I drank again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Please, I will go to bed now but I see there are others in need. I will be ok, please take your help elsewhere. I feel so guilty for using this space. Help the others who need it. Thank you but I am ok,going to bed.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Lots of us here care about what you are doing and putting yourself through. Your timeline and mine link up pretty tightly here. I can still recall where I was a few summers ago responding to a thread of yours. As a father I can both relate to the pain you are causing yourself and, at the same time, feel frustrated with your decisions to drink. There is only one solution for you and your children and it is right in front of you. What can do you now to start down the road of permanent sobriety?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Mera
Support is not a finite quantity. There will always be support for you.
I understand you feel badly and that you’re already beating yourself up.
I understand that some posts may not feel helpful to you.
Please don’t think tho that, because some posts may contain an element of criticism, that that’s a reflection on your self-worth.
It’s not.
You are you and that’s a good thing. To badly paraphrase Dr Seuss, there is not anyone better at being Mera than you.
My addiction used to grind me down terribly. Nothing was ever good enough, and when I was criticised in anyway by someone else that justified all the self flagellation I put myself through...I was ‘stupid’ I was ‘horrible‘ I was
‘incapable’, I was doomed to forever get it wrong and suffer...and I went to pieces....and straight to a drink.
Getting sober and staying that way helped me see how good and decent I was, and how capable and how truly powerful, as opposed to powerless, I could be.
There’s not one of us here who hasn’t been pulled up by another here including me.
Sometimes I find the criticism warranted, sometimes not, but what recovery gives me is the perspective to make that call.
Some of the best posts here for me have been the ones I did not read or the ones I originally seethed at.
99% of the time folks here post in a spirit of helpfulness.
Nevertheless, If there’s a post or a PM that upsets you, or one where you find the criticism unwarranted, you can absolutely use the ignore function.
If you feel a rule has been broken anytime you can report the offending post or PM.
We all want you to assume your power Mera
D
Support is not a finite quantity. There will always be support for you.
I understand you feel badly and that you’re already beating yourself up.
I understand that some posts may not feel helpful to you.
Please don’t think tho that, because some posts may contain an element of criticism, that that’s a reflection on your self-worth.
It’s not.
You are you and that’s a good thing. To badly paraphrase Dr Seuss, there is not anyone better at being Mera than you.
My addiction used to grind me down terribly. Nothing was ever good enough, and when I was criticised in anyway by someone else that justified all the self flagellation I put myself through...I was ‘stupid’ I was ‘horrible‘ I was
‘incapable’, I was doomed to forever get it wrong and suffer...and I went to pieces....and straight to a drink.
Getting sober and staying that way helped me see how good and decent I was, and how capable and how truly powerful, as opposed to powerless, I could be.
There’s not one of us here who hasn’t been pulled up by another here including me.
Sometimes I find the criticism warranted, sometimes not, but what recovery gives me is the perspective to make that call.
Some of the best posts here for me have been the ones I did not read or the ones I originally seethed at.
99% of the time folks here post in a spirit of helpfulness.
Nevertheless, If there’s a post or a PM that upsets you, or one where you find the criticism unwarranted, you can absolutely use the ignore function.
If you feel a rule has been broken anytime you can report the offending post or PM.
We all want you to assume your power Mera
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Mera
Support is not a finite quantity. There will always be support for you.
I understand you feel badly and that you’re already beating yourself up.
I understand that some posts may not feel helpful to you.
Please don’t think tho that, because some posts may contain an element of criticism, that that’s a reflection on your self-worth.
It’s not.
You are you and that’s a good thing. To badly paraphrase Dr Seuss, there is not anyone better at being Mera than you.
My addiction used to grind me down terribly. Nothing was ever good enough, and when I was criticised in anyway by someone else that justified all the self flagellation I put myself through...I was ‘stupid’ I was ‘horrible‘ I was
‘incapable’, I was doomed to forever get it wrong and suffer...and I went to pieces....and straight to a drink.
Getting sober and staying that way helped me see how good and decent I was, and how capable and how truly powerful, as opposed to powerless, I could be.
There’s not one of us here who hasn’t been pulled up by another here including me.
Sometimes I find the criticism warranted, sometimes not, but what recovery gives me is the perspective to make that call.
Some of the best posts here for me have been the ones I did not read or the ones I originally seethed at.
99% of the time folks here post in a spirit of helpfulness.
Nevertheless, If there’s a post or a PM that upsets you, or one where you find the criticism unwarranted, you can absolutely use the ignore function.
If you feel a rule has been broken anytime you can report the offending post or PM.
We all want you to assume your power Mera
D
Support is not a finite quantity. There will always be support for you.
I understand you feel badly and that you’re already beating yourself up.
I understand that some posts may not feel helpful to you.
