Met with my sponsor for the first time...
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,073
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
One very useful step, the only step we get to work out of order, is step ten, when it comes to surviving the ups and downs of the early days. My alcoholic mind, it turns out, was very capable of creating a whole new mess even though I wasn't drinking.
Step ten is simple. It suggests we clean up any new mistakes as we go along. Watch for only four things, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. When they crop up, ask God at once to remove them. Don't wait. Call someone, make amends if required, turn our minds to someone we can help.
FWIW I think you are both right and 10+11 can be started any time. It's the 12th step that really needs the foundation and experience of the other steps before sponsoring others.
Now let me bring this back around to the original topic.
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
You are so right Suze - I would just be starting out from a scary negative place. She was really lovely and I get the impression that this must have been something she did in early recovery. She still goes to 4 or 5 a week and has 18 months sober (which is brilliant) but I suppose it must be fairly new for her. Feels like that whole strict to be kind philosophy. Love you too hun xx
As the saying goes time takes time and from what I have seen sponsors with more time generally make better sponsors.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by AAPJ
Interesting thoughts about step 10. I was at my home group last week and we were discussing the 11th step which is no surprise since a lot of meetings concentrate on the steps to follow the month of the year. One of the more tenured members said that in his opinion step 11 could be done out of order because it was never too early to start praying and meditating.
FWIW I think you are both right and 10+11 can be started any time. It's the 12th step that really needs the foundation and experience of the other steps before sponsoring others.
Now let me bring this back around to the original topic.
To me (and this is just me) I see 18 months of sobriety as pretty minimal qualifications for a sponsor. It may explain the excessive meeting attendance requirement. My sponsor had almost 10 years of sobriety when I chose him.
As the saying goes time takes time and from what I have seen sponsors with more time generally make better sponsors.
FWIW I think you are both right and 10+11 can be started any time. It's the 12th step that really needs the foundation and experience of the other steps before sponsoring others.
Now let me bring this back around to the original topic.
To me (and this is just me) I see 18 months of sobriety as pretty minimal qualifications for a sponsor. It may explain the excessive meeting attendance requirement. My sponsor had almost 10 years of sobriety when I chose him.
As the saying goes time takes time and from what I have seen sponsors with more time generally make better sponsors.
I feel the counselling I'm getting is really helping just now and I'm developing some level of trust in myself. It's grounding me a bit and I need that now. I think maybe sponsorship can wait a wee while until I find my feet and get into a comfortable routine, that I can maintain xx
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by AAPJ
Interesting thoughts about step 10. I was at my home group last week and we were discussing the 11th step which is no surprise since a lot of meetings concentrate on the steps to follow the month of the year. One of the more tenured members said that in his opinion step 11 could be done out of order because it was never too early to start praying and meditating.
FWIW I think you are both right and 10+11 can be started any time. It's the 12th step that really needs the foundation and experience of the other steps before sponsoring others.
Now let me bring this back around to the original topic.
To me (and this is just me) I see 18 months of sobriety as pretty minimal qualifications for a sponsor. It may explain the excessive meeting attendance requirement. My sponsor had almost 10 years of sobriety when I chose him.
As the saying goes time takes time and from what I have seen sponsors with more time generally make better sponsors.
FWIW I think you are both right and 10+11 can be started any time. It's the 12th step that really needs the foundation and experience of the other steps before sponsoring others.
Now let me bring this back around to the original topic.
To me (and this is just me) I see 18 months of sobriety as pretty minimal qualifications for a sponsor. It may explain the excessive meeting attendance requirement. My sponsor had almost 10 years of sobriety when I chose him.
As the saying goes time takes time and from what I have seen sponsors with more time generally make better sponsors.
I feel the counselling I'm getting is really helping just now and I'm developing some level of trust in myself. It's grounding me a bit and I need that now. I think maybe sponsorship can wait a wee while until I find my feet and get into a comfortable routine, that I can maintain xx
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I found that one of the two best directives my first sponsor gave me was to read pp 84-88 and 417-418 every day, and do the 10/11 inventory and prayer. I connect those two steps closely, btw. I did that every morning for 3+ yrs til a few months ago; I started a diff approach of flipping to a random part of the BB to read every day, and it's been a great way to learn more, and of course see more and more that I connect with, esp in people's stories.
