Nathan57

Hi Jeff - I will just give you my experience for what it is worth. After EVERY bad binge (and there were many), and every horrific withdraw I thought I had saw the "light". I thought it was over and done. It wasn't. That feeling never lasted.

Until you work a program and learn how to deal with anger and disappointment without running to the battle, in my opinion, you will relapse. Again, this is my own experience.

Going to Church is all well and good. but it's not a program. I ended up going to an addiction counselor and attending weekly meetings with fellow alcoholics (not AA) to finally get sober. Read a LOT of literature. The addiction counselor gave me tools to use that didn't send me running for alcohol when I was angry or disappointed.

I wish you best. Nathan.

Houndheart

Glad you made it back.
Hope you can find a plan that works for you.

jryan19982

Sounds an awful lot like my history and how I got right.

ScottFromWI

What is your plan if it appeals to you tomorrow? You know as well as I do that it will rear it's head at some point ( desire ), why not make a plan for it? Watching TV and catching up on current events is a pleasant pasttime, but it's not a plan for sobriety by any stretch of the imagination.

August252015

My friend, that was my point - you cannot rely on the lack of desire to keep you sober. Not now, for sure.

The absence of any desire to drink is something I have found, as I worked that solid program I always talk about. Now, everything in my life is based on being a recovered alcoholic. And that means alcohol isn't something I ever consider.

Hawkeye13

I did have the “shift” after the final relapse, and haven’t had real “desire” for drinking since, but I also got pretty diligent on the self-designed program of recovery I made and kept amending to improve each time I went back out.

The battle is not just infantry head-on (such as resisting desire because the craving will present itself someday ), but relies on strategy of considering environmental and human triggers (by removing or resolution), intelligence-gathering of your current and past self(therapy and journaling), alliances like your many friends here on SR.

Finally, I keep building alternative tools / troops which I think of as air and navel support. Yoga and meditation are examples of these—when I meditate, I fly above myself and can more objectively see the map of Self that brought me here. Yoga is where I dive into the sea of my body and uncoil and release the pain of my childhood and adult life bit by bit.

It’s a war of positive attrition that I intend to win via systematic actions and attention over the long haul.

A stretched military metaphor, perhaps, but effective for me. I don’t want booze to kill me or destroy my relationships with others, especially myself. I can trust and rely on the sober me, but the drunk me, the part that embodies addiction, is a tragic yet treacherous double-agent feeding me lies.

I don’t ever forget that now because the last time was nearly the last.

thomas11

Well, to you, Scott and some others. I don't have answer right now. I just don't. It seems the wise thing at this point would be to start giving various programs some serious consideration. And then of course take action.

August252015

I heard this today in a meeting:
"Faith without works is dead - and willingness without action is ridiculous."

At some point, "I don't know" just had to quit being my answer.

ScottFromWI

I'd agree that would be wise. Definitely something you could explore with your counselor too.

The taking action part is the most important IMHO. If you consider too long or try to make it too complicated you know what will happen. It's perfectly acceptable to use the shotgun approach too - you live in a larger city where there are very likely meetings daily for all of the major/mainstream recovery communities ( AA, Smart, LifeRing, etc ). Rather than considering each one first, just get in your car and go try some out.

You mentioned wanting to possibly find a church too - again, there are probably hundreds of them within a short drive of your house and likely several of them also host recovery meetings. Another thing about churches s that almost all of them have something going on every day - not just on Sunday. Study groups, prayrer groups, community service groups, you name it. Getting involved at that level is a great way to learn more about the people and community.

August252015

In AA there are expressions like "the hundred pound telephone" or meeting reluctance...it CAN be so hard to do what Scott said - "get in the car and go." But whatever we are going to do to get sober, we have to do it.

Another AA saying that I've also heard in different words in all kinds of motivational books, psychology platforms, etc is one of the most legit things in my repertoire:

"You can't think your way into right acting. You have to act your way into right thinking."

