Obladi

Hey Aellyce,

Getting honest & sticking around - these are the things that have been most helpful to me. Bottom line was I thought I couldn't live with the discomfort - the psychic discomfort- of being in my sober brain. "Craving" was a word that never computed for me - I just could not abide myself without alcohol.

Or so I thought.

I think tursiops is right. Just don't drink. If you must search for the meaning of what you are feeling when you think you need to drink (like I did), figure it out. What is actually going on right at that moment? I found it was generally not very complicated, but it was initially very hard work for me. Not Drinking forces IT's hand.

Glad you're still with us.

O

Anna

Aellyce, it's good to hear from you. Sending lots of hugs and support your way.

Dee74

Congrats on day one Aellyce.
I think there’s merit in the responses here...getting sober and staying that way is a mountainous undertaking...but I made it even bigger by asking ‘but y tho?’...

whether by accident or design, I kept drinking while looking for the answer to those and other existential questions. Sometimes I kept drinking because of those another existential questions....

The way to climb a mountain is one step at a time.

Focus on not drinking for now. That is enough.

Carry water chop wood.

D

Aellyce

Yes, the simplicity and focus is definitely the best advice for me, I agree. Scheduling everything and creating a much better routine will be a good first step. I have scheduled at least one Zoom recovery meeting for each day for the coming week and that's one of my goals for the coming weeks - something many people use successfully but I haven't tried before. I did post on SR and other mental health forums very frequently (even excessively) in the past, but that obviously wasn't sufficient, and I need environments not previously associated with my drinking and other negative behaviors. I see there are now 24/7 AA meetings online, not just the regular 60-min structured ones - that might be very handy when those cravings hit, I think for me better than contacting individuals. And the voice/video may help more than just hiding behind text.

nez

Anther possible option for you to consider is this notice which was posted on the New York Inter-Group for AA website "NYC is now in Phase 4. Some meetings have reopened." They have a link to click that shows locations.

2much2luv

I'm new here but wanted to offer my encouragement and support to you. You have some solid plans lined up it sounds like. Sending you all my good wishes for your recovery!

Aellyce

So I did my Zoom AA meeting for today. I definitely had the familiar thoughts before signing in to procrastinate and "oh maybe I just start tomorrow", but very glad I did not give in to that voice. It's a bit like beating a craving even though not for alcohol but for avoidance. It's definitely better to listen to others' voice on the same journey right now than my own. The real challenge will be making this consistent, and I honestly am not sure how I will achieve that yet. I think the advice to just keep it simple, just keep doing it without thinking, will be helpful.

courage2

There is no "way." It's binary. When I was in thrall to my addiction and all that went with it, my knowledge of right and wrong was buried under heaps of alcoholic self-delusion. So I was best off not trying to "figure out" how to stop drinking, resist cravings, yada yada. What helped me was less time thinking and a lot of time not drinking.

Wishing you well,

BeABetterMan

That's great. I was a little worried when in a previous post you said something about going to AA when the cravings hit. That's not really how AA works. If I were in your position, I would commit to doing at least one meeting per day for the first 90 days. I am on day 120 something and I've been to about 100 meetings. My life had improved drastically and now I look forward to meetings. They are where I get well and learn to live.

Aellyce

Yes, thank you. Very glad to hear about your success. I attended another AA meeting last night. My plan is indeed to do at least one meeting each day, but not only AA - some of the other programs have very useful tools and discussions to manage cravings and relapse prevention, which I am familiar with but, like everything else, never applied consistently before. I have a SMART meeting scheduled for tonight and I do look forward to it. Have also started doing other things to help structure my life better and get me through those hours that I already know tend to be the most challenging for me, when I usually pick up the drink. So day 3 today

entropy1964

3 days is huge.

God I remember the mental obsession. Just the PULL was unreal.....my mind literally hijacking all reason. Feeling like I was powerless to stop myself from picking up the keys, the handbag, putting on shoes and heading out the door. I do not miss that. I still think about drinking....almost like a knee jerk reaction. Like my addict is saying 'hey is this a reason to drink? How about this? '. Like dangling a toy in front of my face. What a mind fluck. So my messed up mind has to solve a complex condition with the very organ that is messed up to begin with. What could possibly go wrong? Hence the reason I find thinking to be such a dangerous endeavor when quitting. Sitting in the various rehabs I've attended and making 'plans' for when I'm triggered, or listing all my triggers...etc etc. Hell everything is a trigger if I want it to be. Or nothing is.

