rainyengland

Well Least I’m still here even though I’m still drinking

I don’t know what’s the matter with me , when I’m sober it’s brilliant , I feel great and every day is a adventure ..but I still keep keep coming back to the wine ..can’t get day one under my belt again to push forward

I’m so angry all the time , just want revenge on everyone who lied and wronged me even if it’s detrimental to myself or my family

feel like screaming and crying

Wastinglife

I know the feeling. I get angry sometimes after too much to drink. I can explode in rage and have been arrested many times as a result. Earlier in the summer I was arrested at my front door. I was blackout drunk so have little memory of what I did. I think I was causing a disturbance of some kind and other people living on my floor must have called.

The thing is, being arrested and spending a night in jail only makes me want to drink more when i get out....

Awake61

I so know about the anger part. At this moment I am extremely angry due to my verbally abusive husband picking me apart in front of our daughter on face time. But I will not drink, as it only will enrage me more. Instead I will work on my plan to leave him and this lonely place. Thank you for posting and listening. Last time I drank i passed out behind the wheel on my way home because I couldn't stand the thought of coming home. thank god I didn't hurt or kill anyone!

nez

When I was drinking, I was the number one person on the list of people who had lied and wronged me. And I got my revenge...because I treated myself horrendously.

Revenge is a one street to misery. I might as well drink poison in the hopes the other person dies. Come to think of it...that is exactly what I was doing! I was killing myself.

Hatred and revenge are self propagating.

I deserve better. When I started treating myself better...I got better. Better is also self propagating.

Which one do I want to feed and nurture?

Dee74

Staying sober takes effort - but I really believe it's less effort than trying to keep drinking and all the disaster that brings for us to deal with.
You know you're better off sober RE - why not try again for a day one?

D

Anna

I had a huge amount of anger when I was drinking and, of course, continuing to drink just made me more angry at myself. Alcoholism is so bizarre. Try to let go of the anger over people who have hurt you. It will do you so much good.

least

You CAN do a day one, you just still want to drink more than you want to be sober.

I think the person you're most angry at is yourself. Stop drinking and the anger will fade.

Delilah1

You are here and posting, that’s a good first step. I think you will be able to o let go of that anger once you get some sobriety under your belt. Do you have any other supports besides SR to help you get sober?

D122y

I wasn't the real me while drinking or even healing for the first year or two sober.

The chemically altered version of me is angry, tired, and weak.

The clean me is happy, energetic, and strong.

It took well over a year of sobriety for my natural balance to stabilize. The damage is permanent and what remains is adaptation.

Each relapse causes new and more difficult changes. I believe rx meds can continue the trickery.

Suffering and time are the only way out.

Thanks.

Hodd

Keep trying, rainy. We all tried a few times before stopping. Try and try again, but don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re doing OK. You’ve not ignored the problem and will win if you try.

aasharon90

Resentments and anger would keep me sick forever until
I let it go. Drinking to numb those awful feelings didnt change
anything until I let go of the anger and resentments i felt inside,
eating away, darkening my heart, mind and soul for all those
who wronged me and hurt me thru out my life.

Once i learned how to place all those people, family members,
people who put me thru hell in school and everyone else into
the Hands of my Higher Power because this thing was too big
for me to handle alone, then, i began to heal.

As long as I know I dont have to handle this thing which
is bigger than I, turning it over and placing it into my Higher
Powers hands, then I can concentrate on my recovery
foundation building it stronger to live a healthy, happy,
honest way of life upon for yrs to come.

Forgiveness is more powerful than we can imagine. It
can unlock the hurt and pain we have eating away at
every inch of our beings. It a freedom and gift we can
take along with us to enjoy and treasure forever.

I had to put the plug in the jug, learn a program of
recovery to incorporate in all my affairs on a daily
bases as a guideline to achieve many of life amazing
blessings to become the best, honest person I can
possibly be not only to myself but to others around
me.

brighterday1234

A sober life is entirely possible. Recovery consists of losing all that resentment and self-pity and stepping out into The Sunlight of peace of mind and contentment. It takes time and work but it’s possible. Alcohol to an alcoholic feeds resentment and self-pity.

biminiblue

aasharon said it beautifully.

