Kaily

Yes definitely keep posting, it helps a lot. I am pleased to read you are walking and getting a bit of twinkle back. Slow and steady, soon be double digits and beyond.

Coz

Congrats on eight days sober! udidit!

DriGuy

You describe that the way I remember one week. I would describe it as stunning, because it had always felt so unobtainable before, and week two came quite easily for me after that. It was at that time that I knew I would make it. It wasn't just saying I would make either. It was different. I actually knew it. So what was different? First, I had never actually committed to abstinence for the rest of my life before, not because I thought it would be too hard, but because I didn't think it was possible. I would always be in some situation, say like a wedding, where drinking would be required, so I pictured sobriety as a state of not drinking everyday, but controlling and limiting on special occasions, not realizing that I could attend a special occasion and not drink at all (lots of normal people don't drink on special occasions).

Second, I never before found a group of people that truly understood. Way back when I quit, that was AA because nothing else in my small town was available. Some in AA struggle for years, but keep trying. Other's had achieved long term sobriety and are remarkably happy about the fact that they hadn't had a drink in years. They were free to enjoy the other things in life without having to drink instead. That was the set I wanted to be a part of, and that's where I found my mentors.

Commitment and a group where I could celebrate sobriety, rather than fear it or regret it. Those two things were my biggest help. And there's nothing better than going to a group on a Friday night or New Years Eve and celebrating sobriety when everyone else is out there getting plastered. It was a rush for me, especially New Years Eve, where we played games, shot fireworks at midnight, ate ham, turkey, and all kinds of good things people brought for the table, and somewhere in the middle of the party, we sat on the floor and took time out for a regular meeting. Talk about gratitude! There was more thanksgiving on New Years Eve than I ever had on Thanksgiving Day. And that's the way my life has been ever since, although I don't go to meetings anymore.

didit4me<

Thank you Kaily, Coz and DriGuy,

Thank you for supporting me and helping me.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts DriGuy.
I just wanted to highlight that part of your post, because I liked that part a lot.

I want to be around the positive, the do'ers, the fighters, the ones that see this as a good and positive thing. I am looking at this as I am leaving something bad behind, I am not losing anything by not drinking, I am getting something better, and I am excited and want to see where I can go, I feel like I have been let out of a prison and I want to make this my best life yet.

A little soapbox chant there, and the pink cloud is above, but something deep inside is driving me right now and I want to keep feeding it the positive energy. That is why I think it is good to have this interaction and for people to say keep going, hang in there, it gets better, positive help.

I know when I come on here with a bad day, someone will give me something new to think about, maybe a plan change. I can ask for help.

I wanted to add that I noticed last night that my legs settled down and stopped jumping around while trying to sleep. My body actually felt calm relaxing in bed as I fell asleep.

Just my theory, but I think all that leg jumping was part of an overly excited nervous system trying to adjust to normalcy and also my overly depleted, dehydrated body being over stimulated and overreacting, not knowing what to do. I have been drinking so much water, lemon water and mineral waters.

My skin actually feels soft and for lack of another word, nourished right out of the shower without even putting lotion on. I was really dehydrated and didn’t even really realize just how bad it was. Also, my face is thinner on the sides, it feels different to my touch, it feels nice, not puffy.

I have had the radio playing all day while I cleaned the house, finished more laundry, and changed the bed.

Day 9 happily accomplished. didit

Coz

Congrats didit! I love your positive attitude and your determination to make sobriety work - it is great for me to read as it is the attitude I would like to have always. I strive and succeed most of the time, but I have some moments when I do find it really challenging. Posts like yours really inspire me - so thanks as well as congrats.

Gabe1980

Well done Didit....you can do this and we can help you

Abraham

We are all here for you. I sincerely hope you can quit. Sooner the better. Its a terrible habit that has to be broken. Get out of the rut and enjoy this summer. If I can do it you can do it. I never could go a day without drinking. I think I went 2 days with not drinking in my 30 year span of drinking. I did manage to quit on my first try but it was 15 years in the making. Stay quit. You will get back you brain and old self. Plus if you dont it will keep getting worse. Its a progressive disease and will just keep going if you dont step in and make so tough decisions. Lots of us have done it. You can to.

