Feel like I died
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Yes Hawkeye, I have been blessed lately. At some level it scares me because I am just waiting for something to go wrong 😮
Or maybe that is just years of being in the drinking lifestyle mentality? Disaster and crisis was never far away while I was drinking
Or maybe that is just years of being in the drinking lifestyle mentality? Disaster and crisis was never far away while I was drinking
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,174
Originally Posted by pickled1 
Yes Hawkeye, I have been blessed lately. At some level it scares me because I am just waiting for something to go wrong 😮
Or maybe that is just years of being in the drinking lifestyle mentality? Disaster and crisis was never far away while I was drinking
Or maybe that is just years of being in the drinking lifestyle mentality? Disaster and crisis was never far away while I was drinking
You mentioned way back in this thread that sometimes you were a jerk. I can relate to that, but I was a stupid jerk. I often wonder who that guy was back then. There is nothing about addiction that draws me back. It's a waste of time, and a horrible way to live. There's nothing good about it. Some people talk about being drawn back because of some kind of nostalgia. I have no nostalgia about drinking. I just remember being stupid, and that was the best part, followed the next day by a remorseful hangover.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,438
I think you are right about the “disaster and crisis” reality of the drinking lifestyle pickled—I drank even more when there were important issues to be dealt with or problems developing because I was scared, angry, procrastinating, and avoidant.
That made bad things happen more often with worse outcomes.
Like DriGuy says, crap still happens but a lot less of it and it is usually much less serious because I am proactive & positive due to being sober and building my recovery.
I also have increased confidence I can solve problems and I feel good about myself living life on its own terms instead of hiding myself in a bottle and trying to numb it all away—which never worked for long anyway. . .
I think your blessings are what your recovery looks like. Of course be vigilant and keep working, but also take time to enjoy the gifts and maybe take some pride in all your have so far achieved.
That made bad things happen more often with worse outcomes.
Like DriGuy says, crap still happens but a lot less of it and it is usually much less serious because I am proactive & positive due to being sober and building my recovery.
I also have increased confidence I can solve problems and I feel good about myself living life on its own terms instead of hiding myself in a bottle and trying to numb it all away—which never worked for long anyway. . .
I think your blessings are what your recovery looks like. Of course be vigilant and keep working, but also take time to enjoy the gifts and maybe take some pride in all your have so far achieved.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,165
Sounds like someone is feeling some Gratitude!
Don't de afraid about bad things happening. They will. No need to waste time and dilute the great things that are happening NOW with worries about the future.
Bask in the sunshine while it lasts.
It does take time to get out of the disaster crisis mode. I think I took longer than most but it was worth the struggle.
Don't de afraid about bad things happening. They will. No need to waste time and dilute the great things that are happening NOW with worries about the future.
Bask in the sunshine while it lasts.
It does take time to get out of the disaster crisis mode. I think I took longer than most but it was worth the struggle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Thank you for the guidance Hawkeye, Driguy and fishkiller, it's much appreciated .
Helps get things into perspective.
I think I have just forgotten how to be happy 😂
I am incredibly grateful for the sudden change in my life!
And yes, I'm back in the real world now, sometimes things that are not so good are going to happen. But you are right, I won't be dealing with them out of my box befuddled with drink.
I think it's down to confidence also. I have no confidence in myself about being able to deal with anything.
Heck as well as not working and just drinking for the last 10 years, when I was working I couldn't hold a job down for very long the last few years of that because of the hangovers.
Sometimes I even drank at work.
I have been totally incompetent due to the drink for at least 12 years out of the 20 I drank too much.
And yes, a jerk and an idiot just about summed up me too!
I need to prove to myself I'm a proper person who can live in the real world.
Helps get things into perspective.
I think I have just forgotten how to be happy 😂
I am incredibly grateful for the sudden change in my life!
And yes, I'm back in the real world now, sometimes things that are not so good are going to happen. But you are right, I won't be dealing with them out of my box befuddled with drink.
I think it's down to confidence also. I have no confidence in myself about being able to deal with anything.
Heck as well as not working and just drinking for the last 10 years, when I was working I couldn't hold a job down for very long the last few years of that because of the hangovers.
Sometimes I even drank at work.
I have been totally incompetent due to the drink for at least 12 years out of the 20 I drank too much.
And yes, a jerk and an idiot just about summed up me too!
I need to prove to myself I'm a proper person who can live in the real world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
On the train, on my way home after the break at my daughter's 😟 It's been really nice seeing her and my granddaughter.
