I drank again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I drank again
I was so moved by Aellyce's honesty I decided to be honest myself. I had been doing really well but on Thanksgiving I drank. I knew it was coming and did try to help myself before hand but didn't do enough, most importantly not coming here. I was just so embarrassed. I know holidays and birthdays are my weakest moments. Some people move abroad and have a great life, I am not one of those people. I suffer and miss home so much. The holidays really bring this to light for me. I had called a friend and asked if she wanted to come over for the day but she is in quarantine because her mom tested positive. I also reached out to my psychologist and others, but wasn't completely honest about how afraid I was. It was more of a check in call, saying I thought I could manage. But I couldn't. I drank on Thanksgiving while cooking by myself. When my kids came in the evening my older son immediately knew. Even in the dark, outside from 5 meters away. I wasn't fall down drunk, I had only had 2 glasses of wine, but he knew right away and refused to come in the house. He was very brave and good at protecting himself and I am extremely proud of him for this. He said "mommy, you are drinking, i don't want to be around you" He also had the bravery to tell me how angry and hurt he was and ask the question "can you at least answer one question? Why? why do you do this?" So I told him my answer and apologised but they did leave and I had a whole turkey dinner that went to waste. The next day there was an appointment with the educator who comes to supervise and help both me and my ex be better parents. It was awful, I felt attacked and misunderstood and like no one was listening to me. Yesterday there was the regular family counselling appointment which I think went well, she is a good doctor and helped the kids express their feeling and asked good questions of me to help me explain. But I drank the entire day after the appointment and am now up early drinking the leftover wine. I know I need to stop this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Mera!
I hope you don't have any more wine in the house! You know you need to get off the ride, so I won't try to make you feel bad. What do you think you can do to prevent another relapse?
Hang in there! This time of pandemic is really hard, all of us are feeling it!
I hope you don't have any more wine in the house! You know you need to get off the ride, so I won't try to make you feel bad. What do you think you can do to prevent another relapse? Hang in there! This time of pandemic is really hard, all of us are feeling it!
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I've always been impressed by people who own up. I'm not sure I could do it after the fact. I made a promise to myself that if I ever drink I have to come on here and announce it before I do. Would that help you?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
I’m not sure. For some reason reaching out for help is very difficult for me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry you drank Mera,
For me recovery has been all about finding other ways to deal with my fear and disappointments. my anger and my feelings of not measuring up.
The funny thing is the more you face and deal with these things without running away and drinking the more you become the person you want to be
D
For me recovery has been all about finding other ways to deal with my fear and disappointments. my anger and my feelings of not measuring up.
The funny thing is the more you face and deal with these things without running away and drinking the more you become the person you want to be
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 112
What's done is done. Learn from it and move on. I see your weaknesses moments are "holidays and birthdays." These are two events where you are expected to have fun and many people tend to drink. That tells me your brain still correlates "fun and alcohol," together. You've got to get away from that way of thinking. It's not fun for people like us. It might be for others but we are not like others. They go home after they drink we post on SR and end up with a lot of self-hate.
Always play the tape forward as well. How did it feel next day now knowing you have to go back to Day-1? Not good I'm guessing. You want that feeling again? I know you don't, you deserve better.
Always play the tape forward as well. How did it feel next day now knowing you have to go back to Day-1? Not good I'm guessing. You want that feeling again? I know you don't, you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hi Mera....
You've been here a long, long time. You keep coming back. You've had a number of knockdowns of your own choosing. That's not at all unusual.
This one can be your last one, if you choose it!
You know this.
Like you, I hadn't been coming back here much because I was letting a substance get in the way. Thankfully, my sobriety from alcohol holds strong. My choice to allow cannabis back in my life hasn't really been a positive choice. And one of the subtle but important impacts it had was a sense of shame keeping me from being here. Yet, being here has been a key tool in my sobriety for most of the nearly 7 years I've been sober. So, not coming here regularly undermined my sobriety and my choices.
Let's stick around.
Together.
You've been here a long, long time. You keep coming back. You've had a number of knockdowns of your own choosing. That's not at all unusual.
This one can be your last one, if you choose it!
You know this.
Like you, I hadn't been coming back here much because I was letting a substance get in the way. Thankfully, my sobriety from alcohol holds strong. My choice to allow cannabis back in my life hasn't really been a positive choice. And one of the subtle but important impacts it had was a sense of shame keeping me from being here. Yet, being here has been a key tool in my sobriety for most of the nearly 7 years I've been sober. So, not coming here regularly undermined my sobriety and my choices.
Let's stick around.
Together.
Erica375
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: MA
Posts: 493
(((Mera))) you are so brave. I know how hard it is to come clean. I didn't want to after my doctor visit debacle, but now I'm so grateful I did.
I also know how horrible it feels to be confronted by your child about drinking. Ouch. But maybe try to use this; not to add more shame, but as motivation.
It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to cry. Just get through one day without drinking, then go from there.
