Hodd

OK, I changed their names …

I’ve known these guys for thirty years. We know each other’s families quite well. We’ve been on holidays together, and Dan even came to stay with me abroad a few weeks after his wife sadly died. It wasn’t the burden it sounds as I know him well. Neither of these guys drink at home, but when they go out (not that much), they really do drink. They’ll start at midday and stop at midnight. I really miss these guys, but my attempts to meet up and do something different, i.e. not in a pub, never work out. I should say they know about my quitting, and whilst they were shocked to learn I was dependent, they supported me 100%. If I did go to the pub with them, I’d have no worries of being led astray as they’d have my back.

So they’re meeting up tomorrow (no prizes for guessing where). I was invited and even tempted. Then I looked at the football/soccer fixtures. Sure enough there are a couple of games on tomorrow afternoon, so Dan and Steve will be watching, with beers in hand. That was the clincher for me. Count me out. The thought of pretending to be interested in a game whilst listening to drunkenness is quite possibly the most depressing thing I can think of. It’s also worth pointing out that we’re all in our 50s, and whilst I’m no oil painting, I’m way slimmer and fresh faced now than those two.

Realistically as time goes on, it’s inevitable I’ll lose touch with those two. I hate to say it, but they’ve become boring. I seriously believe they lack the energy to do anything different now. I’ve got new sporty friends who don’t drink or do so moderately, but I’ll never share the bond I have with those two.

Bit of a rant, but it’s probably the only thing I miss about not drinking. The problem is 100% with those two and their now limited horizons. Steve often says he’s now too old for such and such whilst I’ll be taking part (badly) in various sporting events.

So sadly we do end up losing friends when we quit drinking, but if they won’t change to suit out better ways, that’s the way it’ll have to be.

Anna

We do lose some friends when we change our lifestyle and become sober. Is it possible you could meet up for coffee or something like that?

DriGuy

It just happened as a natural part of recovery for me. There was some thought about how I MUST avoid certain friends at all costs early on, even though none would have been thoughtless enough to goad me into drinking. Later when I felt strong enough to be around them, I found that when they were drinking, they simply were not that interesting. Basically, we drank together with the goal of getting stupid together <slightly exaggerated>. Those times when we weren't drinking, we had some very meaningful discussions, however.

I never asked anyone not to drink around me. That was just some rule I made up for myself, but I would decide without giving any explanation whether I would continue to hang out with them. A number of my normie drinking friends, simply didn't drink around me. I suspect it was as a courtesy, but we never discussed it, so I really don't know.

My oldest and best friend, my college roommate, continues to drink in my presence, but it is not a problem for me, as we were now living hundreds of miles apart and I only see him a couple of times a year. I never asked him not to, but he was almost defiant about drinking in front of me, as if I were going to pass judgement on him, but I always hide my feelings. He was and is a high functioning alcoholic in denial, and that probably accounts for his insistence on drinking. I feel bad when I watch him getting drunk as he tries not to slur and loses control, but the last thing I want to do when he's drinking is to join in. I never want to be that guy again. During my early recovery, he was never around just as a simple matter of geography, so I never had to purposely avoid him.

Hodd

I’ve tried that. These guys would seriously travel to Taj Mahal or the Pyramids and find a pub to sit in all day 🤣

We definitely have less energy when we enter our 50s, and it does require more effort to do anything, but like a lot of U.K. guys, it’s TV in the evenings and a social event will mean lots of alcohol.

Outonthetiles

Let them go. If they want to get serious about their lives they'll notice how much better your life is going now and they'll stop drinking and start living. I can't stand that "I'm too old for such and such..."


People my age
They don't do the things I do
Neil Young

Surrendered19

That was one of the more difficult parts of recovery for me Hodd. After my feelings were done being hurt and I got my fragile boozy ego in check, I honestly examined those relationships. The ones that faded away were bs all along, and the people who actually loved me still do, and those relationships are stronger than ever. Our worlds definitely change when we recover. Most of it good and small parts of it painful - at least it was for me. But it is all part of our new healthy road.

Hodd

100%, Surrender. There are other people who I only knew through drinking, and they’re now ancient history. These people were utterly bemused by my decision to quit, and they’re the dullest people you’d ever meet. It’s a bit tougher and more of a compromise, though, when it’s long-term friends.

DriGuy

Years ago, there was a huge craze in the US to travel to the Central American country of Belize. Everyone was going there. I never went, but it sounded wonderful with Mayan pyramids deep in the jungle, etc. So some of the people, a mixed group of singles I hung out with at the bar, decided to take the trip together. I remember thinking, "Well good for them." And unlike most of the alcoholic plans made in bars that never happen, they actually did it. So a few weeks they came back all excited about their trip and like all travelers, they brought their photos with them.

I didn't see one photo of a Mayan Temple, parrot, or rain forest jungle. All the photos they brought to the bar were of their hotel rooms, usually of one or another of them waking up, but in bed, and still drunk from the night before, or the classic photo of Mitch, or Ann standing in the kitchen area with a beer in hand. We all laughed about how drunk they got in Belize. I have no idea what else they did, but whatever that was, they didn't seem to have any photos to document it.

Hodd

Shouldn’t laugh, DriGuy, but it is mildly amusing.

Me and the same guys stayed in a jungle resort in Malaysia once, a mainly muslim part of the country. There was a tiny bar for the handful of western tourists, but it was barely used - until of course we arrived. The poor barman had to change to a new barrel, and we could hear him outside struggling to drag this barrel up the stairs. It was clearly something he didn’t do often. To be fair, during the daytime we did more interesting things. As I say, these are good guys. If there was no alcohol available, they wouldn’t have minded. We didn’t take any bar photos, though.

Steely

Thanks for the thread Hodd, similar is happening to me, and I've been struggling with it bigtime. Replies here have helped me heaps.

A friend of many years smokes copious amounts of dope, daily. Each time I phone, or visit, she is pulling on a bong. And she has respiratory disease. Recently discharged from hospital with pneumonia. Not only do I think her behaviour is stupid, but she has become incredibly boring.

I've known her a looong time, and has been hard to cease the phone calls, visits. But I have, and I'm glad. Not in any way other than it was dragging me down. And I want to look up.