Aellyce

Thanks FreeOwl I'm pretty good so far today, in a good mood and feel very motivated but, as I said in my previous post, mornings tend to be the easier part for me. Well, not always, as the worst alcohol craving so was was in the morning last Monday, but for the most part.

Interesting that you mention marijuana... I never had a problem with that, probably used it a total of 5 times in my life and all was a long time ago, never even liked it much and it made me horribly sick/embarrassed in public twice (bad episodes of throwing up). But yesterday I had these on/off mild cravings for alcohol, and when I was walking outside and smelled pot smoke (quite common where I live), I suddenly had a craving for that! I was like, WTF!? That never happened before, I normally find that smell quite repulsive and don't have any really fond memories about weed. Tricks of the AV/addicted brain I guess, it wants anything to derail a healthy resolve. It was just a few seconds, had more persistent thoughts about alcohol for hours, but got through them fine.

Yes, let's get through today as well together - all the best to you!

FreeOwl

And to tou!!!!

I can relate to the later in the day cravings. For me, exercising early in the day often helped and then planning some cool non-drinking thing later in the evening to cap off my day and have a commitment to like a yoga session or a poetry reading or a journal date or some sort of non-alcohol-related outing with a friend was a really good way to keep myself focused on present living and not get pulled into my own addictive traps.

Aellyce

I think my least favorite day of the week is Monday now. Not because it's the first day after the weekend, but I have a big work meeting on Monday mornings that frequently remind me how much I want out of this job and I always have massive drinking urges during and after, for a few hours. Huge trigger. For I don't even know how long, it often ended with me heading to the liquor store, getting hammered, and being useless the whole day and sick/ashamed/anxious/depressed the day after. Last Monday also had the strongest craving of my sober week. I felt totally fine once it dissipated though, later in the afternoon - this memory is a good reminder how temporary such a mental state is and how it's not worth giving in.

I even tend to wake up especially anxious and unmotivated on these Monday mornings. It's interesting, because today I woke up even feeling as though I was a bit hungover, but I am not... I think it's likely psychosomatic. I don't look forward to a lot of the work I need to do all week that is related to this job either. All this will still be repeated until the end of February, with the exception of a 2-week vacation around Christmas... then I'm finally free and no more Mondays like this!

Anyway, just trying to prepare for the day that tends to challenge my sobriety the most, but will get through it like last week, and will go to bed tonight on day 9!

MLD51

I am so proud of you right now, Aellyce. Admitting this secret you've been carrying is a HUGE step.

Little story for you. Some tough love, if you will. I knew this guy. He was someone I had known since Junior High. Someone I loved as a crush when we were 13-14. Someone I ran across again much later in life and had a serious romantic relationship with. He had been sober for 16 years at one point, but was drinking again when I met up with him after 30 years of losing track. We drank merrily together for a year or so and then the romantic relationship failed. He got sober again, and then I did, a few months later. We tried again after I'd been sober for over a year. It failed again - because something felt "off" to me. He was sober but deeply troubled. Or so I thought. We sort of kept in touch - but he was really really angry at me, at the world, and he drank again. He hid that from most people. I knew, because he told me, but almost no one else did, as it turned out. He took his life in October of last year. I was completely devastated. This man had helped me get sober. He took me to my first meeting. He read the big book with me. He loved me when I hated myself. And yet. Piecing things together after his death, it turned out that he never did have that initial 16 years of sobriety everyone thought he did. His sister told me that at his funeral. And that it's very likely he was drinking while we were dating the second time and supposedly both sober (I have zero sense of smell and we did not see each other every day, so he could hide it). Those lies, that burden he'd been carrying, that refusal to be brutally honest with himself and others... out of some sense of pride or fear of what other people thought... I think that got to be too much for him. He told lots of other lies, too, but in the end all of the lies were to support the drinking in some way or another.

Aellyce, that's why I'm proud of you for getting this out into the open now. Those secrets, that hiding we all did as active alcoholics... that's poison to your soul. I firmly believe there's no real healing until a person is willing and able to come ALL the way clean. Say it here, say it out loud to a person in real life, write it all down - however you do it, it's the beginning of real progress. I had to tell myself and other people some pretty ugly things about myself, but it was the only way. I told you the above story not to scare you, but to show you how dangerous the lies can be if allowed to fester. And to give you hope. You are doing what he could never bring himself to do. Keep being honest. You'll make it if you do.

