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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
It looks like the session was productive and positive for both of you… so happy to hear this update tonight. God Bless him that hes sticking to his zero tolerance policy..I bet there are many women reading this who would love to swap husbands just based on this declaration. LOL
I do agree in principle. My husband and I used the same concept.. this was the goal… but we did allow for slips if they were to happen and had a relapse plan with ¬escalating actions we would each take based on the situation. Sounds like this type of plan is what the addiction doctor is suggesting.
My husband also had a relapse prevention plan, and it was discussed with me in detail.. the theory is the better I could understand, offer support, and be prepared the better it would be for both of us. It was interesting to hear you mention H.A.L.T the other day because those things were in my husbands prevention plan along with identifying people, places, things, emotions that would trigger him.. or were precursors that might lead him to something else that might trigger him.. Most of this was his to work out, but it was helpful for me to understand warning signs & we relied on communication whenever he identified signs, or I was concerned I saw a sign… we also worked with a therapist to keep us on track.. it sounds complicated but it wasn’t so bad & more importantly it worked for him.
Your husband sounds very receptive to all the input and help he is being offered. I think it’s a good sign. I also like that he is mixing things up & adding in holistic treatments too. Acupuncture, meditation, mindfulness, healthy eating, exercise and various another things can be good for both the mind and body.
Outside looking in.. you have both changed a lot in the last few months. Wasn’t it Thanksgiving when the norm was keeping this addiction locked in privacy in the basement.. now its out in the light; he has even shared it with his employer. He has help available from many angles.. and you now have a widening network of support. Are you still going to be seeing the addiction doctor alone, and continue the marriage counseling like it was scheduled? Have you given any other thought to what else might help you?… having a son almost the same age.. Im wondering if there is a way you could get help with childcare periodically. Enough that you could make some time for yourself, have a date night, go out with friends, an exercise class, shopping.. Whatever would help energize you.. our kids at this age are adorable, but I confess.. my son can also be exhausting.
Thank you for posting an update; I was thinking about you today.
I do agree in principle. My husband and I used the same concept.. this was the goal… but we did allow for slips if they were to happen and had a relapse plan with ¬escalating actions we would each take based on the situation. Sounds like this type of plan is what the addiction doctor is suggesting.
My husband also had a relapse prevention plan, and it was discussed with me in detail.. the theory is the better I could understand, offer support, and be prepared the better it would be for both of us. It was interesting to hear you mention H.A.L.T the other day because those things were in my husbands prevention plan along with identifying people, places, things, emotions that would trigger him.. or were precursors that might lead him to something else that might trigger him.. Most of this was his to work out, but it was helpful for me to understand warning signs & we relied on communication whenever he identified signs, or I was concerned I saw a sign… we also worked with a therapist to keep us on track.. it sounds complicated but it wasn’t so bad & more importantly it worked for him.
Your husband sounds very receptive to all the input and help he is being offered. I think it’s a good sign. I also like that he is mixing things up & adding in holistic treatments too. Acupuncture, meditation, mindfulness, healthy eating, exercise and various another things can be good for both the mind and body.
Outside looking in.. you have both changed a lot in the last few months. Wasn’t it Thanksgiving when the norm was keeping this addiction locked in privacy in the basement.. now its out in the light; he has even shared it with his employer. He has help available from many angles.. and you now have a widening network of support. Are you still going to be seeing the addiction doctor alone, and continue the marriage counseling like it was scheduled? Have you given any other thought to what else might help you?… having a son almost the same age.. Im wondering if there is a way you could get help with childcare periodically. Enough that you could make some time for yourself, have a date night, go out with friends, an exercise class, shopping.. Whatever would help energize you.. our kids at this age are adorable, but I confess.. my son can also be exhausting.
Thank you for posting an update; I was thinking about you today.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Glad you had a nice counseling session. Addiction can be very tricky. I do think your husband wants to have a nice, happy family, but at the same time he needs to understand that alcohol must be out of the equation for that to happen, and that both are not possible.
At the current time, my husband has been choosing "the happy family" over the alcohol, but I don't know how long it will last. I know that deep down he believes he can have both, so I have had to remind him of the countless times the police have had to be called, the verbal altercations, etc etc when he has drank.
I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and I think all alcoholics have to come to that point where we say to ourselves enough is enough, this misery needs to end.
