help
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
Yes i agree with readerbaby. He is totally misdirecting his anger at himself toward you! what really helped me when dealing with the alcoholics in my life was to understand how much they gas light. There was a nice article about that on here.....but now i can't find it. But this one explains it well.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/20...over-the-edge/
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/20...over-the-edge/
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,606
Soverylost, i really can see myself in your posts. The idea of he got help now, so things must get better now... I thought the same way and it took me a very long time to understand that addiction does not work that way. I think addiction is like an iceberg, we, as non-addicts only understand the part that is above the water, but the bigger part, is really hard to get when you are not addicted to something.
Someone here told me that an addict always protects his addiction with all their power. You taking actions for yourself and your kids, his brother who talked him into rehab, all these things threaten his addiction, his addictive voice is furious about that and it comes out towards you. There might be other reasons why he is mad, maybe he realizes that he has a problem and screwed up, maybe the fact that he can never drink anymore, but the point is, please try not to let it get to you. Don't take it personally. I know it is so hard to do, but it will destroy you if you do. I know it hurts, if he is angry and offends you, but try to see it as his addiction talking. I'm sure, once he feels better he will be thankful for what you did! ((((hugs))))
Someone here told me that an addict always protects his addiction with all their power. You taking actions for yourself and your kids, his brother who talked him into rehab, all these things threaten his addiction, his addictive voice is furious about that and it comes out towards you. There might be other reasons why he is mad, maybe he realizes that he has a problem and screwed up, maybe the fact that he can never drink anymore, but the point is, please try not to let it get to you. Don't take it personally. I know it is so hard to do, but it will destroy you if you do. I know it hurts, if he is angry and offends you, but try to see it as his addiction talking. I'm sure, once he feels better he will be thankful for what you did! ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Your husbands math skills are way off! For him right now 2+2=7. Dont let it make u crazy!
I would feel disappointed and angry too! What sounds like a nice day came to an end with his declaration of how your not trustworthy. It would be funny if not so hurtful to you, because I have an idea of what u have tolerated while you still found courage to believe in him. Especially at times when he couldnt believe in himself!
I think i told you burned into my memory is the look in my husbands eyes when he told me I wasnt on his side and he couldnt trust me anymore because I agreed with everyone else who loved him about his needing help for his addiction. I doubt I will ever forget that moment. BUT in time he came to realize we had his best interest at heart, and we forced his hand but it was necessary. It took time, counseling, and then more time for him to work through this and many other things going on in his head.
I tried to use the family counseling. Write down what was going on, what happened to upset me, what he said, how i perceived it, what i felt. If i couldnt figure it out or make sense of it on my own, or if i saw a pattern developing between us I would talk about it in our session. Those helped a lot in the beginning especially.
The other thing is like Clean said, he knows your vulnerable spots and can take out his anger and pain on you easily. It may be habit from when he tried to push you away so he could deny his feelings, keep drinking and all those unhealthy things. Counseling will help with this too if he works at it.
Or he could be a real jerk down deep, but I doubt it from things you shared before.
Its good u got angry and posted. Your recognizing your feelings and you need to express them! Your not crAzy, your math is good!
Tod - Im not sure your husband can do math at all. I think he needs remedial studies.
Hahaha remedial, wanted to make sure i had the defn right because we have actual teachers among us!
Remedial: Intended to correct or improve deficient skills in a specific subject: remedial reading or math.
((Soverylost))
I would feel disappointed and angry too! What sounds like a nice day came to an end with his declaration of how your not trustworthy. It would be funny if not so hurtful to you, because I have an idea of what u have tolerated while you still found courage to believe in him. Especially at times when he couldnt believe in himself!
I think i told you burned into my memory is the look in my husbands eyes when he told me I wasnt on his side and he couldnt trust me anymore because I agreed with everyone else who loved him about his needing help for his addiction. I doubt I will ever forget that moment. BUT in time he came to realize we had his best interest at heart, and we forced his hand but it was necessary. It took time, counseling, and then more time for him to work through this and many other things going on in his head.
I tried to use the family counseling. Write down what was going on, what happened to upset me, what he said, how i perceived it, what i felt. If i couldnt figure it out or make sense of it on my own, or if i saw a pattern developing between us I would talk about it in our session. Those helped a lot in the beginning especially.
The other thing is like Clean said, he knows your vulnerable spots and can take out his anger and pain on you easily. It may be habit from when he tried to push you away so he could deny his feelings, keep drinking and all those unhealthy things. Counseling will help with this too if he works at it.
Or he could be a real jerk down deep, but I doubt it from things you shared before.
Its good u got angry and posted. Your recognizing your feelings and you need to express them! Your not crAzy, your math is good!
Tod - Im not sure your husband can do math at all. I think he needs remedial studies.
Hahaha remedial, wanted to make sure i had the defn right because we have actual teachers among us!
Remedial: Intended to correct or improve deficient skills in a specific subject: remedial reading or math.
((Soverylost))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
He was drinking tonight. I found it. We have a zero tolerance now and I don't know what to do. At this point, because it's 2:30 am, he's not sleeping in our room. From there I don't know.
