Meraviglioso

I haven’t made a post of my own in a while, I’ve just sort of been swimming along making it through. Some of you may recall I got a DUI in June of last year. In mid-February I will sit before the medical commission to see if I can get my license back in 9 months per the judicial recommendations. I will meet with a doctor, a psychiatrist and a psychologist to asses my fitness. At this meeting I will have to present my medical tests that are required: an ETG hair test which will divulge my alcohol consumption over the previous six months, a full blood work up which includes CDT showing alcohol consumption as well as a blood test (or hair?) for cocaine. I have never done cocaine, but apparently the flagged me as a potential user so I have to get (and pay for) that test. I’ve had some relapses over the past nine months but I feel fairly confident I will pass as the cut-off limits allow for “normal use” of one unit per day.
I have actually discovered that I love riding my bike. Particularly my cargo bike with which I can do just about anything including massive shops at the grocery store, getting my kids around, etc. That said, I want my license back for my kids, I know they will be heartbroken if it doesn’t happen.

I have found, much as our fine friend lessgravity found, that all trust is gone. And I deserve it. I am involved in a very intense custody battle right now as my children’s father does not trust me to be a competent parent. I can’t blame him, I’d feel the same way if the shoe were on the other foot. But what breaks my heart the most is the damage I have done in my relationship with my children. Flat out, they don’t trust me. And they are so young, they shouldn’t have to worry about such things. I have lost the right to not be perfect, upbeat, well dressed and full make up and hair. Each time they come to my house the approach nervously and I can see in their faces the few seconds of evaluation before they come running towards me for a hug. If I have not put on make-up or am not dressed nicely they take longer and look at me suspiciously, recognising the unkept look of having drank. I cannot be quiet or down in mood or they start to get nervous. I suppose all of this is good, but it is a huge weight on me to perform above and beyond just staying sober. But I must do it.

Yesterday I called my children’s father to ask about the program for the afternoon after school. He informed me that my older son said he did not want to come, he preferred to see me every other day. I was heartbroken but had to, of course, respect his wishes. Today, at 15:00, I received a call from my children’s father informing me that the kids were sick and would not be coming to visit also today. In this conversation I found out that the kids had spent the night with their grandparents, the next town over, last night. In addition my youngest son did not go to school today because he was ill, he had been throwing up the entire night. My older son went to school but was later picked up by his grandfather to go home early because he also felt sick. I was completely out of the look on all of this and when I found out my youngest had been awake vomiting the whole night my heart broke. He rarely gets sick, has almost never vomited and has aspergers syndrome so is very sensitive to things like this (any child would be.. but him moreso) I hated I couldn’t be there and hated that I did not call earlier (I had assumed he was at school). I just feel like I am no longer a mother even, just someone the kids visit from time to time. It is heartbreaking.

I just want my normal life back but I know that only extended sobriety will give me that. I am well cared for at the moment with an AA sponsor, a great psychiatrist, a psychologist an outpatient rehab type place where I go for ETG urine tests twice a week, a lawyer. But I’m worried and sad often. The only thing that will get me out is sobriety- none of the other doctors or care or anything matter, only sobriety.

Please parents reading, if you are still drinking find a way to stop. I wasn’t always like this. I had a magical life. I drank to excess but was on top of my work and family duties. When it started slipping it slipped amazingly fast and here we are. I never thought I would be here but here I am. It can happen to you too.

Preciousguppy

This is a very brave and yes, heartbreaking post Mera. I relate to so much of it.

You are doing everything right. We all know that the only way to make things better is to never, ever drink again. Believe that your dear sons, given time, WILL trust you again, Mera. Young people forgive and forget more easily than adults, especially their Moms because children love them so much. Seeing you sober, consistently, is the only thing that can rebuild their trust.

I will pray for a good outcome about your license, and for you and your family.

Be123

Jeni26

Great post.

My biggest regret was not being ‘present’ in my kids lives. I was either dissociated or depressed or drunk or hungover I missed such a lot. And so did they.

