Zero trust (thanks LG for the inspiration)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Mera, there are 1000 things you can do to try to improve your life. There are 1000 things that ANY of us can do to try to improve our lives.
And there is ONE thing that has proven, time after time, to make your life worse.
We are here for you. And you can this.
Make the right choice. You have 1000 options before you. For God’s sake, don’t choose the option that is guaranteed to fail.
And there is ONE thing that has proven, time after time, to make your life worse.
We are here for you. And you can this.
Make the right choice. You have 1000 options before you. For God’s sake, don’t choose the option that is guaranteed to fail.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Ontario
Posts: 11
I have only just joined SR. I am struggling with food addiction. Meraviglioso, your story is so very real and painful and yet you took a moment to send me a welcome message of kindness and understanding and acceptance. Thank you.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Garnet valley, PA
Posts: 52
Mera, so many here are with you and understand your heartbreak.
It's been said a number of times here, Mera, your dear sons LOVE you. You are most definitely hurting now, and you know drinking would make it exponentially worse. Your relationship with your sons, you MUST believe, will get better, grow stronger and be with you for the rest of your life. Just do not drink.
My relationships with people when I drank were nothing short of disastrous; nobody would have ever convinced me that anything could change that. But guess what? They did change. Because I stopped drinking. It has been truly miraculous. They are totally changed. They are solid, real, loving and most of all, forgiving. Your sons, thru all this, are learning too. From you. Stay sober.
Don't drink dear Mera. You are going to be okay, more than okay. Believe this, it is true.
It's been said a number of times here, Mera, your dear sons LOVE you. You are most definitely hurting now, and you know drinking would make it exponentially worse. Your relationship with your sons, you MUST believe, will get better, grow stronger and be with you for the rest of your life. Just do not drink.
My relationships with people when I drank were nothing short of disastrous; nobody would have ever convinced me that anything could change that. But guess what? They did change. Because I stopped drinking. It has been truly miraculous. They are totally changed. They are solid, real, loving and most of all, forgiving. Your sons, thru all this, are learning too. From you. Stay sober.
Don't drink dear Mera. You are going to be okay, more than okay. Believe this, it is true.
The Little Alcoholic Monstress That Could
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,159
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is truly heartbreaking to hear it but is also amazing that you are completely aware and have so much insight to the problem and the solution. You may not feel like a mother but you are and you’re here fighting for it every day. Your kids will look back and appreciate you and I understand at least a partially the struggles you went through and the courageousness that it took for you to battle your way back into their lives. I am myself get goosebumps when you say It can happen to you too. Because that’s what I have going for me the job the kids the fact that I take care of most of my responsibilities. But when I left my first AA meeting last night I couldn’t help but cry because all of my fineries on the outside don’t change how ****** up i am on the inside.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,962
Mera, I have much empathy for you, but we do this stuff. We don't intend to, it's just our collateral damage from our dis-ease. Now is the time to lean on your higher power like there is no tomorrow. Keep moving forward in sobriety and your children will trust you again.
If you choose to drink, it will get worse from here, don't choose that path.
You are worth sobriety and if you need to talk, private email me!
Sending you love,
~SB
If you choose to drink, it will get worse from here, don't choose that path.
You are worth sobriety and if you need to talk, private email me!
Sending you love,
~SB
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Hi Mera, I'm also a child of an alcoholic and I just want to second what everyone has said about that relationship with your child. You will have the opportunity to right all of this.
I read your threads and I so want to say to you just stop. Please stop. You don't need to be "perfect", those kiddies will love you no less if you answer the door in sweat pants and a t-shirt. They just want you to be there for them, that's all. And you are! You listen, you love them, they see your face when you see them and they know.
So just know you are perfect to them, inside and out, you are their Mom and no one and nothing will ever replace that.
Their hesitancy when they see you is fear (they feel yours). If you relax and be the Mom, that will all go away.
Please hang in there, you sound like such a nice person, they truly are lucky to have you.
I read your threads and I so want to say to you just stop. Please stop. You don't need to be "perfect", those kiddies will love you no less if you answer the door in sweat pants and a t-shirt. They just want you to be there for them, that's all. And you are! You listen, you love them, they see your face when you see them and they know.
So just know you are perfect to them, inside and out, you are their Mom and no one and nothing will ever replace that.
Their hesitancy when they see you is fear (they feel yours). If you relax and be the Mom, that will all go away.
