Hawkeye13

Agree there is no perfect time--my spouse drinks and that's my daily, lifelong, huge trigger to also drink.

I had to make a decision that I was done no matter what my "roommate" did or didn't do. I had to replace my excuse with willingness, not only to take the decision, but walk the walk of consistent positive action, which was very hard at first.

I don't really get.a sense of real willingness to take either the step or the hard actions from you yet Tetrax. You are talking like you get that, but until the actions and commitment to yourself and your life are there, nothing is going to get better--just worse.

It did for me until I was truly ready too, so I get it and no judgement--just observation. You can't BS an Bsh-ttier. Physically and mentally I was just about out of time to finally figure it out. Sounds like the clock is running down for you too. I hope you find your way out of the labyrinth and back into Life as it can be. You certainly deserve it. All the best.

margbella

[QUOTE=Tetrax;7169020]And just seen this, as I talk about timing...

But yeah, in the relatively few AA meetings I've been to, I've been surprised by how many times I've heard OCD come up.

I always wonder how much the connection is (perhaps there's another thread about it, I dunno), but yeah it's like the same in many ways, EXCEPT the 'obsession' is more like an ideation of pleasure (always awful in OCD) and the 'compulsion' brings at least some pleasure with it (just relief in OCD), right? Or maybe it's just the relief that IS the pleasure?

Yes I think, the OCD fits the bill. In the end drinking isn't so much a pleasure as alleviating the discomfort of having a nagging thought that has to be satisfied. Where it is some mad ritual as a kid, or getting drink and doing your mad little rituals of buying the time, the place etc it's very ritualistic

Tetrax

Hawkeye you're right, and I had an amazing 21 days under these very same circumstances a couple of months ago. I just need to get a good start (all I would say is since then the house is even more unpredictable; I think that's where my OCD specifically comes into play, needing things to be 'just right'). But that's also why I think I CAN do it here, if I get a good enough start, and now really, really, really knowing that I am an alcoholic.

The denial is as big as the cravings, I know. I also know you are what you did yesterday.

These are my own pithy creations FYI, and I'm not being flippant.

margbella

No, there is no "perfect" time to get started, it's always going to take some decision, not a bolt from heaven. It's always going to be uncomfortable and scary, throwing away your crutch. I have OCD it's amazing how many addicts have this, even as children. It's a vile brain condition.
BUT, I overcome my OCD by not giving in to the compilations that plauged me into adulthood, and I am coming to realise, my drinking was another manifestation of that, something that has been with me in different forms all my life

Tetrax

Yeah margbella it's true. Here's a new thought, also. What if because the obsession of booze is so protracted (e.g. because you are at work all day just thinking about it) then the compulsion is likewise (when you get home from work you drag it out to your satisfaction)? Either way it's gotta be closely related. And AVRT in my opinion is very similar to the 'Brain Lock' method of OCD 'recovery.'*

For me it's just harder to follow through because I think there is genuine (if illusory) pleasure in booze.

*Also for those unaware OCD is generally described as chronic, with relapse and remission. And the word 'relapse' is indeed used. Another correlation.

margbella

I have done SMART recovery and the CBA..cost, benefit analysis.. so of course there is something we get out of booze, or else we wouldn't do it. Normal drinkers get pleasure from booze.
I got pleasure from booze until I was 36 and it got out of hand, and caused untold misery for me and my kids.
The thing about CBA.cost benefit analysis is.. What do you get out of booze compared to what it is taking from you?
By the time you get to the level you are me are at..it's destroying us, and we are ingesting it just to stay alive..no fun
It used to be fun, but torture now. It alters brain chemistry when you take too much.
Saturday night in Newcastle with my girls, are are distant memory,withdrawals are my new norm, amd drinking alone and depression and illness

Caprice6

Caprice6

Caprice6

Just to make it clear, the image is to lighten things up, no ill will intended. It's a reminder to me as well to quit for good before it's too late or goes too far.
I'm all to familiar with the feelings, and hope you continue in recovery. I hope no one ever feels that way again.
All the best.

