Surrendered19

If you wanted to be gone from here, you'd be gone from here Jeff. But you are here. I don't think this needs to be an all or nothing thing man. There are things that happen in real life and I've had a few weeks at a time when I might just read on SR for 5 minutes here and there and not post for weeks. Then the spirit moves us and we start posting again. I'd just leave it at that if I were you. We'll all be here flailing about, bumping into each other, and doing the best we can when you decide to come back and need some support.

Steely

Jeff says he "must step aside for a while." Sometimes this is necessary, and I can't see anything WrONG with his decision, much as I'd like to see otherwise.

Pleading with someone can sometimes keep the same old ball rolling. Jeff knows he has to get sober if he wants the life he imagines. Personally, I've only got to imagine the life I'd have if I continued to drink Jeff, and it's not pretty.

Self destruct seems to be built into our (addicts) DNA, and you don't 'deserve' that Jeff, not matter how cruel your history. The point is to change it. None of us wanted to be drunk Jeff.

This is is a difficult post to compose because I want Jeff to get sober as much as anyone else, and I'm glad people have put effort into persuading him to return. He will when he's ready, as I see it. He said in closing, "I'll return."

The "online get together" sounds a bit like the ladies sewing circle Jeff. I don't see it like that. I see it as people sharing their "experience, strength, and hope" in common effort to remain sober. I see this as incredibly human, Jeff. People show their vulnerabilities, and this is a privilege for us all. We are given to trust. Machismo, never works from what I can see. You can be vulnerable here Jeff.

I can understand wanting to take a break Jeff. Time to think, consider. Just hope you use this time for that purpose.

Edit: Yeah, you can "shut it off" forever if you want Jeff, but after a while everything gets shut off, not just the painful parts. That's where we become vulnerable and be prepared to trust.

nez

I know that for me, alcohol was but a symptom. The real problem sat on top of my shoulders. Alcohol did numb and operate like a 'shut off" valve for me too, but the rub was that it was not selective in what thoughts it numbed in my head...it numbed the whole damn thing!!!

I know it probably sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher "Wah wah woh wah wah...", but in recovery I have learned to operate the "shut off" valve without using alcohol and yes it does it feels nice. I can also be selective about what gets shut off and for how long. Never got that choice with alcohol!

The same goes for this post as well, but as long as I pay real attention to what I post, my out loud thinking, can help me translate the mess in my head, so at least one person will be helped, but only if I learn and grow from what I translate.

Obladi

Alcohol wasn’t the enemy for me either, Jeff. It was the solution for dealing with my own head. Only thing is, addiction made alcohol more and more necessary. It was definitely going to kill me unless I got brave enough to do myself in first. I agree, it’s the thinking that needs to be addressed. I thought there was no hope for me, that I’d just have to keep drinking. I get it.

I also felt very self conscious about posting here while that drink/don’t drink war was raging in my head and “drink” continued to be the winner. So I set up my own thread, figuring at least I wouldn’t annoy anyone else by what I had to say. Some really good people came along to support me on my death defying roller coaster of relapse. They helped me. They helped me to finally stay sober. And now I feel like I truly can help other people who are struggling.

You don’t have to lead, Jeff. You don’t have to set a good example. You could put down that burden of having to be so friggin self-sufficient and let others help YOU this time. You could let us sit with you while you work through what’s in your head.

It’s a pretty good bet that at least a few of us will be able to relate.

And then you will be able to look back one day and realize that you did help others. Just by letting them bear witness.

You can have lasting sobriety again and it can be so much better than it was before. I only know because I’ve been there.

xo
O

2muchpain

Correctly if I am wrong but you have signed off from SR several times before. I see this two ways. It gives you a reason to continue to drink, and gives you the attention you want. I have been there before and it never turns out well. All it does is reinforce our continued downfall into this dark hole. With all due respect; I think you see your drinking as no big deal. You might find AA or elsewhere a more positive way to get the attention you want. If you are really in need of attention, consider in or outpatient treatment. Better than what you are doing now. John

lessgravity

Others have said plenty with wisdom and compassion. I'm sad and scared for you brother. You've been one of the voices here that has helped me to get and stay sober. Nothing good will come of you giving in to the drink. I hope you get some clarity and come back to us sober sooner than later.

Steely

I've done same 2much pain. Thanks.

And in the ènd no one gave a toss. Even those who cared.

They couldn't any longer, and I see that now.

Libby06

Hi Jeff. I did find it curious that you didn't seem to be asking for help this go around as you have in the past. It sounds as though you have convinced yourself that drinking is working for you right now. Maybe it is, but that would be quite the turn around from your past binges.

They have a saying in AA....if you want to keep drinking, that's your business, but if you want to quit drinking, that's AA's business. Its totally up to you.

I suppose you are right though..if you want to keep drinking, posting on a sober recovery sight probably isn't helpful for someone not looking for help.