I have a great relationship with them now I am sober but they are adults.

Childhoods pass so quickly and we can never make up for those important years.

Anna

Mera, I'm sorry for the pain that this situation is causing you. It's the worst when our family members don't trust us. And, that means we need patience, as you are showing that you have. The only thing you can do is to keep doing what you're doing. Keep moving forward and have faith that that things will improve with your relationship with your children.

SoberCAH

It sounds like you're doing the right things, Mera, which is what really matters most.

I wanted to go from being drunk for 13 years to living a rewarding, respected and gratifying life when I got out of treatment, but it has taken a little longer to regain the trust of people I had let down.

But it has been a journey I wouldn't trade for anything.

Purpleman

Yes, I completely resonate with this. And whilst my relationship with my kids is better, the reality is that my years of drinking has caused permanent damage.
As I say to my kids, though, I can't change what's already happened, but I can be a better parent today & into the future

Delilah1

Mera,

This was such a brace post. I'm so sorry for all that's going on with custody right now. You are doing all the right things to have a positive relationship with them in the future. I am sending lots of love and hugs my friend.

lessgravity

Damn Mera, that post got me in the gut. Feel very deeply for you. And I can relate of course. The truth is there but for the grace of God go I - although I'm not dealing with the custody problems you're facing, I very easily could be.

But I do know what it's like to also lose the trust of one's young kid. Its a heart ache and pain that little can compare to. It is something I've dealt with first hand. It's hard for me to even think back on. And even though some of the worst is over, I'm not naive to think there will be residual scars, maybe permanently. But, as you know, these things can change and improve. You can grow to be the example of a human, flawed, but trying to be better and all that.

Dee74

Mera

D

D122y

Mera,

Thanks for another reminder that i am an addict for life.

All i worked for these last narealy 4 years can end with 1 sip of booze.

I would be back here telling a horror story and getting reminded that I need to come up with a better plan.

If i would have been pulled over the day I was having my driving episodes, I would be in a similar situation as you.

Oh but by the grace of God I go.

Amen.

Thanks for the reminder.

Love,

Meraviglioso

Thanks all for the supportive words. I sure need them.
I met with my psychologist today, we looked at my pattern of being "super mom" when sober and then when I feel distance from them, crashing and burning. Right now, having them just the next town over (a 20 minute drive) is sending me into panic, but now is absolutely not the time to fail.
I was doing really well, we were in a nice routine, I was caring for them in absolutely the most perfect way- loving and tender but also a strong mother expecting correct behaviour. I had gone ALL OUT for Christmas. It's been a tough year for all of us, I wanted to do something special. Here in Italy it is custom to give each child one gift. I decided this year to go more American style and had bought about 6 or 7 gifts for each of them. Some fun like a puzzle, a game for the Nintendo and a board game. Others useful like an alarm clock with calming lights and sounds, a heated mattess pad (my older son's room is very cold) and a new winter jacket. I even did stockings which here are usually given on the 7th of January.

Two days before Christmas we all put on santa themed aprons and made dozens and dozens of Christmas cookies, three different kinds. We also made bags with sandwiches, juice, a chocolate bar, fruit, lotion, a scarf and a hat. We then got in our cargo bike and delivered cookies and donations to the local ambulance, police (yes, the police that stopped me) and the fire department. We then cruised around looking for homeless people and handed out the bags. The fire department was most impressed and gave us a FULL tour of everything! They showed us how the jaws of life work, cutting through a lead pipe, let the kids spray the hoses, took us for a ride in a truck with sirens and lights, lifted the huge ladder for us to see. It was great fun. I felt like a good mom showing them such a good time and showing them how to be good to other people.

