Surrendered19

Don't be scared about tomorrow Pekelover and check in as often as you need to. That is what SR is for. And in a way, by checking in and seeking support, you DO help others. It gets us all talking with each other and there is healing in that for everyone involved in the conversation.

The fact that you are thinking about it and checking in bodes well for tomorrow. Stay sober and enjoy your holiday.

Pekelover2

Thanks Surrendered. I’ll enjoy tomorrow 🦃💕

Pekelover2

I made it! Whew! It’s a little after 11pm.
Why is it that the hours from 6p-11p are so challenging?
I’m grateful that I’ll wake up sober tomorrow.😊💕

Dee74

Good going pekelover

D

Hodd

They certainly are/were/are.

I love your exercise routines. Surely that must keep you sober? You’re motivating me to get back into it after a few weeks off. I have a mini swim/run event this coming weekend, and I’m out of condition, but hey when your sober, these things become doable.

Free2bme888

How are you doing?

slipnslide

Good job this weekend!!

MaxVano

Isn't great not to be hung over in the morning? I used to come-to, not wake up. I didn't sleep, I passed out. You can do this!
Max

Pekelover2

We celebrated our Thanksgiving on Sunday. I got up early and rode my bike for about twenty-five miles (despite a massive downpour!) I was so pumped!!
Dinner was lovely.
But last night (Monday) was awful.
I don’t know what happened. I’m so hungover/sick/ill today. I might not drink often. But boy when I do, I can drink a lot. I’m a petite female. I even shocked at myself last night. Almost two bottles of wine. How lovely.

I’m so sad and so disappointed right now. I’ve hurt my husband again. I drank right under his nose. (I spiked my Crystal Light with wine). Before he caught onto me, it was too late. I had blacked out.

Why don’t I love myself enough to quit drinking???

My life is amazing. Why do I have to cause this drama??

I’m so tired of lying. Even my bfs don’t know that I drink. (I only drink at home).

I’m 52 years old. I know better.

I hate myself. I hate myself.

Dee74

hi pekelover
Hate the addiction, don't hate yourself.

I remember that I would stay sober for a while and then, often without any fight whatsoever, would start drinking again.

Its in those moments we have to reach out for help.

It may not feel very comfortable doing that, and it definitely will be uncomfortable not giving your addiction what it wants...but it's the real heart of recovery - the will to expend effort and bring about change

Our actions have to reflect our desire to be sober.

Do you think maybe you need to add some more tools to help you stay sober?

D

DriGuy

For the most part, I have found these "why" questions to be distractions. You may actually wonder why, but they avoid dealing with the actions you must take, and as you keep drinking, cravings keep getting stronger year by hear. You past successes don't seem to happen as easily anymore. And it will continue to get harder. You must commit to never drinking again.

Loving yourself or not doesn't make much difference, you body is conditioned to needing alcohol to fix the pain caused by the alcohol. I'm not trying to wax poetic right now; There is a biological change taking place.

Plain and simple, it's because you drink. Stop and the drama goes away, unless you are a drama junkie, but that would be something else to deal with.

I get that, but it's not helpful. When I was where you are, I hated myself too, but the much bigger emotion was the fear that I was losing my mind and behaving in sorts of bizarre ways that people were noticing. When I quit, I got my mind back, and I stopped being so stupid. Well, at least a lot less stupid.

You have to stop drinking. Don't ask why. Just stop and you will get your life back. That's where all your energy and focus should go.

VikingGF

So you got through the day you feared the most and THEN you drank. Classic me! The times I slipped really did come out of the blue, but I guess there were signs if I think about it hard enough. That's why the plan is SO important. A plan for every minute until the urge goes away. Dee is right, it's time to think about what else you can do, and of course, reach out here BEFORE you take a sip of anything. Learning to ask for help and being vulnerable was a big turning point for many of us. It's evident from your posts that you like to be in control, and control issues are common in all of us- you control what you've eaten by exercising to compensate, you concern yourself with whether your husband will be drinking. One thing you can also control? Not drinking. Face your sobriety the way you do your exercise, have the same self-discipline when it comes to staying off alcohol. Make it part of your health plan. Adding posting here daily, which you mentioned in another post is a great idea. Come here and read about so many journeys and the hard times and the mistakes we have all made and the many successes. The minute you stop drinking, the lying stops. The guilt and shame and self-loathing fade away. It's a whole other way to be. While it is hard work, it is so worth it. I know you can do it, you are a determined person who seems goal oriented. What better goal than sober days?

Anna

Oh yes, I did the exact same thing many times. I could hold it together...and then I'd lose it. I didn't handle stress well at all and it's something I still struggle with at times. Maybe you could make a more specific plan for what to do when you're feeling a craving to drink or when you feel stressed. We're here for you.

Pekelover2

Thanks Dee.
I guess that I shouldn’t hate myself.
The only “tools” that I have are being in this group. And I didn’t even use that tool last evening. I purposefully stayed off the board. I should hav reached out.