DriGuy

This is one of those things I became aware of only after I got sober. I guess before I had that realization, I looked at quitting as a sacrifice, a worthy sacrifice to be sure, but never the less, a sacrifice. Realizing it was not a sacrifice was one of those pleasant insights that dawn on you every once in a while. There is no sacrifice involved. It felt like I had to give up nothing to get something. It's true quitting did involve wrestling with emotions and cravings, but those things were short term battles of addiction, not sacrifices.

Something similar happened in my association with the group. There seems to be a belief that in social interactions, you must give something positive to receive something positive back. But when you think about it, that's not ideal giving. It's better to give without expectations or to gain favors owed. What I experienced in the group was that everything seemed to flow my way, I was continually given tips, advice, and encouraging kudos, even though I felt I had little to give. I was the new guy in desperate need, and had little to offer, but I was being flooded with help and support, some of which wasn't helpful, but always offered with the best of intentions. If I returned anything, I'm not sure what it was. About all I may have offered was my enthusiasm for sobriety, but even that felt like my gift to myself, not intentionally directed at someone else. Sure I made coffee, opened the meeting place, and chaired an occasional meeting, but none of those things were burdens. It was just me being allowed to participate. Even that was coming my way.

In the end, you are not giving anything up. You are only gaining something, and it is an extraordinary gift that you give to yourself.

Mamatembo

Congrats on 9 days!

I can relate to the skin thing. When I first looked at my skin after quitting, really looked at it, I was shocked at how old it looked. It was thin, dry, and wrinkled. With lotion, water and time, it's perked up. What a great benefit to sobriety!

Driguy, this part "I had never actually committed to abstinence for the rest of my life before, not because I thought it would be too hard, but because I didn't think it was possible", is totally true for me too. Once I was able to accept forever abstinence as a real option, I was able to become more committed. Of course quitting is more complicated than that but it was a big hurdle for me.

didit4me<

Hello everyone,

I slept so hard last night it took me awhile before I really woke up this morning, my eyelids were so heavy, but it was a welcome good sleep.

I was very focused and took care of lot of important things today, but come late afternoon my digestive system started acting up and I am not feeling so good tonight.

I’ll check back in tomorrow and answer your posts and I do thank you for posting to me.

I was going to document yesterday that my digestive system was just starting to normalize and I was happy about that but I thought that would be to much information. But since it is gurgling and cramping, I ‘ll just document it so I realize that it does take time for the insides to straighten up. Or, maybe I am just getting sick.

Nite all, I’ll post tomorrow

Day 10 done, didit

didit4me<

Hello everyone,

Coz, I am glad that we are in the May thread together and you also post here, so many new friendships starting where we are enjoying talking not only about quitting but how we are getting on in life with our interests.

The life stories being shared here are so heartwarming.

Hi Gabe and Abraham, thank you for stopping by, I have seen some of your posts out on the forum, I am still learning and finding everyone, it is good to meet you.

DriGuy, your posts along with everyone’s posts always gives me many things to think about and new ideas. I appreciate all thoughts.

Mamatembo, yes the skin, I am seeing so much improvement, it feels nourished.

My comprehension of everything I read is still not top notch yet, especially as the day goes on, I am brightest in the mornings.

I try to respond to many, but sometimes I don’t know what to say. My May thread I am in is very fast moving, but I enjoy reading all posts and nodding my head in agreement with what they are talking about.

The posts on the forums, I learn from, some I have to not read just because I am protecting myself, just like with the television.

I am keeping me first, both in home life and here, when something I am reading here or experiencing at home is triggering me, I detach myself and move on. I have to keep focused on my direction. I did that yesterday afternoon, someone was getting all flared up about something, and I just removed myself and went on about my business without giving an explanation.