That evening I went to take extra cookies to our neighbours who have been so good to me. The first house offered me wine and I said no, I had to run to get back to the kids (just across the street). The second house was the home of another foreign woman, although a nationality that is treated much more disrespectfully than Americans. She was cooking her traditional food to prepare for the holiday and insisted I try. It looked repulsive, like random organ meet stuffed inside a whole stomach, all grey and nasty looking there on the table. I didn't want to be rude and I felt like it was so kind and generous of her, who has so little to give (they are a very poor family), so I accepted a small plate. She then said "oh wait! You have to try this special cherry wine that my family made, they sent it over just yesterday!" I said no. No, no, no. But she kept insisting. And I caved. What is one taste, right? She then sent me home with another plate of food and some of the cherry wine poured into a random bottle. I fed the food to the stray cat and drank the wine. The kids new. And went into crisis. They asked to call their father immediately which of course I allowed.

Christmas was ruined. I had bought us all matching Christmas pyjamas to wear on the 24th. I had also bought us all Christmas themed mugs and chocolate spoons to make hot chocolate with on the evening of the 24th. I had decided to go with the Italian tradition of serving fish on the 24th and had bought and planned for a huge multi-course meal for me and the boys, a table set with the finest linens I own, candles and flowers. But it was not to be. Because I drank.

The kids did come by on the 25th. Their father, while protective of them, is not so into the day to day stuff and didn't have a tree or gifts. So they came, opened their gifts and left. It was not quite the morning I had been anticipating, the boys running into my room to snuggle and report that yes! Santa had come! and then begging me to get up so we could go open gifts. The bacon and eggs I had bought are still sitting in the fridge, I never made the pancakes either. No, they just rang the gate bell, already dressed, came in and got to work unwrapping while their father spent the time texting on his phone making plans for later in the day. I asked them if they were hungry but they had already had cereal. Then they just left. They left for over a week on a ski trip and I was alone to deal with the emotional consequences of how I had completely ruined Christmas.

Delilah1

Mera,

I'm so sorry, as a mom, I know how much work goes into all that preparation for the holidays, and we absolutely push ourselves to the brink of insanity.

It seems like you're struggling with drinking every now and then again. Did your psychologist have any suggestions to help you with this?

When do you need to go back to court for custody? When is your test for your license? I know those are both stressful events, so maybe having a plan in place to deal with that stress would be helpful.

You're a good mom Mera, I know you will get back on track with sobriety, and do what you need to for you and your boys. Don't forget we are always here for you as well.

Sending lots of love and hugs your way.

❤️Delilah

Preciousguppy

Certainly, no pun intended Mera, but how utterly sobering this post is, proving beyond a doubt that this disease is absolutely, cunning, baffling and treacherous. We alcoholics must be forever vigilant.

Nobody's feelings, including poor neighbors, is ever worth drinking over, but you know this. No is always, always, no exceptions, the answer when offered, but you know this too. If we seem to be rude about it, so be it. We are too fragile to ever consider otherwise. No one who knows me ever offers me anything anymore because they know the answer will always be no. Anyone who doesn't know me and offers me alcohol will get the same reply and if they insist, I tell them, please stop offering I said no. And when it comes down to it, their feelings at that point don't matter. I have not been rude, they have. And they don't matter. If I drink, I will die. That's what matters. Not a strangers feelings.

I'm sorry Christmas was ruined. Be grateful the police weren't involved. You must just keep sober. Nothing else helps unless we're sober. Time and sobriety.

You and your family are in my prayers, Mera.

Meraviglioso

Jesus Delilah, thank you for responding, I was waiting for a response I feel so sick with guilt.

For the custody issue we are right on the edge. My ex has clearly said that he knows the children need a mother and that I am capable of giving them and education that he cannot. He needs me and he knows this, but he wants to protect the children, rightfully so. I have a lawyer who is "gentle" She helps me out when needed but isn't pushing a particular agenda. If things get too crazy in terms of when and how the children are with me she intervenes, but not otherwise. She is also helping me with things like child support (which I have never, ever received) and renewing the children's American passports, which so far he has refused to do despite my right to take the kids into America to visit family, etc.