DriGuy
I appreciate your reply. Gosh. I hope that I’m not a drama queen. I feel that maybe I am. A lot of ppl seem to drink when they’re sad or upset. I feel like a binge drink when things are going well. It’s as if I’m frightened that the good part of life will end. And so I want to enjoy it even more. You’re right. I’m scared right now. I’m living in fear. Because I don’t know what happens when I drink anymore. What if I decide to walk my dogs and leave one outside? (Again!)
What if I fall and crack one of my ribs? (Again!) I have to stop asking why. And just focus doing the how. I know someways of doing it. I was sober for 2.5 years. And I’ve been sober for entire years.
Viking,
thank yo so much for you reply. I appreciate it so much. I will try to make sobriety like a workout. I have no issues with be disciplined in that area. I already made plans to run tomorrow and on Friday morning with friends. I would never miss things like that. Thursday will be tricky. And I never drink while I work obviously. I’ll have to make adopt some new strategies. There is too much down time for me. Too many hours that aren’t accounted for.
Anna,
Thanks for your response. I appreciate it so much. I think your advice is great: I need to have better plans. And ones that don’t involve my hiding wine bottles in the laundry basket.

Thank you all so much for not judging me. I was scared to post about my epic fail.
Now my husband gets to go and work a 12 hours shift in a busy ER with very sick ppl. All the while in the back of his mind I’m sure he’s worried that I might drink again tonight. That’s not fair. 😔

LoveHateWhine

I feel for you Peke. I know my husband worries whenever he is out of town or away for the evening. I felt bad for making him worry, too. It’s happened before and I have even hurt myself (like falling down). Mine caught me in the act awhile back and like you, I was already gone.

The best advice I can give you is to make sure he never has to worry again and show him, not just tell him. If he sees you not drinking long enough, he will begin to realize you won’t do it and hopefully he won’t worry. It kills me to see my husband worry about me doing something stupid and I vow he will never worry again.

LHW

Free2bme888

Choose life, you CAN do it.

WE control our arms, legs, hands, feet and mouth.

Take care of yourself like you would a friend. What would you tell your Bestie if they were an alcoholic and wanted a drink? What would you DO to help them? I bet none of your answers would include pouring them a glass of wine.

hugs

Pekelover2

Thank you so much LHW. It kills me to know how worried my husband is right now. I’m leaving to visit with family next week. And he’s nervous about that too. He was so proud of me when I’ve quit in the past.

Free, thanks for reminding me that I’m in control! No one can force me to take a drink.

Dee74

I failed to stop drinking for many many years...but in the end I was ready to do whatever it took.
If I can do it, you can too pekelover

D

DriGuy

It was not my intention to imply that, and I don't pick that up from your posts. If you feel that maybe you are drinking for the drama or the attention, you can take a look at that after you quit. In my case, I could never answer the why questions until I was solid in my recovery. But again, while those questions are interesting, they tend to distract, and most important, the kind of no nonsense commitment you use in your physical training will be your most useful tool in breaking your addiction cycle. No matter the weather, or how lazy you feel, or what problems are happening at work, you do the training. That's the way you get fit, and that's how you recover.

That really resonates, and it was one of my surprise "why questions" I answered in early recovery. I realized one day that I didn't just drink to relieve the stress of a day at work. I also drank in celebration of a good day at work. So I had to throw out the "stress at work" rationalization, because I drank when I was feeling good. Of course what I learned, and should have realized but didn't until then, was that I drank because I was addicted. That was pretty much the sum total of why I drank at the end of my drinking. In college, I drank because it seemed fun, but that excuse had died years before I finally hit the downward spiral.

The good life is still ahead of you. I'm sure there are wonderful things about your current life. There were in mine too. But remove alcohol from your life, and unexpected wonders that are even more dramatic open up.

That's the ticket! Recovery commitment is very much like that, maybe a bit harder, but the same sort of no nonsense determination.

And that is stressed all the time in this forum. I actually sat down and thought about trigger situations, and how I would handle them (or avoid them) before I encountered them. I thought about the importance of that "training type" of commitment, and decided to never drink another drop, and it was for the first time I decided that as an actual commitment, rather than another empty promise. I had a plan (a strategy), as opposed to a wish.

Pekelover2

Thank you Dee for the encouragement. I appreciate it so much. 💕

Driguy,
thank you for the sage comments and introspective thoughts. I feel like I’m so far behind in all of this. There is still a lot of good yet to come! I have to believe that. And I have to focus on strategies. And not just wishes. Which is tough.
Also, I understand what you mean about drinking due to an addiction. And not just because you’re happy/sad/lonely etc. I can’t find a pattern anymore. It’s strange. But that’s why I can’t drink.

I ran with my friend today. We have no problem running seven miles in the trail system. I was two days post drinking. Huffing and puffing. Finally she asked me if I was okay. I felt like telling her the truth right there and then. Saying something like “hey I drank almost tow bottles of wine on Monday night…”

I got through it. But it wasn’t pretty. What scared me the most was when I looked down at my left hand afterwards. My fingers were swollen. I mean they looked like little sausages. I’ve never had that happen. Wth??

None of my friends really drink. I don’t know why I continue to do it.
Big smile. I’ve got this!