didit4me<

The conversations are good here, it has made me think “more”.

Cravings, thinking of drinking, thoughts of drinking and withdrawal symptoms.

With this quit, my final quit, gives me the willies saying that, but I have to be firm and take a stance on my future direction with this, and what I am doing today, is not drinking is what matters. And, what I am thinking about this is; the first couple of days, I think it was more of thinking of drinking and a lot of tension and anxiety where I was very irritable which I am thinking was more withdrawal.

In the past times when I attempted quitting, when I didn’t drink for a day or few days I had a lot of pacing the floor, grabbing my purse, putting my purse back, talking to myself, do I go to the store, do I drink, a lot of mind arguing. Those were the cravings that ended up leading me to drink.

Breaking it down and making some logic out of it, makes it more understandable for me. I am getting to know more of what I am dealing with.

I think I have lived in my old life style for so long and I was getting more tired of it and wanted change so terribly bad I was at the point I was just about going to do anything, which could have turned out badly because I was ready to sell the house, move, get anywhere, just away. But, drinking would have come along for the ride. I wanted and want a clean break. I remember lying in bed one morning, so sick of it all, me, my life, everything because I felt like I had nothing. I said to myself, just start with one thing, the biggest thing, and that was to give up the drinking. Give yourself some time, clear your head, then make decisions about my future. If I am going to do this right, I need a strong mind and strong body and clean, clear thoughts, I can’t make any mistakes, and as a drunk hungover person, I’ll be useless in making decisions.

I am rambling again, but thoughts are running through my head. I want to work through all this and sort this all out.

Quote:

I do have some free will, and what seemed really stupid is that I was paying a lot of money to do something I didn't like in the first place.

That is so true in so many areas of life. I watched a movie the other day, The Adjustment Bureau with Matt Damon, and these people were trying to change him to conform to what they thought his future should be, and he just wouldn’t do it, and it fought it the whole way. At the end they talked about his free will and at the time I thought it is so easy to lose our free will and watching the movie gave me more motivation to achieve MY dream. It was a really good movie! Ha ha, at least that is the way I perceived it, with this foggy head I have sometimes, I may have missed the punch line, but at this point it works for me the way I remember the movie.

That is about all the thinking I have for today, brain cells are starting to take a nap.

Coz

Hi didit

It is great that you are putting so much effort into your recovery. Again, I really admire your attitude and the work that you are doing to understand how to tame the alcohol beast.

I found Driguys post interesting, particularly:
From my newbie experience, and noting the potential difference between thoughts and cravings, I experienced really strong cravings in the first four or five days, but then they became just thoughts. In those first days, I new I would be suffering physically anyway, so just gritted my teeth and cried a lot. The thoughts that followed (and still happen just about every day) I was able to use distraction and logical reasoning to dismiss. There was only the one social occasion that the thought was verging on a craving which was much more challenging. I related Driguy's stage 2 AV to my experience last time I gave up drinking earlier this year. I was sober for two months and feeling pretty confident and so much better health wise. Then one afternoon, completely out of the blue, I decided that I had to have a drink. No trigger reason or sense to it, I just needed a drink. So told hubby and asked if he could go down to bottle shop and grab a couple of bottles of wine. He did question me on whether I was sure, but I was adamant that I wanted/needed a wine. While he was out, I was absolutely impatient and needed that drink. Even the 20 minute wait didn't quell the need - I was all consumed by wanting to drink. I so wasn't prepared for that obsession to occur and it did come out of the blue. There were no thoughts that I could be a normal drinker - just that I needed a drink. So I guess in my mind, we do get better at managing the thoughts and mild cravings, but there remains a very powerful AV in the background waiting for the moment to take control.

I am a bit more aware of this potential this time around, and have put together a step by step plan for if it happens again. It was a very different AV calling to the thoughts and little cravings of the very early recovery time.

​​​​​​​Keep up the great work and I look forward to seeing your TWO WEEK post really soon!

