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Old 12-24-2014, 09:15 AM
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H is on his way home. Excited and scared.
Will post more later.
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Old 12-24-2014, 09:47 AM
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Try to think positively soverylost.
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Old 12-24-2014, 12:01 PM
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((Soverylost))

Remember how the counselor said u two are a team? Im praying you get your partner and team-mate back today. Let us know how things are going when u can. #teamsoverylost
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Old 12-24-2014, 06:58 PM
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Wow this recovery stuff is hard. Really hard. He refused to go to my family Christmas and was fine when we left, but coming home now he's smack dab in the middle of cravings and being a real jerk. It's hard to give him space even when he asks for it because we're scared. Dd especially and she can be sassy so it's hard for her.

I know this should be the time he reaches out to someone. He's tried but they're not answering, being Christmas Eve and all I'm pretty sure people are quite busy.

I know he wasn't going to be "fixed " but maybe a little less of an a-hat?
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:03 PM
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SL:

Can you call your BIL?
There is also numbers on the web for all over the world where he can call someone to talk to!

TOD
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:03 PM
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That said, he spent about two hours this morning when he got home talking about everything he learned and the tools he has. He's already contacted a counsellor but, Christmas and all... He understands very clearly that he can never drink again. I told him there is zero tolerance for alcohol from now on and he agreed.

He said he knows we don't trust him and he doesn't blame us. And if we never trust him again he would understand. I told him actions not words. And dd has a hard time with that but she'll have to learn to be patient too I guess.

Man this is hard. When he drank every night at least I knew what to expect. Now I have no clue.
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:05 PM
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Thanks TOD - I will suggest it to him. First night out is probably pretty hard for everyone but there is always someone he could call. You're right
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:12 PM
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SL: He's not really angry at you or the family! He's angry at himself and the alcohol for getting to this point! But y'all are the handy ones to take it out on!

Suggestion? Record what he's saying! Good or bad! You'll have it for use later on! People don't see their own actions when this is happening! It's too bad you didn't have a recording of this mornings admission when he said: "He understands very clearly that he can never drink again." You could play it back to him!

TOD
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:14 PM
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Maybe he can read the things he brought home with himself? Use some of the tools he learned! Help to get his mind off what's going on in there now!

TOD
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Old 12-24-2014, 07:30 PM
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He's not really angry at us, I know, just in the middle of cravings and it's hard. I get that but I guess I was just hoping he'd come home without cravings. He knows he can't drink and says he has to prove it to himself get can get thru this. This was his prime drinking time, every night, so I guess first night home must be hard.

That said, he is now reaching out a bit. He called someone from the facility and that's good. If he can get thru tonight he'll have the first night at home finished being clean. And that's huge.

He just apologized to meand said it will get better. I know it will. Just wish it was then, not now. We've been thru so much and even tho I know he's going thru a hard time with cravings, I just want us to be a happy family again.
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Old 12-24-2014, 11:24 PM
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Glad things have settled down a bit SL. Even though my husband is not drinking, I told him tonight that I am just getting exhausted of always being upset. His mother crossed a boundary with me tonight that has made me upset, and I just getting tired of it all. I wonder if she crossed this boundary when she was drinking tonight b/c she was not like this the other day during the afternoon. I am getting to the point where I realize I can live without my husband b/c there is just too much work and drama all the time. I know that I would grieve him, but I think it would be easier living without him.

Anyways, good luck with your husband. From the outside looking in, it looks like it will be hard for your husband to cope with his cravings. It seems like a support network like AA would be really good for him. AA worked for me and helped me to accept my disease and the powerlessness of my addiction.
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Old 12-24-2014, 11:47 PM
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Oh how I understand the game of our feelings! My husband usually helps me with the stirring of the fudge making? Tonight I made two batches. At one point during the 2nd batch he came into the kitchen to announce he was going to bed! WTH? He helped pour the fudge onto the flat pan with the first batch because I asked him too. This is usually something we do together the night before Christmas! ARGH!

So when he announced he was going to bed? I said: Well so much for trying to get in the Christmas mood! I had the music playing in the kitchen while he sat in the living room watching TV almost the whole time. I just told him to go on to bed. I guess he felt guilty at that point, because he stood there asking me what he needed to do? We finally finished and he stood at the sink washing the bowl and utensils. Then he headed to the bedroom and groaned loudly while crawling in bed. Just depressing I tell ya!