Now back to the real world.
It's day 18 and haven't changed my stance about leaving drink behind forever and doing something else with what is left of my life, however intimidating that seems at this moment. I just refuse to be intimidated!!!
I have my little list of things I want to accomplish this month. I have a list of everything that needs sorting out bill wise. I have a list of things that need doing around the house. I may do a list of my many lists 😁
Now back to the real world.
It's day 18 and haven't changed my stance about leaving drink behind forever and doing something else with what is left of my life, however intimidating that seems at this moment. I just refuse to be intimidated!!!
I have my little list of things I want to accomplish this month. I have a list of everything that needs sorting out bill wise. I have a list of things that need doing around the house. I may do a list of my many lists 😁
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,165
Good Work!
Just be cautious of those lists.
I was so energetic and full of the, let's make up for lost time, I overwhelmed myself and crashed hard.
We must set goals IMO. Just be realistic and kind to yourself if they are not met as you think they should be.
The number one goal is to stay sober. As long as that goal is met daily we can sort everything else out when we get a chance.
My goal today was set all the drawers in my cabinets. Wellllll that is going Way not as planned.
I am now walking away.
So much for that plan
The number one plan is working out though. I won't drink today.
I may, or may not have, thrown a drawer slide or 2 😳
but I will not drink.
You're doing great!
No turning back now
Just be cautious of those lists.
I was so energetic and full of the, let's make up for lost time, I overwhelmed myself and crashed hard.
We must set goals IMO. Just be realistic and kind to yourself if they are not met as you think they should be.
The number one goal is to stay sober. As long as that goal is met daily we can sort everything else out when we get a chance.
My goal today was set all the drawers in my cabinets. Wellllll that is going Way not as planned.
I am now walking away.
So much for that plan
The number one plan is working out though. I won't drink today.
I may, or may not have, thrown a drawer slide or 2 😳
but I will not drink.
You're doing great!
No turning back now
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 3,110
I just love this thread, Pickled. Thank you so much for sharing --it's inspiring to read. I'm borrowing your response to anxiety/worry-"It will be fine."
I'm so happy for you and how things are working out. Lots of observations and stuff to think about that you've shared as well as what others have shared.
thanks again for this.
I'm so happy for you and how things are working out. Lots of observations and stuff to think about that you've shared as well as what others have shared.
thanks again for this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Hello fishkiller, I think you "may" rather than may not have thrown that drawer slide 😆
I understand what you're saying. But my lists are very modest. More to bring me up to being "normal"
Tidy the cupboards (the ones I just open the door an inch and throw things into)
Make sure my clothes are all pristine, manicure my nails, put make up on if I am going anywhere, keep up with the washing and the housework, wash down the paintwork etc.
And as you say, most importantly don't drink. Do the best I can at this job, don't turn in late, hung over and go back to square one!!
Thank you Samwitch that is so sweet of you! I really appreciate your comments 🙂 makes me feel useful! I read you too and you are doing great. Very upbeat. No good getting out of the prison that is addiction into a self imposed mind jail is my thoughts these days.
Yes, the "It'll be fine" thing really works at blocking out needless worry. You can't ruminate if your head is chanting a mantra.
I know I've been saying I've been distrusting of this new lucky period and wary of the next disaster. Everything that went wrong in the past wasn't down to drink. But I did use things to justify my drinking. I lost a grandbaby when he was a toddler 6 years ago and my dad last year and my brother the year before. But bad things happening aren't the reason for drinking, I drank long, long before all that happened. My distant past isn't a reason for my drinking either. My addiction to alcohol was. And being lazy and not using more time consuming and effort taking coping mechanisms. Running from life. Trouble is when you run away, you miss out on all the good stuff too.
I think if something bad did happen, the last thing I would want to do is drink, because with hindsight, the only way to make a bad situation worse, is to add drink to the equation.
Feeling suitably nerve wracked about the "mingle" day at new job tomorrow, but at least I feel something and that can only be good 😆
I understand what you're saying. But my lists are very modest. More to bring me up to being "normal"
Tidy the cupboards (the ones I just open the door an inch and throw things into)
Make sure my clothes are all pristine, manicure my nails, put make up on if I am going anywhere, keep up with the washing and the housework, wash down the paintwork etc.
And as you say, most importantly don't drink. Do the best I can at this job, don't turn in late, hung over and go back to square one!!
