This last episode was horrible.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 244
Originally Posted by thomas11 
I'll try to keep this as short as can be. If you were concerned about me, I appreciate it, I was concerned about me this last go round. I want to end this post on a high note so I'll start with the bad stuff. I spiraled out of control over a family dispute. That in combination with a job interview that went ka-put, my brain was like a hand grenade. So I drank.....and drank...and drank. And when it came time to pay the piper it was bad. I am usually able to recover in 24 hours. This last time took me 4 days to get back to normal. I thought seizure, heart attack and stroke were all on the table. Shakes and weakness were almost uncontrollable. Fear of impending doom came and went. The whole thing left me with a healthy dose of fear of alcohol.
Now the so called good news, I made it out alive and got myself stabilized. But something happened this time and I can't put my finger on it. My view towards alcohol changed. I absolutely don't feel I am depriving myself of anything, and I view it as what it is I guess, which is poison. Now, I did not have this change of thought as a conscious decision, I didn't "flip a switch", I just woke up one of those days and felt different. Maybe my higher power performed some type of devine intervention. Don't know.
Lastly, I'm guessing some of you may ask what I may add to assist in my sobriety, like AA. Well, I thought about that. I came to believe strongly in a higher power a few years ago, and I think I am going to find a church to attend. THere are plenty around where I live that are my denomination? (not even sure what the right word is here, not a religious person).
Anyway, I HAD to go radio silent for awhile and get my head out of my rear end. Damn ridiculous and shameful. But here I am. Hope all of you are well. Jeff.
Now the so called good news, I made it out alive and got myself stabilized. But something happened this time and I can't put my finger on it. My view towards alcohol changed. I absolutely don't feel I am depriving myself of anything, and I view it as what it is I guess, which is poison. Now, I did not have this change of thought as a conscious decision, I didn't "flip a switch", I just woke up one of those days and felt different. Maybe my higher power performed some type of devine intervention. Don't know.
Lastly, I'm guessing some of you may ask what I may add to assist in my sobriety, like AA. Well, I thought about that. I came to believe strongly in a higher power a few years ago, and I think I am going to find a church to attend. THere are plenty around where I live that are my denomination? (not even sure what the right word is here, not a religious person).
Anyway, I HAD to go radio silent for awhile and get my head out of my rear end. Damn ridiculous and shameful. But here I am. Hope all of you are well. Jeff.
Have a great sober day today!
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
Glad you made out alive, Jeff. I have witnessed someone in severe withdrawal, and it's super scary to watch. I had to take him to the hospital, because I was sure he was going to die if I didn't. He didn't want to go. That man did find sobriety, for a while. He went back out, drank for about 3 years, and then shot himself. I don't know for sure, because he wouldn't tell me or anyone else, but I'm pretty sure his liver and kidneys were shot when he died. I saw him briefly a while before he killed himself, and he looked horrible.
The point of this story is - that stuff will kill you. I want you and everyone else who suffers this disease to live. The ONLY way to make sure alcohol doesn't kill you in some way, shape or form is to put it down and never pick it up again.
I hope you can find a way to hold onto that new feeling you have. I had that feeling on December 4, 2014, and I have hung onto it since then with a mixture of methods (AA being a big part of it, but not the only part). Witnessing other people ruin or lose their lives due to alcohol in the past 5+ years has been a huge motivator for me. Don't let that happen to you, Jeff. Do whatever it takes.
The point of this story is - that stuff will kill you. I want you and everyone else who suffers this disease to live. The ONLY way to make sure alcohol doesn't kill you in some way, shape or form is to put it down and never pick it up again.
I hope you can find a way to hold onto that new feeling you have. I had that feeling on December 4, 2014, and I have hung onto it since then with a mixture of methods (AA being a big part of it, but not the only part). Witnessing other people ruin or lose their lives due to alcohol in the past 5+ years has been a huge motivator for me. Don't let that happen to you, Jeff. Do whatever it takes.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Glad you made it back. While you were away, I learned that a past workmate of mine is in the hospital on a ventilator with failing kidneys due to a recent extended binge. He was never that heavy of a drinker that i knew of at least, but since he retired he apparently spiraled down as his job was his whole life. He hasn't even been gone for a full calendar year and the docs give him about a 50-50 chance of making it through.
Point being, we don't get unlimited chances at this. I hope you seize the opportunity you've been given.
Point being, we don't get unlimited chances at this. I hope you seize the opportunity you've been given.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by MLD51
Glad you made out alive, Jeff. I have witnessed someone in severe withdrawal, and it's super scary to watch. I had to take him to the hospital, because I was sure he was going to die if I didn't. He didn't want to go. That man did find sobriety, for a while. He went back out, drank for about 3 years, and then shot himself. I don't know for sure, because he wouldn't tell me or anyone else, but I'm pretty sure his liver and kidneys were shot when he died. I saw him briefly a while before he killed himself, and he looked horrible.
The point of this story is - that stuff will kill you. I want you and everyone else who suffers this disease to live. The ONLY way to make sure alcohol doesn't kill you in some way, shape or form is to put it down and never pick it up again.