Kaily

I suffered with cravings longer than the average person. Agonising relentless argumentative attacks. I find now the best form of defence is acknowledging what they are and accepting they are annoying but they are just AV. Yes that the beer, wine, vodka whatever looks extremely tempting at times but I am very aware it is not for me and never can be again.

It has been the fight of my life and I am now amazingly and thankfully 19 months sober. Perseverance pays off.

Good going didit.

Kaily

Sorry mean't 17 months. ^

didit4me<

Hello Kaily, Coz, and DriGuy, and any readers that stop by, hello.

This is wonderful Kaily. You are strong and you are making it happen for yourself, and showing others it can be done. Very happy for you.


Tonight I can say I didit for 14 days, two weeks and I am feeling pretty good about that.

I went for a really long walk this afternoon and stopped outside a pretty church along the way and sat on one of their benches under some trees and just reflected on a few things I am trying to work out for myself right now.

I am feeling real feelings right now, it is so much easier to make plans. This is definitely a better way to live.

Not much more to say tonight, I am going to just go enjoy and relax and probably watch a movie. Just feeling peaceful tonight so I am going to go kick back for the night.

didit

Dee74

Congrats Didit

D

didit4me<

Thank you Dee

From the high to reality. I am what I eat.

Last night I ate a big bowl of ice cream. Sugar doesn’t agree with me, it affects my hunger level and my mood. I have been enjoying the past few nights of such sound sleep, but last night I woke up at 4 am and the endless loop of thoughts kept me awake, just like the drinking days. I woke up feeling a little defeated but I realize it was just a bad night from what I ate earlier. I am going to keep my eating clean.

As for the spinning thoughts at 4 am. It was about my walk and the sitting and thinking yesterday. At the time, 4 am, it all felt confusing, but now as I write this out, there isn’t much backbone to it. It was more of, “will I actually make these changes and do all these things my excited, feeling good, pink cloud head is plotting?” It wasn’t a go back to drinking thinking, it was more of accepting reality type of thinking.

Sunday, I’ll just make it a day of rest.

didit4me<

End of day 16, very happy about this.

I am posting from my tablet instead of computer and it is 2 finger typing and I can't get desktop version to work, it keeps reverting to mobile which is strange. Ha, ha, I hope I am posting in right thread, we shall see after I hit submit.

So, as for me, I have enjoyed laughing more, especially while watching fun stuff on tv, I have turned off news and drama, I am more than ready to be over this lockdown.

I am in desperate need of a haircut, but they are not allowed to open yet in my area.

I am happy with myself and my progress.

My right side still hurts and is uncomfortable to sleep on, I look forward to the day I can say it doesn't hurt anymore.

My biggest obstacle lately is making sure to keep space away from opinions and uneasiness of drinkers and their lifestyle, which is not my lifestyle anymore, but unfortunately I can't get away from it. I might as well learn now how to deal with it.

So I am posting I didit
and I am going to continue doing it. Day 16.

Kaily

Well done on day 16, that's great.

didit4me<

Thanks Kaily,

I am just copying and pasting this from the May thread I am in since this is more of a thread of my progress and I didn't want to type something different at the moment.

I am another one with the boredom going crazy thing. We are still on pretty strict lock down. I drove around today just to get outside by myself and see what is open, and..... nada.... so much stuff is still closed. It is wearing on me.

I am at the point where I am not thinking much of the day count anymore, I have to go and look, which is an added bonus. So after looking at calendar, it is end of day 18.

I've been dealing with a chest cold and headache for past day or two, and a low fever last night, so I am not real active reading here today, so that isn't helping my mood.

