Canuck76

I did all those sneaky tricks. Unfortunately, I didn't heed those warning signs and continued to drink. I lost everything in the process. job, girlfriend, car etc.

least

Our beloved CarolD used to always say that you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I hope our support helps you get to that point.

listae

I fit your profile but then I just lost my "successful professional" facade when a two-year project that I needed to have done and required high cognitive functioning could not get done. I was given notice and now will lose my job. It finally made me quit and stop keeping my drinking a secret.

Have you considered stopping for 24 hours at a time and seeing how far you get? There are many people trying this approach every month. A new class opens for those trying to stop (short or long term) every month. (See March 2019 thread.)

Have you considered posting on SR daily as a way of checking-in on what you think may or may not be a problem? Have you confided in your doctor to see whether s/he thinks you classify as having "a problem"?

I suspected I had a problem for a very long time, but I deluded myself into thinking that I was a "high functioning heavy drinker"?

Do the semantics really matter? Or, is your health and wellbeing more important?

SIB

Gets way worse - for me if I knew I was going to happy hour, play golf or whatever where alcohol was going to be involved I'd have to make sure I had enough back home to "finish the job". I am single and self employed, I would just roll outta bed no matter what day or hour it was and go buy more, drink to oblivion and rinse/repeat. I would do that for days / weeks / months on end.

Vinificent

FDL180922

NicLin

Hello ForeRight,

Wow, reading your post was like looking into a mirror. I too was sneaking drinks and making sure I always had a little extra to mess me up more.
My marriage ended, I didn't realize the issue I had in time and as a result, traumatized and shut out my ex so that he didn't even care anymore, he was checked out. It breaks a little bit of my heart, but I know I need to work on me.
I am on Day ONE as well, after I couldn't stop. I really really want to, as I too enjoy WHO I AM SOBER. I like me, I spend less money, exercise, really see the world and am a sweet person, not the careless, selfish and self-destructive person that I cannot trust.

I wish you luck on here, it is really nice to see how people going through similar situations are doing. I feel like it's a family already and I just joined.

I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow, for DAY TWO!

DriGuy

Sounds like a problem to me, and I'm guessing you are somewhat new to processing the struggle while looking for a way out. I went for a couple of years processing, until my only remaining option was to quit drinking altogether. I needed help. I went to AA, just to be around people recovering from the struggle. I didn't get wrapped up in the numbered steps, some of which were easily intuitive to begin with. I just needed people. Many alcoholics quit with out any program (and perhaps not even any people) at all.

But through continued processing, the problem and solution that will work for you will become clear. I wish you luck and that you find your way to the journey.

Finalround

Reads like my own story. I'm 48 now and the daily drinking was taking a toll on me physically as well. I was feeling much older and depressed about it.

When I finally put a plan together and stopped drinking, I lost 12 pounds, bags under my eyes gone, bloating gone, aches and pains disappeared, clothes fit better, eyes got brighter, energy levels increased, motivation skyrocketed, work productivity elevated, more quality time spent with my kids and wife, more alert and present, overall feeling younger again and looking forward to my future.

If any of that sounds enticing, you ve come to the right place. Now you just need to do the work. And yes, it starts with a plan.

Welcome to SR.

