Met with my sponsor for the first time...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by Gabe1980 
That's just crazy!!! Imagine if you had done that and then couldn't support yourself and pay your rent. That is terrible guidance 
Sobriety is the most important thing in a lot of alcoholics’ lives because without it they literally do not have a life.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by August252015
Great comments DriGuy.
One thing you said about resentments: AA tells us that it is generally the number one offender of us alcoholics. And I have found that the BB does give us tools to deal with them, perhaps thru people helping me study the book or meetings on the topic or certain pages and parts I now use to tackle resentments. One way is the 10/11 parts about daily inventory. I religiously read pp 84-88 and 417-418 every day til perhaps a couple months ago.
AA didn't invent the wheel on much - and def not on one of the biggest things all of us say we need to do, in our own words....flipping a resentment, quibble, hurt feelings, blame, so on from "how could they do this to me, etc?" to "why is this bothering me/what is my part/what can I do, etc" stuff. That helps me prevent resentments from forming. Ties into selfishness and self-centered thinking, too.
You're doing great!!
One thing you said about resentments: AA tells us that it is generally the number one offender of us alcoholics. And I have found that the BB does give us tools to deal with them, perhaps thru people helping me study the book or meetings on the topic or certain pages and parts I now use to tackle resentments. One way is the 10/11 parts about daily inventory. I religiously read pp 84-88 and 417-418 every day til perhaps a couple months ago.
AA didn't invent the wheel on much - and def not on one of the biggest things all of us say we need to do, in our own words....flipping a resentment, quibble, hurt feelings, blame, so on from "how could they do this to me, etc?" to "why is this bothering me/what is my part/what can I do, etc" stuff. That helps me prevent resentments from forming. Ties into selfishness and self-centered thinking, too.
You're doing great!!
The Taoists have a famous teaching about an empty boat that rams into your boat in the middle of a river. While you probably wouldn’t be angry at an empty boat, you might well become enraged if someone were at its helm.
The point of the story is that the parents who didn’t see you, the other kids who teased you as a child, the driver who aggressively tailgated you yesterday – are all in fact empty, rudderless boats. They were compulsively driven to act as they did by their own unexamined wounds, therefore they did not know what they were doing and had little control over it.
Just as an empty boat that rams into us isn’t targeting us, so too people who act unkindly are driven along by the unconscious force of their own wounding and pain.
Until we realize this, we will remain prisoners of our grievance, our past, and our victim identity, all of which keep us from opening to the more powerful currents of life and love that are always flowing through the present moment.
The point of the story is that the parents who didn’t see you, the other kids who teased you as a child, the driver who aggressively tailgated you yesterday – are all in fact empty, rudderless boats. They were compulsively driven to act as they did by their own unexamined wounds, therefore they did not know what they were doing and had little control over it.
Just as an empty boat that rams into us isn’t targeting us, so too people who act unkindly are driven along by the unconscious force of their own wounding and pain.
Until we realize this, we will remain prisoners of our grievance, our past, and our victim identity, all of which keep us from opening to the more powerful currents of life and love that are always flowing through the present moment.
The same applies to ourselves. The things we did were as a result of our unexamined wounds.
/back to Gabe1980
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
Uh, it may not be terrible at all. Without sobriety most of us will lose our jobs anyway. Without sobriety I would have nothing. If my job got in the way of my sobriety I would have to leave it. Maybe that’s not you and that’s great, but I’ve found that the deeper the obsession runs the more desperate and dedicated we have to be. Sometimes that means leaving long term relationships, giving up long time friends, cutting out family members, moving or leaving our jobs.
Sobriety is the most important thing in a lot of alcoholics’ lives because without it they literally do not have a life.
I think having to leave my job would make my drinking so much worse. No one size fits all eh! 😄
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by silentrun
The following was so pivotal to my recovery I share it whenever I can:
https://thoughtcatalog.com/claudia-a...ortant-truths/
The same applies to ourselves. The things we did were as a result of our unexamined wounds.
/back to Gabe1980
https://thoughtcatalog.com/claudia-a...ortant-truths/
The same applies to ourselves. The things we did were as a result of our unexamined wounds.
/back to Gabe1980
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by DriGuy
For what it's worth, I was so sick of drinking every night, that threw myself into recovery and devoted my entire being to the process of getting well, and I would say to a degree that many people might consider obsessive. I thought about getting well every hour of the day for a year or more.
Did I follow the directions 100%? No I'm terrible at following rules. I only follow them if I need to. I approached the steps with casual attitude, and some I rejected out of hand. 90 meetings in 90 days? Only because that made some sense to me, and I liked meetings. That I would never drink another drop of alcohol? OK that rule, I didn't dare break. I was a no alcohol Nazi about that one, because given my utter failure at moderation that one made total sense to me.
