Ayers

And I guess that's the jist of it.
Unlike my previous sober stint, this time is different.
I never went through the pink cloud phase. I haven't experienced bursts of energy and inspiration like before that I wrote about and rejoiced in.
This time is calmer, steadfast, quiet, personal... but oh so real. It's a deeper knowledge. Almost like I've allowed my ancient soul to take over.
My daily life is still the same. My work, relationship with husband and children still the same - although obviously they are very happy that I've been sober for 5 months.
But I've realised that if I find things mundane and boring - it's because they've always been that way. They're not boring because I stopped drinking.
My body is filled with aches and pains - but it's because I'm 62 and not 52 anymore - not because I felt better while drinking - I masked and ignored the aches and pains.
So, in effect, this time round is real. I'm dealing with reality. And some days I do feel chipper and able to post upbeat comments - but for the most part I feel...quite detached and uninvolved in my own recovery.
Am I the only one feeling this way?

Gymbunny7

Well done Ayers 5 months is fantastic. I'm now 7 months and like yourself I binge drank got back to normal for a few weeks binge drank again. I've had so many positive changes since I've stopped but I do sometimes get that panicky sensation of how am I going to do this forever. I try to breathe, relax and then think but you're doing it and I definitely don't miss the drunk me. Yes some days are good some not so good but that's life. Your comments on stuff you find boring that is what I'm trying to change. So obviously lots of jobs need to be done that we all find boring, ironing and cleaning the fridge. I'm trying to work on my life removing anything I find boring and trying to replace it with pursuits I really enjoy. I'm trying to find and activate new hobbies, trying different stuff in the hope that my life is genuinely happier. I used to binge drink to zone out switch my brain off and I clearly see situations where I know I'd of drank, each one I've faced and it adds a little more to my confidence. I to see my recovery feeling a bit on the outside watching in, a bit detached from it. For me I think that's how my body functions, anything I'm scared of or anything new I'm uncomfortable about I think for me I go into a detached state of mind, probably my sober coping mechanism. I understand exactly what you mean. I suspect for myself in the future I will feel whole again, I think it's the process of staying sober it's like I'm watching it from the outside. Possibly when I have more time sober and feel I really have this I'll rejoin my body and see the huge life changes I've made. I kinda feel like a work in progress, the period from 3 months is the hard work bit, the time to really start altering your mindset and it can be overwhelming so we possibly protect ourselves by detaching a little bit.

Not sure that makes any sense. I think that's what's happening to me so it maybe why it's happening to you. I tell myself we all have good and bad days, when I feel anxious I really concentrate on remembering the drunk me and each situation I'm facing sober reinforces my i can do this attitude.

Oglsby

I totally get you Ayers and have at times felt the same. I do agree with GB that we all are going to have some good days and bad days and such is life. Right now I am having an overhaul in my personal life in that I am starting to do things that I didn't do for many years due to drinking. I just got back from an amazing trip. I have taken an interest in history, art, hobbies like playing guitar again, reactivating some old friendships from childhood/teenage/early years. I turn 53 next week and I am approaching 4 years sober.

I will tell you it continues to get better and the activities and ideas for the boredom will come as well. Thanks for your post and just start thinking about what your life would look like if it were exciting, fresh, and new----because, well, it is!!!

Dee74

It took me a while to appreciate that my life didn't have to be chaotic anymore - chaos was a great provider of excuses to drink...I didn't need them anymore.

My life now is simple, yet expansive, not the reductionist world of the alcoholic.
I live quietly but I enjoy that - my social life is as full (or sparse) as I want it to be.
I have great friends, not drinking buddies.

I'm back in contact with the real me and that worth everything to me.

What makes you feel uninvolved in your own recovery Ayers? Is this 'I should be' thing?
Sometimes the best place to be is exactly where you are.

I'm not thinking about recovery 24/7 these days... but recovery is always my default, if that makes sense?

D

Ayers

Thanks for your replies, Dee Og and Gymbunny.
I think what I actually meant to say was: I'm doing this quietly, not talking about it much (with my husband), forgetting how many days sober I have for a week here and there until I count again.
It's just... different to back in 2019 - I was much more upbeat and excited , more active on SR. Until I strayed and fell on my face.
It's happening and I feel like I'm not playing an active part. Much like leaving bread to rise and coming back and being surprised that it happened without you watching over it.
Don't get me wrong - I'm loving it. I'm just kind of surprised by it. That I know this is the one time that it really stuck. This aint gonna change. This is it. This is me. Today, tomorrow, forever.
Without fanfare and trumpets - it just happened. And I'm so grateful. I had my fair share of difficult times in the first couple of days/weeks, but after that - just clear sailing.
I guess because I realised that it HAD to stick this time. No going back.
Perhaps I feel some kind of survivor's guilt? Dunno.
Perhaps it has also become my default, Dee. I hope so.
Sorry for rambling.