Thank you Samwitch that is so sweet of you! I really appreciate your comments 🙂 makes me feel useful! I read you too and you are doing great. Very upbeat. No good getting out of the prison that is addiction into a self imposed mind jail is my thoughts these days.
Yes, the "It'll be fine" thing really works at blocking out needless worry. You can't ruminate if your head is chanting a mantra.
I know I've been saying I've been distrusting of this new lucky period and wary of the next disaster. Everything that went wrong in the past wasn't down to drink. But I did use things to justify my drinking. I lost a grandbaby when he was a toddler 6 years ago and my dad last year and my brother the year before. But bad things happening aren't the reason for drinking, I drank long, long before all that happened. My distant past isn't a reason for my drinking either. My addiction to alcohol was. And being lazy and not using more time consuming and effort taking coping mechanisms. Running from life. Trouble is when you run away, you miss out on all the good stuff too.
I think if something bad did happen, the last thing I would want to do is drink, because with hindsight, the only way to make a bad situation worse, is to add drink to the equation.
Feeling suitably nerve wracked about the "mingle" day at new job tomorrow, but at least I feel something and that can only be good 😆
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
It's 5am been up since 4. Have to be at there for 10. My alarm was set for 6 but I have had dreams all night of being late, so just put myself out of my misery and got up.
When I think about it, it's ridiculous being as nervous as this. Although people generally see alcoholics as weak (people who have never experienced it) I think we are some of the most resilient people around in a way. It's an incredibly hard lifestyle to live. Yes, while under the influence, we are suitably cushioned against feeling any real emotions or anxiety. But when that influence wears off and the withdrawals set in the anxiety ramps up to unimaginable levels as does the physical discomfort.
Yet we live through it again and again.
I'm asking myself, what is worse? Feeling anxiety over stepping into unknown territory this morning, or waking up out of money/too sick to drink anymore and having a week of non stop withdrawal symptoms and having to sort out the trouble I have caused myself when drunk and the agony of estranging people I love. Thinking you will surely die during this set of withdrawals, thinking you've took it a step too far this time and done yourself permanent damage or taking a first step to try to make a better life?
The long days and nights of EXTREME anxiety, during withdrawals, with no let up, feelings of doom, shaking, sweating, vomiting, diarrhea, weakness, insomnia/ nightmares, hearing things/seeing things that aren't real, trying to keep afloat and sort out the simplest everyday tasks, like wash the dishes or pay the bills when you feel you are drowning in black treacle.
Just showing up for a few hours for this "mingle" day, with non chemical induced anxiety should be child's play!
Yes, I'm self conscious about starting a job at my age and the way I look. But I'm trying to stay focused on the goal. This job means more money, three times as much as you have on the dole (not that that is saying much) 😆 But it means I can visit my daughter more often, because train fares are expensive and getting more so. I can brighten my living place up gradually. Keep up with my bills and pay off my debt. It'll be something to occupy my mind, rather than sitting alone day in day out. The days should go faster with a routine and something to do, therefore the time between me and my last drink will go faster.
I'm just rambling now 😆
When I think about it, it's ridiculous being as nervous as this. Although people generally see alcoholics as weak (people who have never experienced it) I think we are some of the most resilient people around in a way. It's an incredibly hard lifestyle to live. Yes, while under the influence, we are suitably cushioned against feeling any real emotions or anxiety. But when that influence wears off and the withdrawals set in the anxiety ramps up to unimaginable levels as does the physical discomfort.
Yet we live through it again and again.
I'm asking myself, what is worse? Feeling anxiety over stepping into unknown territory this morning, or waking up out of money/too sick to drink anymore and having a week of non stop withdrawal symptoms and having to sort out the trouble I have caused myself when drunk and the agony of estranging people I love. Thinking you will surely die during this set of withdrawals, thinking you've took it a step too far this time and done yourself permanent damage or taking a first step to try to make a better life?
The long days and nights of EXTREME anxiety, during withdrawals, with no let up, feelings of doom, shaking, sweating, vomiting, diarrhea, weakness, insomnia/ nightmares, hearing things/seeing things that aren't real, trying to keep afloat and sort out the simplest everyday tasks, like wash the dishes or pay the bills when you feel you are drowning in black treacle.
Just showing up for a few hours for this "mingle" day, with non chemical induced anxiety should be child's play!
Yes, I'm self conscious about starting a job at my age and the way I look. But I'm trying to stay focused on the goal. This job means more money, three times as much as you have on the dole (not that that is saying much) 😆 But it means I can visit my daughter more often, because train fares are expensive and getting more so. I can brighten my living place up gradually. Keep up with my bills and pay off my debt. It'll be something to occupy my mind, rather than sitting alone day in day out. The days should go faster with a routine and something to do, therefore the time between me and my last drink will go faster.
