thomas11

Recently I have been posting on this site and either drinking or "morning after" type stuff. I like this forum and also enjoy contributing positively when I can. Recently not only have i not been living in sobriety, but I question my desire to be sober. I don't want to be a drunk either....been there too. In the spirit and charter of this forum, I can no longer post in good conscience.

So many good folks out there with life much worse than mine trying their darndest to get an stay sober, and I'm not helping in any way.

I'm safe, I'm ok, but I'm not going to tarnish purpose of the online get together that happens here each and every day. I will return. Jeff

Be123

I went through a period trying to get sober where I felt the same, I actually thought being on here was bad for my sobriety as I'd hit a pattern of day one posts, 'I'll never drink again' posts, and then drinking.

Where I was right was that I needed to do something different. Posting on here on its own wasn't enough for me to make the changes I needed to.

Hope you stick around Jeff. All the best. I am sure you must know that nobody here wants you to leave and the site is made for people to get sober!! It's not a well person who needs a doctor...

advbike

That is your decision Jeff, and the honesty is appreciated. I know you've been struggling and hope you will reconsider. I wasted decades going back and forth, because I could, and now looking back I wish I hadn't. Without sobriety there is no recovery, and in the meantime the years are lost.

You are always welcome back here.

Dee74

Its noble of you to step away but its a false nobility, Jeff.
You could choose to stay here and not drink.

Its not the easiest choice but it is the truly noble one.

I hope you decide to fight for yourself Jeff.
You have only to look back through threads here and search your own memory to see how drinking works out for you.

I have to be honest - I reckon things are pretty bad for you and alcohol right now - the only possible trajectory if you keep drinking is downward....can you really afford for things to get any worse?

D

Kaily

It is very sad, you are being swallowed up by addiction. By writing this post you have given yourself permission to drink without guilt, regret or accountability. I hope you reconsider.

Lately I have been questioning my own sobriety. Your post has reminded me what the other side is like. I don't want that life back either. I need to find some contentment that is enhanced by sobriety thus making it something I never want to lose.

I guess sobriety has to be worthwhile to make it stick. Discontentment sends us searching in the wrong direction, hoping once again to find happiness in the bottom of a bottle. The happiness of misery.

Keep fighting Jeff.

Surrendered19

You do help Jeff. Being together on SR, drunk, sober, high, recovering, screwed, blued or tattooed - that helps all of us collectively and that is what SR is all about. You are not doing damage to a single person by coming on here and telling us you are hurting and have had a few. We've all done that a million times. Any your lashing out and being surly??? I obtained my PhD in lashing out and surly in my drinking days, but here I am 15 months sober. I truly fail to see why you view your situation as unique in any way. We've collectively done it all, ruined it all, took a flamethrower to the countryside, and lived to tell about it, so why not talk to us? In real life, very few people get it man.

Mizz

Hmmmm.....
Is leaving really helpful for you? I think this is the perfect place for you to be sober or not.

It baffles me how people think they need to be sober in order to be "Here."
Seeing how this is an Alcoholism/ Drug/ Addiction forum.....

Aellyce

I don't think it's usually very effective to argue with someone who prefers to drink or have very strong ambivalence, so I won't, especially because I did similar escapes several times in the past, although sometimes I left because SR really wasn't useful during those periods and I used it wrong to further complicate my issues, not to untangle and help it. It became part of the same maladaptive routine for me. The one thing I am going to say, Jeff, is that I hope you have the interest and willingness to look for other things that could help you more. It is quite clear that you would need more than just posting here to stick with recovery. Perhaps if you tried something else helpful and came back then, it would be a different experience? All the best, whatever you decide to do!

biminiblue

We'll leave a light on.

Hawkeye13

Jeff, you, and in particular your AV, have been very helpful to me to witness how easily the AV deludes us to help justify / rationalize blowing up a strong run of sobriety. My AV and I have often done the same, and I also kept thinking it was “my” idea instead of my AV’s.

Your AV is still clearly in the driver’s seat Jeff if you actually believe you are leaving SR for “our” good. Remember who you are talking too—we are kin in addiction, not normies.

I hurt for you and all the pain you are in, and creating for yourself and your wife if you continue this cycle of relapse.

I understand the dark urge, and I hope you come back to SR soon.

You will be missed and thought of meanwhile. . .

novips

I believe there are foundational instructions I have to follow in order to stay sober, but I get a lot of freedom in terms of how I apply those instructions. So, for example, I believe regular A.A. meeting attendance (for me, at least 4 meetings a week) is critical -- but I have a lot of freedom in terms of which meetings I attend. Likewise, I have to work the Steps -- but how exactly I work them can vary. For example, I'm given pretty precise instructions for how to practice morning meditation on pages 86-87 of the Big Book, but there remains a tremendous amount of freedom in terms of how I implement those instructions. Thus, if taking a break from posting moves you further away from a drink -- then more power to you. On the other hand, if that decision is just your disease (sometimes referred to as the Devil) using one of its favorite tools of destruction -- shame -- to pull you away from this herd of safety, then I hope you'll reconsider.

