Feel like I died
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by pickled1 
Yes, denial all gone.
I'm on day 8. Had a bad 7 days there. Just me and my withdrawals. Think I had a seizure in my sleep too. Maybe it rewired my brain.
All I know is, that old me feels dead now.
No denial of the problem. No denial or minimising the carnage of the past. No more playing silly games with silly excuses of why I "must" have a drink, no more bargaining or arguing with the AV.
That life is over for good
I realise, I don't have to keep doing that horrible stuff to myself anymore.
I feel very small in a big world. But not in a bad way
I'm on day 8. Had a bad 7 days there. Just me and my withdrawals. Think I had a seizure in my sleep too. Maybe it rewired my brain.
All I know is, that old me feels dead now.
No denial of the problem. No denial or minimising the carnage of the past. No more playing silly games with silly excuses of why I "must" have a drink, no more bargaining or arguing with the AV.
That life is over for good
I realise, I don't have to keep doing that horrible stuff to myself anymore.
I feel very small in a big world. But not in a bad way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
I'm on day 12 now... didn't think it could be done! It's amazing how much faster the days go by when you are not in the "land where time stood still" of withdrawal.
You will do it, then in a few years we can say we quit drinking the same month 🙂
You will do it, then in a few years we can say we quit drinking the same month 🙂
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Feeling happy and hopeful today. I'll muddle through with the money situation until it sorts itself out.
Two of my grown kids live in other towns and my daughter has a toddler, she's invited me up to visit next week because after I start the 8 weeks training at this job you are not allowed holidays, so won't see them for a while..really looking forward to it. She has suddenly upped the video calls to me in the past days so I think she is checking I am not drinking. I can drink a hell of a lot and still sound sober on the phone, but she said when I drink even a little I get a wonky face.
I'm trying to get my disorganised pig sty of a house in order. It's quite overwhelming truth be told. But, to me, it's another step towards the self respect thing. When I've gone on AA zoom meetings I always noticed how people who have had a long time off the drink have lovely looking neat tidy comfortable looking homes. And I always thought I wished my house was like that. Now I can make it like that, not going to be easy, but first stage is to tidy and clean it. Then when the money situation is sorted out, I will buy some paint and wallpaper and decorate. I may even have enough cash for some nice pictures and cushions, even some better furniture (second hand). It's something to aim for anyway.
I am working my way through sorting out all my clothes too. I have a lot stuffed in bin liners because I couldn't be bothered to hang them in the wardrobe and put them in the drawers. I basically have been living in a few pairs of horrible jogging pants and jumpers.
So, dragging them all out, washing and ironing them and putting them away properly. I want to be one of those very neat, well turned out people. I am sick of being the local bag lady!
And I will get myself a nice haircut, instead of doing myself, drunk, when I think I am Vidal Sassoon.
Years and years ago I went to some AA meetings (not because I thought I was alcoholic...just incase I BECAME one). There were a couple of elderly men used to turn up in suits. I used to wonder why they would turn up in suits to sit in a meeting. I think I understand better now, it's about self care and self respect.
So my aim for the next few months is to transform myself from this scruffy little bag lady into someone who looks like she has a bit of self-worth. And my other aim is to do the best I can with this new job, keep my head down and earn some money and transform my hovel. Work and decorating at weekends should keep me out of trouble. An added plus will be I will be able to invite family over for Sunday dinner too for 1 because I will let people in a house I'm not ashamed of (I keep people out at all costs at the moment). And 2 I will have enough money to make them a meal, as it is on the dole, it's barely enough to feed yourself, even without the drinking.
Oh yes and important, pay off my debts. I have been such a burden constantly borrowing from people, literally begging them to lend me money (it all went on drink).
Lets see how far I can get myself towards these goals in the next 3 months
Two of my grown kids live in other towns and my daughter has a toddler, she's invited me up to visit next week because after I start the 8 weeks training at this job you are not allowed holidays, so won't see them for a while..really looking forward to it. She has suddenly upped the video calls to me in the past days so I think she is checking I am not drinking. I can drink a hell of a lot and still sound sober on the phone, but she said when I drink even a little I get a wonky face.
