Class of November 2018 Part 2
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Aaaaaand there it is — The craving is starting early today. I’m in the house alone, which usually means it’s time to start in on the bottle of champagne I would have stashed in the back of the refrigerator produce drawer, hidden behind the kale.
Fortunately, there is no bottle stashed in the fridge, only red wine. Which I could totally go for when the cravings are strong enough, but not my favorite.
Not doing it though. I have to hit 7 days. My mind is made up; I just need the rest of me to get the memo.
I don’t know what to do with myself, besides pacing like a caged animal. I’ll start with coffee. Then maybe I’ll organize something. That sounds awful and lame, but I don’t know what else to do.
Fortunately, there is no bottle stashed in the fridge, only red wine. Which I could totally go for when the cravings are strong enough, but not my favorite.
Not doing it though. I have to hit 7 days. My mind is made up; I just need the rest of me to get the memo.
I don’t know what to do with myself, besides pacing like a caged animal. I’ll start with coffee. Then maybe I’ll organize something. That sounds awful and lame, but I don’t know what else to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
I’m sorry, I just have to ramble about something that’s on my mind. I wasn’t going to talk about this here because I hate thinking about it. But my oldest has been around a lot this weekend; she is one of my triggers.
She’s 20 and bipolar. She started going off the deep end around the age of 13, even more so at 14 and 15. Somewhere in that time I got into some really heavy drinking. I’ve had a problem for a long time; I guess this is when I sort of gave up.
People used to say “she’s just a typical teenager.” Of course they didn’t know about the self-harm, the suicide attempts, the holes she punched in the walls, the time she violently lashed out at her brother, the screaming and swearing, the sneaking out, the boys, the ER visits, the psychiatric hospital stays, the hysterical sobbing, the flights of rage (mostly at me), etc.
Things got a little better once she got diagnosed and took meds. But she wielded her diagnosis as a weapon — anytime I tried to take a stand, she’d go hurt herself.
She’s doing much better these days, but I still have to walk on eggshells. We all do. My son hadn’t spoken to her since May, when she attacked him in the kitchen over something stupid. I live on edge, alert for the sound of sobbing, punching the wall, breaking stuff. She breaks a lot of things.
Her episodes are getting further and further apart as she matures, but my stress levels are not reduced at all. I’m always wondering when she’s going to lose it again, because there’s always a next time.
When she’s not here, things are so calm. (Aside from the hysterical phone calls I get sometimes) Isn’t that awful to say? I feel like an awful person.
Anyway, it’s thanksgiving week and I’ll be seeing a lot of her. I’m afraid of losing my focus on staying sober. I do not want to drink.
I don’t mean for this to sound like “poor me” — just giving context for why she stresses me out. I love her to bits; it’s just hard for me to deal with the drama.
She’s 20 and bipolar. She started going off the deep end around the age of 13, even more so at 14 and 15. Somewhere in that time I got into some really heavy drinking. I’ve had a problem for a long time; I guess this is when I sort of gave up.
People used to say “she’s just a typical teenager.” Of course they didn’t know about the self-harm, the suicide attempts, the holes she punched in the walls, the time she violently lashed out at her brother, the screaming and swearing, the sneaking out, the boys, the ER visits, the psychiatric hospital stays, the hysterical sobbing, the flights of rage (mostly at me), etc.
Things got a little better once she got diagnosed and took meds. But she wielded her diagnosis as a weapon — anytime I tried to take a stand, she’d go hurt herself.
She’s doing much better these days, but I still have to walk on eggshells. We all do. My son hadn’t spoken to her since May, when she attacked him in the kitchen over something stupid. I live on edge, alert for the sound of sobbing, punching the wall, breaking stuff. She breaks a lot of things.
Her episodes are getting further and further apart as she matures, but my stress levels are not reduced at all. I’m always wondering when she’s going to lose it again, because there’s always a next time.
When she’s not here, things are so calm. (Aside from the hysterical phone calls I get sometimes) Isn’t that awful to say? I feel like an awful person.
Anyway, it’s thanksgiving week and I’ll be seeing a lot of her. I’m afraid of losing my focus on staying sober. I do not want to drink.
