PhoenixJ

repeat post- der





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thanks all
avatar is mine- ACT work in images- dark mass of negative sh,it from past- most likely always bewith me, so I need to work with them, not fighting....oil pastels, which is my least fav medium.






Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 18,892
Blog Entries: 2

The pic is blurred and my face screened for global security concerns...… the hand is swaddled in bandages, capsuled in a custom splint- guided into a padded collar and cuff sling..akey, but ok


Seeing as the donor site- about 2 x 4cm at least is in the inner thigh- that is being kept under cover for the reasons of stuff

thanks to all who are there for me, it has made a huge diff


this admit almost fun....
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MidnightBlue

Hi, weekenders.

I am in.

Finally can catch a breath a little bit, so, going to write about my adventures of the last two weeks.

Phoenix - Glad to see that you are recovering after the surgery and maintain your warrior's disposition.

Welcome to everyone who's just joined the weekenders. You are in a good place here.

See you later.

andyh

morning all. Happy Friday! I'm in for another weekend free from the clutches of alcohol.

STDragon

LOL, I was just asked that by a co-worker on the way out. Due to my advanced years with the company, I have lot's of holiday days each year.

What's a bush break? Camping in the out-back?

STDragon

Hi Dpac happy to see you here this weekend.
Not me I was too stupid... But I love hearing stories of the younger people joining the sober revolution.

biminiblue

I got sober the first time in my early thirties. Don't follow in my footsteps and pick up a drink again 18 years from now. Not my best decision.

CG, nice to see you in Weekenders. You're doing so well.

PJ, such foresight bringing your Beatles tee shirt to the hospital. I'm glad to see you up and joking.

Sao, those canal pictures never get old.

I am hanging on the edge of my seat for Midnight's story.

John65

Hi Hawkeye, hi Sao

MesaMan

.
SSDD -> Same Sunrise ~ Different Day

Finally copped a break in the Weather after a long stretch of sputtering Snow. Rain. Wind. Unpredictable temps. The Rocky Mountains kinda saved us from the mondo Blizzard that shut down the East side of the State, so no complaints. Climbing temps in Sun now each Day that peak at 70 F [21 C] by Monday.

Yesterday was Day 2 of helping a Pal Solarize his Pop-Up Truck Camper. The zippy Wind from Snow Squalls made working outside for >8 Hours kinda miserable, but he's flown outta Town now for a few Days. We'll hit it again mid-next Week to finish up. Reverse Engineering the convoluted Wiring on the ~20 Year-old Camper ate a bunch of time. Ya first gotta understand what you're hooking the Solar Package to before getting on with it.

I been getting all Adult_y in Sobriety now that Spring Has Sprung. Paid all Property Taxes a few Months early. Same with Property Insurance. Mailed Income Taxes early ta boot. Got up and knocked off ~40 Minutes of Chores first thing today. Me, I find this sorta stuff is my own lil Anti-Procrastination Campaign. Which I have been known to lull into as part of Alcoholic Sloth. Now, Serenity First. Looking forward to returning today to the Dog Park, and recovering from the atypical physical and mental exertion put out yesterday.

WAY off in the distance under the Clouds in the Pic below is Ouray CO.

Mountain Town Webcams, and the Hot Springs Pools we like to hit...

~ Ouray Colorado Webcams ~

~ 'Life Goes On' ~ The Kinks ~

MLD51

Shoot. Taxes. I'd better start thinking about that, eh? I think it's going to be an "extension" year for me. I think I'm missing a couple of things I need. Or they ended up in the wrong pile. This weekend's task... get all tax stuff in one pile. Apply for extension, or file. Life has been bat ____ crazy lately.

MidnightBlue

Ок, weekenders.

It’s time to entertain you a little bit.

Here’s the chronology of events that happened during the last two weeks.

It’s going to be loooong - get comfy.

So, two weeks ago, having found myself in the most desperate financial situation I went to a temporary job agency and scheduled my first job.

The agency provides unskilled odd jobs with minimum wage. An average rage is an equivalent of $1.8. Yes, you heard me right.

