sad_lonely_tear

i believe that i am here now living my life and as long as i still feel the urge to live then i'm ok .. there's no reason y i should change anything about my beliefs as long as i'm willing to live

sad_lonely_tear

some one sent me a letter and i really don't know at what point when i was reading that my mind opened but it did and that's all that matters... i always cut no matter what the occasion. happy, sad, afraid, excited..... while reading i realized what each occasion did have in common. "alone".... i can be in a room filled with ppl yet i'm alone. i'm always lost in my head where ppl cant get me. i've bulit walls upon walls to keep ppl out so i wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. "lightbulb" it didn't work. i ended up a scared, cold, lonely child that was stuck in the dark but was too afraid to come out. i'm still scared. and it will take time. but times the only thing i've ever had so all hope is not lost. i will make it. i will find my way out of this hole. i will grow into the buetiful young woman that so many see everyday. and one day i will look in the mirror and see her too.

bikewench

awesome words there Sad...

So good to see you coming back and chipping away at your cutting issue...

I agree with you about that....

as long as I still want to live... then I'm invested in making my life as good as possible... for me....

We all get to define what is "fine" for ourselves....



I also feel a lonliness that eats at me...
I just wanted to tell you that I share a issue that is similar to cutting...
I pull my hair out..

lol.. and not in frustrated handfulls like all the comics portray....
Nope... I pull them out one by one...
I go into an almost trance... and sometimes.. when I come too.. there is hair all over the floor...

I don't do it so much anymore... because the bald spots that develope are enough of a deterrant that I can stop myself now....

But... at it's worst... it took my oldest sister to take it apon herself to start tapping, slapping, calling, nagging...
everytime she saw me start running my fingers through my hair...
she'd start talking to me...

so.. eventually.. as much as I fought her... her love and her determination that I wouldn't cause myself any more pain and grief by being partially bald as a young teen/adult...
well.. it was probably the one thing that saved me over all....
and I will always be especially grateful to my sister Denise...
She loved me even when I was unlovable...


Anyway...
Your words touched me...
and I just wanted to let you know that...

Praying for you Sad...

sad_lonely_tear

it really helps me to know that what i say can also help others. i do believe that one day we will all be better somehow. and i still have hope day by day that i will get better that day. i'm glad you have somebody that loves you no matter what. i think we all have someone like that but don't realize it at the time. i hope i'm right and i hope there is someone out there that will continue to love me no matter what. I bet that person will be my little brother. he's only 8 so he's still pure

bikewench

well.. I think one can aid and abet that love happening by putting it out there ourselves...
love ... just for the sake of loving...

Blessings on that pure, sweet 8 year old boy..

sad_lonely_tear

I can truly say i do love my brother. he's one of the few that i can say that about... all my life love ends in pain so i hold back. alone... one day i will be strong... unfortunatly not today... but the more i love my little brother the more joy i do feel... him and my daughter are the only ppl in my life that haven't hurt me because of my love for them...
i wrote a poem today... it's been awhile since i've done that so i wanted to share it with you all.

TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY
Is it possible to be happy yet alone
The only love you have is you own
When your strengths and weaknesses are the same
Your smiles turn to tears and bring you pain
Is it better to love and have lost than never love at all
When your heart is broken and has no strength to fall
Smiles take energy and the happiness never came
Tomorrow's another day that will always be the same
I'm pretty,I'm smart, I'm happy being me
But when he notices these things in a hurry i will leave
Because alone I can't get hurt and my heart will not cry
Alone I will sit here, I will have happiness inside
I'll pretend I don't feel for you so you don't feel for me
So the feelings we both share we will never see
Cuz alone no one can hurt you and yet you feel the pain
So Tomorrows another day that will always be the same

bikewench

Wow....

You spoke my angst...

Beautiful ... sad.. yet,... hopeful words...