I should have expected this. I don't know why I ever trusted him.
I should have expected this. I don't know why I ever trusted him.
SL
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
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And in all of this, I feel so bad for him. He must be hurting so badly, to know he could lose everything and still choose to drink. I feel so incredibly bad for him. And that's why I fall back in, every time.
We have a family function tomorrow, for his side. He texted me, that hr doesn't even know if he should go tomorrow. Really? I've done Christmas Eve and Christmas Day family functions all on my own and because you screwed up, you're bowing out of this??!! I don't think so. You don't go, I don't go. It's your family,not mine, buddy. That, at least, I can put my foot down about.
Am I a sucker? be honest. I have heard "I'm sorry" so many times it's lost its meaning. And then I feel so sad for him, and I love him, so we're right back where we started. And I'm heartbroken, again.
Tod - you're right. Phone is going away. It's 3 am and I have a two year old to care for. And i don't know if I should say anything to Dd. She would be devastated.
We have a family function tomorrow, for his side. He texted me, that hr doesn't even know if he should go tomorrow. Really? I've done Christmas Eve and Christmas Day family functions all on my own and because you screwed up, you're bowing out of this??!! I don't think so. You don't go, I don't go. It's your family,not mine, buddy. That, at least, I can put my foot down about.
Am I a sucker? be honest. I have heard "I'm sorry" so many times it's lost its meaning. And then I feel so sad for him, and I love him, so we're right back where we started. And I'm heartbroken, again.
Tod - you're right. Phone is going away. It's 3 am and I have a two year old to care for. And i don't know if I should say anything to Dd. She would be devastated.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Your daughter will probably figure out what's going on, on her own! She already knows the signs.
Your husband is now full of alcohol and feeling sorry for himself and y'all! Me and my husband always know when my older sister's BF is drinking. He calls us! UGH! With slurring words he repeats, "I love you!" over and over! Then he starts talking about all his woe's, aches and money problems. We get off the phone with him fast as possible. I know pretty much what your husband is already saying to you.
Years ago when my grandfather was alive? He had to take this pill each day because of his drinking. If he drank while on this medication? He got real sick. Maybe this is something you can talk your husband into doing?
TOD
Your husband is now full of alcohol and feeling sorry for himself and y'all! Me and my husband always know when my older sister's BF is drinking. He calls us! UGH! With slurring words he repeats, "I love you!" over and over! Then he starts talking about all his woe's, aches and money problems. We get off the phone with him fast as possible. I know pretty much what your husband is already saying to you.
Years ago when my grandfather was alive? He had to take this pill each day because of his drinking. If he drank while on this medication? He got real sick. Maybe this is something you can talk your husband into doing?
TOD
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
So- I have been quietly following your story and felt the need to reach out. Please don't confuse pity for love. And your rule was no alcohol. He broke it. He has to face the consequences. Trust me. I am a recovering alcoholic myself. In the days of my addiction if you gave me an inch I took a mile.
If you really hope to influence him to change than you must enforce the consequences of his actions. Even than the chances are small. For me and many others in recovery I know quitting didn't occur until the pain of continuing to drink outweighed the fear of quitting.
If you really hope to influence him to change than you must enforce the consequences of his actions. Even than the chances are small. For me and many others in recovery I know quitting didn't occur until the pain of continuing to drink outweighed the fear of quitting.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
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Thank you all for all the support. This has been a hard morning.
H and I had a very open talk this morning. I told him he used his one and only Get Out of Jail Free card. There will be no second chances. No more apologies, no more explaining, no more excuses. This is the last time.
Yup I completely wussed out. On the other hand I didn't give in either. Marriage counseling tomorrow with our counsellor who does not believe in 12 step programs and has no idea any of this has happened, we haven't seen him since before all of this happened. Should be an interesting appointment.
This is so scary and so hard.
H and I had a very open talk this morning. I told him he used his one and only Get Out of Jail Free card. There will be no second chances. No more apologies, no more explaining, no more excuses. This is the last time.
Yup I completely wussed out. On the other hand I didn't give in either. Marriage counseling tomorrow with our counsellor who does not believe in 12 step programs and has no idea any of this has happened, we haven't seen him since before all of this happened. Should be an interesting appointment.
This is so scary and so hard.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Im sorry Soverylost. Im not too surprised he slipped up, because its common in the beginning. Can I ask how the zero tolerance policy came into place and what the consequences were supposed to be if he drank? You have every right to say no more, Im done at any point in this because its your life too. But in my opinion it probably should have more to do with your needs than linking it to his success or failure at recovery. Craft teaches us about a crooked road to recovery, not necessarily a straight line where one slip or relapse is deemed as failure so Im confused on this part. Did he stop drinking last night or keep it going? If he stopped, then I would view it as positive for him at least.
I support whatever decisions you make, hope you know this, I feel like Im seeing a mix of ideas though. Maybe counseling will help tomorrow?
I support whatever decisions you make, hope you know this, I feel like Im seeing a mix of ideas though. Maybe counseling will help tomorrow?