I'm just rambling now 😆
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
AND..that feeling where you just want to jump out of your body and mind and run away from yourself. I think once I got into the cycle, it was that feeling that kept me in it. As I couldn't jump out of myself and run away, alcohol was the next best thing at disconnecting me from my mind and body. I no longer have to feel that feeling. Now I'm not drink sodden, I am finding different ways to have a rest from my thoughts when I want to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Hello Tailia, thank you for the encouragement 🙂 I do appreciate it.
Well today went as much as I thought it would. My training group was mainly early 20s and a couple of early 30s people. The next oldest person down from me person was 40, the same age as my oldest son 😆.
They gave us all a laptop to bring home incase we tested positive for "covid" and we had to configure it to tether it to our phones by wifi for notifications so we could work from home (ie instructions they would give from the app they had for home workers). By the way, if you are off sick and didn't test positive for covid, you are counted as "on the sick" and don't have to work, just go on the sick?!
That was a trail in itself, didn't have a clue what they were on about when they were instructing us how to do it. Didn't help they were like "connect to your hotspot connection" ..as I have no credit on my phone, I had no hotspot connection. So made it extra complicated as I had to connect to the instructors hotspot, which was a right hassle!
BUT, I may not be technologically up to date, with a lot of the systems they have in place now, but I am shlt hot at customer service having done it since I
Well today went as much as I thought it would. My training group was mainly early 20s and a couple of early 30s people. The next oldest person down from me person was 40, the same age as my oldest son 😆.
They gave us all a laptop to bring home incase we tested positive for "covid" and we had to configure it to tether it to our phones by wifi for notifications so we could work from home (ie instructions they would give from the app they had for home workers). By the way, if you are off sick and didn't test positive for covid, you are counted as "on the sick" and don't have to work, just go on the sick?!
That was a trail in itself, didn't have a clue what they were on about when they were instructing us how to do it. Didn't help they were like "connect to your hotspot connection" ..as I have no credit on my phone, I had no hotspot connection. So made it extra complicated as I had to connect to the instructors hotspot, which was a right hassle!
BUT, I may not be technologically up to date, with a lot of the systems they have in place now, but I am shlt hot at customer service having done it since I
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Sorry, my daughter rang to ask how things went when I hadn't finished that last post I was editing, so it cut me off mid flow! Timed me out.
I was saying I have been in customer service since I was 16. My daughter sent me a beautiful text encouraging me while I was in there today, I'm so lucky she is so forgiving.
When we had a tour of the building, it was so empty, they do hybrid working now once you are past your 6 month probation. So sad to see it so empty.
I'm not there to make friends, the youngsters are so boring (but pleasant) I am not bothered about having any sort of conversation with them (although, you know, I'm polite)
I have my own agenda and I'm sticking to it. Stay sober, occupy my time, see my daughter and grandbaby more often, give my grandkids some time and treats with my new found wealth 😆. Improve my living conditions. Live the best life I can, and never come back to this god forsaken planet again 😆
I was saying I have been in customer service since I was 16. My daughter sent me a beautiful text encouraging me while I was in there today, I'm so lucky she is so forgiving.
When we had a tour of the building, it was so empty, they do hybrid working now once you are past your 6 month probation. So sad to see it so empty.
I'm not there to make friends, the youngsters are so boring (but pleasant) I am not bothered about having any sort of conversation with them (although, you know, I'm polite)
I have my own agenda and I'm sticking to it. Stay sober, occupy my time, see my daughter and grandbaby more often, give my grandkids some time and treats with my new found wealth 😆. Improve my living conditions. Live the best life I can, and never come back to this god forsaken planet again 😆
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
According to my daughter, I shouldn't be calling people boring 😆. Referring to what I said to her about the young uns at work. But I've never in all my life been into mainstream stuff!! I don't know or care why Jonny Depp and his wife are in court or were in court. I don't know who any of the so called celebrities they were talking about are!
I haven't watched TV for 30 years. And it was an endurance test to sit for 15 minutes listening to a young girl talk about how she was saving for her next round of botox and lip fillers..no kidding, this kid was 22, what wrinkles do you have to botox out at 22?
