Meraviglioso

No, with covid I can't travel and my mom and her partner and also my dad are being really super careful. They love me to death but I know they wouldn't want me to be in the house right now.

I'm going to get on with it. I have said before there are few positive things I can think to say about myself, but one thing is I never, ever stop trying. I get beaten down and get back up. I love the verse in "The Boxer" by Simon and Garfunkel:

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
"I am leaving, I am leaving"
But the fighter still remains.

Meraviglioso

And yes, I am well aware of the analogy that drinking is like getting into the ring again and we always have the choice to not get into the ring. I hold onto these lines more in that I keep fighting for sobriety and the good life I want and my kids deserve.

I will say one other good thing about myself, when I am not drinking I am a massively good mom. I love these kids, install in them values and care and concern for others. I've been good this year too to prepare for the Christmas stress, I have already completed all of my shopping and perfectly, beautifully wrapped everything. I won't have any last minute stress this year. I plan to do breakfast with the kids, so I hope being a morning occasion I will wake up and be and stay sober. No, I know I will.

Wastinglife

No judgment from me Mera. I've been on this forum for 8 years now because I mess up all the time. Longest time sober is 10.months. My mother was an alcoholic and it killed her. She was in denial though.

The important thing is to realize that we all here have a lifetime conditon that will never go away. We can make it dormant though. I've been fighting off the urges recently. I am the type of drinker that empties his bank account over 2 day period. All on booze.

I hope you are doing better. You sound like a great mother who just has an addiction getting in the way. Try again! I will always try again.

silentrun

You are a good mom. I've noticed that from reading your posts. Your love for them shines through. I learned to take some of that motherly love and use it on myself. You will do whatever you have to do to free yourself. That's how it's going to be from now on.

Meraviglioso

That is incredibly uplifting, thank you. I think often we discount how much a kind word means to another. A simple comment like this has changed my whole day, can you imagine the power you have? Thank you and thank you again. I will work to do better thanks to your words.

silentrun

Thank you! You just pointed to the off ramp of some very painful thought patterns I couldn't get out of. The power of the words in is their truthfulness. I keep wanting to tell off people that project onto me. I keep saying to myself I'm a coward and need to stick up for myself. The words I would say to them would hurt them deeply because they are true. I don't say them because I'm not the kind of person that hurts people, not out of cowardice. Time to let it go and get my peace back so THANK YOU.

Obladi

Hey Mera -

You're sounding a bit better. It's apparent to me as well that you are a good mom. Imagine how much better it would be for you to not have to live with the quiet desperation and shame of being an active alcoholic ever again. It's possible and its amazing. I sure wish I'd done that when my kids were your age, but I didn't even really get started into the big league until they were in their teens. What a mess that was.

Did you put down the booze yet?

Your friendly neighborhood drunk,
O

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

I am so glad you came here and posted, I am sorry that you are struggling with drinking again.

I know you miss your family, and Covid has definitely made this year more difficult for all of us. I am glad you are finding some ways to take care of your mental health. I know how much you love your boys, and I am sure that had to be so difficult when your son came in on Thanksgiving. I am glad you were honest with him, and you can hear how proud you are of him for how he handled the situation.

I just want you to know how much you are loved and that you have an entire online community here to support you.

Sending you so much love Mera!

❤️ Delilah

Meraviglioso

Yes, I have put down the wine. I am learning the 24 hour point which is critical, that first day is some important. I have had this little trick these past few days of saving just a bit of wine so I could wake up to it the next morning. My reasoning was "oh you know, withdrawals" I woke up again this morning and found that bottle with about an inch of wine left it, not nearly enough to feel anything, but way more than enough to start the fire. Not today I decided and poured it.

I received the kindest voice message from the family psychologist. She, intentionally or unintentionally, gave me permission to stop hating myself so much.

It was the first time I didn't feel so attacked over what I have done and who I am. This has been so frustrating and demoralising, all of it. Literally everything I have been asked I have done and yet no progress has been made, I haven't seen any benefits and so some days, like a holiday or birthday the sadness becomes too much and I think screw it. But I know that my goal should be focussed on simply sparing my children from more hard, I am not doing these things for the other people, but for them. So even if there is no progress I need to keep going.

Go to rehab? Ok
You want all of the clinical records from rehab including notes from private and group appointments, all of my thoughts and feelings to be shared with all of you? Ok, here they are.
You want me to see a new psychiatrist and get back on med? yes, done.
Weekly appointments with a person psychologist? yes
Family counselling session? Ok, just tell me when.
An educator to come into my house once a week to check my house and observe me as I play with the kids? Sure, why not?
You want my medical records from my family doctor including every cold, flu, gynological issue? Here they are?
Outpatien rehab? Ok
urine tests, blood tests, hair tests? Yes, i'll go as many times as you ask.
Meetings with the CTU and a CTP? Yes, again yes
Just don't drink? Ok, I won't
Mandatory participation in a group sports activity? I like that idea
Being social with the other moms from school? Ok, weird in that I never see them because my kids don't spend the night with me so I never take them to school and I am not allowed to pick them up, but yes, I have done that too, calling up random moms to say hi and meet for coffee.
You want notes from my psychologist, the outpatient centre? Have at it
You want a private meeting with my psychologist in which I am not allowed to be present? Yes, I give you permission.