I'm trying to get my disorganised pig sty of a house in order. It's quite overwhelming truth be told. But, to me, it's another step towards the self respect thing. When I've gone on AA zoom meetings I always noticed how people who have had a long time off the drink have lovely looking neat tidy comfortable looking homes. And I always thought I wished my house was like that. Now I can make it like that, not going to be easy, but first stage is to tidy and clean it. Then when the money situation is sorted out, I will buy some paint and wallpaper and decorate. I may even have enough cash for some nice pictures and cushions, even some better furniture (second hand). It's something to aim for anyway.
I am working my way through sorting out all my clothes too. I have a lot stuffed in bin liners because I couldn't be bothered to hang them in the wardrobe and put them in the drawers. I basically have been living in a few pairs of horrible jogging pants and jumpers.
So, dragging them all out, washing and ironing them and putting them away properly. I want to be one of those very neat, well turned out people. I am sick of being the local bag lady!
And I will get myself a nice haircut, instead of doing myself, drunk, when I think I am Vidal Sassoon.
Years and years ago I went to some AA meetings (not because I thought I was alcoholic...just incase I BECAME one). There were a couple of elderly men used to turn up in suits. I used to wonder why they would turn up in suits to sit in a meeting. I think I understand better now, it's about self care and self respect.
So my aim for the next few months is to transform myself from this scruffy little bag lady into someone who looks like she has a bit of self-worth. And my other aim is to do the best I can with this new job, keep my head down and earn some money and transform my hovel. Work and decorating at weekends should keep me out of trouble. An added plus will be I will be able to invite family over for Sunday dinner too for 1 because I will let people in a house I'm not ashamed of (I keep people out at all costs at the moment). And 2 I will have enough money to make them a meal, as it is on the dole, it's barely enough to feed yourself, even without the drinking.
Oh yes and important, pay off my debts. I have been such a burden constantly borrowing from people, literally begging them to lend me money (it all went on drink).
Lets see how far I can get myself towards these goals in the next 3 months
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Im aiming for it fishkiller, it just got embarrassing to be me. The number of times people said "look at the STATE of you" I would look at people and wish I was them, wish I was anybody but me . Pathetic me. Horrible, horrible, never want to go back there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since I last drank. My head isn't going mad. I'm not dwelling on the past which is a miracle in itself because that's usually why I start drinking again (well that's my excuse anyway).
At the risk of sounding like a complete nut job, I want to write this down so I don't forget.
Let me start by saying I'm not religious at all. I don't know if God exists or not. But on the last day of drinking, I begged the creator (if there was one) to help me. Begged.
I stopped drinking halfway through the day, for once not because I ran out of money or was too sick to keep anymore down, just because I didn't want to.
I kept hold of this connection (imaginary or not) all through my horrendous withdrawals.
Nearing the end of the withdrawals, after about 5 days, I was scared that as soon as I felt better, I would be putting myself through this all again, like I usually do.
Then I remembered someone at AA years and years ago had said they had prayed to St Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes. And I saw myself as a hopeless cause. So I prayed to St Jude and asked him for change, for rescue, for a different life.
The same day, a recruitment manager rang from a firm I had applied to on the internet while I was half-cut. I had forgotten about it. The thing is, I have been trying to get a job for the last 10 years (don't think I could actually have managed to stick to one with the drinking, but tried). What held me back in the beginning was lack of references. Then lack of references and being out of the job market so long.
Anyway, started to pray to St Jude about this job, because that seemed a hopeless task.
As it happened, after the phone interview I had a video interview with this woman manager, I still wasn't very well with the back end of the withdrawals so I went on and said I had the flu but would go ahead with the meeting. She said no and arranged just another phone interview with another manager called Mark.
When he rang, we got on like a house on fire. He said references didn't matter as I knew a lot about the job and he understood about being out of the job market for a long time.
I passed that interview and had one more video interview to do with the training people. Mark said he didn't do it for everyone, but he sent me the questions they were going to ask so I could have the answers prepared!
When he rang back to say they were impressed and offered me the job, he said I needed 2 forms of ID before he would send the contract. But I haven't got any official forms of ID. My passport is out of date, my birth certificate has crumbled with age and I don't have a drivers licence and I don't get paper household bills.
He said, it doesn't matter, we'll get around that and sent the contract anyway.