But the most important thing was a commitment to getting well, not to a specific plan, but just to getting well. Every day I was consumed by that thought, until I decided it was safe to move on to other things.
Did I follow the directions 100%? No I'm terrible at following rules. I only follow them if I need to. I approached the steps with casual attitude, and some I rejected out of hand. 90 meetings in 90 days? Only because that made some sense to me, and I liked meetings. That I would never drink another drop of alcohol? OK that rule, I didn't dare break. I was a no alcohol Nazi about that one, because given my utter failure at moderation that one made total sense to me.
But the most important thing was a commitment to getting well, not to a specific plan, but just to getting well. Every day I was consumed by that thought, until I decided it was safe to move on to other things.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,937
I'm a little late to this thread, but if my sponsor had told me to go to a meeting every day for 6 months . . . well, let's just say that, that conversation would have not ended well.
With work and family responsibilities, there is no way I could have done that. Your sponsor seems to be emphasizing quantity over quality.
With that kind of time commitment there is no way I would have found time to read the Big Book! Or go out for coffee with other people after meetings. And certainly, I would have not found time to join a monthly sobriety class on this website, and hang out here everyday. These are some of the things that helped me to get sober, not just parking my butt in a meeting.
With work and family responsibilities, there is no way I could have done that. Your sponsor seems to be emphasizing quantity over quality.
With that kind of time commitment there is no way I would have found time to read the Big Book! Or go out for coffee with other people after meetings. And certainly, I would have not found time to join a monthly sobriety class on this website, and hang out here everyday. These are some of the things that helped me to get sober, not just parking my butt in a meeting.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
silentrun - that's an awesome share, thank you! I love that take on the theme.
Gabe - you said it so well: "I was just thinking about it from my perspective"
BAM!
Whether thoughts like BABM said, that I share, about my job and sobriety connection (which is huge - and one reason I have had periods of not working in the past 2 yrs, of my going on 1350 days sober, ie 3 yr 8+ mo)...or about someone's actions [to/at/about] us....one of the best things I have learned (and not just from AA) is that NOT looking at things from my perspective only is essential - happiness! Plus all the other stuff like being happy AND sober.
I could recite those pgs - I see words in pictures so my mind takes a snapshot of things I ingest regularly, so to speak - which is a reason I switched to a diff kind of daily study (now, I flip to random pages and read a few; def learning more stuff). They are timeless and if I had just a few minutes, they would be my go to for a daily check in.
All of this needs to be a learning journey for me! Y'all are helping me a lot today.
Gabe - you said it so well: "I was just thinking about it from my perspective"
BAM!
Whether thoughts like BABM said, that I share, about my job and sobriety connection (which is huge - and one reason I have had periods of not working in the past 2 yrs, of my going on 1350 days sober, ie 3 yr 8+ mo)...or about someone's actions [to/at/about] us....one of the best things I have learned (and not just from AA) is that NOT looking at things from my perspective only is essential - happiness! Plus all the other stuff like being happy AND sober.
I could recite those pgs - I see words in pictures so my mind takes a snapshot of things I ingest regularly, so to speak - which is a reason I switched to a diff kind of daily study (now, I flip to random pages and read a few; def learning more stuff). They are timeless and if I had just a few minutes, they would be my go to for a daily check in.
All of this needs to be a learning journey for me! Y'all are helping me a lot today.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Hi Gabe. Your threads often attract my attention because of the 1980 part of your user name. As you know it was the year I recovered from that hopeless state of mind and body. I have learnt a bit since then.
Sponsors often come in for a fair bit of flack around here (not that it is coming from you) but for the most part, they are just recovered alcoholics who have discovered the best kept secret in AA _ to stay sober themselves they need to be helping others, and if they have had the spiritual awakening, such efforts are more of a pleasure than a discipline.
Your potential sponsor, in one sense, followed directions from the big book in that she laid out a plan of action for you to either accept or reject, having given it some thought. The issue was that there were more elements to her plan than there are to the AA plan, such elements no doubt having been added and influenced by sponsorship and rehab experience of the past.
The suggestion in the book is to let the newcomer read the book to familiarize themselves with the program of action contained therein, and then decide if they wish to go through with it or not. If they want to go ahead, the sponsor can offer much practical experience with the program, having done it themselves.
What that might look like is that they whipped through the steps at a good pace, and then got busy working with others, as time and other responsibilities permitted. Members devoted "Much of their spare time" to the work, but it was always recognized that family and employers also had legitimate calls on their time.
One of may favorite passages in the book indicates when it is time to work with others. Page 129 actually came up in my home group the other day. The passage goes "Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else."