What is more you get paid after you’ve worked for at least 5 shifts. And the equivalent of about $13 of the first paycheck is frozen in case you do some “damage” while on the job.

And they give you a uniform T-shirt which costs about that and is free only after 20 shifts.

So, you get the idea. I somehow put myself in the position which is not far from being a modern slave.

But desperate times…

I bit the bullet..One day at a time.. Blah-blah..

My first gig was at the clothes store. The first two hours I was making balloons which red “Sale”. Next day my finger was bruised because I needed to tie a knot and then fasten a balloon to a stick.
Then I was printing tags. And then I had to sort out a big pile of clothes and fasten security tags to some of them.

Ok.

Actually I thought I would even “enjoy” that kind of work in some way - I can make some money and I can give my tortured mind a rest.

Nah.

Being bossed around by a bad-mannered young girl because I wasn’t fastening balloons fast enough, etc. Got on my nerves.

And then I somehow managed to fasten security tags the wrong way, and got a big reprimand, and felt like a total loser who can’t even do this kind of a job.

You know, it’s one thing when I doubt myself doing a challenging demanding job, it’s a different beast entirely to be “looked down” upon because I am doing some primitive job for the first time and my skills are not “perfect”.

And the girls…I think I haven’t heard so much profanity during the last 5 or more years combined.

All that time I couldn’t shake off the thought: “What in the hell am I doing here?”.

Don’t take me wrong - it’s not that I think I am too good for this job. I don’t understand why I doubt myself so much that at some point I start believing that I don’t deserve anything better.

You can take anyone and teach them make balloons fast enough in a day or 2.

I have skills and experience which require years to develop. What’s wrong with me?

Ok, shift was over. It was Sunday and I got home at about 9 p.m.
On Monday I had to get up at 5.30 because yet another adventure was ahead of me.

You see, one of the reasons I opted for temporary job to keep me afloat was because they promised gigs with reasonable commute.
And the nearest job available was a cashier at an outlet of a large DIY and home improvement tools and supplies retailer.

When I checked with the agency I didn’t consider working as a cashier at first. My emotional state is far from stable, and the last thing I needed is a heavy burden of handling-money responsibility and being upfront with customers 8-10 hours in a row.

But desperate times…

And, in addition to that, a cashier job requires 3-day training which pays even less - staggering $15 for all three days. And, if at all, this luxurious amount of money is paid only after you’ve worked 10 shifts as a cashier at that store.

So, I had barely money to buy a train ticket to get there, but I had no idea when I was going to get paid.

Let alone I was mortified about the job itself - I am an introvert, how am I going to do this? I need 100% focus and attention all the time - will I able to get myself together? When it comes to a real shift I am going to have only 2 30-minute breaks during 8-hour shift. What if I need to go to a bathroom? What if..

But focus on now…

The first instruction they gave me made me feel even worse. The outlet has thousands of goods - from tile to flowers, etc. Sometimes scanner doesn’t read some goods’ barcodes, so you need to call a respective department to figure out how to put it on the receipt.

Some people cheat and put expensive goods into boxes from cheaper goods or even change barcode stickers. You need to stay vigilant, otherwise they will deduct it from your salary.

Great.

I was assigned to a quite a nice lady, maybe a bit older than me. She let me try it on the first day.

Of course, I was anxious. But surprisingly, I found myself quite relaxed and even enjoying dealing with customers.

Much better than doing balloons anyway.

But I was with my trainer, and the perspective of staying there alone still wasn’t the thing I was most looking for.

Next day she told me: “Ok, go take my place”. I served the first customer. And the trainer said “You got it. Like riding a bike, no?”.

Yeah, sure thing.

Third day my trainer had a day off. I was waiting to be assigned to someone else when the guy in charge of all the cashiers approached me and said: “You go with me now”.

It turned out that one of the cashiers had some emergency at home and they needed to fill in the vacant spot ASAP. So they put me right on the shift.

He placed me near an experienced cashier and told her to keep an eye on me.