I also know how horrible it feels to be confronted by your child about drinking. Ouch. But maybe try to use this; not to add more shame, but as motivation.
It's ok to feel bad, it's ok to cry. Just get through one day without drinking, then go from there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I'm so sorry, but glad you came here to talk about it. 
I don't have children, that part must be the hardest. Are they also the reason you stay far from home - you spoke about not being happy there several times before as well well and missing home. Would it be possible to come back for a while though, a few months perhaps, given that the kids don't live with you now anyway? I know COVID, but maybe a bit later in the spring when the current wave settles down and perhaps a vaccine is also becoming more and more available? I completely understand the negative environment thing because I also experienced it before many years ago, living in an environment very incompatible with me was when my alcoholism really escalated.
What I'm personally doing now for my sobriety is very intense, almost like I've set up a form of "intensive outpatient" program for myself and I am at it many hours every day. Also talk about it here and in the online meetings I attend daily. When I am not actually in the middle of a strong craving, it's actually quite exciting and engaging, no place for dullness. I often have moments when I want to escape (i.e. not stick with my plan) and go back to my old way even if it's not drinking, but I force myself and never regret it for a second afterward. I've also learned so many new ways to deal with the cravings this week, it's super helpful.
It was also always very difficult for me to reach out for help until about a week ago. One thing that makes it easier sometimes is not actually looking at it as "reaching out for help", more just sharing with others my story and what I am doing now. People are more than eager to help in recovery communities if I let them, but I need to follow through and make my efforts consistently every day, it's ultimately me who has to get through those urges to drink, which often last for hours. Also very true what all the wonderful sober people and literature say about lifestyle changes. I do believe that, in order to make this sobering up last (be permanent), we need dramatic changes... I know because I had been doing the opposite for many years myself. It's more than just "keep trying" is how I feel, now I really feel it in a way that was never the case before. I think what AA says about the "psychic change" is very true as well, even if one does not arrive there through that particular program.
I hope you will feel better soon (((Mera)))
I don't have children, that part must be the hardest. Are they also the reason you stay far from home - you spoke about not being happy there several times before as well well and missing home. Would it be possible to come back for a while though, a few months perhaps, given that the kids don't live with you now anyway? I know COVID, but maybe a bit later in the spring when the current wave settles down and perhaps a vaccine is also becoming more and more available? I completely understand the negative environment thing because I also experienced it before many years ago, living in an environment very incompatible with me was when my alcoholism really escalated.
What I'm personally doing now for my sobriety is very intense, almost like I've set up a form of "intensive outpatient" program for myself and I am at it many hours every day. Also talk about it here and in the online meetings I attend daily. When I am not actually in the middle of a strong craving, it's actually quite exciting and engaging, no place for dullness. I often have moments when I want to escape (i.e. not stick with my plan) and go back to my old way even if it's not drinking, but I force myself and never regret it for a second afterward. I've also learned so many new ways to deal with the cravings this week, it's super helpful.
It was also always very difficult for me to reach out for help until about a week ago. One thing that makes it easier sometimes is not actually looking at it as "reaching out for help", more just sharing with others my story and what I am doing now. People are more than eager to help in recovery communities if I let them, but I need to follow through and make my efforts consistently every day, it's ultimately me who has to get through those urges to drink, which often last for hours. Also very true what all the wonderful sober people and literature say about lifestyle changes. I do believe that, in order to make this sobering up last (be permanent), we need dramatic changes... I know because I had been doing the opposite for many years myself. It's more than just "keep trying" is how I feel, now I really feel it in a way that was never the case before. I think what AA says about the "psychic change" is very true as well, even if one does not arrive there through that particular program.
I hope you will feel better soon (((Mera)))
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
It is so good that you have posted about your relapse. The people come through on this forum with so much love and support. It amazes me. I can see everyone surrounding you with understanding and with encouragement. I believe that is what you truly need right now. Understanding and encouragement.
It sounds really rough to be dealing with counselors and other officials when it involves your children and parenting. I am not a parent and I cannot imagine the weight of all that you are going through. Then to deal with all of it abroad. My heart feels for your situation. Please know that you are not alone.
The cooking and wine has come up before in older posts. I do recall that there was a relapse involving the two. Not to bring up the past here. That is not my point. The point I am getting at is are you willing to cook without the wine? Make sure you are set up for success. If I had wine in my home, I am not sure how I would maintain after some time. Am I off base here? Forgive me if I am.
It sounds really rough to be dealing with counselors and other officials when it involves your children and parenting. I am not a parent and I cannot imagine the weight of all that you are going through. Then to deal with all of it abroad. My heart feels for your situation. Please know that you are not alone.
The cooking and wine has come up before in older posts. I do recall that there was a relapse involving the two. Not to bring up the past here. That is not my point. The point I am getting at is are you willing to cook without the wine? Make sure you are set up for success. If I had wine in my home, I am not sure how I would maintain after some time. Am I off base here? Forgive me if I am.
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