I don’t mean for this to sound like “poor me” — just giving context for why she stresses me out. I love her to bits; it’s just hard for me to deal with the drama.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 78
@Bonnie
Well that really sucks, but that is a very good reason for you to stay sober and clearheaded. How else will you know if your reactions towards your daughter are justified? This way if any situation arises during Thanksgiving for example you will know that you did your utmost to deal with it in a reasonable way. No regrets or doubts because you said something but maybe it was the wine talking...
I don't envy your situation if I'm honest and if she's 20 now then you don't have to feel guilty for not enjoying her company. I always say that you choose your friends but your stuck with your family, just because she's your blood doesn't mean that you will always get along.
Well that really sucks, but that is a very good reason for you to stay sober and clearheaded. How else will you know if your reactions towards your daughter are justified? This way if any situation arises during Thanksgiving for example you will know that you did your utmost to deal with it in a reasonable way. No regrets or doubts because you said something but maybe it was the wine talking...
I don't envy your situation if I'm honest and if she's 20 now then you don't have to feel guilty for not enjoying her company. I always say that you choose your friends but your stuck with your family, just because she's your blood doesn't mean that you will always get along.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Oh linners we've all done that. The shame and regret will fade. What's done is done. Don't waste your energy beating yourself up. Put it onto your sobriety plan. You need never do this again.
hi strawberry hope the aftershocks have ceased and your weather isn't getting too cold. Our flight is 8 pm tomorrow night and gets to Edinburgh 7am with tine difference.
Oh breakfree what a crazy day 😢 at lesst you're sober dealing with it. I tell myself that life is just life and bad stuff happens when drink or sober. We're just better able to face it sober.
been to statue of liberty and skating at rockefeller center. One fall. Probably won't be able to move tomorrow. Getting too old for such things 😀
Have a great day everyone.x
hi strawberry hope the aftershocks have ceased and your weather isn't getting too cold. Our flight is 8 pm tomorrow night and gets to Edinburgh 7am with tine difference.
Oh breakfree what a crazy day 😢 at lesst you're sober dealing with it. I tell myself that life is just life and bad stuff happens when drink or sober. We're just better able to face it sober.
been to statue of liberty and skating at rockefeller center. One fall. Probably won't be able to move tomorrow. Getting too old for such things 😀
Have a great day everyone.x
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Minerva99 
At church this morning, I dipped the host into the goblet of wine. Last week I dipped the host in the goblet of grape juice. But today, I didn't even think of the wine vs grape juice thing.
Afterwards, I remarked to my husband that I did so but would not count this as "drinking," or start counting days at zero again. He smiled at that, and said "Of course! It's Communion!" I realize their are different opinions on this, but Communion sure did not act as a "trigger" for me. And I truly feel I'm not rationalizing this.
Afterwards, I remarked to my husband that I did so but would not count this as "drinking," or start counting days at zero again. He smiled at that, and said "Of course! It's Communion!" I realize their are different opinions on this, but Communion sure did not act as a "trigger" for me. And I truly feel I'm not rationalizing this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Bonnie, thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry for the difficulties that this has caused you and your family. I don't have any experience with bipolar disorder, but I have had my share of difficulties with my middle daughter, who is now 23, and expecting my first grandchild in January. She was the difficult one of my three kids, always making the wrong choices about boys, drugs, etc, etc. I didn't know how to deal with it and I basically just pushed her away, retreating to my drinking. I carry a lot of guilt about this and vow to improve my relationship with her.
You are definitely not an awful person, as anyone would be stressed out by this type of drama in their lives. I don't have any great advice to give you other than to take care of yourself. You have complete control over that. And know that we care, and are here if you need to share anything.
You are definitely not an awful person, as anyone would be stressed out by this type of drama in their lives. I don't have any great advice to give you other than to take care of yourself. You have complete control over that. And know that we care, and are here if you need to share anything.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,279
So I'm back to day 3, still feeling groggy from the migraine I got from staying up until 5am, my body just can't handle it anymore, the older I get the less my body can handle.
I feel ****** and depressed, I need to help myself get out of this rut. I'm unhappy in my life but also know I'm the owner of this and know I have to stop drinking so I can from a clear headed place make a change for myself.