Dee74

I hope so too…it’s got to stick sometime, right?

D

DriGuy

The pink cloud is a wild ride, but it's a temporary semi manic state. Eventually, things settle down. I doubt that normal drinkers get the pink cloud (why would they?), and the cloud is not necessary in life... Unless you have unrealistic expectations about what reality should be. There's a lot about recovery that is just normal everyday stuff. I will say that boredom is not my problem. It was when I drank, but went away for reasons I don't understand once in recovery, but I doubt it's like that for everyone.

Dee mentioned chaos. Chaos should not be a normal state, and it's not comfortable. Although some people seek it out, often to fill their empty lives with drama, although I'm speculating on that. There's nothing wrong with the absence of constant turmoil in our lives. We can learn to live comfortably without it going on. I mean that too. We can LEARN to accept the quiet.

Long term recovery has it's problems, because life presents them. Recovery may not be a rose garden, but it's a far cry from a tar pit. Reality doesn't get better. We just learn to navigate it with a bit more skill, with the end result of less chaos and agony. I find that state to be rewarding in a peaceful sort of way.

Zencat

Maybe you are more cautious this time. A relapse as you know will wreck any good mood in sobriety. This time perhaps your stoic determination to stay sober tempers your joy a tad. You are focusing more on living sober in the long term and maybe your enthusiasm is replaced with contentment, a deeper joy that comes with doing hard work with success.

Keep up the good effort because it gets better.

Zebra1275

Congratulations on your sober time!

Ayers

DriGuy - so true : Nothing wrong with constant turmoil in our lives. Actually your entire post ... spot on. Thank you.
Zencat- "This time perhaps your stoic determination to stay sober tempers your joy a tad" ... also spot on. Thank you
Zebra - thank you.
Thanks everyone - I think you get me.
I think I am a little in awe with the calm, the absence of chaos, and yes... also the lack of excitement.
My entire outlook has changed. I work freelance with hectic deadlines. Everyone who knows me knows I start at 3 or 4 in the mornings. That has changed. I start later and I do less. And it's okay.
I take long walks and do yoga every second day. I'm much more zen than I used to be. I don't wizz around, I amble around at a slower pace. And I want this longterm.
Thanks for hearing me out.

Lixie

I can relate, Ayers. During the last 144 days I've had only a few days where I was happy, no pink cluod to speak of. But I have a deeper feeling of peace, if that makes any sense.

Congratulations on five months!

matilda123

you are definitely not the only one feeling this way. This time around—compared to 2014 when I first became sober—feels more real. I don’t feel necessarily detached from my recovery, but feel more prepared? Able? Willing? To not drink. I am still cataloging and celebrating the improvements to my physical, mental and emotional well being, but this time around I also just feel done in a way I didn’t before. Might be my age, too: I am in my
mid 50s.

i am cognizant that this feeling can also be my AV talking (it is a sneaky &#128520 so I plan to stay vigilant.

Ayers

Thanks Lixie - you're right behind me, 6 more days and you'll be 5 months too. And yes - it does make sense. Glad I'm not the only one.
Thanks Matilda. I know what you mean when you say it feels more real. And we should always stay vigilant, right?

DriGuy

This is the way it often goes. We fumble and fumble, until we finally reconcile ourselves to what we have to do. Instead of hoping for the impossible, we take control and take steps to recover. In my case, I wanted to get sober, well actually I just wanted to learn to control my drinking, but I didn't want to actually do anything to get sober. Then one day, I just stopped drinking and got serious. And you kind of have to wonder why it took so long to get to that point. But it happens. Alcoholism is a strange world of it's own.

Anna

Ayers, I never went through a pink cloud period either. For awhile, I wished that I had. But, in hindsight, I realized that my early recovery was slow and steady and I didn't have a lot of peaks or valleys. Sometimes it was just plodding along. The value of the slow, steady climb really worked for me. Congratulations on your recovery time.

Hevyn

We do get you, Ayers.

I know just what you mean. When I finally gave up the idea that I could be a social drinker, I was quite calm about it. In my heart, I knew the fight was over - I was not going to be able to go back out & live through it. That was many years ago, and I never did pick up again. I'd proven to myself, through all sorts of chaos, that I didn't dare touch it.

Congratulations on your 5 months sober. That's wonderful news.

Oglsby

I think when it FINALLY sticks, it just does. The struggles of previous attempts are just not there. I think you are in that place. When I quit 4 years ago, honestly, it was easy. Other times it was not, because I don't think I wanted to quit.

matilda123

this! When quitting is the thing we want more than anything, I think the healing can begin.

AAPJ

Ayers,
At 63 the youthful awe of my younger years has faded a bit. So, I certainly understand where you are coming from. But the peaceful serenity that has replaced it while more subtle is still quite rewarding.

Ayers

Thanks everyone - I appreciate each one's replies