I wanted to post to stay accountable. Take care everyone.

didit and doing it

DriGuy

You are doing so well, Didit. You're success actually makes me happy. Can you imagine that? I don't know why, but watching someone who is finding their way out of the dark brings me joy. Recovery is an interesting journey. It all seems new and different, and early on it's challenge after challenge. Climbing this hill or that, and stand offs with yourself over one thing or another. It's a learning experience, and for me those periodic high spots kept me going. It's work. There is no question about it, but the work needs to be done and starts to become second nature as you go. As people here will tell you, it gets easier with time. The part you are going through right now was an exciting part of my life, which is why I guess I like seeing others going through it. I get to experience the excitement again. Now my life by comparison is what I call mostly quiet. I still have things to deal with from time to time, but I don't have to struggle much anymore. I'm mostly just riding along quietly without much conflict or chaos. It's quite comfortable. It feels like this is the way it's supposed to be.

didit4me<

Hello everyone,

I am checking in at 21 days which equals three weeks. Twenty one days sounds longer than three weeks, and twenty one days is 13 letters and today is the 13th day of this month. I am getting more creative as the days add up.

I am feeling better today, I had a low fever again yesterday morning, but nothing since, I still have a cough and I can feel it when I take a deep breath but I do feel better, not worse.

Thank you for the lovely post DriGuy, and also thank you for posting to me as I need to have thoughts and suggestions from people with more sober time than me. It reminds me a little of the tv series MOM, I love that show, but the advice from seasoned Marjorie to those still going through the stages and struggles shines light on the journey. And that is what I feel I get here, a little round table chit chat and advice. I like it and I need it.

As far as some of the excitement I am feeling is feeling my body on the outside change, I can put my hand on my upper chest and it feels so different; like I’ve lost weight but it is just not puffiness or bloating I think. My whole body looks less like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man or Woman, ha ha.

It takes a lot to upset me now, which is a big change. I just disengage, or remove myself. I don’t feel the need or even want to “get bothered” it is a waste of my time, so I don’t do it. So I guess I am saying I am actually a lot calmer and level headed. Feels good. I am not letting thoughts take over my head either, it is partly that I am not giving it the space to happen, and partly my healing brain saying it doesn’t need it.

On to week four, starting tomorrow which will bring a month.

So I am doing it and I didit, Day 21

Coz

Many congrats didit. Three weeks is awesome.


I giggled at your 21 days sounds better than three weeks AND the letter count. Something makes me think that 13 is your sobriety number - it has cropped up a couple of times.
I was thinking about my recent 5 week milestone and I thought that 5 weeks sounded more than 35 days. Day counts were good for the first month, but I am going to run with the weeks instead from now. I know it isn't important and everyday sober is fantastic, but can't help being self-congratulatory in reaching milestones.

Glad you are feeling a bit better and have the strength to step away from other stresses that aren't important to you.

Keep up the great work!

Dee74

Well done on 3 weeksdidit4meXO

D

Hevyn

Wonderful news - 21 days - fabulous.

fini

twenty-one days is great!
and being able to be calm and disengaging when necessary or desirable is such a positive skill!
you’re doingit!

DriGuy

Some change requires forced change. Those changes took the longest for me. Resentment was the hardest for me. It's not because I didn't want to let go of resentments. I could see how destructive they were to me personally. I could wreck an entire hike into the mountains by myself, stewing about someone who had betrayed me or offended me in some way, and missing half the good things that were happening around me. It took a lot of force and practice to shove those out of the way. For other people it may be easier or harder. But some changes happen without giving them a thought, and those were happy surprises, and they were especially delightful because as far as I could tell, they were simply the result of not drinking anymore.

I've always believed that if you can make it a month, you can keep it up for the rest of your life. You've got the hard part out of the way and are free to personally grow with a clear head. This may not be the same for binge drinkers that go for months without a drink and then lapse. I had a friend who was like that. I never understood the mechanism that causes binge drinking. I just know that I was so happy to be sober that I was going to hang onto it and never let it go, even when my AV would send me a message telling me I was strong enough that I could drink and stop anytime I wanted. Incidentally, I believe my friend got over binge drinking. I don't know how, because he unusually private about these things.