I was given the 90 in 90 advice, but I took it to be a metaphor for total immersion in every aspect of AA. I didn't make the 90 meetings in 90 days, but I did make it into step 9 in that time frame, and that was how my spiritual experience occurred. I don't think my sponsor was much of a 90 in 90 man, but he did stick to the number one rule of sponsorship which is never get between a newcomer and their spiritual experience.
All the talk about different approaches is something to be wary of if you happen to be an alcoholic who has lost the power of choice in alcohol. AA is a one trick pony. The book highlights it as a common problem and a common solution (singular), and as I identified with the common problem, so I was able to apply the common solution, with help from my sponsor, following the directions set out in the big book.
Nothing would be truer in the AA fellowship than the mantra "everyone is different" Fundamental to that is that there are many different problems and for each a different solution. Not everyone in AA has lost the power of choice in alcohol, so it follows that not everyone needs to take the steps as directed. Not everyone aims for a first rate recovery, many are content with a second rate or even palliative care model. They will settle for second best if they can get away with it. A lot of these folks have a power I did not have, the power to choose not to drink and actually carry it off. More power to them. We also have our lonely hearts, predators, and mental health clients who take advantage of AAs open door policy.
With such an eclectic mix, many sharing advice and offering opinions on a problem and program they have absolutely no experience with, it is no wonder the newcomer struggles to separate the wheat from the chaff.
If you have the same problem as me and your want to apply the same solution, then I think your plan of getting involved in literature based meetings is a great place to start. Maybe at one of those you will find the kind of sponsorship alcoholics of our type can really benefit from.
Sponsors often come in for a fair bit of flack around here (not that it is coming from you) but for the most part, they are just recovered alcoholics who have discovered the best kept secret in AA _ to stay sober themselves they need to be helping others, and if they have had the spiritual awakening, such efforts are more of a pleasure than a discipline.
Your potential sponsor, in one sense, followed directions from the big book in that she laid out a plan of action for you to either accept or reject, having given it some thought. The issue was that there were more elements to her plan than there are to the AA plan, such elements no doubt having been added and influenced by sponsorship and rehab experience of the past.
The suggestion in the book is to let the newcomer read the book to familiarize themselves with the program of action contained therein, and then decide if they wish to go through with it or not. If they want to go ahead, the sponsor can offer much practical experience with the program, having done it themselves.
What that might look like is that they whipped through the steps at a good pace, and then got busy working with others, as time and other responsibilities permitted. Members devoted "Much of their spare time" to the work, but it was always recognized that family and employers also had legitimate calls on their time.
One of may favorite passages in the book indicates when it is time to work with others. Page 129 actually came up in my home group the other day. The passage goes "Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else."
I was given the 90 in 90 advice, but I took it to be a metaphor for total immersion in every aspect of AA. I didn't make the 90 meetings in 90 days, but I did make it into step 9 in that time frame, and that was how my spiritual experience occurred. I don't think my sponsor was much of a 90 in 90 man, but he did stick to the number one rule of sponsorship which is never get between a newcomer and their spiritual experience.
All the talk about different approaches is something to be wary of if you happen to be an alcoholic who has lost the power of choice in alcohol. AA is a one trick pony. The book highlights it as a common problem and a common solution (singular), and as I identified with the common problem, so I was able to apply the common solution, with help from my sponsor, following the directions set out in the big book.
Nothing would be truer in the AA fellowship than the mantra "everyone is different" Fundamental to that is that there are many different problems and for each a different solution. Not everyone in AA has lost the power of choice in alcohol, so it follows that not everyone needs to take the steps as directed. Not everyone aims for a first rate recovery, many are content with a second rate or even palliative care model. They will settle for second best if they can get away with it. A lot of these folks have a power I did not have, the power to choose not to drink and actually carry it off. More power to them. We also have our lonely hearts, predators, and mental health clients who take advantage of AAs open door policy.
With such an eclectic mix, many sharing advice and offering opinions on a problem and program they have absolutely no experience with, it is no wonder the newcomer struggles to separate the wheat from the chaff.
If you have the same problem as me and your want to apply the same solution, then I think your plan of getting involved in literature based meetings is a great place to start. Maybe at one of those you will find the kind of sponsorship alcoholics of our type can really benefit from.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
Started my recovery in AA, Nov 4th going to be 2 yrs. I’m fortunate that I could go to a meeting at 730 in the morning and catch another during the day. I enjoy them , it works for me. I also make coffee on Monday been , doing that since I walked through the door. I was also a greeter for the first 6 months, hated that but I met a lot of people, remembered names and it got a lot if the fear out.
I have a sponsor , sort if a hard ass but that is what I need. Coddling does not work for me. He is not my friend he is a guide for me. I see people who have great relationships with their sponsors and maybe I’m just not capable of that yet.