So here I go..
I feel ****** and depressed, I need to help myself get out of this rut. I'm unhappy in my life but also know I'm the owner of this and know I have to stop drinking so I can from a clear headed place make a change for myself.
So here I go..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 636
I'm proud to say that im 7 days sober. It's been a great weekend as far as me being productive. Craving is not as bad but my emotions are like a roller coaster. I'm making friends with the suffering I have going on and transforming that energy into something positive.
Whats been working for me so far is mediation, gym, gratitude journal, school and the fear of getting another seizure, anxiety and end up in the ER again. This has been the worst year of my life losing my mother but I will transform and create a person that I thought would never exist.
Whats been working for me so far is mediation, gym, gratitude journal, school and the fear of getting another seizure, anxiety and end up in the ER again. This has been the worst year of my life losing my mother but I will transform and create a person that I thought would never exist.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 660
Hi Everyone 
I am stuck in the living room with only my phone and you know what that means! I wish I could send you all a picture. I’ve got two dogs laying on me! I have so much I want to reply to and share but it will have to wait until morning. I had to at least say HELLO and send ((( cyberhugs ))) and love. I am thinking of each and every one of you. I am so proud of what we are doing together. It’s hard enough fighting addiction, but add in “doing life” and it just all adds up. Addiction makes me feel week, but beating it’s ass sure makes me feel stronger! I hope you’re all feeling the same!
I am so grateful for all of you! Keep coming back and let’s beat this thing! Everything else will fall into place eventually!
Good Night and Sweet Dreams, my friends!
I am stuck in the living room with only my phone and you know what that means! I wish I could send you all a picture. I’ve got two dogs laying on me! I have so much I want to reply to and share but it will have to wait until morning. I had to at least say HELLO and send ((( cyberhugs ))) and love. I am thinking of each and every one of you. I am so proud of what we are doing together. It’s hard enough fighting addiction, but add in “doing life” and it just all adds up. Addiction makes me feel week, but beating it’s ass sure makes me feel stronger! I hope you’re all feeling the same!
I am so grateful for all of you! Keep coming back and let’s beat this thing! Everything else will fall into place eventually!
Good Night and Sweet Dreams, my friends!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by ClearPath64
Day 14 - Good morning friends. Really productive day yesterday, as I checked all but two items off of my morning 'to do' list. The day doesn't always go 100% as planned, so I've decided that it's okay if a few items have to roll over to the next day.
Last night was a bit lonely, even with the grand-pups around. Didn't have anything in the house to eat, so I made a quick trip to the grocery store. Same store that's been the scene of the crime in the past. Extensive liquor department. Fleeting, very fleeting, thought of a little something to help with the loneliness. Instead, found a good salmon filet, some veggies to go with it, and got the heck out of there. Came back home, prepared dinner, and binge-watched a show that I started watching on NetFlix.
One of the parts of my recovery plan that I don't have very well defined right now is the social part of it. I'm blessed to have a good relationship with my family, but we're not super close, in that we keep each other at arms length, when it gets right down to our deepest, darkest emotions. I don't have any real friends to speak of, outside of work friends. For me, "socializing" ends up being a lame attempt at getting out and about, to a coffee shop, bookstore, or whatever, and sitting alone with coffee or a book, watching other people interacting, and doing what normal, social people do. This part of my life was not very well developed in my youth and, lord knows, I haven't given it a chance to develop in my 30+ year drinking career. Those first few beers, at a high school party so many (many) years ago, brought with them the promise of a way to fit in. What a lie. What a total, life-destroying lie.
Last night was a bit lonely, even with the grand-pups around. Didn't have anything in the house to eat, so I made a quick trip to the grocery store. Same store that's been the scene of the crime in the past. Extensive liquor department. Fleeting, very fleeting, thought of a little something to help with the loneliness. Instead, found a good salmon filet, some veggies to go with it, and got the heck out of there. Came back home, prepared dinner, and binge-watched a show that I started watching on NetFlix.