I just cannot drink, no matter what. And I can't change my mind. Mantra to live by. And I am the only one that can make that happen.

Hang in there!!

Aellyce

Thanks entropy. One thing that confuses me reading this post, and some of the other posts above that I should take it simple, just not drink no matter what, and not think much: do guys suggest that I just use my willpower in the moment when I feel like drinking? But that's exactly what has failed for so many years, the core of addiction, no? It doesn't seem like I can just do AVRT or similar and be successful, I need more to handle those triggers and urges better. I am sure misunderstand or otherwise miss something as so many of you recommend this to me. Could someone elaborate please?

I can certainly ignore the mental hyperactivity, especially during those moments when I feel particularly messed up, or just treat it as some kind of meditation, let the thoughts be and then let them go, without doing anything with them. This is actually very helpful for me also in a sense because I don't waste so much useless energy on things and can use my mental capacity in a more focused way, for stuff that needs to be done and serves me well. I have been doing this in the last 2 days and feel like I'm getting the hang of it better, because I have felt much calmer (outside of a few hours yesterday when I had one of those monster cravings again) overall.

I also think the whole finally coming out and admitting the reality of my situation (here on SR and to a good friend in recovery, did not say anything to anyone else and won't, for a while at least) has also helped tremendously. It was also very good advice to leave the confession just here, at least for now. I am so glad I did it, even if it was on a half-drunken impulse! It was suggested above that simply the confession might have weakened the grip of this addiction, and I do feel that way now. It also very much lifted the perpetual guilt, shame and intense internal dissonance that I have been living with for so many years - only the first few hours after the confessions were dark, but I don't really feel ashamed or conflicted now. It helps a lot.

Dee74

I'm not Entropy, but to me 'focusing on not drinking' meant building a support network and using it, finding tools to help (like urge surfing for example) and making the necessary changes to my life to support my staying sober....

not using willpower.
At that point of mt recovery my brain was pretty banged up...part of my will still wanted to drink.

I posted a lot here. I did volunteer work in my community to help me find some purpose.
I changed my social life completely, and changed the way I dealt with problems, disappointments,celebrations and stress.

I also did a lot of screaming into pillows kicking walls and long walks...I did a lot of metaphorical batting the next drink our of my hands too.

I 'took drinking off the table' as a viable choice in a myriad of different ways.


Action, in all its many forms, is key.

D

Kdon853

I drank for a long time , I drank because the stuff worked then it didn’t and I drank for several years after that.
Cravings ? Had them for 6 months everyday multiple times in the day. I went to AA meetings walked my dogs , exercised, work around the house anything.
Even during those days it wasn’t a battle, I was done . Drinking was not an option it couldn’t be , why go back to the same ****.
I read a lot of books learned about PAWs, Gorski etc a while ago learned a lot still drank. Knowledge wasn’t going to help me and I didn’t stop because of “will power” . My path is Alcoholics Anonymous but there are many roads to get to where you want to be. Get honest with yourself and remember you’re not unique. I’m not going to say “good luck” luck has nothing to do with it. How about persevere and get your self to the other side , sobriety.

MaximusD

What has been working for me is finding another obsession and/or staying busy. I have been focusing on my health but most importantly just never stop quitting. Awesome that you came on here looking for support!

Aellyce

Thanks everyone again. So my take is that it's not really simple as usually many different actions are necessary to successfully stay sober. That's what I have known for at least a decade now, but never truly and consistently put in practice yet for myself. But no need to overcomplicate/mud it cognitively, especially with a mind still stuck in the addiction for the most part.

I am really enjoying the Zoom meetings. Attended a SMART tonight and found it so helpful and also fun, this has also been my favorite program before. We talked a lot about the urges. But I obviously need to put in action all the great tools I am given every day, not just study and discuss them as I have been mostly doing until last weekend!

Dee74

Depends on your definition of simple I guess.

I did everything I could not to take that next drink.
To me, used to mental gymnastics and self analysis of the most Herculean kind, thats simple.

Simple is not a synonym for easy....but if things start to seem over complicated in your mind, you may be overcomplicating things.

Don't drink. Repeat.

