pickled1

​​​​​​Have been drinking 20 years. But didn't think I was "that bad"
These past 9 months have gotten completely out of control, practically around the clock drinking with lots of trouble with my grown kids attached.

To cut a long story short have just been through the worst week of withdrawal of my life (which is saying something). Mentally as well as physically.
It's like someone got hold of my shoulders and forced me to look in the mirror.
I saw me as I really am and it's been awful, I AM "that bad" I can't pretend I'm not. I see what I have done to people and myself over the years through drink.
I've just been through all the guilt and grieving and come out of the other side.
I'm not who I fooled myself I was, this is not a game. I don't know who I am, except I don't want to be the way I have been.
Where the h@ll has my head been for the last 20 years?
Feel like I have just woken from a nightmare, but 20 years have passed and been wasted.
Why have I suddenly "come to" ?
Why couldn't I see this clearly sooner?
It's a really strange feeling

Anna

Denial is a big part of alcoholism. I feel the same as you do when I look back. I almost can't believe it was me, but of course, it was.

The main thing is that you don't have to go through this again. Make this your Day 1 and decide to stop drinking for good.

pickled1

Yes, denial all gone.
I'm on day 8. Had a bad 7 days there. Just me and my withdrawals. Think I had a seizure in my sleep too. Maybe it rewired my brain.
All I know is, that old me feels dead now.
No denial of the problem. No denial or minimising the carnage of the past. No more playing silly games with silly excuses of why I "must" have a drink, no more bargaining or arguing with the AV.
That life is over for good
I realise, I don't have to keep doing that horrible stuff to myself anymore.
I feel very small in a big world. But not in a bad way

Anna

Great job on Day 8.

Dee74

That journey from denial to self awareness or acceptance, call it what you will, takes what it takes.
When I was ready I left the past behind and step out into a new life

Congrats Pickled

D

Steely

Congratulations Pickled.

Like Anna I look back now and can't believe it was me who did these things to myself, and to others. It was. And now it's not.

Two years for me now Pickled and it is so much better.

Join us on your sober journey.

pickled1

Thank you Anna, Dee and SteelyI think that's right Dee. It's a new self awareness coupled with acceptance. I've never ever felt like this before.

I've been tortured with remorse and guilt lots of times after drinking and hurting people and myself. I've become so self immersed in it, I've "had" to go out and drink to get myself away from it!
I've vowed "never again" too many times to count. I've vowed to "fight" it too many times to count. Tried every "method" there is.

But this time, although I went through the remembering every bad thing I ever said or did in drink, I let go of mauling it around in my mind.
This time, I thought, I did those things, Im really regretful for doing them and I let the thought go because I can't undo them.
I feel sad I hurt people and I had a little cry about the past and let the emotion go.
I felt a little compassion for myself this time too, first time ever, felt sad about what I have done to myself and let it go. And was able to let these things go.
I accept that that was the way I lived my life and feel sad about that.
But I don't want to fight the booze anymore. I don't want to torture myself with mental self punishment.
I just feel terribly sad about the whole thing to do with drinking and squandering my life on it and the things my kids and I missed out on.
But although I do feel sad about it all, I feel ready to move on from the whole sorry mess.

I'm not silly enough to think I won't have physical urges, already had them.
But I just don't want to fight anymore. It beat me, it took 20 years of my life. I just want to move on and do something else with my life now

Hevyn

Pickled - Believe me, you aren't alone in this. I did the same thing - only for me it was nearly 30 yrs. of trying to be a social drinker & failing.
The fact that I couldn't face the things I had said & done kept me drinking long after I knew I had to quit (or die). By talking things over here on SR I finally found the courage to stop & face my reality. It was horrible in the beginning, but each day I gained a bit of strength & determination. I was gradually able to hold my head up & work to find the authentic me I had left behind years ago.

I now have 14 yrs. of sobriety. The thing I thought I could never live without - rarely crosses my mind these days. Congrats on your 8 days sober. Please be kind & patient with yourself. You are healing.