You have the saying when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I have a feeling that as I grow more another teacher will appear.
The fellowship is great. I would suggest getting a home group and a commitment it keeps you coming back and be involved. Try to get into AA not around it . Don’t sweat the sponsor thing right now . Get some phone numbers practice calling people it’s very important because if you get jammed up you will be used to picking up the phone.
Onward and upward
Kevin
I have a sponsor , sort if a hard ass but that is what I need. Coddling does not work for me. He is not my friend he is a guide for me. I see people who have great relationships with their sponsors and maybe I’m just not capable of that yet.
You have the saying when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I have a feeling that as I grow more another teacher will appear.
The fellowship is great. I would suggest getting a home group and a commitment it keeps you coming back and be involved. Try to get into AA not around it . Don’t sweat the sponsor thing right now . Get some phone numbers practice calling people it’s very important because if you get jammed up you will be used to picking up the phone.
Onward and upward
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by silentrun
LOL I did that and I wasn't in AA. Is it obsessive? Maybe so but we both made it out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Thank you everyone for continuing to post. Especially such thought provoking and insightful stuff.
I'm working late but will check in with a proper update and responses tomorrow morning. It's really great to hear everyone's differing perspectives and helping me reflect on my own 💕
I'm working late but will check in with a proper update and responses tomorrow morning. It's really great to hear everyone's differing perspectives and helping me reflect on my own 💕
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Tell her you are prepared to go to any lengths as described in the first 164 pages of the bigbook and I guarantee that it doesn't prescribe meetings of any quantity.
"a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps" is the end goal.
"a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps" is the end goal.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
I’m honestly surprised by some of the reactions regarding this sponsor for suggesting a tried and true method to ensure long term sobriety.
The more meetings I go to the better I get. Period. If I stop going to meetings,I drink. I think a lot of people here would say the same. Following the steps laid out by a sponsor isn’t just taking suggestions and hoping things works out. It’s about surrendering your own will, it’s about stopping attempting to get sober on your own terms. I mean, if alcoholics knew how to get sober on their own, why go to AA? And if reading the big book was enough why go to meetings? And if meetings were enough why get a sponsor and work the steps?
From my own experience, the more I try to work my own, perfectly comfortable version of the program, the less I grow. This program is about taking action, and a lot of the time it is contrary action to what we normally do because that’s what gets us in trouble.
Maybe I’m old school, but I’ve fallen down a lot by trying to do things my own way in early sobriety.
The more meetings I go to the better I get. Period. If I stop going to meetings,I drink. I think a lot of people here would say the same. Following the steps laid out by a sponsor isn’t just taking suggestions and hoping things works out. It’s about surrendering your own will, it’s about stopping attempting to get sober on your own terms. I mean, if alcoholics knew how to get sober on their own, why go to AA? And if reading the big book was enough why go to meetings? And if meetings were enough why get a sponsor and work the steps?
From my own experience, the more I try to work my own, perfectly comfortable version of the program, the less I grow. This program is about taking action, and a lot of the time it is contrary action to what we normally do because that’s what gets us in trouble.
Maybe I’m old school, but I’ve fallen down a lot by trying to do things my own way in early sobriety.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by Gottalife
Hi Gabe. Your threads often attract my attention because of the 1980 part of your user name. As you know it was the year I recovered from that hopeless state of mind and body. I have learnt a bit since then.
Sponsors often come in for a fair bit of flack around here (not that it is coming from you) but for the most part, they are just recovered alcoholics who have discovered the best kept secret in AA _ to stay sober themselves they need to be helping others, and if they have had the spiritual awakening, such efforts are more of a pleasure than a discipline.
Your potential sponsor, in one sense, followed directions from the big book in that she laid out a plan of action for you to either accept or reject, having given it some thought. The issue was that there were more elements to her plan than there are to the AA plan, such elements no doubt having been added and influenced by sponsorship and rehab experience of the past.
The suggestion in the book is to let the newcomer read the book to familiarize themselves with the program of action contained therein, and then decide if they wish to go through with it or not. If they want to go ahead, the sponsor can offer much practical experience with the program, having done it themselves.
What that might look like is that they whipped through the steps at a good pace, and then got busy working with others, as time and other responsibilities permitted. Members devoted "Much of their spare time" to the work, but it was always recognized that family and employers also had legitimate calls on their time.
One of may favorite passages in the book indicates when it is time to work with others. Page 129 actually came up in my home group the other day. The passage goes "Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else."