Please hang in there, you sound like such a nice person, they truly are lucky to have you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi all, I'm ok, I survived the weekend. I just go into crisis sometimes and don't know what to do to get out of my head. But today is a fresh week, time to head to the gym, do some work. I am going to the school to pick up my boys today and they will come here with me for a while. I am looking forward to that.
I have to come to some sort of acceptance and peace with this. The more they are away from me the more I start to get crazy with worry, anxiety, panic and risk drinking..... but the more I worry, have anxiety, panic and if I drink the less chance I have of bettering things.
I'll get there, I will. I haven't given up.
I have to come to some sort of acceptance and peace with this. The more they are away from me the more I start to get crazy with worry, anxiety, panic and risk drinking..... but the more I worry, have anxiety, panic and if I drink the less chance I have of bettering things.
I'll get there, I will. I haven't given up.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,962
Do you have the book Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families? Or something like that. It's a large red book.......It's a lot of information, but it helps me immensely.
p.s. Learn to relax, children pick up on our (parent's) anxiety more than our words or actions!
p.s. Learn to relax, children pick up on our (parent's) anxiety more than our words or actions!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,036
Hi Mera,
I'm glad you are going to have the boys for a few hours today. Remember to enjoy the time with them. It doesn't have to be perfect, just spend time listening to and talking to them. They love you, and they know you love them.
❤️Delilah
I'm glad you are going to have the boys for a few hours today. Remember to enjoy the time with them. It doesn't have to be perfect, just spend time listening to and talking to them. They love you, and they know you love them.
❤️Delilah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Well today turned out to be a lovely day for unexpected reasons. I got the boys from school and when we got home we saw the stray cat we have been feeding sitting in his spot on the front porch. It's been a while that he hasn't been looking well, looks like he has some sort of skin issue and has been in some fights, but I have always just fed him and then let him live his wild life.
But he was shivering and coughing and the kids were very upset. They said "mommy we have to get him to a vet now!" I had been hesitating on taking on the responsibility of full blown pet ownership but I saw how worried they were and the poor cat looked so bad. Plus this cat has taken care of me i unexpected ways. He seems to know when I am doing bad and jumps into my lap to sit with me. One time he scaled the wall to my bedroom and climbed up onto the window to meow for me when I had been under the covers for days probably.
So off to the vet we went. The cat has AIDS!!!! So we had to do all kinds of stuff including neutering him and shots and some other stuff for the pain in his mouth and his cold.
The kids were amazing and so loving. They can't wait to come back tomorrow to care for him some more. We were all hugging and kissing one another, united in our concern for the cat.
The cat is now resting in my house. I don't have a litter box or anything but the vet said to keep him inside tonight and tomorrow night. I assume I can let him out tomorrow during the day to get some air and use the bathroom. I know he'll come back, he's come to me every day for the past 8 months or so and generally just hangs around my yard.
But he was shivering and coughing and the kids were very upset. They said "mommy we have to get him to a vet now!" I had been hesitating on taking on the responsibility of full blown pet ownership but I saw how worried they were and the poor cat looked so bad. Plus this cat has taken care of me i unexpected ways. He seems to know when I am doing bad and jumps into my lap to sit with me. One time he scaled the wall to my bedroom and climbed up onto the window to meow for me when I had been under the covers for days probably.
So off to the vet we went. The cat has AIDS!!!! So we had to do all kinds of stuff including neutering him and shots and some other stuff for the pain in his mouth and his cold.
The kids were amazing and so loving. They can't wait to come back tomorrow to care for him some more. We were all hugging and kissing one another, united in our concern for the cat.
The cat is now resting in my house. I don't have a litter box or anything but the vet said to keep him inside tonight and tomorrow night. I assume I can let him out tomorrow during the day to get some air and use the bathroom. I know he'll come back, he's come to me every day for the past 8 months or so and generally just hangs around my yard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
That's so kind, so happy that kitty found your little tribe. Meraviglioso, after posting yesterday it bothered me that my post might be misunderstood. When I said the "stop" thing, I didn't mean stop drinking or anything like that, I hope you knew/know that. I just meant you try so very hard to be "perfect" and really all they need is you, just as you are.
Hope kitty cat is well on the mend now.
Hope kitty cat is well on the mend now.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
nothing like focusing together on the welfare of another....all that extraneous stuff can fall away for a while.
so great to read you had this experience and took this decision and course of action, Mera, regardless of how it might hurt the pocketbook.
so great to read you had this experience and took this decision and course of action, Mera, regardless of how it might hurt the pocketbook.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I guess so firstymer! I hope I can handle this!