As crazy as it sounds, I do think the St Jude prayers worked 😶
Now I thank him every day. I really think my prayers were answered right down to lifting the obsession with past mistakes and self recrimination which always lead back to drinking. And I haven't had any serious urges to drink.
I sound like a crazy person even to myself...but on the other hand...
At the risk of sounding like a complete nut job, I want to write this down so I don't forget.
Let me start by saying I'm not religious at all. I don't know if God exists or not. But on the last day of drinking, I begged the creator (if there was one) to help me. Begged.
I stopped drinking halfway through the day, for once not because I ran out of money or was too sick to keep anymore down, just because I didn't want to.
I kept hold of this connection (imaginary or not) all through my horrendous withdrawals.
Nearing the end of the withdrawals, after about 5 days, I was scared that as soon as I felt better, I would be putting myself through this all again, like I usually do.
Then I remembered someone at AA years and years ago had said they had prayed to St Jude, the patron saint of hopeless causes. And I saw myself as a hopeless cause. So I prayed to St Jude and asked him for change, for rescue, for a different life.
The same day, a recruitment manager rang from a firm I had applied to on the internet while I was half-cut. I had forgotten about it. The thing is, I have been trying to get a job for the last 10 years (don't think I could actually have managed to stick to one with the drinking, but tried). What held me back in the beginning was lack of references. Then lack of references and being out of the job market so long.
Anyway, started to pray to St Jude about this job, because that seemed a hopeless task.
As it happened, after the phone interview I had a video interview with this woman manager, I still wasn't very well with the back end of the withdrawals so I went on and said I had the flu but would go ahead with the meeting. She said no and arranged just another phone interview with another manager called Mark.
When he rang, we got on like a house on fire. He said references didn't matter as I knew a lot about the job and he understood about being out of the job market for a long time.
I passed that interview and had one more video interview to do with the training people. Mark said he didn't do it for everyone, but he sent me the questions they were going to ask so I could have the answers prepared!
When he rang back to say they were impressed and offered me the job, he said I needed 2 forms of ID before he would send the contract. But I haven't got any official forms of ID. My passport is out of date, my birth certificate has crumbled with age and I don't have a drivers licence and I don't get paper household bills.
He said, it doesn't matter, we'll get around that and sent the contract anyway.
As crazy as it sounds, I do think the St Jude prayers worked 😶
Now I thank him every day. I really think my prayers were answered right down to lifting the obsession with past mistakes and self recrimination which always lead back to drinking. And I haven't had any serious urges to drink.
I sound like a crazy person even to myself...but on the other hand...
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
You have lots of great insights — thank you for everything you've shared. You've articulated some things that were true for me too but that I never had put words to. Congrats on two weeks and the new job, I'm excited for the good things coming your way!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
What a cool experience. I choose to believe something very meaningful happened there. Not everything can be explained. When my father had a heart attack I got a frantic call at my office. When I arrived at his house the police told me he didn’t make it. After the shiva I went back to our office (we were partners) and sitting on my clean desk was one thing - his mechanical pencil. I also don’t practice religion to any real extent but I choose to believe he was saying good bye.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Thanks Dee 🙂
Thank you too Fantail, that's very kind of you to say🙂 . I'm very good at thinking about stuff, not so good at taking action, I mean the PAST me. Excited and nervous in equal measures about the job 😆
Hello Tailia, yes I can't deny there were quite a few coincidences there with me at the end..and I do feel totally different than I did before.
So sorry to read about your father, must have been a horrible shock. I do TOTALLY believe that when people pass over they can send signs to communicate. Lots of people have told me about their experiences and inexplicable things happening when they have lost someone they loved. It sounds to me like it was a goodbye, for now.
Thank you too Fantail, that's very kind of you to say🙂 . I'm very good at thinking about stuff, not so good at taking action, I mean the PAST me. Excited and nervous in equal measures about the job 😆
Hello Tailia, yes I can't deny there were quite a few coincidences there with me at the end..and I do feel totally different than I did before.