I know that fear...
about putting myself out there as well.. where I'm vulnerable.. and maybe not strong enough to not get pulled up by the roots and tossed aside.. like a weed..

yes.. very beautiful poem..
thank you for sharing it with us..

sad_lonely_tear

i really enjoy reading your comments... not only do they help but they sound so beautiful and well put. you really do have a way with words and i look forward everyday to reading them. plz keep in touch to let me know how ur doing and until my misery is solved i will continue to post my thoughts and problems.
thank you for you kindness and time

bikewench

Thank you so much for your kind words...

I so look forward to more of your poems.. and thoughts...

and you bet.. I'll keep in touch..
my sickness loves it when I isolate...


that's why I come to SR so much...
so many people here speak my language.. with love yet... ;o)
pretty hard to stay in my isolation with that at my fingertips..

I'll talk to you soon Sad... ;o)

sad_lonely_tear

well today was a good day... NO CUTS! i brought my lil. bro down for a couple of days to spend w/ me so that'll be good for my soul. i really don't have much to talk about and i haven't wrote nepoems as of yet but i will soon. hope your day was a good one.

sad_lonely_tear

well my computer has been down for a couple of weeks.... i've gone through stages of being sick and tired... and well just sick and tired of being sick and tired... lol.... well i wrote something and thought about sharing it... don't have a title tho.

A Painfilled heart
Ripping and tearing apart
forgotten tears
of so many years
lost, afraid
Alone, betrayed
the pain fills
my heart it kills
tears fall
death calls
upon my heart
with no new start


it's not the best ending but i left it at that.
well everyone have a great day...
i'll be thinking of all of you

sad_lonely_tear

i've been thinking alot lately and all my thoughts end the same... i've become depressed... deeply troubled on how much i seem to hate myself these days.... i just wish it would all end... that i would come to an end

Luckyv2

I can certainly relate to you, and being completely alone, I wish that things would be different, but I truely believe that as for me I am meant to be alone. I just don't see things in this world changing, nor do I think that it will be too much different if there is another world. I know that certain days I am ok, but most of the time, I too am alone, even in a room full of people I am alone, a prisoner of my own mind.

I don't know what all you have gone through cause for some reason I just now noticed this thread, but I will try to keep in touch if I do decide to stay here at SR, it is not likely but I will know in the morning. I hope all the best for you and hope that you will find someone or something that makes you feel apart of.

Love Vic

sad_lonely_tear

lucky.... i am a prisoner in my mind also... i can't seem to escape and i can't quite figure out what is keeping me there... i have so much in life to live for yet can't seem to escape my mind itself to enjoy it...
what may i ask keeps you in your mind... what are you afraid of?

Luckyv2

I have never been asked that but I think the reason is that I just want to die.

sad_lonely_tear

i feel that way too... quite often... frankly millions of us feel like that at one point or another...
for me comming here helps.... i can talk to complete strangers and not have the uncomfortable situations that u'd have face to face...
if you don't mind me asking why is it that you want to die

Luckyv2

LMMFAO OMG why do you ask me these things, I have a wall up LOL, if I keep answering these question you might get to know me. I am not sure I need to answer that question here at SR but If you want to email me and ask maybe I will answer more of your question ok. Oh BTW I read another post of yours and you talked about looking in the mirror and you saw what men liked LOL, I do have an idea of what you were refering to but I would like you to know that a few of us men look at what is on the inside (the heart) rather than the body.


Love Vic

sad_lonely_tear

sat. night my bestfriend passed away after being hit by a semi... i didn't even make it to say good-bye... i miss her sooo much... how can i be strong without the crutch that kept me steady?

Luckyv2

You can get through it with out cutting believe me I am here for you I am I do have ***** and messenger msn so please talk to me instead of cutting, I just had to give up my dog Lucky remember. I know that I can do it and I have faith in you. Please talk to me DON'T CUT PLEASE

Love Vic

bikewench

Sad...

I'm so sorry...
terrible loss...

but.. I'm glad you came to share it with us...
like Vic says...
come and let it out here...
don't cut..

Praying for you gurl...