Rickh54

Foreright, welcome to this forum. You have picked a great location for help, support and a dose of reality.
Sounds like you know what has happened over the years. Everyone of of the thousands of people on this site are on the same train. Everyone got on a different station, but we are on the journey together.
My last drink as 11/12/13 - 64.5 months ago. I am 65 so I calculate that I was a drunk for 45 years. From teenage years to 5 years ago, my drinking never stopped. Binge mostly. I was never a pint of vodka in the morning drunk, but my stop button was broken by the time of my early 20s.
Like you, I had a bad case of the yets. I hadn't lost a job, yet. I hadnt beat my wife, yet. I hadnt killed anyone in my car, yet. I can stop anytime I want, but not yet.
Anyone that describes themselves as a functioning alcoholic is fooling themselves. This is not a place, its a stage. Soon you wont be able to function. Thats the nature of the disease.
You say you dont have a plan to stop. Mistake number one. Develop a plan.
Change your life anyway you have to. Drive home a different route so you do not pass your favorite saloon. Change your golf group. Lose your drinking buddies and focus on your true friends. Avoid the social things and vacations that were drinking occasions. Have an exit strategy when you find you are uncomfortable in that group. A plan is paramount to your success.
When I quit, I felt I lost my best friend. This too shall pass.
I quit as grandkids started showing up. I really wanted to be a good papa and be there at the high school grad. Maybe even a wedding or two. We have 5 grandsons no and I spend as much time as I can every week with them.
Sober life is a great life. You got this my friend. It is a tough emotional road ahead of you, but with family support and love, you will be fine. You have to want to be sober with your family more than you want to be drunk with you buddies (or alone). I sense you do. Good luck brother.
Rick

ForeRight

Thanks again everyone. What a welcoming place.

Today I'm at the point where I'm done. As I look back I'm so embarrassed at all my stupid behavior. I feel a lot of shame sitting here. Even though I haven't lost a job, gotten a DUI, etc., there absolutely have been major negative consequences. I want to be a better person and numbing myself with alcohol can't be part of the equation.

I'm doing a lot of reading on here and elsewhere and coming up with a plan. I found a book called the 30 day sobriety solution so I'm starting there. How I continue to develop my plan from there I'll have to figure out. For now, its day 2.

DontRemember

Welcome... When I first joined here I 'kinda' new I had a problem with my drinking,but I hadn't had too many negative consequences and a member pointed out "YET",but I kept drinking "moderating(LOL)" ...sure enough a couple years later, while wrapped up in my 'booze brain lifestyle', one by one those negatives started to happen. I no longer have to worry about anything negative coming from my drinking,because I now do not drink at all...no matter what. Waayyy simpler that way.

Zebra1275

I did a lot of the behaviors you describe in your post. At 46, I hit the wall physically and my hangovers seemed to get worse.

To ease the morning after suffering I came up with the brilliant idea to have a couple of beers with my Egg McMuffin on the way to work. That made my mornings tolerable and by the end of my work day, I would end up having "just a couple"of drinks at night. It all came crashing down when I had 2 weeks of vacation with nothing to do, and soon slide into 'round the clock drinking for over a week. It took medical help to get me out of that rut, and suddenly my wife realized that I had a significant problem.

However, I didn't stop drinking, I tried new techniques to moderate it, without success. However, after drinking pretty heavily since the age of 20 it was hard to get sober. But physically in my mid 40's I just couldn't do it any longer.

The fact is, alcoholism is progressive and as you age your physical ability to deal with alcohol abuse decreases. The good news is, your body has a remarkable ability to recover from years of alcohol abuse.

AAPJ

Comments inserted above in bold. The summary of the simple plan was offered to me by an old timer @ an AA meeting. I discovered later that slightly different versions of that plan have been circulating the rooms of AA for decades.

ForeRight

So true on the age and effects . Hangovers are brutal anymore and physically it takes a much harder toll on me. And it goes straight to my waistline anymore, which just makes me feel worse about myself. I've started to feel a mental health issue from drinking as well. Either its the anxiety of mentally struggling with it, or the depressive effects its having on me -- whatever it is it is putting me into some dark places.

Love the simple plan, AAPJ!

Rickh54

The simple plan is just that. You have to make changes in your life. Serious changes. And I had to have an escape plan for every event happening.
I also have never felt shame. I shared my problem with those closest to me. I talk about to anyone that is truly interested. We spent 6 weeks in Panama this past Jan/Feb. Lots of expats where we were. Drinking is their activity of choice. One guy offered me drinks all afternoon in the pool area. Finally told him I don't drink at all but thanks. He asked why not. I said because I am a drunk. He said thats too bad. I said not for me its not. It is what it is and I am in a much better space being sober for 5+ years. The only person that pissed me off when I quit was myself. I was angry at only me for letting it get to this point.