Obladi

A truer statement has never been made by anyone that wants to stop.
It is harder for you, Tetrax. Just like it is harder for every single individual alcoholic out there who wants to stop and can't. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that just about everyone on this board has been or is one of those individuals.

I get it. The excuses. The fear. The enormous physical discomfort. The rationalization. The fear. The love/hate relationship with alcohol. For me, I think the single greatest discomfort was living a life that was devoid of authenticity - and not being able to forget or escape that no matter how much I drank.

It's been harder for every single person because it's entirely 100% an individual journey. Sure, other people can be enormously helpful, but in the end it's an inside job.

I know you can find a way.
Don't ever stop trying.
You're an intelligent guy. I think you know that once you really give quitting your all without any escape clause, you'll be done. *

O

*This simple wisdom was passed along to me by many a sober person - I sincerely hope you "get" it a whole lot quicker than I did. It gets worse.

Kenway

i myself have come to the exact same realization: that it IS indeed progressive. not only had my body changed (insofar as its ability to metabolize alcohol), but also in the amounts i drink.

i don't even need as much to GET drunk, but once i start, i tend to drink for longer than i did, say, a year or two ago (sometimes spanning slightly more than two days).

i'm glad to have stumbled upon your post, as it reminded me of this recent revelation and has fortified my resolve to never return to the stuff.

how is your anxiety now?
i just quit recently and for the first 2 days i was a WRECK, but find that i am much better if i can power through to the 3rd or 4th.

Thanks again for the post :-)

ScottFromWI

Yes, it is harder for addicts in general. But I can also tell you from personal experience that the “pleasure” eventually goes away too. It’s all part of the progression. Eventually you simply need to drink to keep your pulse and BP at a manageable level. There is no “buzz” anymore, even initially. Maybe you aren’t there yet but you will be if you keep drinking - the only question is when.

All of these mental gymnastics you are putting yourself through are also quite common. You can always find some kind of correlation to justify the reason you drink....but it’s always twisted logic driven by your addiction. There is never a good reason for an alcohol to take even one sip, ever. You just have to decide which path to choose.

DriGuy

^What Scott said. Believe it. It's true.

360shoes

Hope you are doing alright Tetrax.

I always struggled mentally with alcohol. The next day was always painful. When I was younger I physically could handle it. When I got to the point of waking up and wanting to drink I knew something changed. And that bothered me along with a list of other things.

All I know is my life is so much better when I don't drink. I try to keep it simple. And I try to just focus on what's working. Taking care of myself and not drinking is working so far.

I know it can be harder for some people whether it's the physical, mental, or life situation. I just don't wish pain on anyone so regardless I just want you to have a good life

Tetrax

Oh my god you just made 2000 posts. To me that in itself is a beautiful thing. Anyway for me the next day is no longer painful (I don't have hangovers anymore! Just withdrawal waiting in the wings), it's just the next day, but I will get off this stuff soon, so as to make sober the new normal once again. And I really will x

Mags1

Tetrax, I really hope you do make it sober.

margbella

I understand you wanting the conditions to be perfect for when you stop.
I do crafty stuff, and have to have everything in order before I start. My DIL can come where I am trying to sort my stuff, pick things up and has made something while I am still faffing around. In the middle of what I consider bedlam in my craft room, she just sits, rummages for what she needs and gets on with it, while I am trying to get the crap in order.
This time I gave up drinking, was in the middle of the day, the middle of a week.
Not neat at all, but had taken a leaf out of her book, just sit down and get on with it
Sometimes it's liberating to go against your own grain

Tetrax

This is what I needed to hear. I've just gotta quit at a time, not a date when I inevitably drink to the end of it.

August252015

I just looked at the start date of this thread, Tetrax. You could be 12 days sober by now.

biminiblue

Q: When's the best time to plant a tree?

A: Twenty years ago.

Q: When's the second best time?

A: Today.




There's wisdom in that.