Trailmix, I appreciated everything you said
Fini, yes, it was nice to concentrate on something else for a while, that is for sure. And I really don't know about these things, but to me it didn't seem too expensive for all that was done. I paid €129 for the visit, the kitty HIV test, the neutering, 4 rounds of antibiotics, a shot for the pain in his mouth and a flea and tick treatment. He gave me the 3 extra antibiotic shots to take home but said I could pop in this Friday, next Monday and the Friday after and he'd administer it quickly free of charge. I certainly hope not to make this a regular expense, that is for sure though.
Right now he is outside somewhere. I hope that was a good idea to let him out. I figured he needed to urinate... defecate... I don't have a litter box. I also figure he has been an outside cat all his life maybe he wants some fresh air and time to himself. I don't know how these things work. I'm not dense, I just have never had a cat before!
Trailmix, I appreciated everything you said
Fini, yes, it was nice to concentrate on something else for a while, that is for sure. And I really don't know about these things, but to me it didn't seem too expensive for all that was done. I paid €129 for the visit, the kitty HIV test, the neutering, 4 rounds of antibiotics, a shot for the pain in his mouth and a flea and tick treatment. He gave me the 3 extra antibiotic shots to take home but said I could pop in this Friday, next Monday and the Friday after and he'd administer it quickly free of charge. I certainly hope not to make this a regular expense, that is for sure though.
Right now he is outside somewhere. I hope that was a good idea to let him out. I figured he needed to urinate... defecate... I don't have a litter box. I also figure he has been an outside cat all his life maybe he wants some fresh air and time to himself. I don't know how these things work. I'm not dense, I just have never had a cat before!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Just a bit of an update, I am plugging along, sober, but boy it is hard.
I see my kids when I can, it is always joyful and loving, they want to hug me and sit on me and kiss me and rub my head. I try to maintain every bit of regularity I can, being my normal loving self, but not spoiling them because I feel guilty, so I am still quite strict and get after them to pick up their messes, say please and thank you, do their homework, etc.
I have no less than 5 different meetings each week between my psychologist, psychiatrist the outpatient drug center, my son's psychologist, the school.... This is in addition to online AA meetings I attend, catching up with my sponsor, daily messages/calls with my mom, my dad, my best friend, other who are concerned..... It is emotionally exhausting.
Today I had two intense but good meetings. The first was with the head doctor at the outpatient rehab place where I go twice a week for urine tests. We reviewed my tests, for three solid months I have not failed one test, in addition my blood work came back absolutely perfect, not a single thing outside normal parameters, 5 pages worth of tests checking absolutely everything in my blood. Most importantly my liver, kidney and pancreatic functions were all perfect, particularly the CDT reading which detects alcohol use. She said I had the blood work of a non-drinker. I am particularly happy for the CDT reading because there is nothing you can do to falsify that. For example, eating well, liver healthy foods, exercise, water can affect the basic liver readings, but NOTHING can change the CDT except alcohol and mine proved fully I am a non drinker.
All that said she got after me quite a bit for my relapse at Christmas. I was crying and sobbing and trying to explain it was just a glass of wine. She said "no excuses" She said there are alcoholics who drink morning to night and there are others who drink like me, relapsing like this. The crucial thing is that when I drink, even "one small glass" bad things happen like having my kids taken away and yet I still choose to drink- THIS IS A PROBLEM. It is not the quantity. After a while of her being very harsh and me crying a lot she softened up and said we have to come up with new solutions for me to handle these moments. We decided to have a meeting with all my doctors, herself and the woman from social services. We are waiting to schedule a date, but it should be soon.
I then went immediately to my sons' school to meet with my older son's teachers and the principal. Thy had already had a meeting with the children's father. We spoke openly and honestly about my problem, the management of the kids, etc. I was particularly touched when my son's teacher, who is a rather harsh, almost military style man, took my hands and confessed his own alcoholism and that he has been sober now for 19 months. He said he knows how hard it is but he made me promise I would not drink again. He asked me to send him a text message every evening at 9pm to say if I had gotten through the day ok. He told me that he and the other teacher love my son very much and only want what is best and they know he needs his mom. The other teacher, a female, is very much the opposite, she is a warm, loving, motherly presence. She regularly takes the kids into her lap and kisses and hugs them and talks them through difficult emotions. They make a great pair in the classroom. I am so fortunate my son has these excellent, caring teachers.