Please don’t think tho that, because some posts may contain an element of criticism, that that’s a reflection on your self-worth.
It’s not.
You are you and that’s a good thing. To badly paraphrase Dr Seuss, there is not anyone better at being Mera than you.
My addiction used to grind me down terribly. Nothing was ever good enough, and when I was criticised in anyway by someone else that justified all the self flagellation I put myself through...I was ‘stupid’ I was ‘horrible‘ I was
‘incapable’, I was doomed to forever get it wrong and suffer...and I went to pieces....and straight to a drink.
Getting sober and staying that way helped me see how good and decent I was, and how capable and how truly powerful, as opposed to powerless, I could be.
There’s not one of us here who hasn’t been pulled up by another here including me.
Sometimes I find the criticism warranted, sometimes not, but what recovery gives me is the perspective to make that call.
Some of the best posts here for me have been the ones I did not read or the ones I originally seethed at.
99% of the time folks here post in a spirit of helpfulness.
Nevertheless, If there’s a post or a PM that upsets you, or one where you find the criticism unwarranted, you can absolutely use the ignore function.
If you feel a rule has been broken anytime you can report the offending post or PM.
We all want you to assume your power Mera
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Here I am, good morning.
Was rehashing past visits with the CTU. I just love talking about my kids and how much I love them. Oh the rape? from 23 years ago. Yes, that happened. What happened? well... you know. Oh sorry you don't more specific? So I was walking through a parking garage after a party at a different college. There is this elevator that goes up just 4 floors, it is a well known shortcut to get to another street, kind of a hilly area. So I get in the elevator and don't even ask me how this is possible but this guy appears and jumps up and rips the electric EXIT sign off the ceiling and stuffs it down his shirt and gets in the elevator. More? Ok, so the doors close and then he pushes the emergency stop button and well you know... Oh you don't? Ok, so I back into the corner and... you got it? Ok. Where was the blood coming from? What? Um... well not my two broken ribs or my broken clavicle, actually, how funny, the word is the same in both English and Italian, just pronounced differently, my vagina. That is where the blood was coming from. So glad we could talk about this today, I loved sharing this in front of 3 strangers while being audio and video recorded with my narcissist ex sitting next to me. I hope that clears up some questions you had about my parenting.
Was rehashing past visits with the CTU. I just love talking about my kids and how much I love them. Oh the rape? from 23 years ago. Yes, that happened. What happened? well... you know. Oh sorry you don't more specific? So I was walking through a parking garage after a party at a different college. There is this elevator that goes up just 4 floors, it is a well known shortcut to get to another street, kind of a hilly area. So I get in the elevator and don't even ask me how this is possible but this guy appears and jumps up and rips the electric EXIT sign off the ceiling and stuffs it down his shirt and gets in the elevator. More? Ok, so the doors close and then he pushes the emergency stop button and well you know... Oh you don't? Ok, so I back into the corner and... you got it? Ok. Where was the blood coming from? What? Um... well not my two broken ribs or my broken clavicle, actually, how funny, the word is the same in both English and Italian, just pronounced differently, my vagina. That is where the blood was coming from. So glad we could talk about this today, I loved sharing this in front of 3 strangers while being audio and video recorded with my narcissist ex sitting next to me. I hope that clears up some questions you had about my parenting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Geez now you've got me worried your reply to my previous post was sarcastic and I didn't actually help at all.
I hope thats not the case?
I'm sorry that you had to go through that once, let alone again in such a brutal way, Mera.
I think you must be very strong to have dealt with that, as well as all the other things you've shared and the aftermath of custody battles, being separated from your family, COVID, and of course alcoholism.
I was strong too - and tough - and once I reclaimed that toughness and started to use that against my alcoholism I started to get somewhere.
I can only say again though - this isn't fight club Mera...you have a lot of friends and supporters here @ SR.
If some posts try to help, but instead get under your skin, please consider using the ignore function and let it go.
D
I hope thats not the case?
I'm sorry that you had to go through that once, let alone again in such a brutal way, Mera.
I think you must be very strong to have dealt with that, as well as all the other things you've shared and the aftermath of custody battles, being separated from your family, COVID, and of course alcoholism.
I was strong too - and tough - and once I reclaimed that toughness and started to use that against my alcoholism I started to get somewhere.
I can only say again though - this isn't fight club Mera...you have a lot of friends and supporters here @ SR
.If some posts try to help, but instead get under your skin, please consider using the ignore function and let it go.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
No it wasn’t sarcastic, I really appreciate the help. Just was thinking all night about the stress that these appointments cause me. I have one on Friday, this time just with the CTP, not everyone but still, I absolutely hate going to these. It has become a phobia even. I actually was happy for COVID and a break in some of this. But now it is back on, despite the new lockdown and I have to show up. I don’t want to. It is torture for me. But I have to be an adult and face it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,061
I can relate to how damaging reliving old traumas in a therapy setting can be. And yes for me it became a phobia too. I would leave shaking, like the events had just happened. I had to stop attending as it was threatening my sobriety and my sanity. I realise this is not an option for you but I wanted to empathise and let you know that I have my understanding.
