other night - not even one anything alcohol. And things are different (much better) this time around as he knows I am trying to do this thing.

Thanks for your input and everyone else's.
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Old 05-18-2009, 03:48 PM
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I think you are already on board with it being a bad idea. But I am still throwing in my strong opinion of "very bad idea."
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Old 05-19-2009, 05:30 PM
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There were some great posts in here that needed to be moderated. I moved them over to Secular 12 Steps.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iscussion.html
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Old 06-17-2009, 06:30 PM
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bump

Since it seems you are revisiting the idea on the alcoholism forums, or I am missing the difference
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