Tomorrow psychologist. Thursday psychiatrist, Friday back to the rehab place for my urine test.
Next week I go for my medical tests for my license. I have the ETG hair test and the CDT blood test. The blood test should be fine as I have not drank since the last time I had it on the 15th, and it was definitively below any level of drinking. The hair test is a bit more scary, they will go back six months checking for alcohol and cocaine. Cocaine... so annoying I have to pay for that when that is not a drug I do, but whatever, that will be 0.0 for sure. The alcohol, I can only hope that the few instances I have drank in the past six months will average out into a reading of not much. The commission allows for a reading of "normal drinking" which for women is an average of one glass of wine at lunch and one at dinner.
We shall see. I keep doing the work, that is for sure.
I see my kids when I can, it is always joyful and loving, they want to hug me and sit on me and kiss me and rub my head. I try to maintain every bit of regularity I can, being my normal loving self, but not spoiling them because I feel guilty, so I am still quite strict and get after them to pick up their messes, say please and thank you, do their homework, etc.
I have no less than 5 different meetings each week between my psychologist, psychiatrist the outpatient drug center, my son's psychologist, the school.... This is in addition to online AA meetings I attend, catching up with my sponsor, daily messages/calls with my mom, my dad, my best friend, other who are concerned..... It is emotionally exhausting.
Today I had two intense but good meetings. The first was with the head doctor at the outpatient rehab place where I go twice a week for urine tests. We reviewed my tests, for three solid months I have not failed one test, in addition my blood work came back absolutely perfect, not a single thing outside normal parameters, 5 pages worth of tests checking absolutely everything in my blood. Most importantly my liver, kidney and pancreatic functions were all perfect, particularly the CDT reading which detects alcohol use. She said I had the blood work of a non-drinker. I am particularly happy for the CDT reading because there is nothing you can do to falsify that. For example, eating well, liver healthy foods, exercise, water can affect the basic liver readings, but NOTHING can change the CDT except alcohol and mine proved fully I am a non drinker.
All that said she got after me quite a bit for my relapse at Christmas. I was crying and sobbing and trying to explain it was just a glass of wine. She said "no excuses" She said there are alcoholics who drink morning to night and there are others who drink like me, relapsing like this. The crucial thing is that when I drink, even "one small glass" bad things happen like having my kids taken away and yet I still choose to drink- THIS IS A PROBLEM. It is not the quantity. After a while of her being very harsh and me crying a lot she softened up and said we have to come up with new solutions for me to handle these moments. We decided to have a meeting with all my doctors, herself and the woman from social services. We are waiting to schedule a date, but it should be soon.
I then went immediately to my sons' school to meet with my older son's teachers and the principal. Thy had already had a meeting with the children's father. We spoke openly and honestly about my problem, the management of the kids, etc. I was particularly touched when my son's teacher, who is a rather harsh, almost military style man, took my hands and confessed his own alcoholism and that he has been sober now for 19 months. He said he knows how hard it is but he made me promise I would not drink again. He asked me to send him a text message every evening at 9pm to say if I had gotten through the day ok. He told me that he and the other teacher love my son very much and only want what is best and they know he needs his mom. The other teacher, a female, is very much the opposite, she is a warm, loving, motherly presence. She regularly takes the kids into her lap and kisses and hugs them and talks them through difficult emotions. They make a great pair in the classroom. I am so fortunate my son has these excellent, caring teachers.
Tomorrow psychologist. Thursday psychiatrist, Friday back to the rehab place for my urine test.
Next week I go for my medical tests for my license. I have the ETG hair test and the CDT blood test. The blood test should be fine as I have not drank since the last time I had it on the 15th, and it was definitively below any level of drinking. The hair test is a bit more scary, they will go back six months checking for alcohol and cocaine. Cocaine... so annoying I have to pay for that when that is not a drug I do, but whatever, that will be 0.0 for sure. The alcohol, I can only hope that the few instances I have drank in the past six months will average out into a reading of not much. The commission allows for a reading of "normal drinking" which for women is an average of one glass of wine at lunch and one at dinner.
We shall see. I keep doing the work, that is for sure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I am surrounded by support and am so thankful for that. This song knocks me out every time, it ts so true to my situation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-C_rvt0SwLE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-C_rvt0SwLE
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Thanks for the update! It sounds like you have a ton of support, which is great (and that you're currently not working, and can focus on your recovery). I think you've gotten some great advice about the relapses - are you around 30 days sober now?
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