DriGuy

From the context of these two sentences, it sounds like you know why. Recovery is total abstinence forever. Once a month is moderation; But moderation is not recovery. It's not even a compromise between recovery and getting drunk; Moderation is just another way to drink. It's clear that you don't want to do what you know you need to do.

Don't feel like I'm criticizing. I'm just pointing out what almost everyone in this forum including me has tried before finally getting around to recovery. It's temptingly logical sounding, and our normie peers encourage us to control ourselves, believing they know what they are talking about. Sadly, it won't work. I remember the night and the moment when I threw in the towel accepting this solution as I embraced it and did so gladly because I had beaten myself up for too long carried along by false hope. It wasn't sad to accept that new path. It was a relief, and things went well for me after that.

And when you get the point where you take that step beyond what you know you must do, and accept it with open arms, things will change for you too. But harboring thoughts like, "Maybe I can just drink a little when....," is admitting you are not into this thing with both feet. When you quit hoping that you can compromise with recovery, you will begin to make progress. There is no compromise. You are in, or you are not.

Well, you just pointed out that is was about more than just running. It's also about your marriage. Granted it was a little late bringing that in, but you did it. Maybe next time you will mention your marriage first. I don't think that's so bad. And as you will hear over and over in this forum, when it comes to recovery, you do it for you. It may please others, but it's not always the case, but you do this for yourself, and hope that others will be pleased. My personal experience with that wisdom was a little more rude than the way it's usually phrased: "I was doing this for me, and all others be damned."

Anna

I think many of us here have tried to find a way to moderate. It seems to be how the alcoholic brain works - it's desperate to find a way that will not involve abstinence. As I tried to moderate, drink occasionally, my alcoholism worsened. I can promise you it was easier to not drink at all, rather than trying to moderate. In abstinence, your brain can relax and regroup and find new ways to cope with life.

And, I was dismayed to realize how selfish I was when I was actively drinking. It wasn't how I saw myself and it was very disappointing. It's something I still think about sometimes. But, the good news is that you can change how you think and act. It's a wonderful feeling.

least

I tried desperately to moderate but Anna is right - it's far easier to stop altogether than it is to moderate. And for me, the point of drinking was to get numb and 'out of it', so moderate drinking didn't satisfy me at all.

I'm just so glad I stopped drinking. Dealing with my life is so much easier and simpler now. No drama. No panic. Just (mostly) peace and contentment. I have a lot of the same problems, but I handle them with grace and determination. I love living sober.

Mizz

Running and life will be better and more rewarding with the alcohol out of the equation. Moderation did not work for me and for those of us here on SR. I gave the moderation route everything I had. I mean, 20 gold stars for effort, ya know? I was miserable.
I wanted so badly just to get on my runs without feeling the effects of alcohol. Without thinking about alcohol. Without alcohol being a part of my world. I got there... It took me awhile but I got there! You will too.

Alcohol was causing a lot of problems in my marriage too. Everything was a mess. Ultimately, I had to surrender and dive into sobriety even if that meant the end of my marriage and all that I have known for the last 15 years. My health and recovery are 100% the most important thing to me. My marriage is the second most important thing. I guess I am saying.....Its okay to want to be healthy for you. When we are healthy for ourselves we can then show up to others healthy. We put our oxygen mask on first kind of thing. Once I was breathing on my own (with the help of this forum) I worked and am working through any issues in my marriage. You will be okay. Get your foundation first.

Pekelover2

Driguy, Miss, Least, Anna
Thank you so much for these replies. I could re-read what you’ve written to me a dozen times and still take away something new from each one of these responses.

I don’t know whom I’m kidding w/ respect to “moderation”. For myself, drinking 2xs a month involves my three dogs and I sitting on the sofa while I hurriedly drink two bottles of wine. Alone. (Well the TV is on). But that’s not moderation. That’s obliteration. Frankly at my size, I’m surprised that my heart hasn’t given out.

. Driguy, I KWYM about getting into this thing with both feet. When I was sober, the cravings went away. It was such a great time of my life. I wish that I were back there again. I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble.
I was great student in undergraduate and in grad school. I exercise religiously. I even went vegan 16 months ago. (I had a steak on my bday because life is short).
Why can’t I do this?
I cannot take these hangovers anymore. It’s ridiculous. The lost time! Omg. It’s so awful.