I hope you can find a way to hold onto that new feeling you have. I had that feeling on December 4, 2014, and I have hung onto it since then with a mixture of methods (AA being a big part of it, but not the only part). Witnessing other people ruin or lose their lives due to alcohol in the past 5+ years has been a huge motivator for me. Don't let that happen to you, Jeff. Do whatever it takes.
The point of this story is - that stuff will kill you. I want you and everyone else who suffers this disease to live. The ONLY way to make sure alcohol doesn't kill you in some way, shape or form is to put it down and never pick it up again.
I hope you can find a way to hold onto that new feeling you have. I had that feeling on December 4, 2014, and I have hung onto it since then with a mixture of methods (AA being a big part of it, but not the only part). Witnessing other people ruin or lose their lives due to alcohol in the past 5+ years has been a huge motivator for me. Don't let that happen to you, Jeff. Do whatever it takes.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
It only happened in October. This man was someone I had had a pretty serious relationship with not too many years ago. I had known him since we were in Junior High. I was blown away by grief when I found out he killed himself. I knew he was suffering and I had tried so hard to get him to get help. He had gotten to the point where he felt he was beyond saving, not worthy of anyone's concern or help. It was totally heartbreaking for me, and everyone else who loved him. And completely unnecessary.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Great you are back Jeff. I'm glad you made it out. I think that switch that went off in your head is your survival instinct kicking in and letting you know this is it. It is awesome to have you back and posting. You have unrivaled support on this site and should take advantage of that. Living in Day 78 here and grateful for every calm and quiet moment.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Colorado
Posts: 702
Welcome back, Jeff! I read your other posts, but didn’t comment because you had so much support, and to be honest, I didn’t know what to say. I will tell you, reading your post today, I really like this version of Jeff.
I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I haven’t found a church that feels right to me, so I use the Holy Bible app on my iPad. There are daily plans that help get me through difficult times. Anyway, glad to have you back and wishing you the best!
I can relate to a lot of what you posted. I haven’t found a church that feels right to me, so I use the Holy Bible app on my iPad. There are daily plans that help get me through difficult times. Anyway, glad to have you back and wishing you the best!
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
It's good to hear from you, Jeff! I have been anxiously checking to look for a post from you. Just know that AA is always there if you want. But I think going to church and connecting with a spiritual community is a good idea for recovery.
Have a great day!
Have a great day!
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
If we can take any positives from what happened, I'm sure you learned a few things and anyone reading about it can see just how bad a relapse can be and maybe keep them from doing the same thing. Welcome back! We need you here!
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Kerry, Ireland
Posts: 2,706
Sounds very bad, Jeff. It may be the wake up call you need though. I needed something like that last May for me to finally stop and realize that if I try to play with this thing I'm going to end up dead pretty soon. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by thomas11
Wow MLD, that's an awful story. How sad, yet I can understand. In the depths of alcoholism we are probably capable of anything, including shooting ourselves. I'm hanging on to this new feeling with everything I've got. I owe it to myself and others.
But action is more important. What is your plan, now? For me, and for you my friend, everything needs to be on the table to first survive, then live.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Jeff, I am so happy to see you again!
I believe in God and I believe in you. I just want you to know that I prayed for you today after I saw your post and I will never stop rooting for you.
rose
I believe in God and I believe in you. I just want you to know that I prayed for you today after I saw your post and I will never stop rooting for you.
rose
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,645
Originally Posted by thomas11
THanks Scott, these first hand accounts of people actually entering their next life are sobering (pun intended I guess). Its fricking scary when we get to that point.
Your liver and kidneys don't have to give out for withdrawal to be hell.
This might be TMI, but on my last binge, my urine was dark yellow, almost orange for a week. I couldn't eat for two days - finally stomached something on day 3. And my eyes were also yellow for a week when I had enough contrast with my surroundings to tell. There wasn't a second I didn't want to throw up on day and night 1. Especially at night.
But we all know, not even these symptoms will keep us sober. For some reason, we just have to find something. This is one reason I don't beat myself up for my past. Alcoholism is a real thing; it has a huge mental health component. This is why I've been a fan of the phrase "One day at a time" for a long time. It's overwhelming to give up alcohol forever - it's not overwhelming to do so for 24 hours.
That being said, there's no reason to pick up. It ruins your life and destroys any semblance of happiness. Please, next time, go to an AA meeting and tell on yourself FIRST. Or come here and tell on yourself FIRST. We will congratulate you for winning the battle that day - and with any luck, we'll get to talk to you again. And when I say "your" or "you," I'm using the proverbial "you," talking to myself as much as anyone else.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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I'm very relieved to see your post, Jeff. I felt the same after my last binge - that something was different. Indeed it was - because I never picked up again. I really terrified myself and sensed that I wouldn't be around much longer if I didn't get free of it for good. So much life left to live - things we want to see and do - emotions we need to feel. We can't waste it. 
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Originally Posted by Hevyn
I'm very relieved to see your post, Jeff. I felt the same after my last binge - that something was different. Indeed it was - because I never picked up again. I really terrified myself and sensed that I wouldn't be around much longer if I didn't get free of it for good. So much life left to live - things we want to see and do - emotions we need to feel. We can't waste it.
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Originally Posted by August252015
Dude, what are you going to DO about it? Desire is worse than a fickle mistress. You know that.
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