Aellyce

Thank you, Surrendered. Definitely true for me about the lies as well. I lived a great deal of my life in a fantasy world, had some issues with that even long before the drinking problem, already as a child. I can't say I've just imagined most of my life instead of living it as I have indeed realized a lot of my dreams, but that fantasy world was ever-present. I don't even think there is any problem with the fantasies - having big ideas and vision is definitely not a bad thing as long as I pursue them in reality or acknowledge them as imagination and don't try to make it seem like all of it is true, either for myself or others. So other major elements of my recovery involve being more proactive in those areas as well.

Another reason I like the SMART program is because it targets different types of life improvement using the same few, relatively easy concepts and tools, including beating the addiction itself and self-actualization, which has always been important for me but I have this tendency to get stuck, sometimes for long periods. I'm so glad I chose this as my primary program and not something else that I would likely struggle with more - it's very clear that this program is part of why it's relatively easy for me now to work on everything, such a great fit for me. I suggest to everyone not rejecting any method or instinct a priori, even if you feel drawn to an approach that is not the most popular or most frequently discussed one. Same if someone keeps trying one method (e.g. something others suggest) but it does not click/work, there is no improvement or not steady... may just not be the best approach for that individual and do nothing but generate a false sense of incompetence, better to explore something else. There are tons of great, completely free self-improvement tools out there that can be applied to addiction, even if they are not necessarily "marketed" as addiction recovery methods - we often don't need to re-invert the wheel these days thinking we are so unique or something else. I enjoy all this now also as a form of creative work and process, which is definitely not only a fantasy, finally

courage2

Whoa! I hope your record needle got unstuck, Ae.

Aellyce

Haha courage, yes One of the things that got unstuck during the past year, and I especially feel it now that I am sober: I think I was quite seriously depressed (with some ups and downs but quite continuously depressed) for many years before 2020. I kinda knew but denied it for the most part, probably because it was so long-lasting, it became my normal and how I knew myself and my perceptions of world. I was just thinking back on my life, mental world, even the people I was typically drawn to, how I interacted, about what sorts of things... Reading back on my old posts from my previous account makes this very clear even here on SR. I think part of the reason for the perpetual lies (many without much reason, not necessarily to cover up my acts) was that I was unable to truly live the life I imagined and wanted due to the addiction and depression, so I tried to "compensate" for making up things in mind and in speech. Quite different now, but I do sometimes still recognize the urges to escape into fantasy.

I think getting "unstuck" started for me a few months before actually getting sober. A lot of the things that happened in the world right from the start of the pandemic led to many progressive realizations and inspirations for me, I definitely feel fortunate that it affected me in this way and not the other way around. All that made it easier for me to get and stay sober and now all the improvements kinda reinforce each-other. It remains to be seen whether this is just a particularly good phase now; definitely expect more challenges with mental health in the future, but it's a lucky constellation for me right now in many ways, so I am riding and using the current Maybe it would have helped similarly to get medical help for the darn depression back during those years. Quitting drinking earlier definitely would have helped, I have no doubts about that. It is a cliche, but true how we can get very attached to even our dark inner worlds and depression, even make it as part of our identity. Thinking about all this now from my own experience, I understand in a more vivid manner how mental health issues and addiction are intertwined, and how difficult it can be to recover from any of these ailments while some other conditions persist. It doesn't matter for the past now, but I'll keep this in mind for the future!

courage2

People urged me to get mental health help, but I chose to resent the suggestion, and drink. Drinking smothered my anxiety and subdued my mood swings -- but it sure didn't help with depression. I had to get sober before I could tell whether I was suicidal because of depression or alcoholism. Well, it was both. I had to go into a sober depression, and (briefly, thank god) relapse before I could admit that I also needed psychiatric help. Sobriety and a stable mental condition have so far rescued me from an early death, probably of a horrible kind.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself and participating in the forum.

Aellyce

I'm happy for you courage (and everyone) for finding useful mental health treatments in sobriety, and getting relief from them, especially in the longer run. My mental state is still good after almost 60 days sober - it remains to se been whether it lasts like this or I need any specific help for it, but so far so good. Very glad that my alcohol cravings have subsided so much as well - this is not something I expected to get to so soon and the strong/frequent urges (plus not knowing how to cope with them effectively) were definitely my Achilles heel, which is healing pretty well with applying the recovery tools and strategies I've learned in the past two months. Yay to neuroplasticity as well!