Aellyce

MLD - thank you so much for sharing that. Sad story about your friend and I'm sorry you were part of it, but definitely not unique or even rare in addicts. I met similar others as well. I do feel the honesty has made a huge difference almost immediately the day after and I would only recommend it to anyone, given it's done safely (i.e. not suddenly going out and revealing everything to the whole world). As I said in my first post on day 1, it was really like waking up in a different reality. Not in one of those altered states or fake worlds, but the REAL real. Interesting, because I feel much more connected to this now. And it's been making things so much easier already - I feel physically much better (not always the case just a week sober), generally in a good mood when I am not currently dealing with a strong craving, very motivated. I think it's the combination of the honesty and the tools I am finally using (instead of studying and hypocritically suggesting to others).

One good thing, for me, is that I don't feel anger at the world and resentments now. I know that those things contribute to the relapses of many people and often come from people's old histories. I've never been very prone to those things to start with, but now that I have this resolve and actually doing the work, even the anger and resentments directed towards myself (I think fairly, I did many immoral things after all) have lessened a great deal. I do tend to struggle with feeling incompetent at times (I think that was also the main reason I lied on this forum for so long), but the way to improve that is to actually develop it, not just talk about it. Otherwise I have a decent self-esteem, so It's not that I struggle with a lot of bottled up shame now. The whole middle-age thing (aging in general) is also a bit challenging to go through but not too bad, especially with a sober mind.

I think, for me, the challenge is mostly to get through the urges and to keep up the constructive action and recovery work, to cement it and make it part of my new, normal lifestyle. As I said before, this is why I've become a big fan of the SMART program quickly - so many great tools, many actually serve multiple purposes and I find it quite engaging to work through them and to apply them. Finally some things that actually WORK on these darn cravings, and there is quite a variety, it does not get boring quickly.

The job thing: it's actually been a great job and environment, I cannot say anything significantly negative about it. Unfortunately it also gave me too much freedom, why I could get away with the drinking for so long. I loved it for several years at the beginning, just got bored with it already years ago and have had many new ideas and goals in the last couple years, but could not quit this job very easily and quickly because I am managing a team and have been responsible for many projects. Finally I've wrapped things up sufficiently so I can move on soon. Ironically, a lot of this job has involved doing research on addiction (and other mental health stuff). Maybe I do have a bit of resentment that >10 years of doing this has not helped me more to resolve my own addiction earlier, but I think it has contributed to the solution and led up to it in a few ways. I plan to continue being involved in similar work in part, but in a different setting, position and business structure. Maybe I will be able to actually contribute much better sober, we shall see The other good thing is that I am doing all this deliberately, not because I completely destroyed my career due to drinking. That would surely happen though if I continued, so this is a good time to put a definitive end to my relationship with alcohol, period.

Obladi

Hey Aellyce,

I think having that hungover feeling is not entirely psychosomatic. I thnk it's a side effect of the work your body (and brain!) is doing to recover from the trauma it's been through. Think about it. How long did you drink? How long would you expect to be recovering from all of that? Not 9 days for certain, not even 90. But it does get better, little by little, every day you don't drink.

In regard to work, I'd advise you to hold onto your horses with the big exit there. I really loved my job too - until the later drinking years when it was all nonsense. That feeling lasted for months into sobriety. Within the last couple of weeks, I've realized that I love my job again. Same boss, same crew, same unrealistic work load. What's changed here? Of course it's me. It's like my brain has finally come on line again. Don't get me wrong - I did a great job even while I was drinking, and I've got accolades and performance evaluations to prove it. But I was absolutely not working at 100% - it was more like 80%. Anyhow, the point isn't to brag on myself - I'm just saying your brain will change with time. Maybe give it a year and see how you feel about it then?

It's good to be witnessing your journey.

O

Meraviglioso

Just letting you know I am thinking of you.

