I drank again
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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It IS bizzarre and seems like a horror film. I have had only one person actually see this for what it is, witness it with his own eyes. A former psychiatrist (not that one!) who really started listening to me and when requested by my ex, agreed to meet with all of us together. He was like whoa whoa whoa, something is definitely not right here. He encouraged me to get a lawyer and as soon as my ex learned that he was loosing the grip of control over me as I had taken this step he doubled down and that is when the nightmare really began. He went to Rome and hired not one but two of the toughest lawyers in the country and this CTU/CTP stuff started. It doesn’t even seem real when I read it back. But it is, I am living it. The more they say I am crazy, the crazier I become. It is working and I can see it happening yet somehow cannot stop this train from crashing over me. I’ve got my “team” (lawyer, psychologist, psychiatrist) but I don’t even trust them. It is a nightmare I can’t wake up from and I have to deal with it every day of my life. I did have issues before this, I am not saying I didn’t, but this has pushed me off the deep end EVEN with be being fully aware that it was happening. I don’t know how to get out!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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I would honestly just give up, pack my bags and leave the country never to be seen again. But I simply cannot give up my kids. I will fight to the death for them. I never, ever want to think I didn’t try. Even if I lose, at least they know I tried. So on and on and on this goes. My ex has money to burn so he can keep this going forever. But I tell you what, I will go step and step with him and fight this insane battle until my very last breath. It exhausting, humiliating, absolute hell on earth, but I will never give up on my kids.
This is deeper than my alcoholism, they have dug up every last mistake I have ever made from drinking to dropping a glass while drying the dishes. Yes, that happened too. Stone cold sober I dropped a glass just as my ex arrived to get the kids and we had a whole session about the safety of my house. GLASS ON THE FLOOR GLASS ON THE FLOOR GLASS ON THE FLOOR. As if I didn’t immediately tell the children to stay out of the kitchen and clean it up.
just whatever, I am so over this. I am sorry for this massive vent but sometimes it is just too much and I explode.
good news is the kids are coming on Sunday (with supervision of course! Of course!) to set up the Christmas tree and they are excited about that.
This is deeper than my alcoholism, they have dug up every last mistake I have ever made from drinking to dropping a glass while drying the dishes. Yes, that happened too. Stone cold sober I dropped a glass just as my ex arrived to get the kids and we had a whole session about the safety of my house. GLASS ON THE FLOOR GLASS ON THE FLOOR GLASS ON THE FLOOR. As if I didn’t immediately tell the children to stay out of the kitchen and clean it up.
just whatever, I am so over this. I am sorry for this massive vent but sometimes it is just too much and I explode.
good news is the kids are coming on Sunday (with supervision of course! Of course!) to set up the Christmas tree and they are excited about that.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Sometimes my psychologist chimes in with a half-hearted “maybe we shouldn’t be so hard on her” or “is this extreme rigidity really necessary?” But for the most part I feel railroaded by everyone.
The psychiatrist who encouraged me to get a lawyer was a good advocate but unfortunately has been accused of a crime involving billing the national insurance for something and is on house arrest and cannot practice or speak to former clients. Perfect. Just what I needed.
The psychiatrist who encouraged me to get a lawyer was a good advocate but unfortunately has been accused of a crime involving billing the national insurance for something and is on house arrest and cannot practice or speak to former clients. Perfect. Just what I needed.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Sorry again for this absolutely massive breakdown and endless pages of whining and complaining, but I am not allowed to do it anywhere else. If I say that this is causing me stress they say I shouldn’t see my kids then. If I say I am sad, frustrated, god forbid say I am angry then I am not accepting my responsibility. If I ask a simple question like when they think things might change and I can have more access to my kids then uh-oh! That’s a sign that I am impulsive and impatient and definitely need to go to my psychiatrist more often and up my meds. I am not allowed to say anything other than “thank you for your fantastic help” to anyone. Even my lawyer, if I ask questions she just keeps saying I need to be patient.
I need to start thinking about this as a test I have to pass. They are doing everything to get me to break and then when I do “ah, see, you are crazy”. I have to just grin and bear it.