So sorry to read about your father, must have been a horrible shock. I do TOTALLY believe that when people pass over they can send signs to communicate. Lots of people have told me about their experiences and inexplicable things happening when they have lost someone they loved. It sounds to me like it was a goodbye, for now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 440
Originally Posted by Reluctant
I hope to be on day 8 soon, but only day 2 so far, so well done!
anywyas, on my Garmin watch I developed an app, that shows how many days/hours I've been sober. Right now it's wrong, I need to re-initialize the source code to make it right. It says 93 days, as I haven't reconfigured it.... oh well..... 93 days, that's just 3 months... well....#include "stupid.h"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
Getting packed for my trip tomorrow. I managed to do a ton of washing. When I get back on Thursday, it will be late and Friday I have to go to the work place and have a "mingle" few hours, to get to know the people who will be in the training class with me (free lunch too..yey). I already have my "office clothes" ready so I won't be getting in a tizz trying to do that Thursday night.
The train I booked a ticket for tomorrow, has been cancelled, the app said just get on the next available train to York with that trainline, my app isn't working properly so I can't find the next available train to York, with that trainline, so I am just going to go to the station and jump on any train I find going to York and plead ignorance if a conductor pulls me up.
I have spent most of my time these past few years not worrying or giving a crap about anything, because I have been drunk and the rest of the time in withdrawal and anxious and worried about everything.
So I have come to a balance. I'll worry if and when needs be and not go looking for things to worry about.
While I'm on the subject of worry, the money worry has worked itself out. My DIL and mother have offered to loan me money to live on until I get paid the end of June.
I've got a new technique to cope with anxiety. When the thoughts come up of what could go wrong, I cut them off by telling myself everything will be fine. And just repeat "it'll be fine" so there is no room for any other thought.
Like with telling the landlady about how late the rent will be. It'll be fine and if it's not I'll get another place because I am no longer DSS and therefore not a leper to rent to anymore! Those are not my words, that is what it says in most places to rent "no DSS" ie people on the dole.
Can't wait to see my daughter and granddaughter, haven't seen them for a couple of months. Have been with a couple of my grandsons today. Boisterous is an understatement, could never have coped if I had been in withdrawals, or even just hung over. They have my first months wages spent, a trip to the bowling alley with a hot dog thrown in, no less.
The train I booked a ticket for tomorrow, has been cancelled, the app said just get on the next available train to York with that trainline, my app isn't working properly so I can't find the next available train to York, with that trainline, so I am just going to go to the station and jump on any train I find going to York and plead ignorance if a conductor pulls me up.
I have spent most of my time these past few years not worrying or giving a crap about anything, because I have been drunk and the rest of the time in withdrawal and anxious and worried about everything.
So I have come to a balance. I'll worry if and when needs be and not go looking for things to worry about.
While I'm on the subject of worry, the money worry has worked itself out. My DIL and mother have offered to loan me money to live on until I get paid the end of June.
I've got a new technique to cope with anxiety. When the thoughts come up of what could go wrong, I cut them off by telling myself everything will be fine. And just repeat "it'll be fine" so there is no room for any other thought.
Like with telling the landlady about how late the rent will be. It'll be fine and if it's not I'll get another place because I am no longer DSS and therefore not a leper to rent to anymore! Those are not my words, that is what it says in most places to rent "no DSS" ie people on the dole.
Can't wait to see my daughter and granddaughter, haven't seen them for a couple of months. Have been with a couple of my grandsons today. Boisterous is an understatement, could never have coped if I had been in withdrawals, or even just hung over. They have my first months wages spent, a trip to the bowling alley with a hot dog thrown in, no less.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
I've been up since 4am. I've been getting up at 4am for the last few mornings, so my sleep has improved! I get about 4 hours a night which is good to what it has been. And those horrible grotesque images have gone out of my dreams. I often wondered where your mind congers those up from? Maybe I could be a horror story writer in my spare time?
I can't believe how much has changed in the 2 weeks since I last drank. I know how fast things can change for the worst after even one drinking session, but forgot, things can also change for the better when not drinking. Amazing how you grow accustomed to living in the dark world drink creates for you. I don't mean you like it, just grow accustomed to one crisis after another. But it wears you down and sucks the life force out of you, so living becomes a super human challenge. Living without any light. It's heavy, oppressive and joyless.
Drink is now my bogey man. And I want to keep it that way. We were all afraid of the bogey man as kids, you certainly didn't go seek him out to relax you, de-stress you or run to him for comfort, that is me and drink now 😆
I probably won't be able to get on here for the next few days, but there is zero chance of me drinking. For one because I don't want to. And two I would not DARE drink around my daughter in her house,she can spot it 20 miles off when I have even had a couple.