Aellyce

Thanks O and Mera

The job issue: of course I expected that advice and it makes a lot of sense. However, my situation has more variables than simply having a job or not. It's also not an impulsive decision by any means, I have been working on wrapping up my projects and downgrading this job for a couple years now at least because I am very determined to move on. I developed a private business in parallel, which I really love now and it's taken off this year quite nicely, with the ability to work from home almost 100%. However, I still don't have enough time to develop it further because I have this old job simultaneously. Part of the reason I don't care much about the old job is because it just does not provide opportunities to grow professionally in the ways I am interested in, I more feel like being stuck in a stupid rat race, which does not interest me at all now. The new directions, in contrast, have a lot of exciting potential. I don't even need this job for income now. So, it pretty much serves zero construction function in my life. I feel I've already been stuck in it for way too long, in part because it provided some level of security to continue drinking the way I had been. My performance was not good either, I can't even say 80% (sometimes not even 50%) relative to my own standards and what I know I am capable of. Just has to go.

Day 10 today I have a SMART meeting scheduled for tonight with the group I attended a week ago, which was my first SMART meeting in this new era of sobriety. The facilitator generously mailed me a free copy of their Handbook, I started working through it last weekend and enjoy it a lot, so much useful stuff. I really look forward to meeting with this group again!

Obladi

Sure thing, Aellyce.
What about insurance - do you need the current job for that? Are there any retirement considerations?
For me, working from home has been an absolute God-send, but weren't you feeling terribly shut in and isolated earlier this year? How would it be for you working from home 100%?
Not trying to convince you of a thing, just wondering if it might pay off to hang in there for any reason.

Happy Day 11.
How was the meeting?

O

Aellyce

Thanks for bringing up those practical concerns, O. It was nice to have medical insurance via employments, obviously cheaper. But I won't need them in the future, I will have private insurance like many other self-employed entrepreneurs. For retirement savings, I have already used mostly other sources (one of them is the continuation from a previous job and I have been investing privately, others also private). I do have a retirement plan from this job, but it's quite minimal, the plan they provide is really not the best so I have been using my other methods. The growing financial concerns related to my drinking have been mostly because I procrastinated or neglected some good business and investment opportunities and hated myself for it, because some could have been really good. But I have the interest and time again now, with drinking out of the picture. In the next ~3 months, I will mostly focus on wrapping up this job, to make sure I leave everything in a way that other can use easily to continue my projects if they want to or just use the information. Then I want to have at least 2 months off work. Then full time into my business.

I love working from home 100%. That was a doubt still earlier this year, but the pandemic actually helped me answer my dilemma. I have been really doing better this year in general mentally than in any other years prior for about a decade, and part of it is the working from home thing and how my business has developed this year. In fact, I had the longest stint of sobriety earlier this spring in my entire drinking career (meaning it was't that long, ~2 months) and I loved that period. Unfortunately, I relapsed because I was still not doing any actual recovery work. So that's different now. I don't think it's just random that I am finally really taking sobriety seriously now this year, very inspired by how much better I have felt in many ways, except the ~2 months before my recent quit, which was very frustrating because I was stagnating for a while again.

No issues with isolation, not as far as working goes, especially not this job I am leaving - I can go to work there in my office now but rarely do, because it's not necessary and I don't miss it at all. It's not that nice living in NYC now and not having the entertainment etc possibilities it had provided before COVID, but that has nothing to do with work. If the pandemic gets resolved eventually, I can also go back to having real life meetings, travel etc as part of my business, like last year and prior, so that's also available.

Believe me, I have been planning this exit and career change for years now, there isn't a single thing that hasn't been thought out, explored and scheduled already Whenever I need to do anything for this job now, it just gives me bouts of drinking urges (that I want to escape and not deal with this anymore) and I am really not interested in it at all now. It's not just a mental state, e.g. anhedonia, I don't feel that way at all in relation to my business and other perspectives that I am very excited about. I can't see a single reason now to hang onto this annoying job anymore, it just gives me a headache and no benefits really. I just wanted to exit in a relatively decent and responsible way, that's why it's taken so long to wrap it up. Of course still drinking also perpetually downgraded my self-confidence, so I just kept pushing it off, procrastinated actions also related to my long-wanted and lanned career change. Also, there is no way back now as I've already told everyone during the past month or so, it's all set, finally