Not only does it get easier, which has been said over and over in this forum to every newcomer. It also gets BETTER, maybe not suddenly, but over the years, you will realize your life has improved, sometimes even though you weren't even watching. Keep your eye on sobriety, and a lot of good things follow from that. I've often said after I had been in AA for a few months and experienced some changes that if all I got out of the program was to never drink another drop, I would have been 100% satisfied. The personal growth was frosting for sure, and I'll take that too (now that you are sober, you might as well put it to good use), but if all that came out of it for me was sobriety, I would have considered it worth it. But most people agree you need to do more with sobriety to stay sober. They are probably right.

Verdantia

Hey, didit--Brilliant job on 21 days! You are putting a lot of thought and work into sobriety and that's exactly what it takes. As you move forward you will continue to feel and look better and your life will improve in ways that will amaze you. I had a dream of getting a degree after being out of school for many, many years--I am 59--but while I was drinking this was impossible. After two years of sobriety I enrolled in college, got financial aid, and started taking classes in social work. Now my degree is 94% complete and I have only to take American Sign Language 2 to graduate, but I've applied to another school to finish my 4 year degree. I used to think that I'd messed up my life too badly to redeem it, but it really is never too late to have a decent, dignified, fulfilling life. Keep up the great work!

didit4me<

Hello,

This is such a different type of post compared to my last one. This is what I am going through right now.

Quote:

Some change requires forced change.

I am coming up on six weeks tomorrow. After I hit one month I started to slowly go quiet here because I have been falling from that pink cloud to, for me I am going to call it, a depression for me. A complete polar opposite of the way I was feeling the first month.

I am fighting change which doesn’t always work for me. I need to accept that things have changed in our daily living and make it work, but I do have a stubborn streak and not doing it my way makes me mad.

I was hoping for freedom, getting out, getting away, taking a trip when I wanted with my new sober life, wearing new things, taking on a different look, trying new things. Now, I find myself just wearing the same thing, something I can wash easily after being in congested areas with people. I am starting to get germ phobic to excess.

It is hot, and wearing a mask is hot, I pull up my hair and clip it on top of my head so I don’t sweat so much while wearing the mask when I am out. I think breathing that mask and lack of air flow is bad for breathing and our health, it gives me a sore throat and an irritating cough after wearing it, and I have changed mask types and starting making my own. One lady I spoke with says it gives her a bloody nose after a long time wearing it during the day.

I know I am having a temper tantrum here, and each sentence I wrote started with “I” me me me.

This pandemic is hard on all of us. I am sorry for making this all about me.

I finished up this month’s bill paying, and looking back at last month when I took care of them in the early quit, I made a lot of errors. Seeing how long it is taking to get back to normal, I realize just how much damage I have done to myself with drinking poison. Up and down mood swings, brain clarity comes and goes, mostly goes lately.

This is why I haven’t posted. I sound weak, I feel weak, I don’t like showing this part of me, I always feel like I should be strong.

I needed to write that out.

I have just been down and I want to feel more upbeat again. I think holding in my feelings is making it worse, so here are my feelings and may they lift now that I let them out. I write here openly, but I really am a private person and I don't share much to others in my everyday life.

Maybe "this" is the new normal, it all is new territory for me, it certainly isn't just quitting. I think this is where my controlling nature comes in to play, I don't have control right now. Maybe that is part of the reason I use to drink, if I couldn't control my surroundings I could control my escape which I thought the drink gave me?

Ramble over I needed that. Thanks for letting me share.

Dee74

Hi didit

doesn't forget it's called recovery for a reason

we're recovering from years of ill treatment to body and mind - the mood swings, the irritability and the bouts of despair are all pretty normal and I think it's our minds and bodies healing.

6 weeks is great...but it's also just 6 weeks.
It won't always be like this tho - it will get better.

In AA they say don't leave before the miracle happens - so don't give up now

By 3 months I was feeling good again - but I had some associative medical problems to sort out as well - it may be even sooner for you.

D