I’m flying out Thursday with my little cousin to visit our family. It’s my Aunt’s 90th birthday. This is going to be tough. My family is made up of social drinkers.
One day at a time.
Thank you one thousand times over for your replies. They mean so much to me!

Dee74

Go into those situations with a plan pekelover

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...val-guide.html (Social Occasion Survival Guide)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ery-plans.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

DriGuy

Part of it is that as alcoholism progresses, cravings become more and more insistent, which creates this never ending struggle. As you noticed, the cravings went away in the absence of alcohol, and there is no more struggle as long as you don't take a drink. Life becomes easy. There is actually a physical component to this universal dynamic, and it is explained very clearly how it works in a book called Under the Influence.

During the period of abstinence, you begin to feel so good that it seems like you are well enough to steal a quick drink, so when you decide to take that drink, being as you are now feeling invulnerable, you end up where you were the last time, only deeper than you were before. I don't have much experience as a binge drinker. I simply binged every night, so once I broke the cycle, I was done as long as I remembered not to fall for that self deception that "I feel so good I can now take a drink."

I don't know why people do the type of periodic binging like you do. Never having experienced it, I can't understand it. It seems like you never really stay clean long enough to fully break the craving cycle, or you were never really all in, or you are easily deceived that you have lost your alcoholic physiology after a few days without a drink. But the "cure" should be the same for both of us. Just never take a drink, and don't be deceived that one little drink will take the edge off when you crave. It doesn't work that way. It only makes it worse.

Basically, you have to stop doing something that you want to do more than anything else. It's a hard pill to swallow when you want to drink more than you want to run or love your husband. Of course you want both, but drinking comes first and then fouls up everything else, so all you have left in life is the drinking... Unless you give it up. It's like clinging to a partner who treats you like trash thinking that things will magically change. And alcoholism is even more selfish than a bad partner in that regard.

Pekelover2

Dee~
Thank you for these two links! They’re very helpful!
Driguy~
What’s that saying? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome? Things won’t magically change if I keep drinking. I’m teetering at the point of losing everything.
I honestly would be a daily drinker but I’m too vain and too small to probably get away with it. I feel like I drink so rapidly that I’m close to harming myself. In a big way. I don’t go for a buzz. I drink to knock myself out pretty much. I just have to remember what the morning after is like. Honestly why can’t they bottle that? That awful sickening felling. Sometimes I feel drunker the next morning than I did when I passed out the night before. It’s the worst feeling that we all know so well.
Ugh.

Mizz

The one way I got through the initial stages was by structure. They call it a plan around here. I structured my time in a way that did not and would not involve any alcohol. Each hour was devoted to tasks of self care and responsibilities until I got stable and was on solid ground. I treated myself like I was in boot camp. I was strict and very regimented. There was no room for relapse and no room to slack. Rinse and repeat every single day until I was on auto pilot.

Wake up 5 am
coffee
SR check in
Spiritual practice
run or weights or both
breakfast
shower
work
eat lunch
home
hot tea
sr check in
bath
bed
light reading or sr or a series
sleep by 9pm
Rinse and repeat every single day

The above was my life saver. Still is.

YOU CAN DO THIS! Do not think you can't. Can't is not a part of this. If you can be devoted and structured and disciplined on your runs and work outs, you can be the same with not drinking. YOU CAN. Its not impossible. You are more powerful than you think. Own your power and run with it into a life free from alcohol! I believe in you.

Anna

First of all, let me say, getting sober and facing myself and my life as a sober person, was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But, you can do it. I know you can. When you fully accept that drinking is not an option, ever, your brain will begin to shift to find new ways to cope with life. As Mizz said, I believe in you, too.

Dee is right about making a plan for your visit. Have a plan to get away for a half an hour for a walk outside or to leave if things are too intense.

ElizaD

Pekelover2, I'm 57 and have had many, many nights where I drank two bottles of red wine and felt terrible the next day. Like every weekend. I quit for 2 years and 9 months before I decided I could moderate which of course I could not. I quit again on 11/28/21. I've managed to keep my drinking a secret from almost everyone including my sister whom I'm closest to more than anyone in the world. This time I'm trying to be honest with everyone including her so that I have some accountability. You might want to think about this when it comes to your bffs. I know it's hard because it is a secret that has been kept for so long and seems so shameful but it is not. It is just us trying to be honest with the world about us being real, flawed human beings.

