Gabe1980

Met my new sponsor last night and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. She was lovely, spent a couple of hours with me and then we went to a meeting. She went through what is involved and then has asked me to go away and think about it before making the commitment to start the work.

Its scary, the rigorous honesty thing. I know I have a few skeletons in my closest and some unaired things I am really ashamed of, but I can cope with that. I also really like the study work involved, the morning and evening routine and the reflective work.

What I am really struggling with is the expectation what I will go to seven meetings a week for the first six months. I like the meetings and get a lot from them but I also work every day and I am exhausted all the time. I'm not sure how I am going to cope.

I work with women who have experienced some for of sexual violence. I love my work but it is hugely demanding, emotionally and psychologically. I also have to actively manage my own mental health and that takes a lot of rest and down time.

I was thinking that I could work until 5pm, go swimming and then go to meetings at 6.30 or 7pm. I don't drive and don't have time to go home between work and meetings but can't work late every night. It might work ok but I am really worried about burn out and the pressure it will put on me.

I hope this doesn't come across as excuses, they are legitimate concerns. I pledged to do anything it takes and this is the reality of working the 12 steps. I'm just not sure I am up to the task.

Thank you xxx

Patcha

There is no requirement to go to meetings 7 days a week for six months. That's absurd. That whole schedule sounds exhausting. I've never heard of anyone in AA being expected to do all of that.

SoberRican

Hey if your not feeling it. Dont do it. Do what you can do.

Fusion

Gabe, your sponsor’s request that you attend seven meetings a week for the first six months, is not an AA requirement. There are no mandatory meeting attendances. Last century, attending 90 meetings in 90 days became a popular recommendation by treatment centres, when it was discovered that it takes 90 days to make or break a habit.

If this sponsor won’t work with you unless you make a commitment to her, to follow her self-made meeting attendance requirement, it may be preferable to find another sponsor with a more reasonable stance.

Gabe1980

Thank You 💕

I was half expecting everyone to say that if I'm serious I have to make that commitment. I AM serious and I DO want to make the commitment but I also have other responsibilities and other commitments I've made to myself about my health.

I'm also not craving alcohol and I'm not at rock bottom. I have been but I've done a lot of work. I have some of the foundations and I just want to build on them. I was to work the steps and be part of a recovery community but I don't want to make myself ill doing it or for it to be something that feels like a punishment, that I end up resenting.

Patcha

What if you went back to her and said that given your work schedule and other commitments, you don't think that such a routine is sustainable for you.

Gabe1980

I'm going to give her a call tonight. I pretty much said that last night, that realistically I could manage 3 or 4 meetings a week but that 7 was just too much for me. She said was it wasn't negociable unless I was ill or on holiday (even then I'd need to find meetings where I went.)

It's hard to know what the right thing is. I know I want to work the steps and carry on with meetings this just seems impossible.

AAPJ

Not in my view. This person has made such an unreasonable request that I would decline working with them.

I have done a lot of things in AA including that "last century" thing of 90 meetings in 90 days. But my sponsor did not expect me to do it as a condition of him working with me. Expecting you to attend meetings every day for six month is absolutely unreasonable.

FWIW - My sponsor had one expectation of me in order to work with him.

"Call me every day"

That poor SOB. I have been calling him for almost four years now. He told me that generally most sponsees stop the daily calling within six months or less. Of course he did not tell me this until I had been calling him for a year. He's been suffering my calls for almost four years. Does he answer every day? No he's often busy and it goes to VM. But I have done my part. It is a daily commitment but it takes a lot less time than going to a meeting every day. Am I perfect at this? No. We were discussing it a few weeks ago. His guess is that I only manage to call him about 350 days per year. He hasn't fired me yet so I guess I am calling him often enough to meet his requirement for sponsorship.

DriGuy

When it comes right down to it, you don't have to do anything, be it the 90 days, the steps, or having a sponsor. The only thing you have to do is what you need to do to quit drinking, and that varies from person to person.

Most people don't do the 90 days, but many do. I think it might be less than 50/50. In my case, I can sound like I'm big on following rules, even though that's the last thing I am, because I actually did more than 90 in 90. But there are hidden caveats there too. First I just want to go. I liked the meetings that much. And second, I saw it as a way of breaking the cycle. If I could get smashed every night, I could certainly go to a meeting each night, and saying I didn't have the time, was simply not true. It might be a legitimate reason for you. It depends on if you got smashed every night I suppose.

If it's a matter of cutting corners and not doing everything you are told to do, that's OK. You will know if you're not doing enough sooner or later if you fail, and you can make adjustments on your next try. Although, I would try to err on the side of too much, rather than too little no matter what things you consider vital to your recovery. Try to do more than the minimum that you think you need, but that's just a suggestion.

SoberRican

Speaking of that I had a sponsor guy ask me if I would do whatever it took to stay sober. So I was like yeah. Then goes on to say to quit my job so I can make meetings. Um stopped going to that

DriGuy

For what it's worth, I was so sick of drinking every night, that threw myself into recovery and devoted my entire being to the process of getting well, and I would say to a degree that many people might consider obsessive. I thought about getting well every hour of the day for a year or more.

