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Old 11-19-2018, 05:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Talking myself out of drinking....once again


I have been sober almost 2 years. It seems like I should be so much stronger than this. Sometimes I am. Sometimes Iím not, like right now.

Parenting is so hard, especially with an aspie. I have this amazing kid who makes me feel so proud at times. Yet at other times I am so deeply disappointed in him. I consider myself fairly intelligent, articulate, calm and understanding. Especially when Iím sober. But sometimes it is just impossible to get through to him, to influence him and get him to understand his own actions.

I have to remind myself it all goes back to control. There are simply things in life I canít control. I canít control this kid. All I can do is my best with what I know and the resources I have, and to seek help when I need it. Still, Iím always questioning myself. Is there more I should be doing that I donít know I should be doing?

This is compounded by still heavy smoke in the air from fires which is causing a cumulative effect in the way of lack of sleep, asthma (that I donít normally have) and other stuff.

Then I feel guilty for even mentioning the air quality and my lack of sleep when others have lost everything. People are sleeping in their cars. Families with lots of kids, some with special needs like my kid, but they have no where to go. Just the clothes on their back. I have my home, my family, a warm bed. I feel like a big whiny baby now.

Thanks for listening. I know this is not a support group for parenting special needs. But this is a big part of my stress that tipped off my drinking problem a few years ago. It is helpful just to vent. If I didnít have his forum, I probably would have relapsed by now.

So I once again have talked myself out of a drink. I will be grateful for my circumstances. Because it could be so much worse. And this too shall pass. And I always have control over my sobriety.
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Old 11-19-2018, 05:45 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Feel free to get things off your chest. I'm here to listen.
I'm so glad you talked yourself out of drinking.
Best to you and your son.
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Old 11-19-2018, 05:56 PM   #3 (permalink)
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You've got a lot on your plate. I'm glad you can come here and vent instead of drinking.
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Old 11-19-2018, 06:07 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Parenting my now 20 something son has been at times the most wrenching thing Iíve ever done. Good on you for not adding to the stress of it by drinking over it. So hereís me sending a big olí helping of support and encouragement!
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Old 11-19-2018, 06:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Fearless, just hang in there. This day will end and another day will start tomorrow. Venting is a very good way to ease the pain you are in.
Being the parent of a kiddo with Asperger's is really, really, hard. I have worked for many years with parents of special needs children and have seen firsthand how difficult that job can be. It is kind of like living on a roller coaster. You can be moving along at a good pace and then, wham!, a big curve ball throws you all off kilter and you are plunging down and are not sure what is going to happen next.

Make sure to find time to be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. You are important, you are needed, and you are doing your best. Sober.
You are in my thoughts.
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Old 11-19-2018, 06:20 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Aww, big hug.
So smart to post.
You're really inspiring right now...a whole lot.
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Old 11-19-2018, 06:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Being a parent is the hardest job ever. I'm glad you posted and that you're getting through this.
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Old 11-19-2018, 09:05 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thank you, all,for your encouraging words. I do feel better talking things out here. Even though we all have our own unique challenges, whether parenting or other things, the thing we all have in common is our desire to remain sober and live our best life and be our best version of ourselves. It is good to know that I am not alone.
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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom - Viktor E. Frankl

If you have no other religion, make it gratitude.
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Old 11-20-2018, 02:01 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I'm glad you posted too - I think the things we face as sober people, no matter what they are, should be spoken about here.

I got to a point where I accepted that drinking the way I did could only make a bad situation worse.

From that point of acceptance on, lifes still been hard at moments but I've never seriously considered a drink again and never acted on whatever fleeting thoughts I had in the first few years.

I'm looking in from the outside but being a parent is tough I reckon, and being the parent of a child who has different needs must be even more challenging.

I'm glad that you can find support here, and I hope elsewhere too, to help fearlessat50

D
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:14 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Good for you for getting it out- and especially for not drinking. You are not alone.
My youngest son has very mild aspergers, it sounds as if it is much more mild than your son's condition, but there have been times that I just thought I would collapse under the weight of the stress. We have made great progress with the help of a specialist that he saw once a week for three years. I recall the early days though, it was tough. I was still drinking during that time and it definitely made everything so much worse. I remember giving him baths and it was a nightmare. I was living in an apartment at the time and I was certain that my neighbours would call the police thinking I was abusing him or something. He would get hysterical, absolutely unconsolable nuts. I would pour a glass of wine to relax afterwards, and then another, and then the bottle..... Then he would wake in the night and I would make a bottle, not so attentive and sometimes would heat the milk too much... or too little.... because he had to have a perfect temperature..... and then all hell would break loose in the middle of the night because I had f'd it up again because I was drunk, and then I couldn't deal with the meltdown because I was half out of it.....
You know, he still has his own quirky stuff that I have to be aware of now, but I'm sober now and I can handle these things with much more finesse to prevent the meltdowns and then deal with the meltdowns with calm and authority when they come. I just couldn't do that while drinking and I am so sorry that I wasn't the mother my son needed at the time.

