Feel like I died
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Congrats on your sober time - well done!
If you can hold on to this and live it, you stand a great chance of recovery. From now on drink is not an option!
Stay close and keep up the good work. All the best, Forwards.
Originally Posted by pickled1 
No denial of the problem. No denial or minimising the carnage of the past. No more playing silly games with silly excuses of why I "must" have a drink, no more bargaining or arguing with the AV.
That life is over for good
That life is over for good
Stay close and keep up the good work. All the best, Forwards.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Yes fishkiller, I keep telling myself that, it's just one interview!! Even though I really really really want this job!!
But if I don't get passed onto the next stage, it's not the end of the world. If I can't pass the interview I probably couldn't have done the job anyway, huh? If nothing else, it'll be practice as I haven't had an interview in 10 years. I bet I won't sleep tonight either. The job is with an energy company and one of the questions is "what has caused the energy crisis in Europe and the UK especially" I have practically written an essay..Ill never remember it all, I'll have to find a place to put it so I can sneakily read it while Im on the zoom call. AND they probably only want a one sentence answer, but my brain isn't capable of condensing information yet
Thanks for the advice and encouragement Forwards, much appreciated! I do aim to stick with it
But if I don't get passed onto the next stage, it's not the end of the world. If I can't pass the interview I probably couldn't have done the job anyway, huh? If nothing else, it'll be practice as I haven't had an interview in 10 years. I bet I won't sleep tonight either. The job is with an energy company and one of the questions is "what has caused the energy crisis in Europe and the UK especially" I have practically written an essay..Ill never remember it all, I'll have to find a place to put it so I can sneakily read it while Im on the zoom call. AND they probably only want a one sentence answer, but my brain isn't capable of condensing information yet
Thanks for the advice and encouragement Forwards, much appreciated! I do aim to stick with it
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Thanks Robbie. I've totally given up on sleep. The odd half hour I get here and there are filled with such horrible vivid imagery, I think I'd rather stay awake anyway!
Interview in a couple of hours, I'm a nervous wreck. It doesn't help we have to do it by video call and I look about 106. Alcohol does nothing for the skin.
Funnily enough, usually when I stress out about something a drink craving will instantly kick in, but it hasn't. And funnily again, usually, after this much time off the drink ..12th day..I am starting to have euphoric recall and forget about the downside. But I remember the downside in technicolour this time and can bring to mind every nasty last thing about drinking. Even to the point of feeling physically sick when I think about the times I would only "come to" day or nigh to gulp some more and pass out again. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of ever going back there again. I'm scared of alcohol!!
Interview in a couple of hours, I'm a nervous wreck. It doesn't help we have to do it by video call and I look about 106. Alcohol does nothing for the skin.
Funnily enough, usually when I stress out about something a drink craving will instantly kick in, but it hasn't. And funnily again, usually, after this much time off the drink ..12th day..I am starting to have euphoric recall and forget about the downside. But I remember the downside in technicolour this time and can bring to mind every nasty last thing about drinking. Even to the point of feeling physically sick when I think about the times I would only "come to" day or nigh to gulp some more and pass out again. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED of ever going back there again. I'm scared of alcohol!!
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Belated thanks Dee.
I thought that was the second round of interview proccess, but apparently it was the last and manager just phoned and offered me the job ...wow!! Whoo Hoo!!
Things never drop into place for me like this..ever!!! I feel I have a chance at a life now, can't believe this has come straight after my epiphany with the drink.
I can't believe it.
I thought that was the second round of interview proccess, but apparently it was the last and manager just phoned and offered me the job ...wow!! Whoo Hoo!!
Things never drop into place for me like this..ever!!! I feel I have a chance at a life now, can't believe this has come straight after my epiphany with the drink.
I can't believe it.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
The fear and trepidation of what is ahead is kicking in. But strangely enough not any urge to drink it away. I hope I stay like this, deathly afraid of that poison, deathly afraid of being sucked back into that non-life.
The fear of the future, now I think about it, because I think better when I "write" things down, is not half as scary as the memories of the past and the drowning in drink. It's the most awful feeling in the world, floundering about helpless, can't think, can't function, can't look after yourself, can't even see or walk straight at times, more helpless than a baby.
No, I need to pull myself together because whatever the next few weeks hold, won't be as bad as that.
The fear of the future, now I think about it, because I think better when I "write" things down, is not half as scary as the memories of the past and the drowning in drink. It's the most awful feeling in the world, floundering about helpless, can't think, can't function, can't look after yourself, can't even see or walk straight at times, more helpless than a baby.