So yeah! I understand the moods being drenched in water many times. He's told me many times in the past: You really need to get off those pain meds? Well I did! But when I say it to him? I get a super angry husband with a temper telling me: Oh sure? You know all about someone being on the pain pills, don't you? Well I should know! I've been dealing with the off and on events since the early 80's!

Anyhow!

Y'all do your best to have a wonderful day! I know I will! I'm headed over to my mom's to join there with the rest of the family!

Peace be on our sides during Christmas Day!!!!

TOD
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Old 12-25-2014, 12:58 PM
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Aw TOD - I'm sorry your hubby was less than helpful especially at Christmas when we should be helping others.

H has decided to stay home today and insists we go to his sister's. He *might* go to the 12 step all day mtg which means he won't. He says he needs to be greedy and selfish now which means nothing has changed except he's dry. K, I know. Day Two only and I'm expecting miracles. My old husband to return overnight. Just really sad that he hasn't.

Last night was hard. He was up every hour. Tossing and turning when he was in bed. Is this normal? When does it get better? I'm so impatient. It's been ten years of heavy heavy drinking and now he's sober but his mind is still drunk if that makes sense. I feel like a horrible wife, wanting this for so long, finally getting it and still not being happy. I feel ungrateful.
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Old 12-25-2014, 02:37 PM
  # 74 (permalink)  
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Awww going to the relatives was the exact thing u talked about. Not sure what to say about it. My husband had a hard time around people, even his parents for months, we stayed in a lot in place of going out. His anxiety would get worse under certain conditions. I dont want to be a downer, but you asked how long with the moods and stuff. I know each person is different, but ok ask some of these ladies about my earlier worries. Insomnia was a big one, and his having it, basically I caught it too. When you dont sleep this alone makes everyone grumpy, and all the stresses in life worse. My husband sometimes woke up from a dream with cravings, it would be in the middle of the night. But he used the things he learned in his counseling sessions, or he would workout on some of the home equipment we have, we would talk, sometimes he would just hold me, and we ate a lot of ice cream for some reason! There were times when he pushed me away, and a couple times he seriously decided I would be better without him, or staying at my parents or sisters for a while. No, sorry buddy, we took all those things to the family counselor, and he would see the light. Hahaha

Im sharing this not to bum you out, but to let you know it will be rough but you can get through it, and I thinm its normal stuff. Look at the brain and hear what u wrote. Hes been drinking for 10 years, and worse the last couple. It will take time and maybe, likely medication to help him ease his way through until his body begins to snap back.

Im sorry about the dinner, not sure what to say. I think the rehab counselor said he shouldnt be alone? Or maybe a couple hours would be ok? Im a little confused on the meetinga because from your post in the past I know they used to make him feel worse and more depressed. The detox said it was all voluntary what he chooses to do, and he cant help what program they use as it just was that. Maybe when he meets more people at the outpatient it will help and they can talk and go to meetings together? Its hard to know what will help his mood and encourage him to push through at this moment. Has he ever tried online supoort? I know he likes the computer?

Now I feel inappropriate saying Merry Christmas! but I hope you can still pull good out of the day. You dont sound ungrateful ! Your tired is all and were hoping for smoother sailing. This is where you can share all those feelings and not feel bad or sad about it. Your both going thru something difficult, scary, challenging. I think your being brave and doing a good job with it all. ((Hugs))

Hahah let me know if I need to find another weird smiley to hex on him! Hmm maybe not on Christmas, we can wait until tomorrow!
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Old 12-26-2014, 05:39 AM
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Hi soverylost! How is it going?
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Old 12-27-2014, 09:26 PM
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So it all came out tonight. We had a nice evening, Ds is back in his own room and out of our bed and he went to bed early. We stayed up and watched a movie. Had a wonderful day and evening together.

Then after the movie, I asked him if he was coming upstairs with me. Nope. He doesn't trust me. I hurt him too much by having him "locked away" for a week. His hand was forced and he had no choice. He's stopped drinking now but says that doesn't solve any of the problems between us and he doesn't trust me.

We has such a great day. And i know evenings are hard for him, but it's been a week dry and I've been trying to be loving and understanding. Looking past my own feelings of hurt to make sure he feels supported and loved. And now I realize it doesn't matter.

Maybe his new counsellor will call on Monday. I hope so, since it's been Christmas he wasn't even able to be matched with one.

I thought he went willingly to detox and understood why he was there. I thought he understood he had a huge problem and by stopping was not only saving his marriage and his family and job, but his life.

