Meraviglioso

Thank you so much for all of the responses, I need them so much.
I am alone now, as always. I am always alone in my perfect, clean house. I clean and I clean, the floors are pristine, the windows without a mark, the silver polished. Everything is perfect. I opened the windows to air out the house and changed the sheets of my bed. I changed the sheets on my boys beds even though they haven't been here to sleep. In any case, it is all perfect and waiting for them. I have three whole fish in the freezer, ready to be pulled out to make for dinner when they come. I will go to get fresh vegetables and bake potatoes that they love. it is all ready. Each nigh I sleep in the bed with their special animals that they love. My younger son Edoardo has a funny bunny, Ludovico has a fluffy dog. They asked me to sleep with them so they wouldn't be lonely. They obviously have no idea if I am doing this but I do it because they asked me.

I just talked to them, they sounded fine, but distant. I don't think they care any more. I'mnot sure if I care any more. I've been suicidal in these past months but the desire to be a mother to them has kept me alive. I won't do it, I won't but to be honest I'm not sure if they would care at all. This is what drinking does. More than anything in the world I want to be a mother. I have absolutely no purpose, no reason for being here in Italy. But I can't leave because of them and I won't leave because of them and I won't die because of them. It's a miserable place to be.

Anna

Mera, I have been thinking about you since your wrote the original post. I am so sorry that you're going through this. As a Mom, I truly feel your pain and loss and I am so sad for you. You are a good person and you can work through this.

Be kind to yourself, this is so important. You cannot be a perfect Mom. There is no such thing. I understand your need to do that. I felt the same. But, it's fruitless. You can be a good Mom and allow yourself to be less than perfect when you are preparing for Christmas, for example. You don't have to be perfect to be a good Mom.

As for accepting your neighbor's offer of wine...why? Try this. Stand in front of the mirror, smile, square your shoulders, and say 'No, thanks'. No other explanation is necessary. You can do hard things and you can say 'No' and not feel guilty. I was where you are at one time, and now, there is nothing on earth that would make me do something I don't want to do.

Fearlessat50

Hi Mera, I am just catching up on this. I cried a little when I read your posts. We both know that we have a couple things in common in that we are both parents of a special needs child and are in recovery. I am with you there. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through now though, and my heart breaks for you.

I feel that I have just been lucky to avoid a DUI, to avoid my husband leaving me, a custody battle and more. I also believe that because of my son’s young age when I stopped drinking and because he was so totally out of control with rage tantrums for extended periods of time and obsessions, and my husbands stepping in when I couldn’t, he was not aware or doesn’t remember what was going on with me and my drinking.

I don’t have much advice other than to say you are not alone and are surrounded with support here, know this too shall pass, and just do whatever you can to stay away from that first drink. Do not be caught off guard. I know it is so hard but you can do it! Things will get better as others have pointed out, but for improvement to last, you need to stay sober for good. Someone here with an anniversary recently (MDL?) quoted Don’t look back, it’s not the direction you are going. I also remember: When things go wrong, don’t go with them.

Please feel free to pm me anytime. We can do hard things! Xo

Marsalie

Mera, I don't have any words of comfort or wisdom, being very new to this myself, but I just wanted you to know I read through this and it absolutely broke my heart. I have two sons who are grown now, and I can't imagine how hard all of this has been for you. Thank you for sharing your story.

secret81

Hang in there Mera, It is difficult when children are involved, but you can do this!

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

Checking in to see how you're doing tonight.

Thinking about you my friend.

❤️Delilah

PalmerSage

Thinking of you too, Mera - how are you?

Meraviglioso

Hi friends, I'm up early and headed to the gym, that always makes me feel better. No more gloom and doom, I had a down day but it is time to keep going in the right direction. Thank you again.

Meraviglioso

It was SO STUPID. So STUPID. I was there, I was having this moment of deep (but unspoken) connection with her, another foreign woman far from home at the holidays. I could see and feel the pride she took in the food she was cooking. They are very poor, I know they can't often afford meat and such but she had gone all out. Her teenage daughter was there at the table smiling so proudly. I just had this moment where 1. I didn't want to appear snobby and refuse the weird food or wine, 2. I appreciated that she wanted to give something to me even though she had little to give, 3. I did't want to sour this moment of connection.
But that is all so stupid. I had tasted the food and accepted the plate to take home. I could have said any number of things to politely refuse the wine. I could have and I didn't.

I remember something similar happened when i was invited to the baptism of the baby of one of the refugee families I help. We were all sitting in their tiny house after the (crazy amazing) ceremony. They had cooked all this Nigerian food and had these weird malt beer drinks. The food was spectacular, I ate every bite even though the day before I had visited and saw them hammering out pieces of chicken on the filthy kitchen floor..... I figured it was cooked and I'd live and it tasted great with all their spices they add. At the party I took a close look at the bottle they had handed me as I was unsure what it was. I saw that it listed alcohol as an ingredient. But they also had a bottle of milk and a bottle of coca-cola there. So I just handed the bottle off to someone else and got a cup of coca-cola. I was deeply moved by their generosity to offer food and beverages to everyone, but really felt I had an out because I accepted something else they were offering.

By the way if you have never seen a Nigerian go after a chicken with a hammer on the kitchen floor- and expertly butcher it- you haven't yet lived!!!

Anna

I'm glad to hear you're doing better today, Mera.

Paperbag

Mera....Your posts make me want to cry. I can't think of anything worse. The Christmas post really got me. I'm a father of three, and my wife is still with me even though she has hated my drinking since we met 20 years ago. I couldn't even begin to imagine the torture that you're going through. If my kids were away from me, I'd be ruined.
I can't believe how strong you are through all this.
You've certainly made me realise that I have it pretty easy in comparison.