No, I need to pull myself together because whatever the next few weeks hold, won't be as bad as that.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
The belief is really the first ingredient in any transformation. In your case, and all of us here, the belief is that you can live a better life sober, get back to who you were before we started this wild descent into alcohol dependence. What got to me was an alarmingly bad blood test that showed my liver enzymes were way, way out of bounds and my doctor telling me I was killing myself. Kudos to you for coming to that realization on your own. From reading here I developed a plan, the tools that would keep me on the straight path. Daily exercise, practicing gratitude, and eliminating negative self talk, negative thinking. Someone here had a link to an article from the Mayo Clinic. I don’t have the link but if you Google “negative thinking, Mayo Clinic” it comes right up. Good luck and I am rooting for you!
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Thanks for the advice Tailia, I intend to heed it. I'll look up that Mayo Clinic link too, need all the help I can get.
I think what seems to be at the bottom of everyone coming to the point of saying "no more" is fear. That is the point of the emotion isn't it? To protect us from things that are harmful.
With me, it's when that fear malfunctions and starts leaking into things where there is no danger and holds you back from getting to where you want to be.
That's the thing with alcohol, it generates fear and it's not always directed where it should be, towards drinking, it spreads like a cancer into your whole life.
Thank you too Dee..I'm delighted about the job, but now my wimpy self is coming to the fore ground lol
My state benefits will be stopped immediately I start and Ill have no money for a month until the first wage and will have to explain to my landlady why there is no rent for a month and she is a dragon. Ill have to bum money off of people for bus fares and food (although that didn't bother me when I was bumming for drink money). It will take a couple of months to get stabilised money wise.
Can I do the job? I haven't worked for 10 years and don't know what damage I have done to my cognitive functions and if I will still be able to pick up things quickly learning wise.
I also worry that it's quite a young company and I am knocking 60. I look every inch my age and more (thanks to a beauty regime of booze and cigs. Will people be wondering why Methuselah (from the bible, over 900 years old) is wondering around the place?
My kids were very pleased when I told them about the job and were saying it'll do me good to get out of the house and have some purpose, they were very happy. But my bloody mother has an instinct for pecking at the sorest points. First thing she said when I told her "Do you think you will stick it?" Second thing..while scoffing "Getting a job..at YOUR age" So it sort of set me off that my concerns are justified.
I have a little money at this moment and I could buy drink if I wanted to, to dampen down the anxiety, it's what I've done for the last 20 years. But now theres this bigger part of me, don't even know where it has come from, saying no, you've tried that over and over and over and over and look where it got you. Try a different way.
I think what seems to be at the bottom of everyone coming to the point of saying "no more" is fear. That is the point of the emotion isn't it? To protect us from things that are harmful.
With me, it's when that fear malfunctions and starts leaking into things where there is no danger and holds you back from getting to where you want to be.
That's the thing with alcohol, it generates fear and it's not always directed where it should be, towards drinking, it spreads like a cancer into your whole life.
Thank you too Dee..I'm delighted about the job, but now my wimpy self is coming to the fore ground lol
My state benefits will be stopped immediately I start and Ill have no money for a month until the first wage and will have to explain to my landlady why there is no rent for a month and she is a dragon. Ill have to bum money off of people for bus fares and food (although that didn't bother me when I was bumming for drink money). It will take a couple of months to get stabilised money wise.
Can I do the job? I haven't worked for 10 years and don't know what damage I have done to my cognitive functions and if I will still be able to pick up things quickly learning wise.
I also worry that it's quite a young company and I am knocking 60. I look every inch my age and more (thanks to a beauty regime of booze and cigs. Will people be wondering why Methuselah (from the bible, over 900 years old) is wondering around the place?
My kids were very pleased when I told them about the job and were saying it'll do me good to get out of the house and have some purpose, they were very happy. But my bloody mother has an instinct for pecking at the sorest points. First thing she said when I told her "Do you think you will stick it?" Second thing..while scoffing "Getting a job..at YOUR age" So it sort of set me off that my concerns are justified.
I have a little money at this moment and I could buy drink if I wanted to, to dampen down the anxiety, it's what I've done for the last 20 years. But now theres this bigger part of me, don't even know where it has come from, saying no, you've tried that over and over and over and over and look where it got you. Try a different way.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
Yes, fear is at the root of many seemingly unexplainable behaviors.
As for your new job, there’s a great quote from the late comedian Gary Shandling, who was a very insightful guy who felt things very deeply, that I think applies. You control your life. No one else. Only you can exert pressure on yourself. Stand for what you feel and believe. Don’t allow anyone to judge you.
As for your new job, there’s a great quote from the late comedian Gary Shandling, who was a very insightful guy who felt things very deeply, that I think applies. You control your life. No one else. Only you can exert pressure on yourself. Stand for what you feel and believe. Don’t allow anyone to judge you.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,165
I understand fear all too well.
Most of it is made up in our heads for some reason. Most of it, for me anyway, is unfounded.
I am still working on that and the judgement thing. I worry too much about what others think.
You will do fine at the new job.
Us older folks can show the youngens a thing or 2.
Quitting drinking now will be the best decision you could make.