Hopefully your husband is at that point. But as I said in an earlier post, your husband seems to be very addicted.
In my opinion, there are two options for your husband to be successful at this:
(1) I think he needs to join a support group like AA or another recovery group, and do the 90 meetings in 90 days. Counseling will only take an addict so far in their recovery. A counselor is not always available 24/7 like meetings can be. Even if someone does not agree with the theoretical principle behind AA, he or she can hopefully move beyond that and use the meetings as a source of sober support.
(2) If he does not choose the above option and continues to relapse, he may end up needing a 30 day inpatient rehab program to get him on track with that many days of sobriety to see what it feels like being sober for more than a week and what triggers come up for him.
Keep us posted!
At the current time, my husband has been choosing "the happy family" over the alcohol, but I don't know how long it will last. I know that deep down he believes he can have both, so I have had to remind him of the countless times the police have had to be called, the verbal altercations, etc etc when he has drank.
I am a recovering alcoholic myself, and I think all alcoholics have to come to that point where we say to ourselves enough is enough, this misery needs to end.
Hopefully your husband is at that point. But as I said in an earlier post, your husband seems to be very addicted.
In my opinion, there are two options for your husband to be successful at this:
(1) I think he needs to join a support group like AA or another recovery group, and do the 90 meetings in 90 days. Counseling will only take an addict so far in their recovery. A counselor is not always available 24/7 like meetings can be. Even if someone does not agree with the theoretical principle behind AA, he or she can hopefully move beyond that and use the meetings as a source of sober support.
(2) If he does not choose the above option and continues to relapse, he may end up needing a 30 day inpatient rehab program to get him on track with that many days of sobriety to see what it feels like being sober for more than a week and what triggers come up for him.
Keep us posted!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Not sure what you did JustBreathe.. LOL.. I posted before you but it disappeared... even though it was showing I posted.. me and Cleanin were thinking we were seeing things.. then your post must have pushed it through or something.. very strange, not sure if you noticed.. but Thank You.
P.S. Im sorry about your husband not truly embracing recovery in the way you have. your doing great
My husband went to a non 12 step rehab and then he just relied on private therapy. Prayers your husband finds his way soon.. I think it must be a very stressful situation. At least your able to show him a good example by continuing to take care of yourself.
P.S. Im sorry about your husband not truly embracing recovery in the way you have. your doing great
My husband went to a non 12 step rehab and then he just relied on private therapy. Prayers your husband finds his way soon.. I think it must be a very stressful situation. At least your able to show him a good example by continuing to take care of yourself. Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
((Soverylost)) You never said if u like roller coasters? When u were a kid I bet u thought they were fun! Im teasing u! Sometimes I found laughter is the best medicine to deal with some of this stuff.
I know its hard, and all soooo confusing. As long as your in it, working as a team with each of you carrying your own responsibilities is my suggestion. Start now and try to figure out how to communicate, rely on one another, ways to build trust and mutual respect. Keep seeing him, and yourself as capable of change.
From Emily Dickinson
We never know how high we are Till we are called to rise; And then, if we are true to plan, Our statures touch the skies—
I know its hard, and all soooo confusing. As long as your in it, working as a team with each of you carrying your own responsibilities is my suggestion. Start now and try to figure out how to communicate, rely on one another, ways to build trust and mutual respect. Keep seeing him, and yourself as capable of change.
From Emily Dickinson
We never know how high we are Till we are called to rise; And then, if we are true to plan, Our statures touch the skies—
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't had a chance to update lately.
Things are going well. H is still working on things and is being very open and transparent. Lol he told our server at supper tonight that he just got out of rehab but it was a very positive experience. Lol. It's actually harder for me to be as open as he is.
I have been dealing with some anger and resentment. After our counselling the other day we continued the conversation at home, even into bed, and I got frustrated and cried. I know that he's still in his addict brain, it'll take at least 3 months to have it through his system but I'm impatient. And perhaps a bit unwilling to recognize my own contributions to this disease.
We still haven't worked on a relapse plan. H says it is important to him and we will do it but to quit bugging him about it. So i will try to step back. I'm just so scared that if I let up, he will relapse. He gets upset at this, says I need to have faith in him but his track record is pretty bad. I simply don't trust him. I can't.