Maybe it's my anxiety that things have moved on technologically so much since I was last into this sort of work bothering me? I feel like I should make myself a dunces hat and sit in the corner after yesterday. I'm worried that being sh1t hot at customer service may not be enough😯 . The trainers were talking about all sorts of software systems I hadn't even heard of, but everyone else seemed to know.
Or maybe it's the shock of being catapulted into the world of today haha
I haven't watched TV for 30 years. And it was an endurance test to sit for 15 minutes listening to a young girl talk about how she was saving for her next round of botox and lip fillers..no kidding, this kid was 22, what wrinkles do you have to botox out at 22?
Maybe it's my anxiety that things have moved on technologically so much since I was last into this sort of work bothering me? I feel like I should make myself a dunces hat and sit in the corner after yesterday. I'm worried that being sh1t hot at customer service may not be enough😯 . The trainers were talking about all sorts of software systems I hadn't even heard of, but everyone else seemed to know.
Or maybe it's the shock of being catapulted into the world of today haha
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
If you'll forgive me, I don't think I'll be posting again on this thread. I don't want to come across as a narcissist, but apart from a few people who now and again reply, thank you fishkiller, Tailia, Hawkeye Driguy, recently, I just feel I am talking to myself.
I feel the support on this forum is meant for people in very much dire need than me. People who won't or can't help themselves, those are the people who get the full support of the majority of the community here.
Massive thanks to everyone who has posted to me. But don't think talking to myself as in posting here is doing much good.
Thank you again, to everyone who has replied once the drama of my situation calmed down.
I feel the support on this forum is meant for people in very much dire need than me. People who won't or can't help themselves, those are the people who get the full support of the majority of the community here.
Massive thanks to everyone who has posted to me. But don't think talking to myself as in posting here is doing much good.
Thank you again, to everyone who has replied once the drama of my situation calmed down.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Hi pickled. You don't come across as a narcissist at all and I think that you are perfectly fine continuing this thread. I've seen many people use the Newcomers forum as an accountability thread. Replies come and go as folks may or may not feel that they have something beneficial to share. It's all about your journey and we are certainly all rooting for you. You have an important story to tell and I hope that you continue to do so.
By the way, I think that the best customer service folks are the ones that care about what they are doing, and will go out of their way to solve a problem. You can tell very quickly when talking to them. It sounds like you fall squarely into that category (Sh1t hot! I love it!). The product expertise will come with time, but you can't teach the 'want to'.
By the way, I think that the best customer service folks are the ones that care about what they are doing, and will go out of their way to solve a problem. You can tell very quickly when talking to them. It sounds like you fall squarely into that category (Sh1t hot! I love it!). The product expertise will come with time, but you can't teach the 'want to'.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Please don't stop posting. I am getting caught up on this thread and I am really loving these postings. I have my own thread where I post about my life and its happenings. Its good to have something as a means to get all the thoughts out. A healthy tool to express yourself. You do not sound narcissistic at all. In fact, a 22 year old getting botox and whatever else is quite comical. I was laughing out loud. Also, The Johnny Depp situation is none of my business but for some reason I am reading about it while eating some popcorn! Why in the world are their marital problems on court TV? Its baffling. I do not have social media and I don't really involve myself with all the technology of the world. I I dug a hole and buried my head in it. I'm a part of the Ostrich Party. Its a non-political party and technological avoidance that I invented a few weeks ago. .......Actually, I dont think I invented this at all but I am aiming to bring it back!
I encourage you to keep posting. You have a voice and a way with words that is captivating.
Why in the world are their marital problems on court TV? Its baffling. I do not have social media and I don't really involve myself with all the technology of the world. I I dug a hole and buried my head in it. I'm a part of the Ostrich Party. Its a non-political party and technological avoidance that I invented a few weeks ago. .......Actually, I dont think I invented this at all but I am aiming to bring it back!I encourage you to keep posting. You have a voice and a way with words that is captivating.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,999
Hi Pickled,
I'm just now reading your thread and enjoying your writing and adventures and courage very much. I hope you settle into your workplace and begin to feel comfortable soon.
If you decide not to keep up your thread, you could consider posting in a month "class". I chuckled about your manicure! I would bite my nails horribly when drinking. I'm now trying to attend to the damage. Little things can feel like progress along the way.
I'm just now reading your thread and enjoying your writing and adventures and courage very much. I hope you settle into your workplace and begin to feel comfortable soon.
If you decide not to keep up your thread, you could consider posting in a month "class". I chuckled about your manicure! I would bite my nails horribly when drinking. I'm now trying to attend to the damage. Little things can feel like progress along the way.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