Work on the other stuff later.
First we need to break the drinking routine. Get through some things we would normally drink at before sober.
Rewire the brain towards alcohol.
My brain Knows I Do Not Drink Anymore.
The AV is still hopeful, persistent fool, but he doesn't stand a chance against the Real fish.
The real fish is here to stay.
You will be pickled no more.
It's a MUCH better life
Most of it is made up in our heads for some reason. Most of it, for me anyway, is unfounded.
I am still working on that and the judgement thing. I worry too much about what others think.
You will do fine at the new job.
Us older folks can show the youngens a thing or 2.
Quitting drinking now will be the best decision you could make.
Work on the other stuff later.
First we need to break the drinking routine. Get through some things we would normally drink at before sober.
Rewire the brain towards alcohol.
My brain Knows I Do Not Drink Anymore.
The AV is still hopeful, persistent fool, but he doesn't stand a chance against the Real fish.
The real fish is here to stay.
You will be pickled no more.
It's a MUCH better life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Hello Tailia, I read that Mayo negative thinking article and it was interesting. I do do that! It said in one point that you filter out the good that has been achieved that day and just concentrate on the bad. I am especially good at doing that. I chewed all last night on how old I will feel working in this place, what my mother said about sticking it and the hassles I will have with money.
I totally didn't think of how much I wanted this job, what a change it would make to my life. How euphoric I felt when he said I had it and that he said the recruitment team were very impressed with me. I am like a black hole sucking out the joy in everything (negative self talk again again lol).
That quote you gave there. I think it is me that judges myself the harshest. Probably because in the past I have judged other people pretty harshly (all rebounds back onto yourself). I don't judge anyone now. When I have been getting my drink, in the past, there have been times I have been up that shop in a right state. Unwashed, same clothes on for days, probably stinking, staggering around, bag ladies have had more grace than me. But although of course there were people who looked down upon me and sneered and felt superior, there were a heck of a lot who were very kind to me (even to the point of counting out my money for me or helping me down the street when I was especially hammered).
Before I started drinking problematically, I couldn't give a hoot what anyone thought of me. And I judged other people harshly.
There is nothing like a stint as an alcoholic to bring you down a peg or two.
But I think I went a bit too far and let it rob me of every ounce of self confidence and self respect. Thinking positively, it might be fun rebuilding those ...but without the arrogance
I'm going to give this positive thinking a go. I have stopped the actual beating myself up, but I do still totally concentrate on the dark side of things and not the lighter.
I totally didn't think of how much I wanted this job, what a change it would make to my life. How euphoric I felt when he said I had it and that he said the recruitment team were very impressed with me. I am like a black hole sucking out the joy in everything (negative self talk again again lol).
That quote you gave there. I think it is me that judges myself the harshest. Probably because in the past I have judged other people pretty harshly (all rebounds back onto yourself). I don't judge anyone now. When I have been getting my drink, in the past, there have been times I have been up that shop in a right state. Unwashed, same clothes on for days, probably stinking, staggering around, bag ladies have had more grace than me. But although of course there were people who looked down upon me and sneered and felt superior, there were a heck of a lot who were very kind to me (even to the point of counting out my money for me or helping me down the street when I was especially hammered).
Before I started drinking problematically, I couldn't give a hoot what anyone thought of me. And I judged other people harshly.
There is nothing like a stint as an alcoholic to bring you down a peg or two.
But I think I went a bit too far and let it rob me of every ounce of self confidence and self respect. Thinking positively, it might be fun rebuilding those ...but without the arrogance
I'm going to give this positive thinking a go. I have stopped the actual beating myself up, but I do still totally concentrate on the dark side of things and not the lighter.
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Hello fishkiller, your post made me smile. Yes, we oldies will show them how it's done lol. I worked at this place Im going back to when it was a smaller company under a different name, this big international company took it over and merged it with others. But, when I first worked there, a lot of the workforce there now weren't even born lol.
The fear thing, I think it has become a habit now, because I have been fearful with the effects of the alcohol for so long it has become my default setting.
I hear you about one thing at a time. If I think about everything at once, it just threatens to overwhelm me.
Ah yes, the AV. It hasn't been out in force. But there have been a few niggling thoughts of "you would normally drink over this, just to take the edge off" But at this stage I'm just incredulous and think "Are you f>cking insane??"
Yes! Pickled no more! I'm a little onion drying out on the windowsill of life.
The fear thing, I think it has become a habit now, because I have been fearful with the effects of the alcohol for so long it has become my default setting.
I hear you about one thing at a time. If I think about everything at once, it just threatens to overwhelm me.
Ah yes, the AV. It hasn't been out in force. But there have been a few niggling thoughts of "you would normally drink over this, just to take the edge off" But at this stage I'm just incredulous and think "Are you f>cking insane??"
Yes! Pickled no more! I'm a little onion drying out on the windowsill of life.
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