aamirkhan164

Hey you guys. I've been on SR a few times in my life. I think the longest was about 8 months or so. It really helped me when I was consistent. I am at a difficult point in my life. I have about 5 days sober.

I finally got an internship at a place I truly love
A job I like
But certain members of my family do not respect my triggers. Sadly, they will use my triggers against me to bring me down to an even worse relapse. And then when I relapse, they will make me feel bad for being an addict. Lately, I have been thinking of reaching out to an inpatient facility that is halfway across the state. It is a one-year inpatient rehab facility. I competed 3 months of the program before but returned home when my dad got sick. The program isn't perfect as no program is but the sober community out there is extremely supportive, and I saved up to fly out there. But it would mean leaving my loved ones. I haven't left my mom since my dad died in 2020 and my mom and I are best friends. I've left home before and almost always regretted. I mean, would this be me running away again? But I mean how much more can I take? I spent the entire summer trying to get sober and now I relapsed AGAIN! In fact, I feel like leaving NY would be like letting that evil family member have their "win". I don't know what to do anymore. I am just tried of constantly working hard at my sobriety and then being left with the guilt and shame of relapse. PLEASE HELP.

aamirkhan164

Anyone there?

AthensDawgs

chronic relapser here as well.

meetings and group and individual counselling. KISS principle: Keep it Simple Stupid. It's very easy to get away from that, but I am adamant about sticking to it. I also have to keep a schedule, very important to me and getting plenty of sleep.

fishkiller

We cannot let others dictate our actions and feelings.
I also believe we need to do Whatever it takes to get and stay sober.
For the mean time, Just Don't Drink Today

dustyfox

I am sorry things are so tough for you. I agree with FishKiller that you must put yourself and your sobriety first. You cannot let other people alter this. Stay true to what you know you must do.

AJ143143

I understand what you are going through. I think it’s a tough thing to give advice on without knowing the background. Ex. Does your mom trigger you? As part of the family you mentioned ?… if you feel you need a year in patient than that’s what you should do. Could you perhaps do 30 meetings in 30 days somewhere locally and get a local sponsor so that you can keep the job you love? Can you set stronger boundaries with the family that is triggering you?

aamirkhan164

I spoke to a previous sponsor who walked w me to 8 months sober last year. He reiterated this to me today. Also- To be clear, the job is somewhere I love but it is unpaid and a requirement for school, and I am also in a master's program. My sponsor told me right now, I need to K.I.S.S. At least until I get a good amount of time clean, I should put the job and degree on hold. He said I have proved time and time again that I can attain success, but I lose it because I don't put sobriety first. He said to stay here where I currently live but embrace AA and some sort of outpatient program and to call him everyday.

Anna

I think I agree with your sponsor. Remember that a year-long inpatient program doesn't guarantee successful recovery and no relapses. Those things, ultimately, are up to you. I believe that, if you are motivated, you will be successful and the program you choose won't matter as much as the changes you make within yourself. One thing I would say is stay away from family members who disrespect you. You do not need toxic people in your life now or ever. You need to surround yourself with people who support you and love you. One of the most important things I did in early recovery was to remove several toxic people from my life, including a close family member. Listen to your heart and do what you need, lean on people who will help you. And, know that we are here for you.

fishkiller

Anna is right.
I have removed a few toxic people and family members from my circle and man it felt good.

Alpine

I have removed toxic people from my life as well. However, people around me still trigger me..But I am working hard to change my mindset to: I allow myself to be triggered vs they trigger me. This gives me the control on how I react. Yes, trust me, it is easier said than done..I am working darn hard ( not to say that you are not working hard ) to change my thought process. I am very much a work in progress and, sure I get triggered, I just need to learn how to adjust and deal with it in my own way. What works for me may not work for you or others. I wish you the best.

sugarbear1

Have you worked the 12 steps yet?

Other than not drinking, what are you doing for your sober journey?

aamirkhan164

Hey. Anna thank you for the advice. I have trouble removing toxic people because of my fear of being alone. Also, which part of my sponsor's suggestion do you not agree with? Because I think putting a break on school/internship is a bit drastic especially when it may be a motivator. In the summer, that same sponsor told me to let go of a job and it really was a decision I regretted. I am anxious about going back to my internship tomorrow since I don't have my sponsor's support. But I know I am doing it for my education!

sugarbear1

Sponsors should give experience, not advice. If there is no experience, direct me to someone who had my same experience; what did they do and what happened as a result? Unsolicited advice is good, but.....I'd rather know what worked or what works!

My sponsor gave me advice for a job they had no experience with. I did not take their advice, luckily! I had some experience with this, so it worked out much better. My Higher Power gave me free will and a sober mind, so I believe I can make sober decisions, too.

Anna

I'll tell you what worked for me - balance. I knew that if I only focused on recovery it wouldn't work for me. I needed balance in my life, including family time, job time (for me that was volunteer work 3 days a week due to a major move), me time (reading, music, alone time), outside/walking time. I needed all of that in order to succeed. I still require balance in my life all the time and it's when things become unbalanced that I begin to feel not right.

I think that fear of being alone means that you're uncomfortable sitting with your feelings. I used to be overly busy and I realized in recovery that I was avoiding my feelings by being busy. Again, this is just what worked for me. You need to find what works for you and embrace it.

aamirkhan164

Thank you Anna!! I am going to PM you when SR allows me to. Keep me in good thoughts and prayers for tomorrow.

aamirkhan164

I do want to mention that the nature of my studies/internship can be triggering and falls in the line of working with those recovering and/or in active addiction. Therefore, that may be where my sponsor's concern came from.

kes

Yo aa, what's up buddy,

Mate, I've done the detox thing and it saved my life, no word of a lie, I'd have been pushing up daisies by now if I hadn';t gone in.

Sadly my parents have passed over. My Ma was the most important person in my life, we were so close. I know she would have supported me all the way to go to Rehab if she witnessed the amount of pain, turmoil and anguish I was going through. Even if that meant us seperating for a year. Her main focus would be on getting me better, clean and sober. I've never met your Ma, but if you are as close as you say, she'll think exactly the same. I can almost hear my Ma saying tell the lad to go and get fixed and get his life back.

As for the family member laying the guilt trips, the best kick in the balls you can give him/her is getting sober. That will **** them off no end by the sounds of it.

There's alwys whatsapp, zoom etc. I know it's not the same as being in the same room as your Ma but gone are the days of writing letters to keep in touch. Get me buddy!

Go for the rehab before it's too late pal and you've croaked, that will hurt your Ma more than anything.

aa, I hope this helps?!! It's only my opinion, but I'm sure it's sound advice.

Good luck on whatever you decide. ATB