I am starting to ramble now.

I slept deep and hard again last night, my digestive system is a bit better today. I think all the healthy foods and fiber and nutrients are a shock to my system. Alcohol sure does burn up and damage that area.

I'll post later tonight that I didit, I am that sure about it, if I feel unsure about it, I'll post for help. Working through day 11.

Kaily

Well done, you sound really motivated -brilliant!

Dee74

Day 11 is awesome Didit4me.

D

Coz

You've made "legs"! Congratulations and well done - you are sure doing it didit.
(Think bingo if this is a bit to cryptic)

didit4me<

Hello everyone,

Ok, I didit, off to bed and day 12 tomorrow.

Dee74

D

DriGuy

You're at a point where I felt like I was out of the woods. The cravings were very manageable, if not gone. You will be starting to feel good, and your confidence about sobriety will be way up. A lot of people relapse at this point, or remain highly vulnerable for years and relapse at any point, because this is where your recovery strategy has to learn to utilized new tools. It doesn't necessarily happen at two weeks or a month. It's that surprising time when you realize you have the power to make it. The cravings are now practically a memory, but now starts the head games. People at this stage often refer to this as their alcoholic voice. Your alcoholic voice, your AV, has actually been there all along, but you probably didn't notice much because you simply did what it told you to. When it said, "You can have a drink. You can handle it," you just had that first drink and were off to the races.

While the cravings pass, your AV remains active and embedded in your mind. It's much harder to shake than the cravings, because it's adaptable, and becomes more devious. I think of this as Stage Two of recovery. You AV pretends to be encouraging, but it's motive is to undermine your success and addict you again so it doesn't have to work so hard at getting you to drink. Its general message is that you are fine, strong, and well. It's mixing truth with a lie. You are strong, and well, but it's also implying you have beat your alcoholic problem. That's the lie. You will never NOT be an alcoholic. It's a life sentence, and you're going to have to accept that. But the good news is that you can stop acting like an alcoholic, and except for that one glitch of vulnerability, you can be a normal person for the rest of your life, as long as you don't take that drink. Be alert watching for your AV. At first you have to watch all the time, but eventually it will become a habit. You will do it naturally.

It's odd. The second AA meeting I was at, I ended up talking to a guy who had been around for years, and he told me something that was a great relief. I was talking about my cravings, and how much I wanted a drink, and I told him if I could just get rid of the cravings, I would probably be OK. He nodded in agreement and told me that he goes through that too when he puts the bottle away for a month or a year, but he added that after a few days, the cravings just seem like silly thoughts in his head. I needed to know that because I was on a knife's edge ready to take a drink at any time. I needed to know this vicious cycle was not going to be permanent. Now the sad part of this little story is that this guy who had been around for years, and who was a sober as a judge during that conversation, never seemed to learn the skills needed in Stage Two of recovery. You might say he was an expert at powering through the cravings, but could never learn to deal with his AV and his head games. He could stay sober for a year, but then he would drink again, probably thinking he could just power through Stage One whenever he decided to quit again.

The problem is that alcoholism is progressive (read about "kindling" and progression of alcoholism). Each time he went through Stage One, it got a little bit harder and about 5 or 10 years later, he quit for the last time and drank himself to death within a two years. Learn to keep track of your alcoholic voice and learn to ignore it. After a few years, it will mostly go away, but not completely. Even after 25 years of sobriety, I will still get a crazy thought that a drink would be nice. It only happens maybe once a year, but it scares the bejabbers out of me knowing that thing is still there hiding and waiting.

didit4me<

Hello Kaily, Coz, Dee, thank you.

DriGuy, There is probably so much more to your post than I am taking in or comprehending right now. I have read it a few times, slowly, and I am understanding a lot of what you are saying. I’ll probably get more of it, understanding wise, when I re read all these posts again, which has been my plan, to reread this thread, to revisit the changes I am having and to pick up ideas I probably missed the first time.

