I never used to believe it was progressive
 

All through my 20s and early 30s I guess I knew I had a problem, but it seemed manageable, and not getting particularly worse. It seemed to me drinking was the only fun in life and I was one of the lucky ones who could appreciate it! Some hangovers I had to deal with, sure, but that was mostly okay.

Now into my mid-30s and it seems something has changed in my physiology. I'm still reeling from last Sunday night's binge - I've been trying to taper all week - I just can't get straight. Had to get a bottle of vodka at 2am tonight for the panic.

It's all just anxiety and panic, post-binge these days. No 'almost fun' (if you had the day off work) easy-breezy twentysomething's 'oh let's get a takeaway and watch movies all night' thing on a hangover these days.

Oh no, it's just let's get a bottle of vodka instead. Even though I can't stand the stuff...

Then why continue drinking/drugging? Do something about it.

I plan to. Very much so. I'd tried to taper and it hasn't worked. Just expressing my feelings.

I also wish to raise any possible discussion on the topic of progression. I mean what I'm saying is up until a few months ago I seemed bulletproof with regards to hard drinking. To be honest, I loved it. Then a few months ago my body seemed to say he didn't love it anymore. And it is hard for me to balance that in my sense of who I am. My head says I like to have fun, my body - basically my whole entire nervous system - says I'm an alcoholic.

Was this a distinct change for anyone else, I guess is what I'm wondering?

Read your post history,man.. Come'on. I'd call that 'personal progression'.

I know my post history man! I'm talking about progression over years. I mean, didn't you have a period of 'good times'! What changed for you? Circumstances or your own body chemistry???

who cares? If it no longer works for a person, that person should stop doing it and if they can't, that person should seek help to stop doing it. It's really simple.

I don't think it matters that much what happened or why, to me what matters is what I'm going to do about it.

I was the same way in my 20s and 30s. Hangovers, yes, but manageable. I am now 51 and can tell you it does progress. My drinking is all binge, I am either on or off. And after each binge the recovery time gets longer. This last one had me down for a week.

As far as anxiety, I have resorted going to the hospital almost every time now because it feels like my heart is going to beat out of my chest and the anxiety is really bad. They can treat the anxiety there , it really helps as you detox. Why not try that, instead of another bottle of vodka? That just prolongs the cause of the anxiety.

DR and Least it's true I probably deserve it but tough love can go to hell right now. It's the last thing I can deal with. Thank you Pinnacle for your pragmatism, at least.

The hook that gets us trying again and again is 'the way it used to be'.

The funny thing is I look back now and there never was a used to be for me - I always drank to get wasted and I always drank 'badly' - without control and usually ending in embarrassment.

As a younger man I may have been able to recover more quickly - I lost that ability.

I also believe that my condition progressed - I could pretty easily not drink during the week at the start of my drinking years - gradually night time drinking crept in....I ended up needing to drink every day.

I think these are common problems for most of us., but the solution is the same - putting the bottle down and keeping it down.

First things first - putting the bottle down - if you need professional medical help with withdrawal please get it Tetrax.

D

Thanks Dee for your comment, I mean all I'm asking is how did everyone FEEL when it seemed to progress? Was it panic, anxiety, or am I not allowed to ask? For me since December last year something changed. Like, drastically. I reduced my meds because I thought it was them then I got them back up to where they were and I was fine doing 21 days dry. I guess I was surprised at how much panic took over when I went back to drinking (knowing the meds were 6+ weeks back in gear). It feels like I tipped over into physical dependence late last year. I just wanted others' opinions as to whether they felt like they fell off a cliff at a specific moment (almost like those walruses in Our World on Netflix - sorry if that's too soon, but **** it, that's what it feels like)...

I felt like I had a reasonable hand on things for my first ten years then it seemed like that control vanished overnight.

My response? I drank more.. cos thats what I did when I worried.

I got used to blacking out.
I got used to drinking in the morning.
I got used to wetting myself when I passed out.
I got used to injuries falls and loss of money credit cards etc.
I got used to being carried home by friends.

Noone in their right mind should get used to any of that.

You've been here a while tetrax - you have not only your own threads but other peoples to read as well.

I'm a little surprised its that surprising to you things are getting worse that quickly but yeah man - things do get worse and it can be breathtakingly sudden.

I think you're experiencing something that's very common for a lot of us.

You must know, at least intellectually, what to do to stop the panic and anxiety.
You either quit now or it gets even worse.

D

If you were to 100% stop drinking/drugging for 12months what would happen to ya? Try it..

To be honest Dee, deep down, I know I'm experimenting. 'Cause I know if I don't go low enough now, then future me will tell me I'm not an alcoholic.

Basically it's almost like I'm in the process of trying to prove to myself that I am one, so future me can't deny it. If that makes sense?

Having said that, I didn't realise the withdrawals would be so bad: I guess, because I was always in denial.

But I guess the core of it is trying to find out WHO I AM. Basically because WHO I HAVE BEEN for my whole adult life has been this guy who drinks (and who believes his whole social/love life depended upon that fact). And I'm finding that identity hard to let go.

no offense,but you were blaming your roomates(who shared their blow) for going to bed with their girlfriends instead of going to buy booze the other day..you were awake and bitter as hell. What are you waiting for,exactly?

I had to 'get over myself' to get sober..


Edit: I,kinda, apologize for being direct.. It's how I talk.

You ask a lot of interesting questions. And you often show very reflective, valuable insight. Be awesome to see what you can do with the gifts you have if you were sober man.

I can't say when the scales tipped for me. Sometimes I find my self thinking about it - and thinking about all the time I wasted drinking, about the people I hurt, things I missed out on. Then I'm thankful, relieved I never have to suffer like that again.

Hope you do the work to get out soon bro. There's a better life waiting.

Hey Tetrax!

I'm glad to see you are here with us still.

What steps have you taken lately in working towards sobriety? I know you have a tough living situation.

Look DR, I don't know if you're looking for a fight or what. But I get enough of that feeling with my housemates. They take cocaine. They're not exactly angels. I did too that night. It was my choice. I regret it. But tonight I came here for some support, that is all.

Thanks LG and K. Honestly I'm just trying to make my two weekend bar shifts the next two days and not get fired. Drinking will inevitably be involved after this week. Both shifts are till 2am. On Sunday maybe I can come back to earth. If I still have a job. Which may or may not be a good thing.

I am an alcoholic desperately trying to salvage their bartending job, in a bartending house, basically....