I need to start thinking about this as a test I have to pass. They are doing everything to get me to break and then when I do “ah, see, you are crazy”. I have to just grin and bear it.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey Mera,
I'm sorry that you are in such a state today. It sounds like you really feel trapped. That's a horrible place to be - especially when the only escape you seem to have is drinking. Believe me when I say I understand, I've been there. Was it as bad as all you are describing to us? Probably not, I don't know. It's hard to compare your pain to mine, and really there's no sense in even trying.
But Mera, there must be a way out. It's not likely to be a way you "like" or would "want" to do, but there must be a way nonetheless. I know little about your circumstances and nothing at all about Italian law, but it seems to me from a difference that the only way for you right now is a treatment facility. Perhaps one in the United States where you can get out from under all of this scrutiny and labeling you are feeling where you are. My judgement is clouded with my own experience, of course, but it took me a fair amount of "institutionalization" to get to the point where I could stop feeling victimized and start standing on my two feet.
Once you are put back together again, that's the time to tackle this Italian system if you must.
Don't you think?
Your couch-surfing alcoholic friend,
O
I'm sorry that you are in such a state today. It sounds like you really feel trapped. That's a horrible place to be - especially when the only escape you seem to have is drinking. Believe me when I say I understand, I've been there. Was it as bad as all you are describing to us? Probably not, I don't know. It's hard to compare your pain to mine, and really there's no sense in even trying.
But Mera, there must be a way out. It's not likely to be a way you "like" or would "want" to do, but there must be a way nonetheless. I know little about your circumstances and nothing at all about Italian law, but it seems to me from a difference that the only way for you right now is a treatment facility. Perhaps one in the United States where you can get out from under all of this scrutiny and labeling you are feeling where you are. My judgement is clouded with my own experience, of course, but it took me a fair amount of "institutionalization" to get to the point where I could stop feeling victimized and start standing on my two feet.
Once you are put back together again, that's the time to tackle this Italian system if you must.
Don't you think?
Your couch-surfing alcoholic friend,
O
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
And I know, I know, I know that there is not a chance of this getting better if I drink. Not a relapse only a few times a year, doesn’t matter if it is just a glass or eight bottles, not in private or a meltdown witnessed by my kids or ex. Not a drop. Ever.
At the same time it can’t seem to get any worse either. I don’t think it is possible for this to be any harder. So the stress pushes me right over the edge. I hold tight and then something like a birthday or holiday comes and I mourn all that I miss and bam! I wish I did not have to get sober through this (am not drinking now but I mean face the early days and really find solid sobriety). I wish I could just pause all of these endless meetings/controls/the bills that come with them and deal with it all when I am not already working on the hardest thing I need to.
But, life doesn’t work like that. So on I go, continuing to try.
At the same time it can’t seem to get any worse either. I don’t think it is possible for this to be any harder. So the stress pushes me right over the edge. I hold tight and then something like a birthday or holiday comes and I mourn all that I miss and bam! I wish I did not have to get sober through this (am not drinking now but I mean face the early days and really find solid sobriety). I wish I could just pause all of these endless meetings/controls/the bills that come with them and deal with it all when I am not already working on the hardest thing I need to.
But, life doesn’t work like that. So on I go, continuing to try.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Hi Mera, I just want to say that I can't even fathom the hoops that the system is making you jump through.
And, I admire your tenacity and your deep desire to keep on keeping on for your sons.
(as I was reading I thought to myself that I might feel like throwing in the towel but your very next post you said that you would never stop fighting for your sons, as it should be)
And, I admire your tenacity and your deep desire to keep on keeping on for your sons.
(as I was reading I thought to myself that I might feel like throwing in the towel but your very next post you said that you would never stop fighting for your sons, as it should be)
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Obladi 
Hey Mera,
I'm sorry that you are in such a state today. It sounds like you really feel trapped. That's a horrible place to be - especially when the only escape you seem to have is drinking. Believe me when I say I understand, I've been there. Was it as bad as all you are describing to us? Probably not, I don't know. It's hard to compare your pain to mine, and really there's no sense in even trying.