This makes me incredibly sad. It still has a great hold on him. And he doesn't even see that most spouses wouldn't have stayed even half as long as I have. In admitting the addiction you gain strength and control over it,not the other way around.

I have had my heart broken by this man so many times. I thought now he finally understood. In his head, he's still completely selfish and self centred. It's all about him, alcohol has made sure of that and I don't know if he will ever be the person he was before.
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Old 12-27-2014, 09:44 PM
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I guess I'm just angry that, after all of this, *he's* angry at *me*! I've put aside all my anger, hurt, sadness to make him feel supported and part of the family again which, after what he did, he should have not ever stepped foot in here again. I've never told him the point I got to that night and how I was prepared to sever all ties with him if he didn't quit drinking, because of the effects it was having on our children. And he has the gall to say I hurt him??!! That he can't trust me??!! How about what HE did to our family??
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Old 12-27-2014, 10:04 PM
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Hi Sovery,
Our husbands seem to have a lot in common. After my husband's belligerent rage a couple months ago, he still believes it is everyone else and not him with the problem. Yes he has quit drinking like your husband has because he knows deep down that I will not put up with it anymore, but whenever I bring up his drinking, he becomes irritable and somewhat angry, and in a way projects the blame onto me. It is just too bad that our husbands just cannot accept responsibility for their drinking problems and stop blaming others. So, like you, I find it very sad and unsettling. But I cannot change how he thinks. So I am just going to enjoy my time with him while things are peaceful since he is not drinking at the time and take this day by day.
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Old 12-28-2014, 12:25 AM
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SVL: I'm sorry! I hate it when loved ones have to suffer due to someone else around us using or drinking! We go thru so many different emotions. Mad, sad, glad, happy, Pizzed off - you name it! But mostly the hurt is what eats us up in the end of it all.

As for myself! Me and my husband do the merry go round days. It usually starts off nice and then by dark thirty he's on the opiate high! He becomes so damned childish at times I can't stand being around him. Like this evening! He went into one of his childish mimmicking modes. I couldn't get out here on the porch fast enough to get away from him. And then he was still yelling it thru the doorway! And it's only getting worse with each one! I'm usually in tears by the time he shuts up! I'm just so sick of it!

I want to be happy again! I have 172 days off the opiates myself. I'm feeling really good and have found my happy self again. But with my husband using the opiates and showing is azz every day? I'm literally having to drag myself out of bed each day. He's treating me more and more childishly each day. He treats me like I'm stupid too! My daughter that is super intelligient got a taste of it Wednesday! I told her: "Welcome to my world!" I'm doing my best to hold it together! If you don't already know this? I'm a retired Sergeant out of the Army with 23 years in it! I'm far from being stupid or childish!

He's going to be having surgery on his left wrist in the near future. If it wasn't for that? I'd be riding his azz about getting off the opiates! But there's no sense in having him stop now when he'll be right back on them. He already knows I don't like him on the pills. But according to him? I'm an expert where the pain pills are concerned. ARGH! He's far from ignorant and already knows a lot about addiction. I would think he wouldn't let himself get to this point. But what do I know? He's fallen in love with his pain pills and I'm someone that's causing him to look at that love affair!

My older sister's live in boyfriend is a dry alcoholic. He doesn't drink every day, but when he does drink? He can't stop! He'll drink until he passes out. Several cases of beer to get there! He was bitter most of the time we were gathered at mom's for Christmas Day! My older sister told me he didn't even bother telling her Merry Christmas. She had tears in her eyes. You had mentioned y'all ate a lot of ice cream? Well when a person drinks? They get their sugar from their drink! Since your husband isn't drinking right now? The ice cream was giving him the sugar.

My other Brother in law is a steady drinker. Whiskey in coke is his drink. He brings his own drinking stuff in a cooler anytime he comes down with my sister. At least he's a happy drunk! No fighting or bitterness comes from him.

I heard this on a movie I was watching this evening: "Pray for the best - Prepare for the worst!"

TOD
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Old 12-28-2014, 07:03 AM
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I'm so sorry, SVL. It's going to take a lot of work and time for him to change. He must be willing to take a good long look at himself and his behaviors to do it. He's just not there yet.

It is so hurtful, I know, but please be good to yourself and realize that his anger is misdirected. The distrust and anger he feels are at HIMSELF, not you. He is just so un-self-aware he doesn't realize it yet. I really hope therapy helps.

Hang in there and focus on taking care of you and your kids. You're amazing and deserve to be treated with respect. Sending much love and healing thoughts your way. xoxoox
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