Pekelover2

Eliza D,
thank you so much for your thoughtful (and honest) reply. I feel like such a liar most of the time. I don’t know how I’ve managed to hide my binge drinking for so long. Just lucky I guess.

Anna,
Thank you for your sweet reply. It means a lot to me.

Mizz,
Thanks for a visualization of a great plan. I need to put pen to paper and get something down like that.

I’m leaving for a 2:00am shuttle to the airport. I’m not a great flyer. I’ve been up since 4:00 am. That’s pretty normal for me. I don’t need a lot of sleep. But I’m starting to hit a wall a bit.
I don’t know what this weekend with bring. I’ll try to do my best. Brought my runner gear. Even tho it’s pretty cold where I’m going to.
I wish you guys were here to give me a hug, lol.
My husband is so worried. Once I drank so much on a plane that I had to be wheeled out on a wheel chair. The flight attendants didn’t realize how much I drank. (I drank in a bar before the flight). They chalked it up to my taking a few to many benzodiazepines. They actually felt badly for me. What a mess.

DriGuy

<ouch> Now that's one Hell of a red flag. I can't imagine the embarrassment.

Pekelover2

I made it to my destination!
I met my nephew at the airport. (We took the same flight). That helped me to stay sober. I didn’t want to smell of alcohol when I hugged him.
Some of my family and I went out to dinner last night. I don’t know if it was because I was too tired but I didn’t even think about ordering a drink. One of my cousins had four gin and tonic‘s and the other two had a few Mojito‘s. I went to sleep early and I work up at 3:30 am my time ran almost 9 miles this morning which is kind of a lot for me on not much sleep. Just taking it minute by minute. Big dinner tonight.
Feeling anxious about both alcohol and food. My family comes in two flavors:super thin and vastly overweight. But flavors love to eat tho. With myED I know that adhering to a strict vegan diet keeps me on track . Not too scared about food. Not yet anyway.
Thank you for letting me vent.

Hodd

I was once on a flight from Asia to Aus, and I’d seriously hit the beers that day. I woke up suddenly on the flight and got up quickly to make a loo visit. In doing so, I passed out and woke up wondering where on earth I was. I’d say the cabin crew were more than alarmed and spent some time asking if I was OK. Ironically this was the time when my lifestyle change had started and I’d cut down. But when on holiday I’d forget about such things. Incredibly even after such a humiliating and dangerous event - I’d hit my forehead into the carpet, it could’ve been a lot worse - I still carried on drinking for another 12 months.

Pekelover2

Thanks for being so honest with me, Hodd. I’m glad that you didn’t hurt yourself worse than you did.
My family have all gone to their separate rooms. I can’t lie. I looked up DoorDash. I guess due to the county I’m in, the won’t deliver alcohol. I know that it’s not good that I looked that up. But I told myself that I just wanted “to see if they allowed it”. Thank gosh they didn’t.
Wish that my husband was here with me.
I was hoping I’d be more tired than I am.
There’s some kind of restaurant in the distance. I could definitely run there. But I’m not that desperate. Plus if o went there I’d have to walk back. Bad idea. Stupid.
Thanks.

least

Glad you didn't give in and drink.

Pekelover2

Thanks Least. I’m hanging by a thread now. Strange.
I was going to go down to the gym for a bit. I did an abs class after I ran and I did chest and shoulders. It might be a good plan to go back down.
Nervous. sorry. I’m such a baby.
I have a really good book that I brought. I’ll start that.

Pekelover2

Funny. Watching my family tonight. My cousins drink frequently. One cousin always has two glasses of red wine. Always. But that’s it. One cousin always has two beers. One cousin has four cocktails last night. But opted for a beer tonight. But it’s all in moderation. Like they’d never drink a bottle of wine in one sitting. At least not publicly. And they’d never drink at the speed that I drink.

Pekelover2

I was thinking of going for a walk now. The streets are well-lit. Maybe just down to the lobby. Just read my book there.