Delilah1

Hi Mera,

I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I hope you have a great weekend. Do you have any plans?

Meraviglioso

Hi Delilah, No, no real plans for the weekend. I need to do some laundry.... I need to go to the pharmacy. I have invited my boys for lunch today and to do some homework together, am still waiting for their father to respond. I also would like to spend some time on the TEFL course I am doing. I have been teaching English as a second language for years. I recently came across an amazing opportunity. There are many online school based in China that seek mother-tongue teachers. A recent law was passed in China that requires these teachers to have TEFL certification in addition to experience. So I am doing that to get ready to apply. It works out very well for me here in Italy as China is six hours ahead of us (as opposed to 12-15 in the US). So when the kids in China are home from school it is mid morning for me. I could work during the day when the kids are in school and then be done by the time they get out. In addition I wouldn't have to drive- or rather bike- anywhere to get to work. Hours here in Italy are long, most jobs are 9am-7pm. Plus the pay is low here. So even though the pay for this online job isn't great I still think I could make at least what I would make in an office here, if not more.. while working less demanding hours.

Meraviglioso

Just thinking some more here. I am in a moment of absolute chaos in my brain. All I have ever wanted to be in a good mother. There are just not words to describe how much I love my sons, though any parent will surely understand.
I think I have mentioned this here before, so pardon me if I am repeating myself. But I recall my former co-worker. She told me this story. When she was six weeks old her mother just up and left, she couldn't deal due to depression and other issues. She was raised, wonderfully, by her father. When she was 16 her mother made contact and indicated she wanted to have a relationship with her. Although she continued to live full time with her father she was open to this and now today, at age 35, they have a wonderful relationship. Her mother is present in her life, sends letter and cards, calls regularly, comes to visit (my co-worker lives here in Italy and the mom and England). This gives me hope that I can salvage my relationship with my boys. I hope and pray that with continued sobriety we can get there. It is soul crushing to think otherwise.

Meraviglioso

Sticking close to home (SR) today....
More thoughts....
I often feel that I have the most miserable life but it is simply not true. I am surrounded by care and help. From the incredible socialised medicine that we have here in Italy to the various people in my village that know and love me. Every time I enter into the pizzeria, when I simply cannot handle making dinner, everyone shouts out "oh ciao Mera!" they are so warm and welcoming. My local butcher always thrown in a few extra bones so that I can make broth. My fruit and vegetable guy always puts in some carrots, celery and herbs for that same broth. My neighbours across the street, who have seen the ambulance arrive one too many times, came over the night after Christmas when the military police arrived due to a suicide threat, etc, etc, they check on me nearly daily, nearly always coming over with a plate of warm, home made food. Really delicious things, yesterday it was a red bell pepper stuffed with meat and herbs, today it was an amazing minestrone with a loaf of fresh bread from the bakery, still warm. My poor neighbour, the foreigner I mentioned, is the woman who came to do my cleaning and ironing when I was working. When I lost my job I had to stop that service but still call on her time to time for help as I need the help and also want to give her some money. She recently came over without me asking, pushed me to let her in and began cleaning and ironing. The whole time she talked to me about my problems. She said it had always been her dream to become a psychologist but she got married and had a family young and in her culture it is custom for the wife and mom to stay at home. But she regularly goes to the library to read psychology texts and studies on her on. Her speaking to me, while ironing, while I lay in my bed depressed, was of such comfort. I couldn't even begin to believe that someone would be so kind. When she left she refused, flat out refused money. I begged her to take it but she just let it drop to the floor.
People care about me and care for me and do nice things for me. I must remember this and make them proud.

Meraviglioso

Please someone pay attention to me, I am afraid I will drink.

SparkleKitty

Hi Mera. I'm from the Friends & Family side, but I saw your last post and wanted you to know people are paying attention.

My mother passed away a few days ago. She was an alcoholic who hadn't drank in several years but never found the courage to embrace real recovery. I want you to know, as an adult child of an addicted parent myself, that I am rooting for you, I believe you, and there will always be room for forgiveness and the restoration of your relationship with your children.

FlawedNFntastic

I'm a mom who drank away the first seven years of my kid's life. The only reason I didn't end up losing him and losing everything and having to rebuild from virtually nothing is that my ex-husband is an alcoholic too. He essentially had the choice between alcohol and his family. He chose alcohol.

My kid asked me - at five - to quit drinking. It took me two years to make a solid attempt and then I had an awful, awful relapse that took another year away from him. Then the kid said, "You know, it would be really nice if I had ONE parent while I'm growing up." So I'm doing the work and walking the path and being his mom through all the good times and the seriously devastating times.

The thing is, even though you feel like you are rebuilding from nothing, it's not nothing. You have two wonderful, miraculous boys. You are intelligent, articulate, compassionate, creative, and those kids need you. Time is unfortunately required. Keep doing the work and walking the path and be there for your kids when you can and the lovely (and unlovely) people in your life. Your kids notice. They see YOU when they see and talk to you. I have every bit of faith that your relationship with your boys will become better than you ever imagined.

On a lesser note, the English as a second language thing sounds like a brilliant idea. It will also get you to be less isolated and to help other people.

We hear you and we believe in you.

lessgravity

Mera - do not drink. Like many of us here, I both relate and empathize with your pain. You must endure some suffering now if you're to right your ship. It's worth it, you have that drive in you. Listen to the part of you that wants sobriety, nurture that side of you.

Anna

Mera, I absolutely think you should continue to have faith that your relationship with your children will improve. It may take some time and patience, but I know that you can do it.

You have always talked about the warmth in your community in Italy and the many ways that people reach out to help you. You are so fortunate that way.

I hope that you get through today without drinking.