For the license I am ok. I do think I will be ok for the tests. They allow for a baseline of drinking of 1 unit per day but the test can only take an average. So for example I could drink 100 drinks in one day but when the test is taken it will average out of 1 drink over 100 days. So considering I have only had a few, very minimal relapses combined with extended period of sobriety, I think I will pass. That said, I don't even really care. I am fine on my bike, I like how good it is for the environment, the exercise, etc. But, to pass to pass will be good new, so I do hope I do. But stressed about it? No.

I am only stressed about my children. There are no works for how much I love them. I would lay down my life for them in an instant. I only want what is best for them. My heart is broken into a million pieces over what I have done to them.

Meraviglioso

Alright, I need to shower now. My kids aren't coming today but I still feel the need to be in top shape.

If anyone has something to say, nice or otherwise, I'd like to hear it. I am feeling needy and wanting support and care, please.

Delilah1

Mera,

Try to let go of that guilt, I know that's so much easier said then done. Move forward starting with today.

I know your boys mean everything to you, and I know you love them more than anything in this world. Spend the time they are with their dad working on your physical and mental health. It will make you a better mom when you are with them.

I'm glad you have a good lawyer, and I really hope she can get them their passports, I think being able to take them to visit your family is important for you and for them.

What are your plans for today?

Preciousguppy

Mera, I don't know you, but your story resonates so much with me. And it helps me. I can see what a good mom you are. And I have no doubt your precious sons know you are a good, lovable, fun Mom.

Thing will get better, Mera. You know what you need to do.

lessgravity

Hey Mera, man I got upset reading about your decision to drink on Xmas eve. We have been active together in the last year and I've followed your threads with interest and hope. It's so clear you are a empathetic, caring and sensitive person. I can see and share with you how much love you have for your kids - and how much pain you cause yourself by betraying that love with alcohol.

I wish I words of wisdom for you. But I don't know what to say about that decision to drink that night, after everything, knowing your children would know. I can say that there's an element of self-sabatoge in all of us that can aid in turning us back to the poison. I've been confronting that side of my in therapy and working through it on my own. Perhaps you be to drill down on what it is inside you that is convinced you don't deserve to be ok, what it is in you that's not just addicted to the poison but what is addicted to setting yourself up for the tragic, pain ridden, life of regret and disappointment. I know that confronting that beast has been essential to my sobriety and I can see myself in many of your posts.

Sending you strength and some peace. There will be so much more peace when you put it away for good.

PalmerSage

As a mom, I 100% understand your approach to this problem, because it's one I've taken many times, when I was drinking and when I first became sober. "Not only am I going to stop drinking, I'm going to be perfect!" Eat better, dress better, parent better, live better, make sure everything I say and do is above reproach. But - and I say this as someone who has not faced this issue, thank God - that type of thinking is just not sustainable. As you see, it will not keep you sober, it will only wind you so tight that you are vulnerable to frantically hitting the escape hatch of alcohol when you can least afford to.

When I got sober this last time (13 months ago), I told myself that I would show myself kindness and not put too much pressure on myself. I slept a ton, ate too many sweets, read and watched TV when I should have been cleaning, prepared simple dinners. Of course, I had work, the kids, etc. and some really crazy life events that dropped into the mix too. But I did make sure that my sobriety came first, and for 6 months I accomplished little else. I thought about why I drank, I avoided alcohol like it might attack me, I said no to things people wanted me to do - and again, I know you're not in the same situation and you have reasons for what you're doing. But consider that all the pressure you're putting on yourself might be your undoing, and also, by being so eager and apologetic, you're reinforcing your husband's narrative instead of being present and authentic with your kids. Not unfiltered, but kids don't need a whole production, they need a healthy, happy mom who loves them, and it's a lot easier to play a long game than to whip yourself into a frenzy that only ends up hurting your cause - and I say all this with complete empathy and understanding, so hopefully it came across that way.