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You know, BlueChair, you're right. He was carrying the cup around and I got suspicious, I think he wanted to get caught. When I asked him about it he asked me to pour it down the sink. And said there can't be any alcohol in the house at all. So it was good he recognized it. He said he didn't even think, it was so routine to just drink it he did it without even thinking. I think he will think about it next time tho.
The no tolerance was recommended by the family services counsellor, who does practice 12 step. So i must be incredibly confusing to H, heck I'm incredibly confused myself!
The no tolerance was recommended by the family services counsellor, who does practice 12 step. So i must be incredibly confusing to H, heck I'm incredibly confused myself!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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Sorry to hear that he drank SVL. I am surprised that he chose to drink despite everything negative that happened last week and going to detox. He must be pretty far in his addiction. I think one of the reasons why my husband has been able to stay sober from alcohol is because we both have decided it is okay for him to smoke weed, so he pretty much does this throughout the day. So even though he has switched addictions, he still does work and is not belligerent, so this is okay with me at the time.
Do you think it would be wise to have a plan if he does drink again and you don't have anymore "Get Out of Jail For Free" cards? Maybe this is something you can discuss with your marriage counselor tomorrow?
Do you think it would be wise to have a plan if he does drink again and you don't have anymore "Get Out of Jail For Free" cards? Maybe this is something you can discuss with your marriage counselor tomorrow?
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Hi soverylost I'm catching up here. That's too bad that he drank...course like Blue said, I'm not surprised. It sometimes takes a couple tries to get it right. I've seen it here in the alcohol, sub abuse areas on this forum and in my own life as well. Remember my first attempt at giving up cigs? I think many of us have experienced it with dieting as well.
I think it's pretty positive that you gave you his cup and told you to throw the rest out. I hope the counseling session goes well tomorrow.
I think it's pretty positive that you gave you his cup and told you to throw the rest out. I hope the counseling session goes well tomorrow.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi SVL... sounds like its been a little bumpy so far 
I hope you are able to talk through some of this tomorrow with the addiction therapist. It does sound like it will be interesting..
One thing I have to ask.. where did he find a bottle in the house? I thought I remember you saying you went through and disposed of everything you could find.. do you just think you missed it?
Just be strong tomorrow and ask whatever questions you need.. I also agree IF you are going to have a zero tolerance then this needs to be clearly defined for both of you. And I think it would also take some planning.. does it mean a drop of alcohol, a drunk episode, a full return to drinking.. and then what happens.. does he leave, do you and the kids? where, for how long? finances? etc. Not that you have to have all the answers today.. but I know I always feel more comfortable when I have details worked out in advance as much as possible. I hope it doesn't come to any of that by the way.
Will send prayer up for a good, productive session tomorrow.
I hope you are able to talk through some of this tomorrow with the addiction therapist. It does sound like it will be interesting.. One thing I have to ask.. where did he find a bottle in the house? I thought I remember you saying you went through and disposed of everything you could find.. do you just think you missed it?
Just be strong tomorrow and ask whatever questions you need.. I also agree IF you are going to have a zero tolerance then this needs to be clearly defined for both of you. And I think it would also take some planning.. does it mean a drop of alcohol, a drunk episode, a full return to drinking.. and then what happens.. does he leave, do you and the kids? where, for how long? finances? etc. Not that you have to have all the answers today.. but I know I always feel more comfortable when I have details worked out in advance as much as possible. I hope it doesn't come to any of that by the way.
Will send prayer up for a good, productive session tomorrow.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Thanks everyone. Today was better. Saw the counsellor together and he is adamant H writes up a relapse plan with me. The counsellor said I've been listening to a bunch of very smart people
H is still insistent on the zero tolerance rule. I thought I had all the bottles poured but they were hidden all over our house, and it's a three storey house. H called the addiction counsellor from the detox facility and will have regular meetings with her as well as our marriage counselor (who is a private addiction counsellor, not funded by our health system) and H's sister is looking into some alternative healing methods for him - acupuncture, etc.
Had a good talk with H last night too. He feels really bad about the relapse, and wants to put guidelines in place so it doesn't happen again. I don't understand relapses, I mean, just dont drink! But I know there's more to it. I just can't comprehend it. So we will have to work on open communication. H understands I want the same thing he does - a happy healthy spouse and family, so we will hopefully work together.
What an absolute roller coaster.
H is still insistent on the zero tolerance rule. I thought I had all the bottles poured but they were hidden all over our house, and it's a three storey house. H called the addiction counsellor from the detox facility and will have regular meetings with her as well as our marriage counselor (who is a private addiction counsellor, not funded by our health system) and H's sister is looking into some alternative healing methods for him - acupuncture, etc.
Had a good talk with H last night too. He feels really bad about the relapse, and wants to put guidelines in place so it doesn't happen again. I don't understand relapses, I mean, just dont drink! But I know there's more to it. I just can't comprehend it. So we will have to work on open communication. H understands I want the same thing he does - a happy healthy spouse and family, so we will hopefully work together.
What an absolute roller coaster.
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