I was given the 90 in 90 advice, but I took it to be a metaphor for total immersion in every aspect of AA. I didn't make the 90 meetings in 90 days, but I did make it into step 9 in that time frame, and that was how my spiritual experience occurred. I don't think my sponsor was much of a 90 in 90 man, but he did stick to the number one rule of sponsorship which is never get between a newcomer and their spiritual experience.
All the talk about different approaches is something to be wary of if you happen to be an alcoholic who has lost the power of choice in alcohol. AA is a one trick pony. The book highlights it as a common problem and a common solution (singular), and as I identified with the common problem, so I was able to apply the common solution, with help from my sponsor, following the directions set out in the big book.
Nothing would be truer in the AA fellowship than the mantra "everyone is different" Fundamental to that is that there are many different problems and for each a different solution. Not everyone in AA has lost the power of choice in alcohol, so it follows that not everyone needs to take the steps as directed. Not everyone aims for a first rate recovery, many are content with a second rate or even palliative care model. They will settle for second best if they can get away with it. A lot of these folks have a power I did not have, the power to choose not to drink and actually carry it off. More power to them. We also have our lonely hearts, predators, and mental health clients who take advantage of AAs open door policy.
With such an eclectic mix, many sharing advice and offering opinions on a problem and program they have absolutely no experience with, it is no wonder the newcomer struggles to separate the wheat from the chaff.
If you have the same problem as me and your want to apply the same solution, then I think your plan of getting involved in literature based meetings is a great place to start. Maybe at one of those you will find the kind of sponsorship alcoholics of our type can really benefit from.
Sponsors often come in for a fair bit of flack around here (not that it is coming from you) but for the most part, they are just recovered alcoholics who have discovered the best kept secret in AA _ to stay sober themselves they need to be helping others, and if they have had the spiritual awakening, such efforts are more of a pleasure than a discipline.
Your potential sponsor, in one sense, followed directions from the big book in that she laid out a plan of action for you to either accept or reject, having given it some thought. The issue was that there were more elements to her plan than there are to the AA plan, such elements no doubt having been added and influenced by sponsorship and rehab experience of the past.
The suggestion in the book is to let the newcomer read the book to familiarize themselves with the program of action contained therein, and then decide if they wish to go through with it or not. If they want to go ahead, the sponsor can offer much practical experience with the program, having done it themselves.
What that might look like is that they whipped through the steps at a good pace, and then got busy working with others, as time and other responsibilities permitted. Members devoted "Much of their spare time" to the work, but it was always recognized that family and employers also had legitimate calls on their time.
One of may favorite passages in the book indicates when it is time to work with others. Page 129 actually came up in my home group the other day. The passage goes "Though the family does not fully agree with dad's spiritual activities, they should let him have his head. Even if he displays a certain amount of neglect and irresponsibility towards the family, it is well to let him go as far as he likes in helping other alcoholics. During those first days of convalescence, this will do more to insure his sobriety than anything else."
I was given the 90 in 90 advice, but I took it to be a metaphor for total immersion in every aspect of AA. I didn't make the 90 meetings in 90 days, but I did make it into step 9 in that time frame, and that was how my spiritual experience occurred. I don't think my sponsor was much of a 90 in 90 man, but he did stick to the number one rule of sponsorship which is never get between a newcomer and their spiritual experience.
All the talk about different approaches is something to be wary of if you happen to be an alcoholic who has lost the power of choice in alcohol. AA is a one trick pony. The book highlights it as a common problem and a common solution (singular), and as I identified with the common problem, so I was able to apply the common solution, with help from my sponsor, following the directions set out in the big book.
Nothing would be truer in the AA fellowship than the mantra "everyone is different" Fundamental to that is that there are many different problems and for each a different solution. Not everyone in AA has lost the power of choice in alcohol, so it follows that not everyone needs to take the steps as directed. Not everyone aims for a first rate recovery, many are content with a second rate or even palliative care model. They will settle for second best if they can get away with it. A lot of these folks have a power I did not have, the power to choose not to drink and actually carry it off. More power to them. We also have our lonely hearts, predators, and mental health clients who take advantage of AAs open door policy.
With such an eclectic mix, many sharing advice and offering opinions on a problem and program they have absolutely no experience with, it is no wonder the newcomer struggles to separate the wheat from the chaff.
If you have the same problem as me and your want to apply the same solution, then I think your plan of getting involved in literature based meetings is a great place to start. Maybe at one of those you will find the kind of sponsorship alcoholics of our type can really benefit from.
It's interesting in that there have been a couple of meetings where this subject has come up. There are people who attend meetings and haven't done the steps and they stay sober. There are also people (especially old-timers who have been sober for many years) who stress the importance of the steps and working the programme, They often say 'if you are an alcoholic like me......'
