Anna

Mera, it sounds like you're doing well and you have a lot of support. And, I love that you and your boys took such loving care of the poor cat.

yinzer

(((Hugs)))

Meraviglioso

Ah yes, crucial update, the most important update..... THE CAT!

Well the poor cat must have another home or a couple of other homes he frequents, because I haven't seen him as much since we took him to the vet. He did come back the day after he was supposed to have his first shot for the AIDS, I got him in my house and put the needle in, he didn't freak out or anything. But when I went to push in the medication the needle broke off, the medicine went spraying everywhere, including my face. I then had to chase him down and fish the needle out of his neck. So there was that. He's been coming on and off throughout the week. The second injection went much better. I was able to get all the medication in him and the needle out cleanly.

He hasn't been by today yet which is strange, he usually comes every morning for food. I suspect that someone else that he visits has seen him so poorly and takes him in for the night. In any case, he is the community cat, free to do as he pleases, I just did my small part to help him along.

Meraviglioso

I wanted to comment further on my post yesterday. I spoke of my doctor stating that one glass of wine is a PROBLEM. I want to make clear to anyone who has come along recently that I wasn't always this way. Just a few years ago I was drinking morning to night, sometimes waking in the night and taking a swig of whatever was there. I was destroying my body, my soul, my family, everything. I went to rehab and got out of that daily cycle. I did a good four or five months before my first relapse after rehab and have since continued to relapse. They are becoming fewer and further between, often as simple as one single glass of wine. But every time I drink something awful happens. DUI, losing my kids, letting my kids down, fight with my boyfriend, etc. etc. I am a million times "better" than where I was prior to rehab yet my life is a million times worse each time I drink. Social services getting involved, the school calling me in for meetings to see what is going on, everyone in the entire village and surrounding areas knows my problem and my business. One glass of wine IS A PROBLEM for an alcoholic.
My goal now is to end this once and for all. I can't go on like this. It doesn't matter if my blood is pristine, I am as healthy as an athlete, I keep my house clean, I do my stuff.... none of it matters if I have even one sip of alcohol. My goal is to never drink again.

lessgravity

Never drinking again, it's a better world for us!

Stayingsassy

Oh Mera, I really feel for you with this custody battle. I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you.

But you are right: with enough sober time, the kids and the ex will trust you again.

So about that sober time: it sounds like you might be making some excuses for your drinking in that you explain how much worse you used to be, and that now your drinking is not as bad as it was, and that you might avoid drinking mostly to avoid consequences with the court and the kids.

I think it’s important to draw that line in the sand about what’s important for YOU, not about how you appear to others.

You may be getting away with drinking here and there, but it sounds like it alarms the kids, concerns people and also it tells the addiction that you are not serious. You give yourself a little more rope every time you “get away” with drinking a little, and the problem is that for alcoholics, that much rope can hang you.

Lots of consequences in your life; big ones, to grapple with now. Make a final statement for yourself, one that gives you a real sober life, and an actual end to your drinking and also to the drinking self that you used to have. That drinking self needs to go.

When you have a social situation with pressure to drink, no matter who it comes from, you must be very clear. You need to tell that person “I don’t drink alcohol at all” and if pressed, say it another way “I stopped drinking and now I never drink.” With a smile of course, and many compliments on the food offered. Keep being clear with your statement until the pressing stops.

You have a real chance at a new beginning, and building trust by staying sober can help give you back your opportunity to be the mother you want to be.

Move forward with direction and clarity and trust can be rebuilt.

Meraviglioso

Well this morning I received my medical exam results. I am pleased to report that my hair test, going back 6 months, resulted in a reading of "astemia" I was not even in the "low consumption category" This is what I expected as I had only had a couple of relapses in which I only drank a minimal amount. I should, if all goes well with my interview with the commission, receive my licence back. I'm quite pleased but also feel some hurt, anger and shame as I know that I was not truly sober for those six months. The level of ETG in my hair was so small that it resulted in that but it is not honest and I feel bad about that. The commission allows for a level of "medium drinking" so regardless I would have passed even if they stated something else, but I still feel bad. The cut off for astemia is 7, I was at 5.

firstymer

Mera, you have continued to move forward, despite the setbacks that you have experienced. That is all that we can hope for, isn’t it? Try not to be too hard on yourself. We are proud of you.

Meraviglioso

Another update. This morning I met with my older son's teachers, the principal of the elementary school and the principal of the middle school where he will be attending.
I was well rested, well dressed and most importantly sober. The meeting went well. We discussed a number of ongoing issues with my son, things stemming from his insecurity and fragility. My children's father surprisingly brought up the fact that the children, particularly my older son, has been asking when they will return to stay with me. All parties involved thought this would be a good idea.
My children's father said he would call my various doctors (psychiatrist, psychologist and the outpatient rehab center) and get their opinions. I hope that my continued sobriety, demonstrated by twice weekly urine tests, multiple blood tests and a full hair exam going back 6 months will be proof enough.
For now I just enjoy the brief moments I get with them. Yesterday we had about 40 minutes together. The children chose to spend that time wrapped up in my arms kissing me and having me hold them, then moving on to snack time (mommy has better snacks, papi forgets to do the shop!) and some important lego work. It was bliss. I won't see them today. But just in case something quickly changes I went to the supermarket to do a full shop to have all kinds of delicious and nutritious foods they love, all the snack foods they like- olives and carrots and the little mozzarella balls, I even bought those kellogg's stack bars that they LOVE (but are surely full of all kinds of bad things)
I've set out the frying pan for eggs in the morning, I have the school uniforms washed and ironed. Just waiting now.