Tonight over supper we talked about the positive changes we want to make, including becoming more healthy physically and mentally. He's got a long ways to go. I do too. I keep wanting to rush it.
I told him tonight that it felt like he was having an affair. And now that he's ended it I'm happy but will still need some time to trust him.
Things are going well. H is still working on things and is being very open and transparent. Lol he told our server at supper tonight that he just got out of rehab but it was a very positive experience. Lol. It's actually harder for me to be as open as he is.
I have been dealing with some anger and resentment. After our counselling the other day we continued the conversation at home, even into bed, and I got frustrated and cried. I know that he's still in his addict brain, it'll take at least 3 months to have it through his system but I'm impatient. And perhaps a bit unwilling to recognize my own contributions to this disease.
We still haven't worked on a relapse plan. H says it is important to him and we will do it but to quit bugging him about it. So i will try to step back. I'm just so scared that if I let up, he will relapse. He gets upset at this, says I need to have faith in him but his track record is pretty bad. I simply don't trust him. I can't.
Tonight over supper we talked about the positive changes we want to make, including becoming more healthy physically and mentally. He's got a long ways to go. I do too. I keep wanting to rush it.
I told him tonight that it felt like he was having an affair. And now that he's ended it I'm happy but will still need some time to trust him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by soverylost 
Hi everyone! Sorry I haven't had a chance to update lately.
Things are going well. H is still working on things and is being very open and transparent. Lol he told our server at supper tonight that he just got out of rehab but it was a very positive experience. Lol. It's actually harder for me to be as open as he is.
I have been dealing with some anger and resentment. After our counselling the other day we continued the conversation at home, even into bed, and I got frustrated and cried. I know that he's still in his addict brain, it'll take at least 3 months to have it through his system but I'm impatient. And perhaps a bit unwilling to recognize my own contributions to this disease.
We still haven't worked on a relapse plan. H says it is important to him and we will do it but to quit bugging him about it. So i will try to step back. I'm just so scared that if I let up, he will relapse. He gets upset at this, says I need to have faith in him but his track record is pretty bad. I simply don't trust him. I can't.
Tonight over supper we talked about the positive changes we want to make, including becoming more healthy physically and mentally. He's got a long ways to go. I do too. I keep wanting to rush it.
I told him tonight that it felt like he was having an affair. And now that he's ended it I'm happy but will still need some time to trust him.
Things are going well. H is still working on things and is being very open and transparent. Lol he told our server at supper tonight that he just got out of rehab but it was a very positive experience. Lol. It's actually harder for me to be as open as he is.
I have been dealing with some anger and resentment. After our counselling the other day we continued the conversation at home, even into bed, and I got frustrated and cried. I know that he's still in his addict brain, it'll take at least 3 months to have it through his system but I'm impatient. And perhaps a bit unwilling to recognize my own contributions to this disease.
We still haven't worked on a relapse plan. H says it is important to him and we will do it but to quit bugging him about it. So i will try to step back. I'm just so scared that if I let up, he will relapse. He gets upset at this, says I need to have faith in him but his track record is pretty bad. I simply don't trust him. I can't.
Tonight over supper we talked about the positive changes we want to make, including becoming more healthy physically and mentally. He's got a long ways to go. I do too. I keep wanting to rush it.
I told him tonight that it felt like he was having an affair. And now that he's ended it I'm happy but will still need some time to trust him.
Try breaking trust down into smaller pieces. Do you trust your husband understands he has a problem with alcohol and needs to stop drinking? Look at this man you know and ask yourself if you think he has it within him to make it through this journey and get to the other side?
And when you think about this last part make sure you add in your own beliefs about addiction and recovery. For me after the doctors helped me, I understood it will take time, there will be good days and bad, and try to keep myself even minded through each one not getting too high or too low especially at first. I had to accept there could be setbacks, slips, relapses, times he was frustrated and felt like giving up. Its part of the process.
When husbunny found the drug at home and took it I was thinking how could he? Why would he? It hurt me. But I learned it wasnt about me, or how much he loved me, and it didnt represent much of anything except he needed to keep working and get stronger. I looked at the help he was getting and I trusted in his doctors and this gave me peace too.