To be honest, I'm not sure what kind of alcoholic I am but I do know that I want to work the steps and that I am looking for/becoming connected to a spiritual solution. That connection is changing my perspective and providing the platform for change.
It is confusing though - as you said there are a lot of different people at the meetings, with a lot of different things to say. I often worry that the resistance I have to certain things (like the suggestion from that sponsor) is my addiction tricking me into thinking I know best. I'm trying to trust my intuition and I'm also worried about keeping my motivation, mainly because a lot of the time I can't be arsed doing anything! I am though, I'm doing what I can and I am aware that this is the start and I want to build on that.
Just now I'm thinking about morning and evening routines, doing a bit of reading and reflection. I also talking to/praying/gratitude work with my higher power and I really feel that growing in me.
I truly believe mine has been a spiritual problem from my early teens, which has led to obsessions and addictions throughout my life. Its been a defect of thinking and a spiritual wasteland, I've been wandering around in the dark. The steps are really important to me and make sense with what I believe about my own condition.
Rigorous honesty and moral inventory are also processes, which I identify with. I'm trying to learn and apply these principles, mainly because I have spent a long time lying t myself and to the people I love about who I am and what I need. I am trying to be grateful and connected and to acknowledge the huge amount of love and support I have had, despite often rejecting it.
I pretty confident that the right person will show up at the right time. I'm a month in now and thinking daily about my commitments. If I carry on with meetings, like I plan to, I hope I'll get a better understanding of how this all works
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by Kdon853
Started my recovery in AA, Nov 4th going to be 2 yrs. I’m fortunate that I could go to a meeting at 730 in the morning and catch another during the day. I enjoy them , it works for me. I also make coffee on Monday been , doing that since I walked through the door. I was also a greeter for the first 6 months, hated that but I met a lot of people, remembered names and it got a lot if the fear out.
I have a sponsor , sort if a hard ass but that is what I need. Coddling does not work for me. He is not my friend he is a guide for me. I see people who have great relationships with their sponsors and maybe I’m just not capable of that yet.
You have the saying when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I have a feeling that as I grow more another teacher will appear.
The fellowship is great. I would suggest getting a home group and a commitment it keeps you coming back and be involved. Try to get into AA not around it . Don’t sweat the sponsor thing right now . Get some phone numbers practice calling people it’s very important because if you get jammed up you will be used to picking up the phone.
Onward and upward
Kevin
I have a sponsor , sort if a hard ass but that is what I need. Coddling does not work for me. He is not my friend he is a guide for me. I see people who have great relationships with their sponsors and maybe I’m just not capable of that yet.
You have the saying when the student is ready the teacher will appear. I have a feeling that as I grow more another teacher will appear.
The fellowship is great. I would suggest getting a home group and a commitment it keeps you coming back and be involved. Try to get into AA not around it . Don’t sweat the sponsor thing right now . Get some phone numbers practice calling people it’s very important because if you get jammed up you will be used to picking up the phone.
Onward and upward
Kevin
I took your advice and got a couple of numbers. One woman I am meeting at the weekend for a coffee. I also have a Tuesday group I really enjoy and already feel part of. I think that will be my home group.
I think someone will appear when I am ready too. I'm really trying not to stress about the whole thing, stay calm and just trust that things will happen in there own time. It's managing expectations that is tricky for me and not overloading myself with things I can't maintain. I seem to be doing that better than I have before.
One month today and I finally feel I am in Recovery, not just pretending to work a plan. It really feels great
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
I’m honestly surprised by some of the reactions regarding this sponsor for suggesting a tried and true method to ensure long term sobriety.
The more meetings I go to the better I get. Period. If I stop going to meetings,I drink. I think a lot of people here would say the same. Following the steps laid out by a sponsor isn’t just taking suggestions and hoping things works out. It’s about surrendering your own will, it’s about stopping attempting to get sober on your own terms. I mean, if alcoholics knew how to get sober on their own, why go to AA? And if reading the big book was enough why go to meetings? And if meetings were enough why get a sponsor and work the steps?
From my own experience, the more I try to work my own, perfectly comfortable version of the program, the less I grow. This program is about taking action, and a lot of the time it is contrary action to what we normally do because that’s what gets us in trouble.
Maybe I’m old school, but I’ve fallen down a lot by trying to do things my own way in early sobriety.
The more meetings I go to the better I get. Period. If I stop going to meetings,I drink. I think a lot of people here would say the same. Following the steps laid out by a sponsor isn’t just taking suggestions and hoping things works out. It’s about surrendering your own will, it’s about stopping attempting to get sober on your own terms. I mean, if alcoholics knew how to get sober on their own, why go to AA? And if reading the big book was enough why go to meetings? And if meetings were enough why get a sponsor and work the steps?