The SMART meeting last night was good. It's a great group, not too large (less than 30 people), so quite cozy for a lot of discussion. The other SMART group I visited last weekend had >200 participants! It was still interactive and practical, we worked on some tools with the group, whoever wanted to participate in the discussion. I have been using an "urge log" from SMART to monitor my cravings, triggers and coping in the last ~10 days and it's becoming increasingly clear that so many of my worst triggers/urges are related to this job we are talking about. I just want to escape from it in every possible way. Really moving on from it will be a much better solution than drinking myself into oblivion 2-3 times a week!

Attending AA tonight, then SMART again tomorrow... I like to alternate them.

Anna

Aellyce, I'm glad to hear how positive you feel about working at home. And, it sounds like you're ready to make the job change and to pursue the new job you have planned.

Aellyce

So I finally submitted my letter of resignation yesterday and signed their termination docs quickly afterward. It's all set, I'm leaving in early March. Will still need to work to finish some projects afterward, but won't stress about it and won't give priority to those things then. It's certainly weird because I've never held one job for >10 years before, not even for 5 years... I always move on from them to follow a new interest. I doubt I would have stayed in this one so long either if I had not been drinking. It was great during the first ~5 years, but mostly just a security blanket in the second 5 years. Interesting feeling now that I'm finally moving on from both things that kept me stuck in the past several years: alcohol and this job! And kinda funny that the job was centered around studying addiction. Of course I have not lost my interest in that, just want to do it differently, much like recovery itself.

I feel like I've progressed with setting up a better routine quite a bit in the past week. Now I don't even feel like I want to skip my evening meetings and also don't feel I want or need extra ones. Need to work on my morning now. I would like to develop a regular exercise routine for the mornings, things I can do at home. But I have never been a workout fan before other than things you can do outside like walking, running, hiking... but those will not be easy now that winter is coming. I try to go out for a walk every day around midday or early afternoon, but the weather does not always agree. I really do want a solid morning routine though, but need to find a way to motivate myself to start - I know if I start and keep at it for a while, the motivation would come, just hard to kick it off. Looking for relatively simple exercise videos on Youtube to begin - if anyone has suggestions, please post them. I am reasonably fit and healthy but not used to working out regularly yet, so will need to start with relatively light and simple exercise I guess. I need to learn how to enjoy working out inside.

Same for meditation that I want to do much more - that's easier because I've been interested in it for many years and found a great teacher and lots of good resources before, just need to make it regular and consistent, like all the other things.

Day 14 today

Dee74

Congrats on 2 weeks and the start of a new chapter Aellyce

D

Aellyce

One thing I struggle with a bit now >2 weeks sober is my sleep. It's much better and more restful than when I was drinking or in withdrawal of course, but still very disrupted. I can usually fall asleep easily before midnight and can sleep a total of 7-8 hours/night, but wake up multiple times during the night, often quite grumpy. Probably the most annoying is all the dreams I recall from every single night. I have always had a very vivid dream recall since childhood, so this may be pre-existing biology and not merely the consequence of abusing alcohol/my brain for many years, but it wasn't this excessive when I was young. I think part of this may be due to the fact that my sleep is interrupted multiple times, so I wake up and remember the dreams from every cycle (or many of them), but it's quite annoying at times. It's not like I have nightmares all the time, just so many super-detailed, complex, epic dreams. I used to be very interested in my dreams but this is just too much - I'm already introspective perfectly enough awake, don't need all this nightly add-on

Maybe I should see a doctor and ask if they could recommend some kind of sleep aid for this (and the disrupted sleep pattern) specifically, I just don't want to get dependent on taking meds for sleep and perhaps it's a bit too early, it might settle down a bit with more time. It definitely didn't change much earlier in the spring when I stayed sober for ~2 months straight, but that was not too much time either. Otherwise I feel pretty rested and rarely tired during the day, so it does not seem like I'm not getting enough restful sleep per se, it's just all the stupid dreams. I feel emotionally pretty calm and balanced, haven't experienced any of the rollercoaster or negative emotional states many describe in early sobriety yet, only a big improvement in that area even after only a couple days sober.