I sure hope it works out for you. The older we get, the harder it is to bounce back. Some never make it back.
Peace

fini

Jeff, you say it will “serve you well” to leave here....and maybe that’s so.
but likely it will only serve your drinking destruction, as that is what seems in the driver’s seat. and yeah, that’s not on alcohol but your head and thinking and interacting with the world, yourself and others.
you may be addicted beyond choosing to drink at the moment, and you may need help with that via imposed restriction, temporarily.
all other choices are yours, however.
from as small as whether you will post here one more time or two to as big as doing whatever is necessary to get to ongoing sobriety.
you are making choices all the time.
we all are.
i hope you’ll put them on the sober side of the scale.

least

When I was deep in the throes of my alcoholism, I pushed people away who dared care about me. I had no value, nothing worth caring about, why let them in?

I hope you'll do whatever it takes to stop drinking for good before it stops you.

turniptheheat

I used to drink to turn off my brain, but I've found better ways to handle turning of my brain being sober. Meditation is very useful and I used to seriously cringe when anyone suggested meditation. It's not a one time deal with meditation. If you make a habit of it (I started with once a week), you will start seeing some dividends over time. There are a lot of different types of meditation, and it can even vary with from teacher to teacher. One of the types you may find useful, is guided meditation. If you don't like a certain teacher, try another.

turniptheheat

As an aside, if you decide to leave, I understand and you'll be missed. However, alcohol is a cruel master. If you reflect back to 2015 and some of the circumstances that you dealt with back then, you'll see it. Once you cross that line into drinking that causes consequences, it only gets worse the longer you're out there. I hope you get sober sooner rather than later.

thomas11

Thank you, but I have no idea how I helped you get sober. YOu are the one who has gotten straightened out and done great things, not me.

thomas11

perfect.....

Kdon853

Not going to lecture you, Good luck hope to see you back in the forum soon. If we don’t hear from you I hope you find peace and are good space. Stay warm it’s damn cold where you are.

BlueBirdie

I’ve never posted here but I’ve been here for about 6 years & this hits me hard.

I’ve been following your story from the beginning & rooting for you and hearing you will be stepping away scares me. You sharing your ups and downs, periods of sobriety then struggling and sharing your journey back through to overcome the destruction, all of it has helped me so much.

Music is a huge trigger for me, there are so many songs, entire albums actually, that I can no longer listen too, I know where it’ll take me. It’s like I crave the pain just to feel something then I crave the numbness. I can taste the burn of the alcohol while the tears burn my eyes when I realize how painful it is to be wrapped up & bound by addiction, it’s so hard.
I can no longer go there with certain music, I will literally change the radio station because I know how it ends. It seems music triggers you too, yes?

You were getting sober at times I was struggling, you gave me hope and I would tell myself if you could do this I could too. When you’ve fallen and picked yourself up I would feel so much hope for you & at the same time, as selfish as it sounds, to me anyway, reading your painful posts & the misery you experienced after a binge kept me from picking up a drink.


You are WORTH IT, I promise, we all are, no matter how many times we fall, what matters is what you do after we get back up.

I don’t even know who you are yet you’ve had a huge impact on my life as well as my husband, I’ve shared your story with him and kept him updated him on how you were doing over the years.
He got sober one year before me. He’s a big tough guy, 3 time All American Collegiate Wrestler, done lots of crazy stuff, he was an MMA fighter, but alcohol knocked him out everytime he tried to fight it, he’s stubborn and doesn’t like to lose and he fought hard. He couldn’t win, he chose to surrender, one of the hardest things he’s ever done & I know you can too.

Please stay with us, I need to start posting too because this last year has been hell. The thoughts of drinking creep in when I feel like everything is out of control & so much seems out of our control right now, but picking up a drink is like giving away all of our power, we are powerless over alcohol, if you don’t take the drink the drink can’t take you.

Choose you Jeff, choose to love yourself, your sorted past you speak about, the things your proud of, your flaws, it’s all part of your story, you can’t change any of of it but you get to choose how this next chapter starts.

I used to go to AA but I haven’t in a while, the one thing that stuck with me is the saying “just do the next right thing”. It’s helped me so much to pause and remind myself that I can only control how I react & to just do the next right thing, the serenity prayer is said often in my head too.

I hope you reconsider your choice to step away but if you do take a break just know that you have so many people silently rooting for you hoping that you’ll be back & ready to put yourself first.

BlueBirdie

I know you mentioned treatment a couple of weeks ago, I had to go twice, 01/2015 & again 09/2015. I had no choice if I wanted to survive, I had a husband and 4 children watching me destroy myself, physically & emotionally.

I didn’t want to go, I was ashamed but I was also scared, I knew alcohol would kill me, be it the alcohol itself or by my own hand while intoxicated. I got to a point that I was scared to drink & scared not to drink.

I know you didn’t ask for advice but if this is an option for you I hope you consider it.

Reid82

Stay safe Jeff, first and foremost. We're always going to be here for you.

courage2

Thank you for your post, BlueBirdie.

fini

welcome, BlueBirdie, and your heartfelt empathetic post to Jeff really touched me.
glad you came out of lurking!