anxiousrock

I personally like when you post here. It means you are seeking help. But if you leave, then what?

nez

Jeff, I keep posting because so many of your posts resonate with me and take me back to times in my past.

I never know what to say, but people in recovery were always there for me, so I am doing what I was taught.

We are here and listening. Whatever you say, we can relate. We are alcoholics. We have a shared path. Speak from your heart. We are listening with our hearts. Listen to what you say, because if it is coming from your heart, that is where healing starts.

You never have to be alone.

KidsEverywhere

I’ve tried it all different ways. Moderation. Was just never something I was good at (could do at all). I appreciate your thoughts, etc and hope you come back (or just adopt a sober life with or without this site). It is a far taller order for me to drink responsibly than to just avoid it altogether.

Hevyn

BlueBirdie - I would like to thank you too. I'm so glad you made the decision to post, & hope you will continue.

thomas11

damn, I sit here and read through these posts and have to say that addicts are some of the smartest people I know. As much as I want to cry I am not going to because it doesn't fix the problem, does it? I read every post, try and digest it the best I can, and sooner or later I will lie down and grind those comments and thoughts through my head like a sausage factory. No one likes to know how the sausage is made, they just like the end result. I make the sausage....in my head.

nez

It certainly doesn't make the problem worse. Might help, who knows, what do you have to lose? I am glad you are posting. Posting is action. Change happens with action. Can't make sausage without action. :~)

Obladi

Some of us know how the sausage is made.
Tears are a crucial ingredient.

CaliButterfly

Jeff, no, crying doesn't solve the problem, but it's a healthy emotional release. It helps "get it out" instead of holding it in which doesn't do you any good. Just the opposite. Enter alcohol. Numb the pain, dull the worry, make the current day a bit more tolerable. We all know the drill so we feel for you. You seem to be making quite a positive impact here, even in the midst of your struggles. Please don't stop posting even if you are not ready to stay sober yet. You help others & nobody is being judgmental or thinks you shouldn't be here. And you know what? You may get the extra added bonus of finding the strength you are looking for to start a sober future too.

Surrendered19

Folks here on SR aren't squeamish about watching the sausage being made Jeff. Being here together, trying to sort things out, talking about what brought us here, the terrible things that have happened to us, the difficulty in staying sober and healthy, grappling with regret and loss, accepting support, being vulnerable, wishing many days that things were different, offering our best support to others. That is what we are all doing here, same as you. You don't have to do that alone. You don't have to do those things with SR people either. There are many other ways to get support and begin to heal. But doing this alone never works. When you suggest you will sort this out in your own good time, I know that means lots of drinking between now and then. That is dangerous and permanently damaging for people like us who are already dancing on banana peels as it is.

StevePDX

I don't post often, but I wanted to add my voice to this very powerful thread. Thank you for putting yourself out here Jeff. By sharing your struggles you are helping people in many ways. Lots of us have similar struggles and most of us can benefit from the discussion created around your sharing. I wish for you to find your best life, what ever that means to you. You are worthy of it, regardless of how you may feel at times. Godspeed man!

Also a shout out to BlueBirdie and her great post. Keep'em coming please.

Tanky

Jeff, I am another of the lurkers on your journey. I haven’t posted because I have always felt like the words of someone like me are not going to help you. But that is probably my head talking, not my heart.

I think a part of you knows no amount of thinking while sipping and making “sausages” is going to solve this for you. You said yourself that you like how alcohol shuts some of that down. And it will. We all know that relief. Such sweet relief from noise in our heads. But it won’t just shut that down. It will shut it all down. It will keep taking. Not just the bad stuff but all of it , good, bad , everything. And not so long ago during your bender, it was negotiating to take your life - the fast way .

I have been struggling a lot with my own mental health in my early efforts at sobriety. It just seems to keep going south. It led to me picking up once, already. I can’t help thinking what is the point of all this, if I am just going to feel worse? If I am still going to end up dead? The last three years of my drinking & addiction I wasn’t ever suicidal. I wasn’t even depressed. I had no emotions. I hadn’t cried in years. Surely that is better , right?

But I realised something yesterday about my recent suicidal plans. They almost all involve drinking first. Eg my mental obsession , my craving, my AV is literally prepared to trade my life for the permission to drink - even one more time. And that is seriously insane. That is not me making a choice to die. It is part of my addiction.

You are steeped in this insanity and addiction , at the moment, Jeff, and part of you knows that. It doesn’t make you special, Jeff. It doesn’t make you noble to chose the addiction over help. Or exceptionally damaged in a way none of us could ever understand. It just makes you an alcoholic. It’s pretty much just what we all do and think when in active addiction. Nothing you post here is hurting us. Because we all fight those demons within , just as you do.

But I think throughout your struggle , the pilot light in you is still on , Jeff. Even during the fiercest tempest , you can feel it . Even if you can’t always see it and like to pretend you don’t need it. And you know SR has helped you reignite it before. We carry flint.

I am glad to have you here, whether you are walking, crawling , or being piggybacked across the most treacherous parts . You don’t need to push us away so you can drink undisturbed. Xx

thomas11

I am so touched by all of your posts, I really am. It gets me a bit emotional. But keep in mind (and I know most of you know this), you are your own salvation. You are your own hero and savior. Not anyone else.

What I mean indirectly is that as much as I love all of you, you are not going to make me sober, only I am. you all know that. Only you are going to make yourself sober, be your own champion, your own hero, and your own leader. Don't look to others, they will always let you down. Including me.

Surrendered19

True enough Jeff. In the end, we are alone in our own heads with this. But we can stay connected. I've never expected anyone to save me. I knew I had to do that. But I'll tell you, it was of immense and unmeasurable comfort to come on here in the early days and have SR to hear me and bear witness to what I was going through.

You didn't let me down. You all saved me.

I hope you think we are worthy of doing that for you Jeff.

Steely

Are you talking to yourself Jeff?

Mizz

I'm glad you are still posting even though you said you were stepping away, Jeff.
Are you going to be your leader and save yourself? Your own hero? You can do it. You know you can.
Godspeed, Jeff.

thomas11

I do know that Dee has like every post on this thread except my own. It does not go unnoticed. Jeff.

thomas11

And I have no doubt he has his reasons.....

Dee74

Again, I'm not the enemy, Jeff.

I think you're focusing on the wrong stuff, man.

Sometimes I don't like what a friend is doing to themselves or thinking about themselves Jeff.

I'm not looking back but I'm sure I've thanked some of your posts here - some I couldn't - but thats not the point.

The point is I'm still here...yeah?

D

Steely

Has this been reduced to the 'thanking' of posts, or have I got it wrong?

fini

Jeff, we know we can’t get you sober, as you say.
this isn’t a “let’s get others sober” forum; it is a peer support place. which is what we are all offering you. which sometimes you embrace but then seem to feel an overwhelming need to close yourself off from.

you have mentioned several times you will let us down .
let me make this very clear: you can’t.
at least speaking for myself, but i bet for probably all of us: i don’t rely on you, so you can’t let me down.
i am not invested in you or your potential sobriety.
in case that sounds uncaring, it’s not. i care if you get sober or not. if you post or not. if you feel desperate or hopeful. if you’re acting in your best interest or against it.
but you can’t let me down. you can let nobody here down; only yourself.