From my own experience, the more I try to work my own, perfectly comfortable version of the program, the less I grow. This program is about taking action, and a lot of the time it is contrary action to what we normally do because that’s what gets us in trouble.
Maybe I’m old school, but I’ve fallen down a lot by trying to do things my own way in early sobriety.
how much control they had about how the moved forward in the programme.
I always thought it was a do as you are told kind of deal. I get what you are saying too, about surrendering your own will and learning a new way. I'm not sure. I do now that I wouldn't have been able to sustain a meeting everyday but then I also didn't know if that was a lack of commitment or trying to keep control. It can be really confusing.
It doesn't sound like a meeting a day is the norm but I also understand that it will work for many.
I suppose I am still just trying to be slow and steady in how I am going forward and stay in the positive. I'm learning an d it'll take a while. I appreciate your perspective though, it's really made me think
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Input -
I did the "do as I was told" thing to heart, and one reason is I got the message early on and very clearly to "look for the people who had what I wanted."
So, while a perhaps important caveat is that I got my first sponsor at 97 days, I did what she said. Before that, I'd done about 82/90 meetings and I am pretty sure most of the other 8 days I was at a dr or psych appt or such.
I've described my first sponsor as militant: some of her demands were a bit out there...in my opinion. I was learning the difference between my opinion and resistance, in this scenario. I did 1-3 with her, following her personal working well program of the 164. I wasn't comfortable doing 4 with her....but I spent a lot of time praying and seeking guidance from others who had what I wanted, as I was developing that vision, btw - before I made a move to my second sponsor, with whom I spent the rest of the steps and 2 yrs.
It's not a perfect science to me - whether in terms of texting these days, which didn't exist way back when (or even, uh, late 90s?) but it IS about the steps, the BB and that "have what I wanted thing" - which to me means my best version of a sober program life. I was committed to AA from the beginning- because it was my only option, frankly- and had to trust that I would be capable of learning and of living sober.
Gabe, keep thinking of your thoughts (ha) - BUT Mike makes what I believe is a critical point: trying to do it "our way" can mean equivocating and shorting ourselves, and IMO not really doing the steps even if we technically are. "Checking them off" or "not really committing to them" or other similar thoughts are what lots of folks who relapse and come back admit they did the first time.
Last one here- back in the old days (whatever that means but here I mean well towards 20th century even) "don't drink and go to meetings" was a common axiom. Men often went to an early morning mtg before work on weekdays, for example. That might have been the extent of their program and it worked. I believe "meetings aren't the steps" and I need them to by my best, but that number fluctuates. I actually just went to my first one today, since last wk. Not my best life, but I now have lots of other tools than literally going to a mtg.
I didn't have all that at the beginning. And that's where I wanted to head.
I did the "do as I was told" thing to heart, and one reason is I got the message early on and very clearly to "look for the people who had what I wanted."
So, while a perhaps important caveat is that I got my first sponsor at 97 days, I did what she said. Before that, I'd done about 82/90 meetings and I am pretty sure most of the other 8 days I was at a dr or psych appt or such.
I've described my first sponsor as militant: some of her demands were a bit out there...in my opinion. I was learning the difference between my opinion and resistance, in this scenario. I did 1-3 with her, following her personal working well program of the 164. I wasn't comfortable doing 4 with her....but I spent a lot of time praying and seeking guidance from others who had what I wanted, as I was developing that vision, btw - before I made a move to my second sponsor, with whom I spent the rest of the steps and 2 yrs.
It's not a perfect science to me - whether in terms of texting these days, which didn't exist way back when (or even, uh, late 90s?) but it IS about the steps, the BB and that "have what I wanted thing" - which to me means my best version of a sober program life. I was committed to AA from the beginning- because it was my only option, frankly- and had to trust that I would be capable of learning and of living sober.
Gabe, keep thinking of your thoughts (ha) - BUT Mike makes what I believe is a critical point: trying to do it "our way" can mean equivocating and shorting ourselves, and IMO not really doing the steps even if we technically are. "Checking them off" or "not really committing to them" or other similar thoughts are what lots of folks who relapse and come back admit they did the first time.
Last one here- back in the old days (whatever that means but here I mean well towards 20th century even) "don't drink and go to meetings" was a common axiom. Men often went to an early morning mtg before work on weekdays, for example. That might have been the extent of their program and it worked. I believe "meetings aren't the steps" and I need them to by my best, but that number fluctuates. I actually just went to my first one today, since last wk. Not my best life, but I now have lots of other tools than literally going to a mtg.
I didn't have all that at the beginning. And that's where I wanted to head.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by DriGuy
I went for 6 months without a sponsor. I was out of town one weekend, and I'd always make it a point to find a meeting when I was away from home. During the process of getting to know these new people I mentioned I hadn't gotten a sponsor. Later in the meeting someone passed me a note (just like in 5th grade). The note said, "Get a sponsor."