It sounds like you are being given impossible hoops to jump through. I am not surprised you are struggling.
You are a strong determined lady. I am sure you will turn this around. Rooting for you as always.
It sounds like you are being given impossible hoops to jump through. I am not surprised you are struggling.
You are a strong determined lady. I am sure you will turn this around. Rooting for you as always.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm glad I read it without cynicism
Have to be an adult?
Yeah you do.
Meeting all those responsibilities however onerous, fair or not means that you have the best case for access to your kids.
Building a tough and resilient recovery plan and a support network that you can call on in times of stress instead of drinking is part of those responsibilities too.
Having help is allowed
Use your strength and your survival skills for you and against the addiction that's trying to keep you from everyone and everything you love, Mera.
It will leave you lying in a pine box if you let it.
It really is that fundamental.
D
Have to be an adult?
Yeah you do.
Meeting all those responsibilities however onerous, fair or not means that you have the best case for access to your kids.
Building a tough and resilient recovery plan and a support network that you can call on in times of stress instead of drinking is part of those responsibilities too.
Having help is allowed
Use your strength and your survival skills for you and against the addiction that's trying to keep you from everyone and everything you love, Mera.
It will leave you lying in a pine box if you let it.
It really is that fundamental.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Yes, thank you! That is exactly it. For years I have thought therapy was the answer but honestly when I took a long break during the previous COVID period I started thriving. I just felt so good getting on with life and not going over and over and over all the crap.
This is so embarrassing, having a complete and total meltdown on the internet.
I have got to stop feeling so victimized. I know this is a huge problem of mine. I go to these appointments completely on the defensive. I cannot do that. They are not trying to attack me even when everything they says feels like criticism or critique. They are just trying to protect my kids from the monster that is their mother.
This is so embarrassing, having a complete and total meltdown on the internet.
I have got to stop feeling so victimized. I know this is a huge problem of mine. I go to these appointments completely on the defensive. I cannot do that. They are not trying to attack me even when everything they says feels like criticism or critique. They are just trying to protect my kids from the monster that is their mother.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
We once spent a good 45 minutes discussing how I took the kids to the grocery store with me and how bad this was and I should be better organized and go when they are not with me. I mean what?!?! I see parents with kids all the time in the grocery store. They like going and helping pick out the food. From top to bottom every single thing I do, say or feel is evaluated.
once it was that I hugged my older son too much. He’s 12 so apparently I should stop doing that in case I stir up some sexual longings in him. But it is fine that he and his brother still sleep all together in the bed with their father. Ok, less hugging, got it.
I am not allowed to say that I miss my kids because that means I don’t recognize what I have done or what is in their best interest. I am not allowed to have two different emotions at the same time- that of missing my kids and also recognizing my mistakes.
again, I get that my actions have led me here but I also think even the strongest amongst us would be pushed to the edge of sanity.
once it was that I hugged my older son too much. He’s 12 so apparently I should stop doing that in case I stir up some sexual longings in him. But it is fine that he and his brother still sleep all together in the bed with their father. Ok, less hugging, got it.
I am not allowed to say that I miss my kids because that means I don’t recognize what I have done or what is in their best interest. I am not allowed to have two different emotions at the same time- that of missing my kids and also recognizing my mistakes.
again, I get that my actions have led me here but I also think even the strongest amongst us would be pushed to the edge of sanity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
After a session with the court ordered psychologist watching us, while being video and audio recorded in this random office with a set of plastic animals and some baby dolls they said I didn’t play well enough with my kids. I was paralyzed with fear, the kids could not give a single **** about the toys provided, I tried my best to make up some game about the dolls and the animals but it was so out of the ordinary for all of us it was just a bust. So because I was not a good enough actress I was pushed back even more months.
resentments much? Yeah, I know, I should work on that.
resentments much? Yeah, I know, I should work on that.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Two things you said that struck me: "I have get to stop feeling so victimized" and "I don't feel like I'm being heard". I couldn't stop the victim mentality and heal until I felt heard. I did that by using a website like this for people who have been through the same thing. There's just something about being around people who get it. I don't know how you should do that but being heard is so important.
The things you describe are bizarre to me. It seems unethical for someone to force you to talk about your rape especially when your not in a private setting.
The things you describe are bizarre to me. It seems unethical for someone to force you to talk about your rape especially when your not in a private setting.
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