But Mera, there must be a way out. It's not likely to be a way you "like" or would "want" to do, but there must be a way nonetheless. I know little about your circumstances and nothing at all about Italian law, but it seems to me from a difference that the only way for you right now is a treatment facility. Perhaps one in the United States where you can get out from under all of this scrutiny and labeling you are feeling where you are. My judgement is clouded with my own experience, of course, but it took me a fair amount of "institutionalization" to get to the point where I could stop feeling victimized and start standing on my two feet.
Once you are put back together again, that's the time to tackle this Italian system if you must.
Don't you think?
Your couch-surfing alcoholic friend,
O
I'm sorry that you are in such a state today. It sounds like you really feel trapped. That's a horrible place to be - especially when the only escape you seem to have is drinking. Believe me when I say I understand, I've been there. Was it as bad as all you are describing to us? Probably not, I don't know. It's hard to compare your pain to mine, and really there's no sense in even trying.
But Mera, there must be a way out. It's not likely to be a way you "like" or would "want" to do, but there must be a way nonetheless. I know little about your circumstances and nothing at all about Italian law, but it seems to me from a difference that the only way for you right now is a treatment facility. Perhaps one in the United States where you can get out from under all of this scrutiny and labeling you are feeling where you are. My judgement is clouded with my own experience, of course, but it took me a fair amount of "institutionalization" to get to the point where I could stop feeling victimized and start standing on my two feet.
Once you are put back together again, that's the time to tackle this Italian system if you must.
Don't you think?
Your couch-surfing alcoholic friend,
O
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose
Hi Mera, I just want to say that I can't even fathom the hoops that the system is making you jump through.
And, I admire your tenacity and your deep desire to keep on keeping on for your sons.
(as I was reading I thought to myself that I might feel like throwing in the towel but your very next post you said that you would never stop fighting for your sons, as it should be)
And, I admire your tenacity and your deep desire to keep on keeping on for your sons.
(as I was reading I thought to myself that I might feel like throwing in the towel but your very next post you said that you would never stop fighting for your sons, as it should be)
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Well, my dear. You're not going to get to control the timeline, are you? I know it sucks, but facts are facts. Your long periods haven't been long enough yet. How long is the longest you've been sober since 3 years ago?
How about focusing every ounce of your energy on getting well? Wouldn't that be a way of controlling the timeline to the best of your ability?
Sounds like it sure couldn't make things any worse. And it is highly likely to make things better.
What about rehab?
How about focusing every ounce of your energy on getting well? Wouldn't that be a way of controlling the timeline to the best of your ability?
Sounds like it sure couldn't make things any worse. And it is highly likely to make things better.
What about rehab?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
It is a possibility, not in the US, I can’t afford it financially. But when I called my psychologist on Friday to tell her what happened she suggested one in northern Italy that apparently is very good. It is inpatient but the encourage you to leave the center each day to walk around town and try to replicate normal life a bit. She called the one I went to before a “parking lot” they just lock you up to dry out but not much else. I had actually liked my time there but maybe it would be better to practice real life with support. I have an appointment with her on Friday.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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Mera, I'm sorry that this is all so difficult for you and that you are struggling so much.
The only thing you can control right now is staying sober. Staying sober will help you to control the timeline which will give you more hope. The way to deal with birthdays and holidays is simply to get through them. Each time you get through a holiday or birthday without drinking, it will get easier the next time. And, you will feel and see that you are making progress. Maybe you could make up a specific written plan as to how to get through Christmas without drinking. Put in as much detail as you can. This will empower you.