No explanation at all. It didn't say why, or justify the claim. It just said, "Get a sponsor." Now I'd been hearing this all along, usually accompanied by a reason, but with that unjustified command, I gave up and got a sponsor. Imagine; Mr. Don't Follow the Rules reacting to a simple command from a complete stranger.
But I was careful to pick a sponsor that wouldn't get in my hair, and after 6 months of meetings, I knew who that would be. But he was more of an honorary sponsor in title only. However, we did become unusually good friends.
No explanation at all. It didn't say why, or justify the claim. It just said, "Get a sponsor." Now I'd been hearing this all along, usually accompanied by a reason, but with that unjustified command, I gave up and got a sponsor. Imagine; Mr. Don't Follow the Rules reacting to a simple command from a complete stranger.
But I was careful to pick a sponsor that wouldn't get in my hair, and after 6 months of meetings, I knew who that would be. But he was more of an honorary sponsor in title only. However, we did become unusually good friends.
That's pretty much was my experience as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Gabe, sponsors aren’t professional people in AA. They are all lay, therefore good, bad, and inbetween. It can be a minefield, I know, from experience. Instead of taking the word of everyone who posts on your thread, I’d select a couple of people, with years of sponsorship, and ask their opinion of what to look for in a sponsor. Obviously, your personal preference is important, too, your intuition, which kicked in with the sponsor you’ve decided isn’t for you.
When the Big Book was written by BillW, there were no sponsors or meetings included within it. The Steps in the Big Book were meant to be a complete guide to a spiritual experience sufficient to remove the desire for alcohol. As last century wore on, other aspects were added. I’d recommend posting in the AA section of this forum, there’s lots of experienced AAers there, including Gottalife (Mike) and Ken33xx.
When the Big Book was written by BillW, there were no sponsors or meetings included within it. The Steps in the Big Book were meant to be a complete guide to a spiritual experience sufficient to remove the desire for alcohol. As last century wore on, other aspects were added. I’d recommend posting in the AA section of this forum, there’s lots of experienced AAers there, including Gottalife (Mike) and Ken33xx.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Gabe1980
Met my new sponsor last night and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. She was lovely, spent a couple of hours with me and then we went to a meeting. She went through what is involved and then has asked me to go away and think about it before making the commitment to start the work.
Its scary, the rigorous honesty thing. I know I have a few skeletons in my closest and some unaired things I am really ashamed of, but I can cope with that. I also really like the study work involved, the morning and evening routine and the reflective work.
What I am really struggling with is the expectation what I will go to seven meetings a week for the first six months. I like the meetings and get a lot from them but I also work every day and I am exhausted all the time. I'm not sure how I am going to cope.
I work with women who have experienced some for of sexual violence. I love my work but it is hugely demanding, emotionally and psychologically. I also have to actively manage my own mental health and that takes a lot of rest and down time.
I was thinking that I could work until 5pm, go swimming and then go to meetings at 6.30 or 7pm. I don't drive and don't have time to go home between work and meetings but can't work late every night. It might work ok but I am really worried about burn out and the pressure it will put on me.
I hope this doesn't come across as excuses, they are legitimate concerns. I pledged to do anything it takes and this is the reality of working the 12 steps. I'm just not sure I am up to the task.
Thank you xxx
Its scary, the rigorous honesty thing. I know I have a few skeletons in my closest and some unaired things I am really ashamed of, but I can cope with that. I also really like the study work involved, the morning and evening routine and the reflective work.
What I am really struggling with is the expectation what I will go to seven meetings a week for the first six months. I like the meetings and get a lot from them but I also work every day and I am exhausted all the time. I'm not sure how I am going to cope.
I work with women who have experienced some for of sexual violence. I love my work but it is hugely demanding, emotionally and psychologically. I also have to actively manage my own mental health and that takes a lot of rest and down time.
I was thinking that I could work until 5pm, go swimming and then go to meetings at 6.30 or 7pm. I don't drive and don't have time to go home between work and meetings but can't work late every night. It might work ok but I am really worried about burn out and the pressure it will put on me.
I hope this doesn't come across as excuses, they are legitimate concerns. I pledged to do anything it takes and this is the reality of working the 12 steps. I'm just not sure I am up to the task.
Thank you xxx
I get the reasoning. The more the newcomer gets involved in recovery the better especially when one is new.
However, common sense needs to be used as well. I recall a member telling me I needed to "remove the albatross around my neck" which was my job. That's what he did. He quit his job
Yeah, easy for him to do.
His wife had a great job and paid the bills.
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