The inventory questions - done each morning for the day prior, actually, as I believe that "sleeping on it" lends to being more honest about my previous day! - has been a hugely good habit for me! Even a spot check along the way - especially "Am I being selfish or self-centered about [this]?"
Y'know, the sponsor requirement hits me a little wrong too, at times. Around here it's usually a year and I see so many people rushing to sponsor! I sure wasn't ready and it was actually 2 ish yrs when I became open to consciously taking on sponsees. I heard a friend of mine who is doing great - in his 9/10 mo!- talk about working with his first sponsor. I just don't feel that is often a steady deal and certainly wouldn't get a sponsor who was so early.
I actually don't sponsor much, and definitely would only have the capacity to work with one person at a time. I spend so much energy in service in the every growing world of the restaurant industry group I lead, with many similarities to sponsorship, mentorship, assistance with getting help needed that is my service work in its largest form.
My $0.02.
The inventory questions - done each morning for the day prior, actually, as I believe that "sleeping on it" lends to being more honest about my previous day! - has been a hugely good habit for me! Even a spot check along the way - especially "Am I being selfish or self-centered about [this]?"
Y'know, the sponsor requirement hits me a little wrong too, at times. Around here it's usually a year and I see so many people rushing to sponsor! I sure wasn't ready and it was actually 2 ish yrs when I became open to consciously taking on sponsees. I heard a friend of mine who is doing great - in his 9/10 mo!- talk about working with his first sponsor. I just don't feel that is often a steady deal and certainly wouldn't get a sponsor who was so early.
I actually don't sponsor much, and definitely would only have the capacity to work with one person at a time. I spend so much energy in service in the every growing world of the restaurant industry group I lead, with many similarities to sponsorship, mentorship, assistance with getting help needed that is my service work in its largest form.
My $0.02.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
That's what I seek to be and my willingness to commit and try to do my best service has a capacity of one. I've struggled with finding the right sponsor this year - particularly with one who just couldn't/didn't want to be available. It's different being at the point I am (ie not starting the steps brand new) and seek the right sponsor for me, now.
Also - my daily view of step 12 is that it can be done in a million ways, not AA-specific. I'm of service when I call someone by name and thank them for something they did; like the ladies I see most every day getting my ice cream or diet coke fix. I'm friends with one enough that she knew about my back surgery and I something about her. Or holding the door, or treating someone to lunch, or bringing in the paper...or seeing the list of things my husband needed for a retreat he is on this weekend, and putting together the bedding and towels....
My capacity for helping others is enormous and can be an emotional burden in some ways, with the ever growing demands of the restaurant industry group I lead. People all over the country reach out, I get random calls from someone who knows someone who said to call me, like last wk to help a guy get his 60 ish yr old mom somewhere that day. That's a form of sponsorship to me.
We all approach giving back, service, and formal sponsorship differently, which I think makes the whole world a better place for all.
Also - my daily view of step 12 is that it can be done in a million ways, not AA-specific. I'm of service when I call someone by name and thank them for something they did; like the ladies I see most every day getting my ice cream or diet coke fix. I'm friends with one enough that she knew about my back surgery and I something about her. Or holding the door, or treating someone to lunch, or bringing in the paper...or seeing the list of things my husband needed for a retreat he is on this weekend, and putting together the bedding and towels....
My capacity for helping others is enormous and can be an emotional burden in some ways, with the ever growing demands of the restaurant industry group I lead. People all over the country reach out, I get random calls from someone who knows someone who said to call me, like last wk to help a guy get his 60 ish yr old mom somewhere that day. That's a form of sponsorship to me.
We all approach giving back, service, and formal sponsorship differently, which I think makes the whole world a better place for all.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
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I totally agree - being of service isn't just an AA principle but a life commitment. I am really working on that. My job is to support people but my awful social anxiety has meant I've not been great at that in my personal life.
I'm wading through a load of difficult and complicated emotions at the moment but I'm really trying to keep my focus on who I want to become. Or really, becoming who I really am! There is so much smoke and mirrors that these core principles are so important to me, as it's all the grounding I've got just now. I'm really afraid most of time but I'm still going. In my 7th week. No meds. That is good.