When I have anxiety, it's also quite different now as it rarely just comes out of nowhere, most of the time I worry about real life stress of the kinds that we all deal with in a normal life - like professional challenges or trying to find a new home. I don't even feel this type of stress is negative in any way, it helps keep me focused and on task. Before a ton of my energy was spent on feeling horrible due to my drinking, often just trying to get through a day while sick both physically and mentally, constantly beating up myself because of course I could not perform properly but kept avoiding or failing to fix the cause, covering up the consequences of my drinking and all maintaining all the lies were also extremely stressful (even if habitual). And a lot of useless navel gazing, which was constantly pointed out to me both here on SR and from some other sources as well, but I would not fully grasp how it was mostly part of the self-destructive cycle.

Like many people in early sobriety, I also realized that some of the relationships I maintained before were not serving me well - nothing dramatic or destructive in my case, I didn't have drinking buddies or anyone who encouraged maladaptive behaviors directly, but what I mentioned before: I firmly believe we often gravitate to people while we suffer who reflect that back or even validate it with their own example. I do better now when I don't react and engage with those kinds of mates/influences and will let them fade away, much like with moving on from other elements of my past lifestyle. Once again, quitting my job helps a lot even with that, and I definitely didn't have many friends in the past few years, but with some I just feel acutely now that we actually have very little in common, and what we have is not necessary to keep sharing. I feel quite fortunate that I don't actually have relationships that went sour during my drinking and I want to fix them, or really make amends, more like a clean slate that allows me to move on more easily. These feelings and desires might change with time, and if they do I am open to it, but it's the current state. Definitely the solver lining in not having a family, and that I didn't socialize much in the past 10 or so years, other than work and superficial (albeit sometimes obsessive/compulsive) connections online.

It continues to kinda fascinate me how much time, energy and effort we put into maintaining out destructive tendencies for long years, even decades, and avoid making the efforts of recovery that in fact take much less and are much easier once engaged (for me, so far, at least)!

Obladi

Something to consider, knowing your history as you do: Maybe right now is the absolute best time to look for that mental health professional. Maybe now that you've made a commitment to yourself to get on with the healing, you could go all out and find someone who can help you look inward in a fruitful way. Think of it as preventative treatment.

My therapist has been an enormous help to me because I can be completely honest with him without fear of judgement. It's weird how even now I'll be thinking, "I don't have anything to talk about at my appointment," but then I find plenty to talk about. And I'm never sorry to have met with him.

Just a thought.

O

Aellyce

Thanks O, your are right and I am indeed thinking about potential preventative approaches, just not yet sure what exactly I need to prevent right now other than drinking relapse. Thinking I'll make an appointment with an occupational therapist I contacted a while ago but never ended up seeing. I did quite a bit of more traditional psychotherapy in the past and often found it counterproductive for me, but then figured I didn't use it the right way (not being honest was just one element of this) and likely didn't choose the right modalities/providers either. I like the occupational therapist as their focus tends to be more practical (I just learned how well that works for me from using SMART) and holistic, targeting both mental and physical wellbeing rather than focusing mostly on emotions. They can help with methods to maintain discipline and structure - a bit like the idea of a coach, but these people have medically-informed backgrounds relevant to physical things. The one I contacted a while ago told me even just one or two appointments might be useful, and that's what I'm thinking of maybe trying. I like her also because she seems to have more interest in the psychology and general improvement than many other occupational therapists who focus more on rehabilitation etc. I will look at her again and more of these guys and probably try it. If it helps, would do more in the future. Psychiatric care I don't think I currently need as I don't have symptoms, and throwing new prescription drugs on what has not even manifested yet would be an overkill IMO, especially in this period when a lot of things about me change so dynamically.

Speaking of prevention and treatments - just had my medical appointment (for a general physical) I mentioned on my other recent thread confirmed for mid-February. Very pleased to read through the registration/intake form they sent me. Now this is thorough: it includes mental health and also has specific questions about substance abuse and prior treatments for that. I chose this doctor because she has excellent reviews also comments on her broad, modern knowledge and thoroughness - the the form they sent does show they are interested in everything. I actually really look forward to that appointment now!