The only thing you can control right now is staying sober. Staying sober will help you to control the timeline which will give you more hope. The way to deal with birthdays and holidays is simply to get through them. Each time you get through a holiday or birthday without drinking, it will get easier the next time. And, you will feel and see that you are making progress. Maybe you could make up a specific written plan as to how to get through Christmas without drinking. Put in as much detail as you can. This will empower you.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Thanks everyone for the continued support. I had my pity party, got out all my bottled up rage and have finally reached the point of acceptance again. I accept this is all happening because of my actions. I accept that even if I don’t like or agree with the methods being used I must follow what they tell me to do. I accept again that drinking is not an option. I accept that I have made mistakes and because of that do not have the life I want with my kids. And I accept myself.
yes, am already working on a plan for Christmas. My pattern is crystal clear so I must pepare well.
yes, am already working on a plan for Christmas. My pattern is crystal clear so I must pepare well.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Keep posting. Posting works for me because it keeps me from bottling stuff up until I am about to explode and pick up a bottle! Post frequently and often to keep the pressure from building. Before is way better than after for me! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I would second the meeting suggestions, Mera. I've grown to really enjoy my schedule of attending one each day. I'm going to different ones, not only AA, but the good things about the Zoom AA meetings is that there is such a great variety of them available, you would most likely find a couple that you find relatable and fitting your time zone. And if you don't like one, can just log off and try another, it's so much easier than real life meetings.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 104
Coming back to SR just now after a time away, I’m sorry to read about your current troubles. Going back to your rehab diaries you have consistently shown integrity, genuine empathy for others on and offline and most of all a deep and abiding commitment to your children. You have tried all sorts of things and shared those experiences in a way which really benefits the wider SR community.
I don't have any short term suggestions, just have no experience of the sort of challenges you face and I'm sure you will work out a path through. But just a couple of thoughts….
….no need to apologize at all, I didnt think your recent posts were self pitying, they were a valid response to a really tough situation and I think it's good you’re still fighting…
… however bad are the people and systems you are dealing with - and I'm sure they are, in ways I can’t imagine - the really enemy we all face is alcohol. The thing that really made sobriety stick for me was when I came to think of alcohol not as some sort of twisted friend but as a threat to my family and to families like yours. ‘Think’ is the wrong word, my deep seated, ingrained, emotional reaction to alcohol is what it would be to someone abusing my kids. Like you I, felt strong anger (about different things, to do with our kids health) and somehow that got subconsciously rewired to point at alcohol, which I was battling with. As you are...
Anyway, my thoughts are with you
ND
I don't have any short term suggestions, just have no experience of the sort of challenges you face and I'm sure you will work out a path through. But just a couple of thoughts….
….no need to apologize at all, I didnt think your recent posts were self pitying, they were a valid response to a really tough situation and I think it's good you’re still fighting…
… however bad are the people and systems you are dealing with - and I'm sure they are, in ways I can’t imagine - the really enemy we all face is alcohol. The thing that really made sobriety stick for me was when I came to think of alcohol not as some sort of twisted friend but as a threat to my family and to families like yours. ‘Think’ is the wrong word, my deep seated, ingrained, emotional reaction to alcohol is what it would be to someone abusing my kids. Like you I, felt strong anger (about different things, to do with our kids health) and somehow that got subconsciously rewired to point at alcohol, which I was battling with. As you are...
Anyway, my thoughts are with you
ND
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Hi Mera,
You have definitely had a rough time lately, and I am so sorry you are struggling. I’m glad you have an appointment on Friday, and if that doctor can help you get into the rehab in Northern Italy I think you should go. I was always so inspired by your posts when you were in rehab before, and it seemed to help you get into a good headspace, that might be exactly what you need right now. Take the time for you to reset and focus on just you and your sobriety and mental health. You’ve got so much on your plate, they might be able to help you come up with a plan for how you approach the situation with your ex and the hoops you are jumping through.
Continuing to send you so much love!❤️
You have definitely had a rough time lately, and I am so sorry you are struggling. I’m glad you have an appointment on Friday, and if that doctor can help you get into the rehab in Northern Italy I think you should go. I was always so inspired by your posts when you were in rehab before, and it seemed to help you get into a good headspace, that might be exactly what you need right now. Take the time for you to reset and focus on just you and your sobriety and mental health. You’ve got so much on your plate, they might be able to help you come up with a plan for how you approach the situation with your ex and the hoops you are jumping through.
Continuing to send you so much love!❤️
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