I feel like the only thing missing is that they are going to start asking for weekly health check-ups with a doctor of their choice, that of course I have to pay for, which include a genealogical exam and a colonoscopy. I seriously don't know what else they want of me and even when I reach perfection- no drinking, clean medical tests, good updates from the millions of doctors, I never am close enough. Nothing has changed in over two and a half years. I jump through every hoop thinking this might be the key to getting my kids back and they just keep moving the finish line. I know, I am completely aware that all of this is because of my own actions, my drinking. I know and accept that. But how long do i have to pay the price before I can even be given the opportunity to try?

I don't even know how to act anymore. If I say how much I miss my kids and want more time with them they tell me I am being "hysterical and needy" If I stay calm and don't ask questions they say I am bing "cold and don't care about seeing my kids.

What do they want from me, other than perfection, 150% compliance, which I have given them for long periods of time. Then when absolutely nothing changes I just get destroyed by the fight and collapse. But, time to get back up again. Even if I never can have my kids with me again I want them to know how hard I tried for them, how much I love them.

Aellyce

Glad to hear you've put down the wine, Mera. One question though because I'm not sure I understand your post. Who are "they"? The people that expect/demand all those things from you? Is it about trying to get the custody of your kids back? It's definitely a lot and sounds quite intrusive, I'm not surprised it throws you off balance.

Meraviglioso

yes, “they” are the court ordered psychologists who are monitoring the situation. They have literally had me write out an entire explanation, with medical records and various doctor’s opinions explaining a medically necessary (and extremely painful emotionally) abortion. This incident has absolutely nothing to do with my kids, I had hoped would remain private, but as it is listed in the records of my GP I had to give an explanation. I am expected to faithfully attend various therapy appointments all with the knowledge that every word I say will be reported. How is this helpful if I don’t feel I have a sage and private space to talk? But I do, I am generally always honest in the hopes that someone out there will recognize the gaslighting and torture (yes, I used such a strong word) I am being put through.

Meraviglioso

And let me just say I am well aware that the fact I use the word “torture “ and feel persecuted plays into the victim mentality they are trying to push. So with them I try to never bring this up. But seriously, I have had to explain an abortion, my sexual history, every cough sniffle and sneeze I have ever had. I get bringing my alcoholism and depression into play but where does this stop? What defines the line of privacy and “need to know”?

Aellyce

My gosh, that indeed sounds insane. Is it even fully legal to demand all those things for a custody case? Do you have a good lawyer helping you?

Meraviglioso

I do. But apparently this is how it works here. To be clear I have not been some falling down drunk mom. I have made mistakes, this I admit freely, but I have also always done anything asked of me, including waking at 5 am to pepare a 3 course lunch for my kids who I will never see. Their father can’t cope (fair enough) so I get up early and prepare a full lunch plus a snack that they come and pick up before school. I never see them, they simply come in the morning and grab the bags then drop them to be refilled in the afternoon. I do it with pleasure, but someone, somewhere has to understand how painful this is.

Aellyce

That sounds like a pretty flawed system. Psychologists monitoring all of it, but it does not seem like they understand how addiction recovery works. That thing about the abortion... oh my! I can't believe professionals would dredge something like that up in such a case, it may not be illegal but sounds quite unethical and even irrelevant. Even things like pushing to be social with other moms and participate in sports - what's the effing point of those in a. custody case, and in proving that you are competent? If you have no choice though, I guess the best thing you can do is focus on your sobriety and doing things that support it. Maybe just follow those psychologists' demands to the minimum possible, just give them the info they absolutely need, because if you are too generous and open with information, they may just bring up more and more. Of course if your relapses become known to all these people, that does not help to advocate for your competency, but the stress of all the demands contribute to the slips I am sure. It sounds like a very difficult vicious circle, I am so sorry Mera that you have to go through this!

Meraviglioso

They explained it by saying that an abortion has an affect on my mental health, therefore they needed to know about it, if even if happened before the period of monitoring. The forced sports and meeting with other moms is because they believe my isolation contributes to my alcoholism and depression so I need to show that I am working against that. Dubious at best...

Meraviglioso

Not sure why they need everything else but what’s, at this point I am used to giving up all of my privacy.

Anna

I know this is a very frustrating situation for you, Mera and I'm sorry you have to go through this. Your drinking has caused so much pain in your life. Sadly, you have no choice in the situation if you want to spend time with your boys. You must do what the system demands and there is no way around that. Keep your focus on your sobriety, your children and creating an enjoyable life for yourself. It all fits together.

KissMyTiara

When your oldest son called you out for drinking on Thanksgiving, did he tell his father? Who would report to the courts or whatever the system is? Will this be a setback in your custody? Mera, this will never end as long as you drink. Your children are getting older and they understand more. As much as you want to be with them, please understand when they are of age and can choose for themselves you may have distanced them so much they may not choose you. I certainly hope not.

Meraviglioso

First, yes, I actually encouraged him to call his father if that made him feel safer, so he did. It was immediately reported to the courts, so everyone- all doctors, psychologists, lawyers, etc etc know.

But now KissMyTiara, I want to know how I can help you. I have noticed that you recently (years like) have nothing but harsh words and criticism for others. I believe in tough love, although I am not personally one who benefits from that, but I wonder more about you. You never, ever speak of yourself, your struggle, what you are going through. You simply choose to come on and hit at tothers- possibly in a way they need to hear, so thank you for that. But I wanted to reach out to you and know if there is anything we can do for you, you have shared so little about yourself, only offering criticisism and harsh words to others. To me this indicated pain on your behalf. If I, or we, can help, I would be happy to do so.