D

courage2

Here's some very specific anti-drinking early-recovery stuff that I did, and some stuff I do:

• The minute home from work, I put on clothes I wouldn't dream of wearing outside, & hide my street shoes. Every extra minute that it takes to get to a liquor store is another minute for the craving to pass and for me to stay sober.
• Obvious -- no liquor in the house. Not that weird ancient liqueur from Turkey that's just a memento. Not Nyquil. No such thing as what an alcoholic would never drink.
• These work well for me with physical (then) and mental (now) cravings: really rich butter, Ben & Jerry's (1 tablespoon, sometimes first thing in the morning), a whole handful of olives.
• Don't browse programs -- commit to one. The act of anti-reflective commitment to the guidance of an authority on sobriety is in-and-of-itself one of the hardest and most sobering things a drunk can do.
• Start and end every day by summoning up some serious gratitude.
• I didn't keep more than a couple of $ of cash in my pocket. I didn't carry my credit card unless I had a sober reason to use it.

Dropsie

For me, it was about taking a decision, fully and totally committing at every level to "being" a non-drinker.

After I took that decision at my core, it was all just implementation. But because I had decided, past tense, that was not an option so I had to find what worked.

What really helped me was three related things -- (1) when I accepted that every drink just meant a new quit; (2) Dee's statement that abstinence is not control; and (3) when I realised that for me, drinking is morally wrong. I do not kick my dog, I do not drink. I could kick my dog, but that would be wrong. Drinking would be worse (and my dog bites).

These were also what helped me quit smoking decades ago. If having a cigarette per se equals the h$ll of having to quit again, no way. Same with drinking. Because, as Dee says, abstinence is not control. But at the end it was the realisation of what drinking was doing to me and my life, the immorality of it, that sealed the deal.

On the practical front, I would add one silly thing that can help with cravings. Twirling. If you have an intense craving try twirling around three times. The physical activity helped me "break the spell".

You sound great. Take what you like and leave the rest, one foot in front of the other, together we go.

You got this.

Obladi

I think I understand where you're coming from, Aellyce. I remember feeling desperate and bemused; "What's the formula? Could someone give me the secret code please? And don't tell me something so inane as 'don't drink.' Obviously, don't drink. Doh. But How?"

I like courage's bullet list. Some people say how difficult it's been to stop drinking during COVID. I think just the opposite. There are days on end I don't leave my home, and for me, that's a good thing. That was especially true in early days when I was still having "beast attacks." Not those early days, "I must drink" thoughts anymore, but that extremely unsettled feeling that nothing would cure. The kind I couldn't explain and left me helpless. What helped more than anything was learning to live through those. Having a schedule that included the mundane as well as the spiritual/recovery stuff was critically important. As was the firm decision that I Never drink Now. I can live through anything if it's for just this moment.

People in AA like to say, "It's a simple program for complicated people." I couldn't seem to stop my brain from feeling complicated, but I could get with the simple routine of living sober. fwiw, I also think it's important to pick one program and stick with it. This doesn't mean one can't be informed by knowledge or understanding from any number of "outside" sources - of course it can. And for me (and you, I suspect) that's a bit of a trick. Putting down my defensive stance girded with learning and "knowledge" was really really hard. Lots of people in any program are happy to put you on the defensive again. That's just how people are - most of the time it's about them, not about you. I "do" AA in a different way than the standard folks do. And that's ok. You can too. As they say, "It's a big tent."

I've written forever working toward getting to my main point. I believe you do need to think. I believe it's very complicated for your brain right now to not drink. To deal with those overwhelming urges. What was important for me when in this situation was to get down to basics. I "invented" a way to think through these upsets which I now know has a name - it's RAIN. (Look it up.) Instead of just toughing it out through my life, I started noticing and examining my emotional upheaval. Every time I was anxious or irritated, I examined it in this way. What this did for me was that I learned to accept and understand old old patterns of thought that go back as far as my earliest consciousness of thinking. Once I was able to get to the (always very simple in the end) bottom of whatever was upsetting me, I was ok.

I hope that helps.
For me, the very simple formula was/is
- Don't drink
- Routine
- Mindfulness
- If all else fails, don't drink right Now.
Because it's always now.
Sit with it, wail at it, go to a meeting, dig in the garden, throw things at the wall.
Just don't drink.

xo
O