I'm still struggling with a consistent routine. I am going to try and read in the mornings. Thank you for all the suggestions 💕
I'm wading through a load of difficult and complicated emotions at the moment but I'm really trying to keep my focus on who I want to become. Or really, becoming who I really am! There is so much smoke and mirrors that these core principles are so important to me, as it's all the grounding I've got just now. I'm really afraid most of time but I'm still going. In my 7th week. No meds. That is good.
I'm still struggling with a consistent routine. I am going to try and read in the mornings. Thank you for all the suggestions 💕
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Gabe, that turbulent emotional stuff was very big and very real for me. Learning how to not let it overwhelm us, yet truly face it and learn to work through it, is essential. That's one of the best functions of a sponsor, to me - I had the one I finished the steps with from about 4 mo sober to close to the year 3 mark, then one who has continued to be invaluable to me, even tho she no longer sponsors officially due to health reasons.
Sometimes the check in of "omg what is going on/am I ok/would you be sobbing and freaking out too" stuff is what clears my head and circles me back to what the program suggests I do about whatever it is.
Sometimes the check in of "omg what is going on/am I ok/would you be sobbing and freaking out too" stuff is what clears my head and circles me back to what the program suggests I do about whatever it is.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,620
Hi Gabe,
emotions, routines - yikes! it is a lot to get on top of and for a lot of reasons we have discussed above, I could not seem to do it on my own. I had lost the ability to think or reason, and had lots of blind spots regarding cause and effect. The book talks about making decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. For me this manifested every few days in a massive cloud of doom descending on me. I thought I had been doing OK, and here I was thinking the roof was going to collapse on me.
This is how I was helped through it. Everyday I called my sponsor and gave him a kind of briefing on how my day was going, what I had been doing, any dramas and so forth. When the cloud of doom appeared he would take me back over the last few days and help me see the little ways in which I had gone wrong, little selfish decisions and acts, nothing much if taken in isolation, that all seemed to combine into this nebulous cloud. It was like a whole lot of little misdeeds accumulated to have the same effect as a very big misdeed.
I only recently realised what he was doing, which was walking me through step ten. I had not yet learned enough to ask these questions myself, so he did it, watching for those four things, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. Sure enough, as I we talked it through I began to see what had been happening. I would then ask God to remove the problems, make amends if I had hurt anyone, and then get off to a meeting and maybe help someone else in some way.
I am just thinking that maybe see if your sponsor can use the directions for step ten as a guide or prompter for your daily conversations. I belive this practice probably saved my life.
emotions, routines - yikes! it is a lot to get on top of and for a lot of reasons we have discussed above, I could not seem to do it on my own. I had lost the ability to think or reason, and had lots of blind spots regarding cause and effect. The book talks about making decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. For me this manifested every few days in a massive cloud of doom descending on me. I thought I had been doing OK, and here I was thinking the roof was going to collapse on me.
This is how I was helped through it. Everyday I called my sponsor and gave him a kind of briefing on how my day was going, what I had been doing, any dramas and so forth. When the cloud of doom appeared he would take me back over the last few days and help me see the little ways in which I had gone wrong, little selfish decisions and acts, nothing much if taken in isolation, that all seemed to combine into this nebulous cloud. It was like a whole lot of little misdeeds accumulated to have the same effect as a very big misdeed.
I only recently realised what he was doing, which was walking me through step ten. I had not yet learned enough to ask these questions myself, so he did it, watching for those four things, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. Sure enough, as I we talked it through I began to see what had been happening. I would then ask God to remove the problems, make amends if I had hurt anyone, and then get off to a meeting and maybe help someone else in some way.
I am just thinking that maybe see if your sponsor can use the directions for step ten as a guide or prompter for your daily conversations. I belive this practice probably saved my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
That's a great post Mike. I think that's what my sponsor did with me too - all about applying the steps to life, and especially for the first while ( being a "newcomer" about 2 yrs for me) learning to circle back to those things (plus acceptance) was a path that changed my thinking- and moreso, acting.
Gabe, this also helped me with something people say that I have found to be true, especially the further I have gone along: "You can't control your first thought, but you can control your second thought and first action."
Gabe, this also helped me with something people say that I have found to be true, especially the further I have gone along: "You can't control your first thought, but you can control your second thought and first action."
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