I wanted to highlight a few sentences, just so I can work on a few things at a time that seem to be in my thoughts lately.



I welcome advice from everyone because even though I think I know what and how to do this, I have to put my know it all pride, which I do have, away, and realize that I don’t know how to do this, I am clueless at this in a way. I do like to learn and I want to learn, and I can’t learn unless I put my guard down and open up and listen. In this instance of my quitting, I am seeing there is so much more to it, the, “what to do plan” that I see posted so much on this forum. I didn’t quite get that before, but I am seeing it now.

I could be wrong here, but if I am reading correctly, powering through and fighting the craving is different and does not work quite as well as dealing with the craving?

Yesterday at the store I did notice the ice box with beers, and what I did at the time was to not use sexy words to what I was seeing, like, “that refreshing cold pretty bottle”, instead I used the thought “look past the pretty picture on the bottle and see the liquid inside, it is unhealthy and won’t be as refreshing as a cold sparking flavored, carbonated mineral water”.

When I am in a position that becomes uncomfortable, I have been saying, “hey I forgot to do this”, and then leave the area I am in, and not engaging in any questions of my decision. Or, simple things like turning news off, breathing deep and trying my best to clear my head and think of a peaceful place, or go for a walk.

My thought process seems to be changing daily, I don’t feel so hopeless, I can see change. But as you mentioned that is a cue for the AV to pat me on the back and say it is ok. The head games is a little sketchy on how to deal with.

I am rambling again, and I am getting confused and foggy headed again, and if anyone wants to add some clarity or direction to my thoughts or posts, I welcome it.

didit4me<

Nightly check in, I didit, day 13 tomorrow, then 2 weeks. It really seems to be going faster now.

DriGuy

[QUOTE=didit4meXO;7456291]
I could be wrong here, but if I am reading correctly, powering through and fighting the craving is different and does not work quite as well as dealing with the craving?
[QUOTE]

I don't know. The craving part of my recovery was not very long. So while I made it through them (after a large number of false starts), I wasn't in that stage long enough to become the expert. I just got to a point where I was obsessing less and less, and realized I no longer had to "do battle" with the cravings. It may be different for you. What you are discovering right now is a lot about who you are, and how you process, or "deal" with cravings. You discover the answers inside yourself, and you know when your doing it right if it's working for you. Yes, there's always a danger of false pride, overconfidence, and other self lies we engage in. So how do you know you are doing that? True confidence comes from success. If you are having more and more successes, your confidence is probably warranted, and you're probably being honest with yourself.

Having said that, once you're no longer beating your head against the wall battling with cravings, you move onto what I called Stage Two, and your next comment suggests that you are finding was to live in Stage Two:

This is what I was talking about. You're recognizing your AV telling you how good that pretty cold bottle will taste, and your dealing with it by thinking it through. Lots of people call this "playing the tape forward," and identifying the actual consequences you're AV is trying to make you forget.

You're weighing your thoughts, and your learning. I assume you are mostly done with the godawful cravings. To me, head games like thinking about the pretty cold bottle are like mini cravings, but are not so tormenting. Their goal is to sooth you, rather than badger. They want you to let down your guard and do something stupid. The defense against them is to be on the alert all the time and recognize them. Eventually, you will do this naturally. The action that you need to take is to laugh at your AV (actually this amounts to laughing at yourself), and then refusing to buy into the head game.


Yeah, it's probably time to take a break and stop overthinking it. It's like turning off the TV. By the way, I'm a big fan of turning off the TV. I'm such a big fan that I got rid of mine about 8 years ago. The news and commercials were driving me up the wall, and I finally realized I didn't have to listen to it. There is no law that I have to watch the TV like I'm some kind of pre programmed robot. I do have some free will, and what seemed really stupid is that I was paying a lot of money to do something I didn't like in the first place.