Before I started he said: “Don’t fret”.

And really I didn’t. Ok, maybe a little bit.

I survived my first 6-hour shift.

Then there was a moment when the chief cashier on the shift counts all the cash in the cash box.

The deal is that the total amount of cash sales stored in the computer has to match the amount of cash in the box.

So, I passed the test - it matched.

They asked me if I can do another shift next day.

I said I can.

I breathed out and left for home with some kind of weird satisfaction: “I can manage this too”.

I spend 6 hours on feet, didn’t had issues with bathroom and overall managed all the customers.

Somehow I put emotional wall around myself - I didn’t care what anyone thought about me. For that period of times I needed to focus on goods and cash.

Later that day I had a date with Hell Maybe. My, was I glad to sit in the cafe and sip coffee.

Next day my shift started at 8 a.m and now I was all on my own - no experienced person next to me.

I managed.

I was tired as a dog, and made it to boxing later in the evening.

It’s strange - like I was running a conversation in my head: “See, I can do this kind of job and still make it to the gym”.

Who I am explaining myself to? Whose approval I am still trying to get? Why at all?

I had just 2 shift to go before my first pay check, and I even made a peace with a cashier job - I could do 2 or even more shifts.

But the jobs for the next week were already filled in and the lady in charge of temporary employees said that chances are she could give me only night shift - which end at 11 p.m.

Great.

To get back in a suburbian train (not the safest place for sure) at about midnight to get my minimum wage salary. I don’t know about that.

Ok, I’ll figure it out.

Last Friday I called the agency and asked what else they had. The only job available was some packaging job, and then I had to clean and wash the machinery.

I had money left only for 2 days of train tickets.

I lost it.

WTF.

Some time ago my therapist (I started working with her 15+ years ago, so there’s a lot of trust between us) told me that in crisis time she would do a session with me and I can pay later, when my situation improves.

So I called her.

I was crying all the time. I said I didn’t want to live. I wasn’t lying.

Somehow she helped to gather myself into one piece.

When we finished our skype session I told “Enough is enough. I am not doing this packaging job”.

So I started looking for gigs online which match my skills.

In less desperate position I would overthink and fret about making an offer for hours.

Upside of being totally against the wall.

I needed to pay for Internet on Monday, and I didn’t have that measly $10. And what

I found a site with one-time gigs of all kinds: to write a letter, to make a translation, market analysis.

I answered to 26 job offers. 6 clients were interested. I landed 3 gigs.

The first one was for about $15. Yees! I will pay for the internet.
I did it. The jerk client delayed payment though.

First I thought that “Ok, don’t panic. You can use free Wi-Fi at Mcdonalds. “.

And then I got notification that I landed another assignment - market analysis which paid decent money!

It requires lots of time on Internet, no way I can pull it off at McDo.

Now I was panicking, beating myself up, and so on and so far.

Then I found my late gramma’s earrings - really cheap. I swallowed the rest of my pride and try to pawn them. Even if it would be peanuts. I just need $10. They gave me more. I paid for the internet and did the job.

Got paid for both gigs.

Started doing the third one.

I now have money even to buy some summer-weather coat. Would you believe the old one went almost to pieces and I am still wearing my winter coat at 10+C.

Jeeze. How did I get there?

Oh, did I mention that doing my first gig on Sunday I still sneaked in a date with Hell Maybe?

We were in a sport bar since his fav soccer team was playing and he had to watch it. It was fun.

And for once I had a proper meal.

Last two weeks I’ve been living on buckwheat, cabbage, sunflower seeds. Protein was limited to 1 egg a day.

Desperate times…

Another dark shadow of this situation is that Hell Maybe doesn’t know about all this.

When we started seeing each other I didn’t see that the relationships would develop. So, why to expose all my s**t and pain, and explain what got me here?

Now I am just ashamed.

Anyway.

All this turmoil got to me.

On Wednesday I had another emotional meltdown. I still didn’t get payment for the first gig back then, had hard times finding some data for the analysis, and just was wiped out.