Did I follow the directions 100%? No I'm terrible at following rules. I only follow them if I need to. I approached the steps with casual attitude, and some I rejected out of hand. 90 meetings in 90 days? Only because that made some sense to me, and I liked meetings. That I would never drink another drop of alcohol? OK that rule, I didn't dare break. I was a no alcohol Nazi about that one, because given my utter failure at moderation that one made total sense to me.

But the most important thing was a commitment to getting well, not to a specific plan, but just to getting well. Every day I was consumed by that thought, until I decided it was safe to move on to other things.

Fusion

Gabe, just to clarify, I don’t agree with the 90 days in 90 days either, I just mentioned its’ origin, it wasn’t originally an AA thing.

When I was in AA, where I live there aren’t daily meetings; people attended once a week, and still managed to successfully complete the steps! The sponsor sounds unreasonable, to me.

venuscat

Yes. This. 100%.

It is sponsorship, not dictatorship.
Your sponsor is your friend and guide.....for some reason people have got it into their head that the job is life coach. And they have gotten bossy.

You should not ever feel uncomfortable or nervous about your sponsor's requests.....you should feel relaxed and comfortable and trusting.

So much love honey.... s ❤️

venuscat

And this.....

Every sponsor I had (I have had 3) has had this as their no 1 requirement. s

And usually call me before you pick up a drink. Any time of day or night.

venuscat

It wasn't negotiable?

Excuse me?

We can work the steps together, or you will find someone else who understands that this is your journey and your needs rather than their need to I don't know what.....I honestly don't get this. The role is not boss or ruler, it is friend/teacher/mentor.

You know what you want to do...do it your way love. s xx

snitch

Ugh this is exactly the reason why I sometimes wanted to leave AA. Reading from the Big Book and also other AA material, there was no requirements such as this. It was all about one alcoholic working with another alcoholic. I do appreciate that people who sponsor are giving their time to help the newcomer and so want to ensure as much as possible that they aren't wasting their time, however there are never any guarantees and it seems to me that the mere fact you have attended AA and have plucked up the courage to ask someone if they will sponsor you shows willing!!. Some people seem to make their own little rules up as they go along. Not everybody is like this though and we may be lucky enough to find the right sponsor straight away or we may have to go through a few first before we find the right one.

I am a single mum and I am also cabin crew. There was no way I could have attended 7 meetings a week even if I wanted to. The fact that you have already explained to her that this is going to be difficult for you and she has said it is NON NEGOTIABLE would have me running from the hills from her! If it were me I would thank her for "suggestions" and explain that I would be unable to commit to 7 meetings a week and then I would look for someone else.

Of course on the flip side there may be the newcomer who DOES need 7 meetings a week and would be grateful for that strict non negotiable routine. It doesn't sound like that is for you and that is ok!

DriGuy

I went for 6 months without a sponsor. I was out of town one weekend, and I'd always make it a point to find a meeting when I was away from home. During the process of getting to know these new people I mentioned I hadn't gotten a sponsor. Later in the meeting someone passed me a note (just like in 5th grade). The note said, "Get a sponsor."

No explanation at all. It didn't say why, or justify the claim. It just said, "Get a sponsor." Now I'd been hearing this all along, usually accompanied by a reason, but with that unjustified command, I gave up and got a sponsor. Imagine; Mr. Don't Follow the Rules reacting to a simple command from a complete stranger.

But I was careful to pick a sponsor that wouldn't get in my hair, and after 6 months of meetings, I knew who that would be. But he was more of an honorary sponsor in title only. However, we did become unusually good friends.

DriGuy

Gabe, tell your sponsor you would be willing to go 7 nights a week if she would go with you. I'd be curious if she would do it. OK, I don't really mean that. I was just being ... whatever.

Gabe1980

I think 350 days is pretty good going! And it's a good demonstration of finding a routine that works - so much so that you are still doing it 4 years later!

I really wouldn't mind checking in daily by phone at all and meeting up regularly to do the work. All that is manageable, regular meetings are manageable but having the 7 a week set as a non-negotiable framework for my recovery is just going to sap my enthusiasm. I could definitely be doing more meetings but HAVING to go to one everyday makes the process really negative for me.

Gabe1980

Yeah, that's really good advice, thank you. I wasn't doing enough, I was committed and I was relapsing. That's why I want to work through the steps and to keep going to counselling. The meetings are great in just keeping focus on why I can't drink/don't want to drink.

That was kind of my argument to that I wasn't getting smashed every night and that I have quite a well established sober life that I am comfortable with, I am just having difficulty maintaining it in the long term. That's because I'm an alcoholic and I have a problem with my thinking but I don't feel a meeting daily is necessary and could end up being really counter-productive.

My vulnerability is not trusting my own judgement and told this is the way it has to be done really got to me and I thought that my resistance was my addiction talking but the more I thought about it today, it just felt like common sense because I know myself and I know my limits.