Meraviglioso

Well. Well. Not even sure what to write or how to start. I haven't spoken to my sponsor so I feel guilty writing before speaking to her, she is a member here.
I, in what can only be defined as an act of self-sabatogue, drank yesterday after writing this message.
I had been holding strong for so long, 5+ appointments a week for my mental health or alcoholism. Showing up t each and every one without fail, well dressed, well spoken, humble, admitting my wrongs...... I finally arrived at the point I had hoped for and crumbled. So many people had been telling me all along, go to your lawyer, all of your blood, urine, hair, etc shows you are not drinking, you show up to each and every appointment on time and do the work. Call the police, anything! Get your kids back! The police even told me that they COULD go get my kids for me, my ex was essentially kidnapping them. Yet I persisted, I just knew if I kept doing the work, kept working hard, stayed sober it would all come together peacefully. And it did, yesterday. We came to an agreement that my kids want to be with me, need to be with me and should be with me and thus, would be with me. My ex called me yesterday evening to say some nice words and work out a plan on how we would start back with shared custody and I was trashed. He caught on nearly immediately and cut off the call.
I called him early this morning and asked him to come by for coffee after dropping the kids off. He did. We had a somewhat nice talk. The kids will come by this afternoon for a visit but it will be another few weeks before we talk about overnight visits.
I have no explanation for why I did what I did. I feel miserable and like I am beyond help. I hold it together and then just crash and burn.

Sunflower79

ReadyAtLast

Mera I'm so sorry to read this. Your post of yesterday was full of hope and positive moves forward. It is almost like self sabotage-do you think somewhere deep down you don't deserve to be happy and sober?

But what's done is done. Can you maybe speak with someone. It's positive you have a good relationship with your ex. Wishing you all the best.

Hawkeye13

So sorry Mera--I have done almost exactly the same thing several times this past year.

Get things going well, life is positive and good, and bam--I drank for seemingly no reason except to derail my own life and progress.

I finally think I understand that I'm uncomfortable with the radical change that comes with taking way the buffer / excuse drinking always offered me as an out to not be fully accountable for my growth and actions.

Drinking, I always (think I) have a "valid" reason I don't get it perfect (and I think you are a perfectionist too?) because, after all, I relapsed because I have "a problem" instead of persisting in building my solution.

You aren't alone and you can beat this once and for all.
You can--don't stop recovery whatever the results of this setback.

I'm far more solid in my recovery now that I've faced how I "used" my drinking as a rhetorical ploy to avoid my own truth and self-doubt.
I am not saying that this is why it happened for you, but that there is something that sets you off you can find, face, and resolve.
Difficulty is catalyst for growth, terrible as it is in the midst of our subjective suffering.

Anna

Oh Mera, I was thrilled to hear that things were so close to your children coming to stay with you again. And, then I read the next post and was stunned. You held things together for months, but maybe you are still waiting for the shift in thinking that you can never drink again. I'm sure you're disappointed and I'm sure your boys will be disappointed, but hopefully you can get past this.

lessgravity

Sad to hear Mera. Pick it up, dust off and keep it moving.

You have the leverage you need to get and stay sober. Same leverage I've used. You need to convince yourself that you can never drink again.
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2ndhandrose

"I hold it together and then just crash and burn"

Mera, I have followed your journey for a long time. One of the things that always jumps out at me in your posts is 'perfectionism'.

It appears to me that you struggle to do things perfectly, to come across perfectly, to perform perfectly, in your home, your housekeeping, and in your appearances and relationships to others.

This is one of my own struggles and I think it is somehow tied to a need for control and maybe some people pleasing, as well.

Accepting that drinking doesn't work for me, ever, has to be more than "holding it together", because holding it together is a struggle I can’t maintain.

I truly hope you can find your way past the struggle.

(((Mera)))

Preciousguppy

Alcoholism sure is baffling, isn't it?

My most vulnerable times were when things were going well, that's when I'd drink. Of course, then things weren't going well. It took a long time for me to learn, but I did.

Honestly? I think I would put off having the kids on a permanent basis for now. If it was that easy to pick up, it's just too soon.

Have you considered Antabuse?

Meraviglioso

I have considered and used antabuse with little to no success. I am able to drink a little bit on it with minimal repercussions. I don't know what else to do. I go good for a long period of time and then I just cave.

lessgravity

You're split in half - wanting to be the mother your children deserve and wanting to feed the dark half of you

In the end its not Antabuse in my opinion. It's your finally understanding, deeply getting that you have only one life to live.

Preciousguppy

Mera, for me, it all boiled down to this:

There will NEVER be a time, a day, a moment, that it will be ok for me to drink. No matter what. Never. Ever. I absolutely do not want (more of) the consequences of drinking alcohol, ever again. I already have a chronic illness from it.

When I finally faced the reality that I could never, ever drink again, things just changed. I can best describe it as relief.

Have you done that yet, Mera?