VikingGF

Pickled- Congrats on day 8 & on your giant step of forgiveness and acceptance. For me, that pretty much ended my struggle, I hope the same for you. Stay close and keep going.

brighterday1234

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it (AA). This is my experience over time sober in recovery 🙏

MrPL

This self awareness is a big step. I think most of us here either don’t recognise or don’t like the person we find once we commit to quitting.

The beauty of this is that sobriety allows us to change that.

I’d be inclined to say that your true essence is not who you have been for the last 20 years. It’s lost somewhere in there, but you can and you will find it if you actively work on it (which you can only do sober). This is surely what happened to me.

Sounds like you are on the right path, my best wishes to you.

BackandScared

Congratulations on your first week and lots of strenght and light to the path ahead.

fishkiller

Glad you joined us!
It really is a great feeling, the Freedom from alcohol.

DriGuy

Most of the damage is what you probably did to yourself. Others will have a chance to heal, and they can do it without the burden of alcoholism. You were a drunken loser. You may have been a jerk to others; I don't know. Stay sober and in time, you will begin to forgive yourself for what you did. You will still remember much of the worst of it, and you will feel regret. You can't make that go away, it's part of your past, and your past is part of you.

But as MrPl said, "The beauty of this is that sobriety allows us to change that." The regrets will soften as you begin to forgive yourself. Your past actions won't disappear, but you can work toward developing a new set of actions that will make your life better and the lives of those around you too. Others may or may not forgive you. That will not be your concern. You need to develop that potentially better person inside of you for your own good. There is a better person inside us too, because ultimately in a sober life, we get to choose how we act, and our actions are what define us. You will always be that guy who was once a drunk and a jerk, but you can change what you are now, and that's all you can change.

It won't happen over night. You are learning new skills. Learning curves are often hard and frustrating, but like solving a problem on your computer, there is a relief of self satisfaction every time you get something right. These will be the little steps, and over time, an accumulation of little steps will make big differences. The journey is actually a lot of fun, completely different from the recognition that you have been an ugly mess. Yes, that's a brutal slap in the face, because you spent years ignoring it or pretending it wasn't really like that.

"Sobriety allows us to change that."

MLD51

Congratulations. You are at the exact point I was the day I realized it had to be over. I stopped bargaining with alcohol, I realized I never had to drink again, and every bit of denial was gone. It was like flipping a switch for me, and it sounds like you have also had your "ah ha" moment. And I love how you described feeling very small in a big world. I felt that same way - almost like a re-birth. I was scared, but really really hopeful at the same time.

Come up with a plan for your recovery. Even though I "flipped the switch," it was still work to build a solid foundation for my sobriety. Just quitting was not enough for me -- I knew I needed a toolbox for when the AV tried to sweet talk me. I did a lot of things: AA, intensive outpatient, interacting here several times a day, reading all kinds of literature, soaking myself in recovery all day every day. I also started eating better, exercising more, getting more sleep. It all helped in some way. Everyone's recovery plan is a little different, but everyone needs one.

pickled1

Wow, thanks for all the replies! I guess I was wondering if other people had experienced this and if it was a turing point for them. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Reading here, I do realise, it is just that, a turning point and I'll still have to work to build on it.
But at least it's somewhere to start! In the past, everything was fragmented. I only thought about my drinking one binge at a time. My remorse over drinking was all about what I had done in the latest binge. My time was taken up trying to put right whatever trouble I had caused during the latest binge. Making excuses for the latest binge, getting over the the withdrawals of the latest binge. I couldn't seem to see the whole picture, that I was indeed an alcoholic and this was the pattern of my alcoholism. Then once the drama had died down, I would start to minimise the latest binge and do it all again.