CaliButterfly

Jeff, if this were 30 days ago, I could see myself write this very post. I really didn't want to quit either. I live alone so I'm not a burden to my family, I work from home and successfully support myself so I am not dependent on the system or need to worry about face-to-face interaction with coworkers. I don't have to drive, the list goes on ad infinitum. And I truly liked the buzz. But we all know that external reasons are rarely enough. So I woke up about 3 weeks back feeling like hell as I always did, and thought to myself, I have got to get a grip. So I took out a college-ruled spiral notebook and wrote down all of the values/benefits/appreciations of sobriety. It didn't take me long to fill half the page and still continues to grow. I tried to put the pros of drinking on the right side, and I only came up with one. Temporary buzz followed by a morning of shame, regret, remorse, depression, and self-pity. What pleasure is that? I read again the sobriety pros, and again, and again. It clicked. Nope, the chains just aren't worth the laundry list of sacrifices. So I smashed my AV in its proverbial face, repeated to myself "I don't drink, I never will again, and I won't change my mind", and I haven't looked in my rearview. My Rational Recovery book has been an inspiration to me as well, so that's a bonus. If I can offer one suggestion it's this. Even if you're drinking now but want to stop at some point, write down the list. Add to it as things crop up that wouldn't be an issue if you were sober. You would be amazed how long that list gets. Good luck and don't give up. I don't have to tell you it's worth it to be free again.

ScottFromWI

Check your logic there Jeff - deciding to leave and keep drinking in essence is going against the purpose of SR. It's your decision of course, but basically you are telling us you want to keep drinking rather than make the effort to quit. Again - the decision up to you, but don't try to reframe it as something it is not.

Also, remember that you are playing right into your addiction's hands by making this choice. If you are unsure of how achieve the motivation to get sober, leaving the very community that can help you get there is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. One of my old co-workers who was a long time AA member told me that you will have a much better chance of getting sober meeting at a meeting, vs meeting at a bar. Whether you are in AA or not it seems like pretty sound advice to me.

Anna

Jeff, I will be watching for you to return and hoping that you do. I wish you all the best.

nez

Jeff, I can only answer for myself (but I know I am not the only one), but I am more than willing to listen and respond at any time because I can't get help unless I am willing to give it. None of us are always at our best, this site wouldn't serve it's purpose if we were. I needed to change and grow, so that I could stay sober. Now I stay sober, so that I can continue to change and grow. Posting on this site is a big part of that process for me.

Hevyn

We're here for you always, Jeff. Please don't cheat yourself out of a better life.

courage2

"posting in good conscience" -- a principle I'm sure I've violated. Particularly when I've needed help the most. Probably it saves the lives of many drunks to lay down their principles for a while.

You're a very rationale person, I think. But the world isn't equally rational. When a person gets struck by the lightning bolt of sobriety, and the dust clears and they're still alive, one response is to treat every next sober day with amazement, gratitude and tears of joy and the love of lightning. Another response is to try to assert your own control by denying it, minimizing it, therapizing it, negotiating with it.

It's a lightning bolt, man! Stop arguing! You're like Jonah -- the mysterious forces that rule the universe want you to get sober, and you're like, "I'm not so sure." So what? Sobriety is sure.

That's why I like the concept of surrender.

Thanks, Kierkegaard.

thomas11

I very much appreciate all of the responses. Let's be honest with ourselves folks, a 50+ year old adult posting music videos from youtube is not going to help anyone get sober here. When my head is straight I believe I am a good leader/coach, but not when full of booze. When I am full of booze I get melancholy (I think that is the right word). Well, my past life means nothing in the "right now". And it would serve me well to keep off this forum and my mouth shut.

For those getting sober, good for you. Alcohol is a formidable opponent and should be treated as such.

Lastly, I am not so sure alcohol is the enemy as much as my head and my thoughts. Alcohol numbs those thoughts and it feels nice. I've been through quite a bit in my life and to be able to hit the "shut off" valve feels good.

Not sure I'm helping anyone, I am just thinking out loud here. Jeff

ScottFromWI

I think I feel more scared for you after hearing this statement than I have in a long time Jeff. You know leaving the support you get here behind is the wrong choice, I for your sake I do hope you reconsider. The fact that you are back here today after declaring that you were leaving does offer some hope that deep down you know what to do.

Also please remember that by choosing the "shut off valve" for your feelings, you also voluntarily accept all of the risks that come along with it. I don't think you need anyone to go into detail on that, but remember that you own all the bad stuff too.

Dee74

I think alcohol is very much your enemy Jeff - maybe not your only enemy, sure but an enemy nonetheless.

By drinking you’re trying to make the intolerable tolerable - it’s what we all do, attacking the symptoms before we accept we have to go deeper and further than that.

And it’s comforting to see alcohol as just a medicine we use...but it’s more than that.
It’s a tentacle of a much bigger octopus and a much bigger A word: addiction.

There may be other tentacles involved as well, but I’ll stick with addiction.

Self medication can destroy and may even take your life.

I don’t know if posting YouTubes helps you or anyone else but that’s not really the issue Jeff.

Other people are not really the issue here either...it’s deflection, it’s misdirection, it’s ‘look over there and stop looking at me...’

The issue is and has always been about you... and when you’re ready to face the fear and grab the harpoon and go after your octopus.

Like Bim said we’ll be here

D