If I don't forgive others, I can't forgive myself. I think forgiving is one of the most important spiritual lessons. Maybe THE most important one.

The better I get at recognizing resentments and letting them go, the better my life becomes. Alcohol makes that impossible, truly. I believe it blocks the Light of the spirit and allows darkness to take over.

Fusion

Oh how I can relate, rainyengland, I did the same. I call it self-sabotage, the drinking, the drink fuelling the feelings of anger and wishes for revenge: a bitter cycle where I poisoned myself and the the wrong-doers weren't affected, oblivious, which incensed me more.

I read the Spirituality Thread on SR and thought of you when I read this, it reflects my experience, and it's hard to do, but still doable, I get to choose where my focus lies:

LumenandNyx

That looks to me like you feel powerless.

You aren't. Drinking is a choice.

D122y

The chemical imbalance adds to the resentment/self loathing etc etc. The brain is altered forever and it can adapt, but never fully heal.

Relapsing hurts the adaptation.

Once I adapted, everything seemed to melt away. Problems and people issues faded away. I can get into a huge argument now and it doesn't bother me for days afterwards.

It was not so much as me forgiving others or whatever, it is about clean time.

I suffered hell on earth to get this far and I will never drink again because of it.

Suffering and time. Addict for life. Don't believe the hype. Booze is poison.

Thanks.

Hodd

Exactly. I don’t like to use the word terrified so I’ll just say I’m extremely wary of relapsing. I’m coming up to 21 months sober and life is great, but it’ll very likely fall apart with just one drink.

Rainy, you need to get that sort of mindset and recognise the seriousness of drinking again.

getright15

I can relate 100% on how you're feeling. I still feel that way some times, but I have to get a hold of my thoughts or drive myself crazy. I never thought I'd be sober ever ever, and I'm 14 months now. You can do it! If you read back on my post you can see how angry and drunk and belligerent I was. Look at tomorrow as a new day. Go to a meeting, find a sponsor for starters. I also recommend a therapist as mine helped me greatly with the anger.

DriGuy

The bottom line is that you don't want either addictions or resentments. They are both personally destructive, and both can be managed using different and separate tools. For me, the thought of dealing with my resentments absolutely never occurred to me until after I got sober. Maybe I could have dealt with both at the same time. I don't know. Just because sobriety happened first and letting go of resentments later doesn't necessarily mean anything. But I know that enjoying my sobriety wouldn't be as enjoyable if I were still harboring deep resentments.

Resentments and alcoholism are obviously not the same, but I can see a relationship. I solved my drinking first. That cleared the way for me to work on some of those other problems, resentments being what seemed to be the biggest. Could I have ended my recovery without solving resentments. Well, you can't actually end recovery. You will always be at risk I'm sorry to say, but when you quit drinking, you can start doing what normal people should do, although not all normies do.

In your case, your resentments may be big enough that they feed your drinking. But in my case, drinking was the thing that needed to stop, and for me that meant holding onto my chair with white knuckles until the cravings began to abate, and it's like that for pretty much all of us, but what most of us may not have realized at the time was that we wouldn't have to "white knuckle" our way through the rest of our lives.

The cravings go away, almost like magic, and some call it a miracle. But then I directed my attention to resentments, and maybe the only reason I bothered with them at all was because I realized that I was wasting too much time on them. I would go hiking in the mountains of Montana, and during my hike I would realize that I was playing those betrayals and slights I experienced from others over and over in my mind. Instead of focusing on the peace and the quiet of the woods, my mind was churning with fantasies of vengeance and morose misgivings. Talk about ruining my day. Yeah, my body felt good about walking and breathing and sweating, but my head was a mess of chaos and sick mind games. Ugh!

You will need to work on both. They may be related or separate issues, and the strategies may be different, but both are debilitating. I believe there may be many alcoholics that don't have such deep resentments. If there are such alcoholics, they may never know how lucky they are.