But like you said, it is good to remember how fortunate we are. Yesterday was my older son's birthday. I had a party at the house. This year he has made a new friend, Pietro. Pietro has very severe autism, nearly non verbal with many tics and frequent fits and outbursts. My older son has really connected with him though despite the barrier of not communicating verbally. They play at the park and find their way of doing what kids do. My son was really happy he was coming to his party and we had gone out and bought some duple blocks that evidently is Pietro's favorite thing to do. He was conscious of making a quiet space for him as he gets overwhelmed easily, so we set up a little spot in my bedroom with the blocks where Pietro could retreat if things got too much for him. Unfortunately Pietro didn't show up to the party. During the school day he had gotten upset and physically attacked his teacher to the point several other teachers had to come in and assist in getting him off of her and under control. The fact that my younger son won't let me take a picture of him, has a hard time understanding various emotions or melts down when I wash his hair (we have now gotten to the point that the bath part is ok) didn't seem so bad all of the sudden. To close, that is NOT to say that I/we/you should not ever get upset or have no right to get upset because some people have it worse, it is simply to reiterate what you pointed out, to remember how fortunate we are despite our individual challenges.
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Talking to yourself? Nothing particularly wrong with that, as long as you're listening to what you're saying. Sometimes you need to talk yourself out of a stupid move. I'm all for it. Eventually, drinking won't even occur to you. Then you can talk about something else.
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:39 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm so glad you came here and posted how you were feeling. Parenting is definitely the hardest, and also most rewarding job in the world. Do you have any respite care to help you with your son?

I hope the air quality clears soon, the fires are horrible, so much loss of life and property.
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:44 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Mera, thank you! We have some pretty similar experiences. I relate to the bath situation so much, the sensory issues, the ďperfect temperatureĒ of the milk (of everything), being half out of it from drinking through the stress then not being able to handle a crisis. Though the challenges have changed (my kids a preteen now), I am reminding myself how much better I feel having handled any type of crisis sober, how much better the outcome is and how much more quickly the situation passes. I agree it is important to keep perspective because itís true others do have it worse, while at the same time allowing ourselves to feel everything we feel from our own circumstances.

Thank you again, everyone. I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom - Viktor E. Frankl

If you have no other religion, make it gratitude.
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Old 11-20-2018, 06:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Delilah1 View Post
I'm so glad you came here and posted how you were feeling. Parenting is definitely the hardest, and also most rewarding job in the world. Do you have any respite care to help you with your son?

I hope the air quality clears soon, the fires are horrible, so much loss of life and property.
Hi Delilah, thank you. We had respite care then the sitter went off to college. How dare she? Lol. We are in the process of getting some one new. Itís a reminder I need to follow up on this and get things moving. A night out with the husband would be good
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Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom - Viktor E. Frankl

If you have no other religion, make it gratitude.
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Old 11-20-2018, 12:36 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Oh my gosh I do relate. And while I absolutely cannot compare my level of difficulty to yours, my daughter has been the ultimate parenting challenge this past year. Holy smokes. I post on another thread all about my struggles with my kiddo. And she's awesome....but oh my she makes me literally homicidal sometimes. Well not really, but the agitation can feel relentless at times.

One of my biggest challenges is the loss of control. Not that I really ever had any, but now I have none. And I watch her dig herself into a hole through her own choices and actions (sound familiar?) and then I have to be there, no matter what, to help her out and support her. Of course, right? And I resent because she will not follow my guidance (how dare she?) and I let her take advantage of me regularly...because I love to make her happy. Oh geez. What a mess. So I really end up angry with myself because guess what, its all on me to choose how I respond.

Things are starting to smooth out. She's growing and changing. So am I. But this 17 yr old stuff is truly the hardest job of my life. Makes recovery seem like a cake walk. But I am soooo grateful I've walked through this very difficult time sober. So glad. And I think the next few years will continue to be a challenge....but at least she'll be away at college...which will present new challenges.

I just wish I could sleep for the next 7 years...wake up when she's 25. haha.

Hang in there.
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Old 11-20-2018, 04:07 PM   #16 (permalink)
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I too have a special needs kid. Heís now 20 and doing things that I had never thought he could. I gave up my career to take care of him. His childhood was extremely difficult and i began binging when he was young. My life was very stressful and frustrating..., most of the time I was just sick with worry and I doubted myself all the time. I tried drinking to get relief from my worries and my thoughts, but alcohol clouded my thinking and made me sick and so I could cope even less than if Iíd gone though it sober. I was kidding myself to think that it was the answer. Alcohol never makes problems better, it only adds to them. If you think otherwise, rest assured that your alcoholism is speaking over you.

Hang in there and get sober. Youíll deal with your son better and your relationship with him will benefit. I know that aspies relate differently, but trust and consistency are very important.

I wish you strength and resolve and I hope you feel better soon.
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