When Hell Maybe called I wanted to get some emotional support, some warm feeling.

I said that I wasn’t in a good place emotionally, and felt like I hit a wall.

I felt even worse.

Sure thing, it’s easy when I am always laughing, joking, and ready to listen to his soccer talks. Now, what are we going to do when I am falling apart?

I felt totally alone and angry.

Yesterday I told him all that on the phone.

He answered: “I just don’t know what to say”.

Yeah, Mars, Venus, all the jazz… Doesn’t help when I feel like crap and need someone to offer me a shoulder though.

When I got paid and the second client left a good review I cheered up, of course.

I was late for workout, pulled on clothes and rushed out of the door.

I was running down the stairs of my apartment building entrance, and then I saw him.

There he was - Hell Maybe with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

He knows the time when I leave for the gym.

My jaw just dropped: “What are you doing here?!”

- Well, I thought I need to do something about your mood”.

So I rushed back, put flowers into the vase, and she walked me to the gym.

All happened so fast that I didn’t have time to really feel the moment. Later on I wanted to play it back in slow motion.

Today I cut myself some slack, afforded dates and super-dark chocolate (I eat 97.7%, no sugar at ll).

That’s my last two weeks in a very lengthy nutshell.

I am going through yet another very challenging and very weird stage of my life.

I hope I will learn from it what I need to learn because suffering for sake of suffering and majoring in making balloons..I’m done with it.


Have a great Friday, weekenders!

biminiblue

Awww. He's a keeper, MB.

Don't forget to breathe.

I think you're doing so well. ...and I love your story-telling. No wonder you get good reviews when the job involves writing.

saoutchik

Wow! That's quite a tale MidnightBlue, i'm glad you came through it reasonably unscathed, apart from balloon finger. Hopefully you will be starting full time work soon and the financial pressures will ease.

I had to go to the City or financial district today, time will tell if it was worthwhile. That's the Shard in the distance.

Mags1

Midnight, you really have strength of character! Sorry some things are going tough....you will get through, you are getting through!

Mags1

Saou, it’s a beautiful building!

WhoDeyPI

Ya'll, I was THIS close to relapsing last night. I just made a thread talking about it....but it wasn't cool. Now I had all these plans for the weekend, all involving hiking and outdoor activities.....now it's supposed to rain. I'm going to struggle this weekend, I know that for sure.

biminiblue

WhoDey, if you think you're going to struggle - you will.

I read your post about it and I wonder what set it off? You don't have to answer, but I'm guessing something happened or you remembered something from your past and you were beating yourself up about it.

I don't know, just spitballing.

My #1 goal is watching my thoughts very carefully.

Is that thought helping me or harming me? Is that *problem* really mine or something I have to dwell on? Is someone else's sickness getting to me? Am I mad about some perceived injustice? Is it really an injustice or just my ego?

Bottom line, I have to change how I think if I'm thinking negatively about something. I absolutely cannot afford for a negative thought to take root.

biminiblue

The other thing is...I live in Western Washington. If I cancelled hikes or walks because of rain, I'd never leave the house.

Get out there. Buy a jacket and a hat and some leather shoes. You deserve good gear and you have the money now. Buy it with your sober wallet -the money saved from not drinking.

ConfusedGuy

Checking in - is Friday night here, Im just focused on getting through to Monday. I have 6 days now. tomorrow will be a whole week without a drop of alcohol.

Pinky1

Hi can I join please for a sober weekend.
I'm only 10 days sober today, it's 7.15 pm UK.
My husband will be home shortly so I won't drink. Planned a busy day tomorrow and we are out with friends tomorrow night but I'm driving and they will only have 1 drink if that as they aren't drinkers, rarely touch the stuff.
Just be Sunday to keep busy but my husband will be home and I am going to ask him not to have a glass of wine with dinner. We don't keep any alcohol in the house anymore anyway

CaptainHaddock

WhoDeyPI, glad you made it!

Midnight, still glad to see you posting again. To be honest, I still have to read your post in full, but I surely will!