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Old 08-27-2005, 11:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

am i alone?


For many years now I have been lost, scared, and alone. My family and friends were there but yet so distant. I do admit it is my fault but as of so far I don't know how to change it. I am writing this in hopes that someone if anyone can explain how to stop. I'm a cutter. Here lately it has gotten really bad. I don't wish to die, I just wish for the pain I feel to stop. I've already talked to my closest people about it. I've tried keeping myself busy so I wouldn't think about it. That's my main problem. I think about cutting all of the time. Even when I am not feeling depressed. My boyfriend thinks I have an obsessive compulsive dissorder. I'm not even sure what that is. I need to stop for my 2 yr old daughters sake. She means everything to me and I can't afford to loose her. Please if anyone reads this and knows anything about my problem please help.
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Old 08-27-2005, 11:40 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR,
glad you found your way here.!
there are people here who are in your shoes or have been. I'm sure they will be along soon. What struck me most about your words is that you can't afford to lose your daughter, more important your daughter can't lose you! You're not alone anymore, you don't have to fight this battle alone, we're here for you.
keep coming back!!
hugs, Wendy
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Old 08-27-2005, 11:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
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cutting puts a face on our pain...

Just like my bulimia...
purging is a symbolic act that allows me a moments relief...

of course.. it's a dead end street relief wise... as the pain never goes away until I acknowledge it.. do the work around releasing it... and then continueing to work to keep my thinking in a right life manner....


The link at the bottom of my post has tons of information on personality disorders... and that is what afflicts us all...

I found myself in those words... and it set me free cause I knew finally that I wasn't crazy.. just trying to cope in the wrong... non workable way.


Gotta find the answers... the reasons...

The program tells me that I don't have to look for the reasons .... to jsut believe.... but.. it didn't quite do it for me...

I didn't need to jsut stop whatever...

I needed to understand what drove me to do it...

I know today... it's all locked up in my head...
Certain beliefs that lead to ways of coping... ways of protecting coping... getting my drugs... what I do to try to forget... and not think about and feel bad...


And our resistance to looking at this stuff...
that's the kicker...

aided and abetted with the crazy making effects of acting out... substance abuse.. not taking care of ourselves... yadda yadda yadda...

It's so sad really... that we all screw ourselves over like that....

Like I screamed with spit flying at my guy yesturday around his continual anger/rage episodes that he refuses to take responsibility for... preferring to blame outside of himself ...that just keeps him locked forever in the same negative life stealing thought beliefs/patterns.... deep breath...


"THIS IS FIXABLE... !"




Anway... a bit of my own stuff here... sorry...



In the answer to your question... "am I alone...?"

I say... only as alone as we allow ourselves to be...

Quote:
I'm not even sure what that is.
the answers are out there..
I got well for my daughter as well... and I say .. go for it... with all your heart and soul...

Praying for you... for courage and perseverance...
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Old 08-27-2005, 12:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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i really just want to say thank you. I don't know if I understood it in the way you may have implied it to be but I took it all in and it help in a way that even I can't explain. I know that for me to deal with my problem I have to reach within but right now for me that is the scariest part.
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Old 08-27-2005, 12:26 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Sober Recovery is a safe place to take things out and look at them Sad... and it's anonymous...
you are in total control as to what you reveal...
So.. if you are open to being teachable... the process will start all by itself... and it will take the pressure off you to cut...

Do you have a Higher Power may I ask...??
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Old 08-27-2005, 12:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
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by higher power if you mean god.... no.... i gave up on that a long time ago... about 10 yrs ago after the cuts first started.
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Old 08-27-2005, 12:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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okay.. just wondering... ;o)

Lots of the sticky posts at the top of all the forums have tons of information in as well...

You can go as fast or slow as you like..
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Old 08-27-2005, 12:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi,

Don't let the god/HP thing put you off.

