sad_lonely_tear

i don't think i could go through something like 12 steps... i mean how could they help me stop cutting nehow? it just doesn't seem to fit

Dogwood

Bikewench - that was a wonderful post, and I enjoyed reading it. Sad - lonely - tear, I hope you found Bikewench's message helpful and uplifting to you too.

DW

bikewench

the 12 steps is simply a set of actions... that when taken... result in a better living situation which means we can experience the other side of our emotions ... like joy.. and happiness... and serenity... and peace... and self contentment... and maturity

While in recovery... I learned something I never knew...
that emotions don't come of their own violition...
we have to think them into being...
or remember something... and the resulting emotion would come up with it... and I'd use to mood alter cause I felt like shyte about it.. and then I'd bliss out for a bit.. and wake up.. start thinking again.. feel like crap... and on and on and on...

well.. the 12 steps put a stop to that because they helped me change the way I thought about life.. and people and the things that happened to me.. and what I've done as well...

it helped cut the shame cycle..

bikewench

ahhhhh....
thank you guys sooo much...

sad_lonely_tear

ok this will sound odd.... but i'm really not that depressed... i mean i do have my days but who doesn't... what i'm saying is... well my cutting is because of how i feel ... i just need to do it...

bikewench

some people don't even realize their depressed Sad... cause they've felt that way their whole life....
they have nothing to compare it to ...

another thing us humans do is minimize the impact of our activity on ourselves and those around us... and make us single purposed around protecting it's ongoing "gift"... or what we perceive is it's gift...
because we think it's our friend...

Time will prove it's not..

but... trying to convince someone their harming themselves and that they don't have to do that anymore...
well.. there just is no convincing..

I hope you continue to come here Sad...
read... learn... ask questions..

something to ponder...

http://www.selfinjury.com/sifacts.html

Midas

Welcome, sad_lonely_tear. Bikewench has some good words. In my opinion, a belief system plays a huge part in addiction and recovery. Abandonment and Betrayal are two of the main triggers for me, at any rate. It seems so unlikely to feel abandoned even when you live with your biological parents.

There's a possible, underlying deep depression that causes people to mutilate themselves. I'm not a shrink, but I've lived with one for the past 30 years. Thanks Dad. I used to find ways to scar myself to get attention. A cigarette, a knife, a shard of glass from a beer bottle...just to bleed my fear. I had to. It occupied my every waking moment for years.

I never had the cowardice to cut through my wrists.

Dead Poet

that was such a good post!!!!!

wantneeda

great share bikewench, you certainly do know how to carry the message!

how are you doing sad lonely tear???

thinking of you!
hugs, Wendy

sad_lonely_tear

ok... it's the start of a new day. I tried having a discussion w/ my bf last night on if i should try to take the step and see a therapist... cuz obviously i have some issues that just need worked outta my head. anyways our convo. ended in a very big argument. i know that my cuts aren't just hurting me that he feels pain when he see what i do to my body but when we talk about it and i try to explain in depth of why he just get's upset. i don't know what to do.......

i went to a party last night. my first party in this town.. o yeah i just moved here. anyways i met alot of new ppl and was having alotta fun dancin around and being a dork then the need of cutting hit me. it's never happened in frount of a bunch of ppl before. i was lost i didn't know what to do. in the end i went to the bathroom with a pop tab.

gawd why is my life like this. if i have deep depression that i can't seem to focus on then how do i grasp it to make it better. i don't fell depressed and i don't think about depressing stuff (well aside of the need to bleed) i just want it to stop. i want my freaking brain to quit telling me "hey there's a knife in the kitchen"

I've tried hiding all the knives... then i spent hours rechecking the cabinets to make sure that i got all of the knives out of them. does this sound crazy? it must because i'm on the verge of insainity.

bikewench

Hey Sad....

I'm sorry that your boyfriend doesn't relate...
the people I initially tried to go to for validation and help only ended up making me feel worse cause they pretty much just kept telling me to "get over it",....

And then I found the program and a whole whack of people that did understand...
not about all my issues maybe... but.. with a little searching... I could always find someone that was either experiencing exactly what I was... or had worked through something similar already and were only to willing to share their experience strength and hope with me to take or leave as I saw fit...


The first step is to come clean with ourselves about whether or not we really have a problem... and admit that .. for the moment... it has us licked...

Step one...
I am powerless over cutting myself... and my life has become unmanageable...

sad_lonely_tear

well it is now the end of my day... i made it with only 2 cuts on my arm... (that is far less than usual) so i feel happy. unfortuantly i'm REALLY tired because i kept myself busy cleaning house, doing laundry, and doing yard work. it helped for awhile... i mean i still had the thoughts while doing these things but i kept telling myself if i don't get them done now i'll never do them. so i finished them all without a single cut. the only prob. is I can't keep myself busy constently or i'll never have any "me" time and I'll over do it or something. I do feel powerless. actually i have my whole life. but i realized i've hit bottom... there's nowhere to go but up

bikewench

.. to be sure... ;o)

and I've found it extremely helpful to limit my upward climb to 24 hour considerations...

Just for today... I will refrain from....

Just this one day...


Praying for our greatest good today Sad.... because I have my struggles as well

sad_lonely_tear

i had a downfall... a normal day but 15 cuts... i don't know why... i just felt the need...

bikewench

Hey Sad...
glad ya came back...

15 cuts eh... and that's a normal day...


Sooo.. are you okay with that.. ;o)

sad_lonely_tear

i'm just glad it wasn't more...

bikewench

that's cool..
I can relate...

candy39

Sad, lonely- Please do'n't give up on God. Jesus didn't and look at the pain he went through. WAY more than us can ever bear or imagine. We are not exempt from pain and in no way has God promised us that. He did promise however, that we will send the Holy Spirit to help us through pain, trials, temptations. Testimonies are people that has been through test and testify on how they came out of it with Jesus help with their belief. GEt that book the purpose driven life. I promise it will help you see clear on why God's people go through pain. But He promised to never leave us. You left him and gave up. Dont let Satan defeat you. Satan is trying to kill you. Don't let him. Go back to God. If you need for me to send you that book and you promise to read it. Private message me and I will send it to your address. Please come back to God. Much love to you and blessings. God is still in control.

Live

Sad, I suggest you check out the Spirituality in Recovery forum. You will discover that there are many kinds of faiths and even yikes, like me an agnostic. I don't have to know who or what higher power is, I don't have any concerns about a hereafter. I am only interested in living this life well. I study many faiths, ethics etc. I figure this life is a big enough assignment. From all, I take what is helpful and meaningful to me and leave the rest. And I do consider myself a very spiritual person. In all the world's major religions, the basic principles are mainly the same. I like the Dalai Lama alot. He is very compassionate, wise and non-denominational. But I don't believe in reincarnation. I find alot of virtue in Christianity, but feel no need to convert. There is wisdom and truth in many places.
hugs,
live

Midas

Confucius say...man who trim nails too closely cuts to the quick. He probably didn't say that, but I find there's a lot of truth in Confucius' age-old sayings. Plus, the humorous ones are just a total riot. I'm not posting any of those links. hehehe. Easily found thru g00gle.