tomsteve

that reads like youve passed the hangover stage of alcoholism and progressed to the withdrawl stage.

glad to read quite a bit has come to light for ya. reads like denial about the seriousness of it all has been smashed. it very well could be rough for a while for ya. you can get through it and nothing a drink will make better.
something to remember:
youre not a bad man gettin good.
youre a sick man gettin well.
a bad man wouldnt feel shame and guilt. a sick man would.
there IS a soltion.

gleefan

GetSmart

I don't post as much as I should, but this seems a good spot to jump back in because my story is pretty close to yours, but add about 10+ years of continued struggles. They say it's progressive. Believe them. I'll just illustrate with brief summary of the decade so between the moment when I was at your stage--realizing I probably had a problem, filling like crap, but not sure about what to do, not believing I really needed "help" just yet, and it goes something like this:

don't really need an excuse to drink, it's more like a hunger pang, what we call cravings. it has been years since I've actually wanted to drink just to get a buzz, at least as a conscious decision and it's (now) never because I'm celebrating, or sad, or stressed or whatever. just want to have a drink while I start the grill or whatever. and this many years later, I actually-consciously- want NOT to get drunk. I want to be able to moderate, and you will find 10,000 posts to this effect, to which the old timers and anyone with any experience with this "condition" (call it a disease, an allergy to alcohol, choose your own word) will say: it is not possible. Or more precisely, it might be possible some of the time (which gives you false sense of control) but absolutely impossible all of the time, which a buddy of mine with 15+ years of sobriety compares to Russian roulette: you spin the chamber enough times and you're gonna find the bullet sooner or later.

So the (seemingly) bad news is that you really should quit forever, which is terrible for your addictive voice (see the secular connections posts for this stuff), even though a life free from alcohol is really freedom, so it is really good news if you can pull it off, which you can (again, I'm not there yet; this is all autobiographical for me--I know it to be true, just haven't succeeded fully yet)

I have understood the above for some time, now, and have managed to put together a few spells of sobriety. and it felt great, really. I was not miserable not drinking and did not want to drink again. But I do/did; just one blink, just one "I've been doing well, maybe just a glass of X"... and the story repeats. I suspect you are not ready for AA (if you are, great, go for it). I'm still not, thanks to all the excuses I can make up, but everyone agrees that at least coming to this place (SR) and reading and posting helps. I know all of my relapses have in common the fact that I had not checked in here to remind myself why I had quit.

A few other thoughts: find some sober friends. We drinkers tend to hang out with other drinkers (then feel awkward when we don't participate). For me, if I can manage to skip the first couple of rounds and start to see how stupid people get, it is even easier to stay sober because I recognize that I'm not missing any real fun (conversations with drunks, on the other hand, can be unbearable, so look out). It's amazing that those of us who drink believe that 90% of the population drinks and it simply is not the case and those who abstain are, for the most part, NOT recovering alcoholics. They're normal people who are not addicted to this (legal) drug. I'm also convinced that something is going on with blood chemistry and sugars since alcohol is a good source of calories and our body likes efficient delivery of calories, even if they are empty and actually poisonous. I know my most common trigger is that hunger that I mistake for a need/desire to drink and that my worst binges are those where I have an early drink that then turns into "hey, who needs real food? I'm not that hungry anyway, how about another beer/cocktail/insert your own drink of choice".

Sorry to be long-winded. I tend to lurk and not post & then when I do, it's too long, but if you read enough of these, you'll see the same patterns. You may be one of the lucky ones who can just decide, heck I've had enough, this feels great and never drink again. But start trying sooner than later, cause I promise you will not grow out of it, it just gets harder and then it's time for the 3 day hangovers, acting like an idiot in front of your kids & spouse, etc. not worth it. not fun. and too easy to forget that when it's just "a little beer at the 19th hole"...

GetSmart

follow up: I would also suggest doing something I haven't done yet, which is to join the "class of March 2019" type of threads it's online commitment to each other, people starting out at the same point, more or less, with occasional good input from those with more sober time