I can't believe how much has changed in the 2 weeks since I last drank. I know how fast things can change for the worst after even one drinking session, but forgot, things can also change for the better when not drinking. Amazing how you grow accustomed to living in the dark world drink creates for you. I don't mean you like it, just grow accustomed to one crisis after another. But it wears you down and sucks the life force out of you, so living becomes a super human challenge. Living without any light. It's heavy, oppressive and joyless.
Drink is now my bogey man. And I want to keep it that way. We were all afraid of the bogey man as kids, you certainly didn't go seek him out to relax you, de-stress you or run to him for comfort, that is me and drink now 😆
I probably won't be able to get on here for the next few days, but there is zero chance of me drinking. For one because I don't want to. And two I would not DARE drink around my daughter in her house,she can spot it 20 miles off when I have even had a couple.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
I'm on the train. Better still I'm on the internet on the train. First time in 6 years I've actually figured out how to connect to this trainlines internet! The journey is pretty boring, not very scenic
No problems with the tickets.
I actually feel a bit of a fraud because today a few people have mentioned my lack of drunkenness the last couple of weeks. And praised me for stopping.
But I don't think that's right. Because I haven't found it any hardship after the withdrawal died down. And I am still doing what I want, just now I want not to drink instead of wanting to drink!
No problems with the tickets.
I actually feel a bit of a fraud because today a few people have mentioned my lack of drunkenness the last couple of weeks. And praised me for stopping.
But I don't think that's right. Because I haven't found it any hardship after the withdrawal died down. And I am still doing what I want, just now I want not to drink instead of wanting to drink!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,165
Have a great trip!
You are not a fraud. You are a fighter.
The strength it took to stop is no small thing.
You may find it not so hard now, I was and still am the same way, but there is incredible strength enabling that feeling.
You are not a fraud. You are a fighter.
The strength it took to stop is no small thing.
You may find it not so hard now, I was and still am the same way, but there is incredible strength enabling that feeling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 74
That made me feel a lot better fishkiller, thanks.
I'm at my daughters still, going home Thursday.
Had two strokes of luck.
One the woman from the dole rang and said they would pay for my first month's bus pass to work (£50)
Second council tax were threatening to take me to court for April and Mays installments, I rang up to go mad, because May is not even over yet and the amount is £17 which they would add court costs to.
The woman on the phone informed me the government were giving £170 refund back to every household. I didn't know this, so she told me how to apply.
Should get it in a few weeks
Also work emailed and said we would get paid a full day's pay for the 4 hour "mingle" on Friday.
So money not such a huge worry now.
Still not the slightest desire to drink.
Years ago I was with a man who had years off the drink after being an extremely heavy drinker for years. I was trying to come off it at the time.
If I gave in and drank but made the excuse I hadn't had much, or had gone a time on a sober streak, he would say "that doesn't matter, you drank because you still think it has something for you" I didn't know what he was talking about at the time. I just saw that I hadn't drank at times, when I could have.
I know now. I can honestly say, hand on heart, I no longer think drink holds anything for me...at all.
I'm at my daughters still, going home Thursday.
Had two strokes of luck.
One the woman from the dole rang and said they would pay for my first month's bus pass to work (£50)
Second council tax were threatening to take me to court for April and Mays installments, I rang up to go mad, because May is not even over yet and the amount is £17 which they would add court costs to.
The woman on the phone informed me the government were giving £170 refund back to every household. I didn't know this, so she told me how to apply.
Should get it in a few weeks
Also work emailed and said we would get paid a full day's pay for the 4 hour "mingle" on Friday.
So money not such a huge worry now.
Still not the slightest desire to drink.
Years ago I was with a man who had years off the drink after being an extremely heavy drinker for years. I was trying to come off it at the time.
If I gave in and drank but made the excuse I hadn't had much, or had gone a time on a sober streak, he would say "that doesn't matter, you drank because you still think it has something for you" I didn't know what he was talking about at the time. I just saw that I hadn't drank at times, when I could have.
I know now. I can honestly say, hand on heart, I no longer think drink holds anything for me...at all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