Driguy, I don't know if a woman can be a jerk? I think I was. I have never been violent or aggressive in drink but I have been a jerk. Unreliable, lying, neglectful of other peoples needs, narcissistic etc, all the things that come with drink.
It didn't really matter to me if I had been drinking or not, what mattered was that other people didn't think I'd been drinking. It didn't matter what the reality of the situation was only that I managed to get people to fit their reality into my delusional world. I tried to control how I wanted people to think about me.
Looking back, I'd disappear for weeks, drinking at home, making excuses why I couldn't be contacted (fooling no one) and then pop back up expecting to be treated like a devoted mother and grandmother and complaining and blaming when I wasn't given the respect I deserve (?!). In my mind, I was! But only because I could discount my absences because they were spent in a blackout, so didn't count.
I thought it was unfair the kids thought I only fitted them in between my drinking, which looking back is true!!
I was constantly trying to create a false reality and control what people were thinking about me so they would buy into my fake world.

I've saw the light with that too. They are not stupid. They have a right to be angry and disillusioned with all the false promises I made over the years (although the promises were genuine when I was coming down off the booze)
My children are adults now, you can't parent an adult, can't go back in time and re-mother them the right way.
They are still talking to me, At least I have something to try to build new relationships on. I think they see me as a bit of a pathetic figure more than anything. But I accept now they have a right to their own opinions of me. They have made their own opinions of me and I have no control over that at this moment. I don't want to try to control what they think anymore. I can just be the best I can from now on and hope their opinion changes when they see me being the person I want to be, can be, without the shackles of drink.
We all have our own crosses to bear in life, I'm just sorry that I became one of theirs. But I will just have to step down, deal with my own business and what will be, will be.

It helps writing things down and getting them out and straighter in my mind and this feedback given has been a great help. Still a little fuzzy headed.
Near the end of my withdrawals last week, I got a ring from a job I put in for ages ago (I haven't been able to hold a job down for years) but applied online, drunk. They want to conduct a phone interview today as the first stage of recruitment. I don't really feel up to it, but am going to do it. At least it has given me a glimmer of hope that their can be a different life if I look for it. Even if I don't get anywhere with this at least it's given me the idea I might actually be able to get back and be a functional member of society and my family

Thank you very much again for the support

fishkiller

We All have done plenty we are not proud of. I think it's ok to reflect a little but don't beat yourself up about it too much.
As long as we stay sober and work towards bettering, if that's a word, ourselves the past will fade away.

My daughter grew up knowing me only as a drinker, a drunk. She now knows the Real fish.
It's awesome you still have a relationship with your kids. Sober that relationship will only get better.

Early on is hard and confusing. The AV will tell you all kinds of things to trick you into drinking again.
The thing I learned here and that kept me sober and still keeps me sober is one simple but life changing promise to myself,
I Do NOT Drink, No Matter What.

period, no compromise, no discussion.

pickled1

Hello fishkiller. Thanks for your post. The weird thing is, for the first time ever, I'm NOT beating myself up!
Even before I started drinking I was always very bad with the negative self talk. But now, it's sort of I see what I did wrong but think there is no use in the self punishment and guilt. It doesn't help anyone and is just as self indulgent as the drink. This time my energies are going to go, as you say, into being the undrunkard me. I want to make up to the people I hurt by being good to them, not sit brooding in my own black feelings like I usually do.
I'm glad your family got to know the real you!
It just feels like I have been balancing a heavy weight for a long time and all my energy has gone into keeping control of it all.
Now it's all collapsed, crashed to the ground. And I'm free to move on lighter

pickled1

A recruitment manager rang this morning and put back the interview until tomorrow. He was very kind and said he wasn't meant to, but was going to send me a selection of questions the training team would ask, I caught a break!
Still feel sick with apprehension though. It's been so long since I felt like I belonged in the real world. I am still not sleeping and a bit fuzzy headed. As it's a zoom meeting type call, I am putting notes out of sight with reminders of how to answer the questions. I need all the help I can get!!
I need to get back into work as quickly as possible, as staying in this house, my drinking hole, living hand to mouth will only lead back to one place I would think. And if it did, I wouldn't even be able to say I didn't know what I was getting into.

fishkiller

I will say this time around I felt different also. That's a good sign.

You'll do fine on the interview. That's great they gave you a little homework, that should definitely help you.

Good luck and stay sober

If this one don't work out there will be others.

I believe everything happens for a reason