The main thing here is that you find a safe place, full of people who understand what it's like to be where you are. And, they can show you that there is a way out. Stick around and read some posts and you'll be inspired.

Love, Anna
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Old 08-27-2005, 01:20 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Don't let the god/HP thing put you off.
Yes,... what Anna said...

It doesn't matter to recovery... and it's a personal thing all the way...
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Old 08-27-2005, 01:23 PM   #10 (permalink)
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i hope i don't offend you but i instantly thought of Footprints in the sand...
He hasn't given up on you, he loves you no matter what you do. The trick is in forgiving ourselves. I couldn't take even the smallest of baby steps until i was willing to forgive myself. In order to forgive i have to accept. I can't change my past, it is set in stone. What i've done or not done, what others have done or not done. What matters is the here and now, right now. Start your day over anytime. You are worth the fight. Like they say at meetings..we will love you until you can love yourself.
we don't get sick overnight, we don't recover over night. Its a long hard road but so worth it. I came from darkness into the light. so can you, and we'll be here every step of the way!!
Alone i cannot, together WE can
hugs, Wendy
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Old 08-27-2005, 02:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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i am lost in many ways. and alot of ppl in this world think the reason for that is because i don't accept jesus into my life. up til the age of around 10 i did. i believed in everything possible. but when i was 10 the cuts started and i wonder if there was a god then y did he hate me. so it was just easier to believe there was no such higher power than to believe that another person in my life had betrayed me.
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Old 08-27-2005, 03:12 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
there was no such higher power than to believe that another person in my life had betrayed me.

yes.. I felt the same way...
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Old 08-27-2005, 03:17 PM   #13 (permalink)
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you said "i felt the same way" key word felt. when did you stop feeling that way and how?
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Old 08-27-2005, 04:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, glad you found us

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Old 08-27-2005, 04:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
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It changed when I went into recovery....

The first night I went to a meeting... in real life...
And people were talking about things that I did and that I felt ashamed about...
And I heard about ... how.. all this stuff is generational... it's passed on... how we relate... the lies... non love... abuse.... wrongful coping ways.. all the bad stuff....


and they said it wasn't my fault...
that it wasn't that these people didn't love me... or that they went out of their way to hurt me... or that they were evil or that I somehow deserved it because I was somehow... "wrong".... a mistake of some sort... not put together right...



It was that they were carrying their own burden of insanity that was then passed on to me ... but they did the best they could...



They talked about the 12 steps... about letting go... about turning my life over to a power greater than myself.... and that I got to pick the God of my understanding...

So.. that night.. I chose to believe in a loving God.. that gave us free will... but also a direct link to him in the form of intuition if I kept the connection open....

And that's as simple as it's always been for me from that moment...

I've turned away from God a coupla times in my recovery... and I fell .. fast... so... I know that I need God in my life cause I just feel right then... and I don't feel so alone...
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Old 08-27-2005, 04:36 PM   #16 (permalink)
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wow thatnks for that bikewench, I needed to read and hear that this morning, thats so liberatng

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Old 08-27-2005, 04:40 PM   #17 (permalink)
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.. just sharing the message nogard... ;o)

You know.. I always been kinda shy about talking about God.. cause I know it's such a touchy subject for so many people...

but.. my experience of the 12 step program was real... and it was the turning point in my life...

And I don't look at myself as "saved"....
More like... "discovered"... ;o)

hehehe...
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Old 08-27-2005, 04:45 PM   #18 (permalink)
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well I got it right in my heart I have been struggling with anger the last couple of days, not rage low level stuff and how to be in social situations and I read your post and felt ok, I realised this was all going to take time and that was ok.

So thanks

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Old 08-27-2005, 05:06 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Welcome here and I personally don't think religion matters.
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Old 08-27-2005, 05:14 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Welcome, the people here, as you can already see, are awesome. Each and everyone of them!

Stick around!

http://www.ocfoundation.org/ocf1010a.htm

http://mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=6
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