Jeff, we can tell ya all day long what to do, what has worked for us, and you know that everything I say is coming from how I have found recovery here at 2 wks shy of 4yrs.

Taking the merest chance that ANYTHING was better than where I was in Feb 2016 was the best (non) risk I've ever taken.

Derringer

Someone once pointed out to me "how do you know if someone is really willing to do something ? Easy, you'll see them already doing it"

What occured to me later, after the devastating simplicity of that question and answer was that .....

How many times was I willing to have a drink ?
Thousands of times. I can easily see how willing I was, because I did just that.

​​​​​​It then followed that, if I could reverse that willingness to take action and channel it towards sobriety, this not drinking thing, might be a whole lot easier. As it has proved to be.

The brain you are attempting to use to figure out how to get and stay sober, is the exact same brain that has gotten you drunk thousands of times.

Are you in "analysis paralysis" ?

Is it time to take action beyond mere thought ?

ThatWasTheOldMe

Your addiction will feed on your insecurities, Jeff. That's what it does. Every little thing you worry about is a reason for it to get you to that liquor store.

It will also feed on your successes. Time to celebrate right?
It will really feed on your failures. "Well I messed that up, might as well drink."
It will also feed on the smallest of things like weird social interactions. "That made me feel awkward - I'll forget if I drink."
It will also feed on your brain's reward center. "I'm good at video games if I have a few."

The longer you get from that last horrible drunk - withdrawal cycle, the easier it is for it to break down your barriers. And the problem with this is, your body doesn't recover that fast and there is significant evidence that an alcoholic's brain chemistry will always be VERY sensitive to ethanol, meaning you'll most likely withdrawal even after a moderate binge. Even after years of abstinence.

Unless you strengthen those barriers against your addiction like Scott and August are suggesting. It might suck to admit it at AA, but everyone has been there. It might suck if you don't like the idea of a higher power or God, but at the end of the day, you can work through that. What you can't work though is death from alcoholism. It will take everything, including your life.

And that's not hyperbole. Also I'm an atheist and I go to AA. Going tonight as a matter of fact.

Duffster

Hi Jeff,

Finding a good, supportive church is a great thing! Have you checked to see if there are any Celebrate Recovery meetings in your area? It's similar to AA but Christian based - I love the CR meetings at my church.

Steely

I think Jeff is doing great.

thomas11

To all those telling me about getting involved in a program: message received.

Interesting therapy session today. Actually it was what he considered the first therapy session and the first two were a getting acquainted.

I won't go into it, but he brought up 3 different things that got me thinking and that I had never considered. So I'm encouraged by this. We'll see where it goes, but if today is an indication, it could open doors.

Dee74

I'd widen out the message to simply 'take action' Jeff.

Embracing change is hard and scary - but everyone here is rooting for you - you're part of the family, Jeff.

We don't want to see you needlessly self destruct.

D

Steely

I'm really glad your therapy sessions are working out for you Jeff.

Three thing? Now you've got me wondering. Three is a really good number.

thomas11

Thanks Dee. As much as I hate to admit this, I agree with what you say about embracing change. It is hard, really hard. And I'm stubborn, and I know I'm stubborn, but I need to get over it.

Dee74

I think a refusal to change, when the alternative is clearly self destruction, goes above and beyond stubborn Jeff.

Its a kind of fear - paralysing and mind numbing.

You can always use your stubborness for good, instead of evil

D

ThatWasTheOldMe

The point of my post was just to do something to strengthen that barrier between you and your addiction or it will take your life. I used AA as an example, but there are many somethings.

I did not intend to preach at you or anything if it came off that way. I just have personal experience with what fueled my own addiction, and with what I've read and heard from others, a lot of those things are common. For me, drinking was a symptom of something bigger, I relapsed (many times) when something overwhelmed that barrier between me and my addiction.

Also, I separate me and my addiction on purpose. It's just a poor coping mechanism that seems like the easy way out. It is an it. I am me. I don't even know me yet.