While he is working or putting off working on his relapse plan Ha! start on yours. Start thinking about your emotions, being able to separate your fear, hurt from the reality of the situation and things like this. How you will feel inside and how you will respond to him on the outside. Does this make sense? Prepare yourself emotionally, and if it doesnt happen then it still wont be a waste, because it will help you organize your thoughts, feelings, beliefs about recovery process.
Break trust down and start small, then let it grow as you see him being faithful in his efforts to go forward.
((Soverylost))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
Thank you Blue for the excellent suggestion: Break trust down and start small, then let it grow. This is exactly what I need to do. So hard tho! It's so great to talk to people who understand where I am though, because they have been there!!
I never thought of making my own relapse plan. I will work on that. I know when he relapsed after being home just a few days, I completely lost it. Not yelling and screaming lost it, but completely closed off to him and became very cold towards him. That's been my coping mechanism for the last few years, building a wall to protect myself. I need to start slowly taking down the wall, but prepare for the just-in-cases. I wish I could be one of those understanding wives who are so nurturing and supportive, but instead I turn into a cold unemotional person who doesn't want to feel anything.
Your questions are great. So, the first one, do I trust that H knows he has a problem and needs to stop drinking? Yes and no. I trust that he knows he has a problem. I do not think he completely understands the extent of it quite yet. He tells people he wasn't a heavy drinker. Maybe compared to some people at detox he wasn't, but a bottle of 26 oz of rum 3 or 4 times a week is heavy. He still thinks that I am part of the problem, a few nights ago after our marriage session he said I need to consider my actions and why he started drinking. I told him I am in the same relationship he is and if it was so bad, why am I not an alcoholic too? He doesn't get that yet. I know we had problems, but to me they were just normal relationship problems - finances, young children, stuff like that. To him, they were mountains I guess.
Second, my own beliefs about addiction and recovery. This one is hard. I've been reading too many other pages lately - you know the ones i mean - that make it hard for me to believe in recovery. I know each situation is different, but it seems like relapses happen so often! And it is such a great miracle for someone to quit and stay quit, that relapse is almost inevitable. I need to stop reading that stuff.
I need to believe that my H is human. This is a hard thing, perhaps the hardest thing he will ever do. Because I have never had an addiction this is so hard for me to understand. While I know logically his addiction is not about me, in my heart, it totally is. And because he still believes it's somewhat about me, it's even harder. I know that's the addict brain in him, but it's going to be like that for a while. I accept responsibility for the problems I created in our relationship, but I cannot accept responsibility for him drinking, and he's frustrated with that.
I never thought of making my own relapse plan. I will work on that. I know when he relapsed after being home just a few days, I completely lost it. Not yelling and screaming lost it, but completely closed off to him and became very cold towards him. That's been my coping mechanism for the last few years, building a wall to protect myself. I need to start slowly taking down the wall, but prepare for the just-in-cases. I wish I could be one of those understanding wives who are so nurturing and supportive, but instead I turn into a cold unemotional person who doesn't want to feel anything.
Your questions are great. So, the first one, do I trust that H knows he has a problem and needs to stop drinking? Yes and no. I trust that he knows he has a problem. I do not think he completely understands the extent of it quite yet. He tells people he wasn't a heavy drinker. Maybe compared to some people at detox he wasn't, but a bottle of 26 oz of rum 3 or 4 times a week is heavy. He still thinks that I am part of the problem, a few nights ago after our marriage session he said I need to consider my actions and why he started drinking. I told him I am in the same relationship he is and if it was so bad, why am I not an alcoholic too? He doesn't get that yet. I know we had problems, but to me they were just normal relationship problems - finances, young children, stuff like that. To him, they were mountains I guess.
Second, my own beliefs about addiction and recovery. This one is hard. I've been reading too many other pages lately - you know the ones i mean - that make it hard for me to believe in recovery. I know each situation is different, but it seems like relapses happen so often! And it is such a great miracle for someone to quit and stay quit, that relapse is almost inevitable. I need to stop reading that stuff.
I need to believe that my H is human. This is a hard thing, perhaps the hardest thing he will ever do. Because I have never had an addiction this is so hard for me to understand. While I know logically his addiction is not about me, in my heart, it totally is. And because he still believes it's somewhat about me, it's even harder. I know that's the addict brain in him, but it's going to be like that for a while. I accept responsibility for the problems I created in our relationship, but I cannot accept responsibility for him drinking, and he's frustrated with that.
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