Does anyone have experience with excessive dream recall in early sobriety that didn't go away much? Or if it did eventually, what was the time frame? I know everyone is different, this is just something that bothers me now, otherwise things are very good. I think I should really get into exercising much more intensively. I've added some short workouts to my mornings now, but it's definitely not enough exercise.

biminiblue

It goes away, at least it did for me.

That's one of the very best things about sobriety for me - non-dream sleep. My dreams when I drank were vivid and most of the time disturbing. These days I rarely remember a dream, and when I do they aren't upsetting to me.

I think you're right in that the deep sleep just hasn't come to you yet. I think it was about 3-6 months for me when I realized the dreams were gone. I didn't take any prescriptions or even over the counter stuff to sleep. I did get out of bed in the middle of the night more than once in early sobriety because I had awoken or just couldn't sleep. I'd rather watch TV or come on here than deal with laying in a dark room wide awake.

Dee74

It can take a while for normal sleep rhythms to come back.
I was lucky that I was always ok again by 2 weeks or so - but a lot of people aren't.

If you were to ask my advice I'd want to sit with it a while more and see what happens rather than throwing meds at it just yet.

I had a lot of vivid dreams and still do but recall for me is not that great.

D

Aellyce

So sleep has been a bit better in the last few days in terms of not waking up so many times, and definitely better not recalling excessive dreams. I think it probably has to do with what/how much I eat in the evenings as well, which I've changed a bit. Also added an at-home workout to my mornings that I'm increasing in time and intensity, plus go for for an at least 30-minute walk later in the afternoon every day, unless the weather is really bad. It's really not that difficult to make these lifestyle changes little by little - usually it's hard to start but it becomes quite habitual pretty quickly, given that I find it at least a bit interesting/enjoyable.

I still go to many Zoom meetings in the evenings, but I find it's better for me not to do it every single day (lose my interest then and become desenzitized, which is not the goal). I've found three SMART and one AA meeting that I really like and plan to continue attending every week, plus can add various others when I feel the need.

It's 21 days sober today and everything is so much better, I definitely can't name a single thing that has not improved quite a bit already. Even the drinking urges...although I still have some pretty much every day. It's interesting to record them in my SMART worksheet and see the pattern/progression, then I can use other SMART tools to dissect them a bit and develop strategies to change the mindset more effectively. Most of the cravings are quite mild and last only seconds at a time now although I had a massive one a couple days ago that was very uncomfortable, in association with a trigger I am very aware of (and expected). Many of my triggers tend to be positive things (which is interesting because people talk much more about negative emotions being triggering) and I'm definitely not avoiding those as that would just be continuing to escape and self-sabotage. I believe if I keep going through these experiences sober, eventually that will also become a habit and the associations with past drinking will fade.

One of my favorites is that my motivation has been consistently quite high, not only for recovery and handling my urges constructively, but for pretty much everything, including basic chores. I feel I have much more time and energy now and manage it a lot better to get things done. I have not experienced this kind of motivation for years and kept wondering how on Earth I could improve it. Well, this is how to improve it. Stay sober I think making a definitive decision and putting and end date to my job has also helped a lot - ironically, I feel much more motivated to wrap it up well now.

So I can't say that my recovery regimen is simple as I do many varied things for it, and I think I need this, especially because there have been quite a few other things in my life that really needed to be changed to have an overall better sense of satisfaction with everything. But the not drinking part is certainly becoming both simpler and easier to maintain. Even the compulsive thinking - I don't even need to actively work on reducing it with anything else, the things I am doing have been sufficient during this last three weeks. Also no emotional rollercoaster so far, I'm just calmer and more even-minded in general, much less anxious.

Hawkeye13

Great update Aellyce! You are headed to one month sober in a good place

Dee74

Congrats on three weeks!

D

Aellyce

Thanks guys. I was thinking earlier that perhaps I should start a new thread or change the title of this one to post updates, but I think it's actually helpful to keep this for me. Ir reminds me where I came from, including the dishonesty (it's even in the title as it wasn't a "relapse" but ongoing active drinking) and the contrast between when/where I started the thread and now feels very rewarding.