One of the parts of my recovery plan that I don't have very well defined right now is the social part of it. I'm blessed to have a good relationship with my family, but we're not super close, in that we keep each other at arms length, when it gets right down to our deepest, darkest emotions. I don't have any real friends to speak of, outside of work friends. For me, "socializing" ends up being a lame attempt at getting out and about, to a coffee shop, bookstore, or whatever, and sitting alone with coffee or a book, watching other people interacting, and doing what normal, social people do. This part of my life was not very well developed in my youth and, lord knows, I haven't given it a chance to develop in my 30+ year drinking career. Those first few beers, at a high school party so many (many) years ago, brought with them the promise of a way to fit in. What a lie. What a total, life-destroying lie.
the thing is from my last stint of sobriety I learned that we are not all meant to be the life and soul of the party. It's ok to be quiet to be shy and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I grew in quiet confidence and self worth. Age helps too. It's ok to be happy with who wrote are. Our sober selves . We grow as we stay sober and don't need to try to be someone we are not.
and all those normal people we see are far from normal and have all the same insecuritis fears and worries but perhaps just not showing them at that moment in time.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Strawberry18
ahrrr linners I feel your pain.. I have also done this many times and spent the next day hungover thinking it over and over again.
Be kind to yourself today xxx
Ral when are you home bound?
Its horrible weather again here ( I'm loving it ! No guilt on not working on the farm ) so it's pjs fire and kiddo time ! I made a pumpkin pie today and the kids didn't like it
oh well ! Hubby did .
Happy Sunday everyone x
Be kind to yourself today xxx
Ral when are you home bound?
Its horrible weather again here ( I'm loving it ! No guilt on not working on the farm ) so it's pjs fire and kiddo time ! I made a pumpkin pie today and the kids didn't like it
oh well ! Hubby did .Happy Sunday everyone x
we cut holes in the front scoop pit the middle and make a spooky face and put tea lights in the. 😀
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd
I’m sorry, I just have to ramble about something that’s on my mind. I wasn’t going to talk about this here because I hate thinking about it. But my oldest has been around a lot this weekend; she is one of my triggers.
She’s 20 and bipolar. She started going off the deep end around the age of 13, even more so at 14 and 15. Somewhere in that time I got into some really heavy drinking. I’ve had a problem for a long time; I guess this is when I sort of gave up.
People used to say “she’s just a typical teenager.” Of course they didn’t know about the self-harm, the suicide attempts, the holes she punched in the walls, the time she violently lashed out at her brother, the screaming and swearing, the sneaking out, the boys, the ER visits, the psychiatric hospital stays, the hysterical sobbing, the flights of rage (mostly at me), etc.
Things got a little better once she got diagnosed and took meds. But she wielded her diagnosis as a weapon — anytime I tried to take a stand, she’d go hurt herself.
She’s doing much better these days, but I still have to walk on eggshells. We all do. My son hadn’t spoken to her since May, when she attacked him in the kitchen over something stupid. I live on edge, alert for the sound of sobbing, punching the wall, breaking stuff. She breaks a lot of things.
Her episodes are getting further and further apart as she matures, but my stress levels are not reduced at all. I’m always wondering when she’s going to lose it again, because there’s always a next time.
When she’s not here, things are so calm. (Aside from the hysterical phone calls I get sometimes) Isn’t that awful to say? I feel like an awful person.
Anyway, it’s thanksgiving week and I’ll be seeing a lot of her. I’m afraid of losing my focus on staying sober. I do not want to drink.
I don’t mean for this to sound like “poor me” — just giving context for why she stresses me out. I love her to bits; it’s just hard for me to deal with the drama.
She’s 20 and bipolar. She started going off the deep end around the age of 13, even more so at 14 and 15. Somewhere in that time I got into some really heavy drinking. I’ve had a problem for a long time; I guess this is when I sort of gave up.
People used to say “she’s just a typical teenager.” Of course they didn’t know about the self-harm, the suicide attempts, the holes she punched in the walls, the time she violently lashed out at her brother, the screaming and swearing, the sneaking out, the boys, the ER visits, the psychiatric hospital stays, the hysterical sobbing, the flights of rage (mostly at me), etc.
Things got a little better once she got diagnosed and took meds. But she wielded her diagnosis as a weapon — anytime I tried to take a stand, she’d go hurt herself.
She’s doing much better these days, but I still have to walk on eggshells. We all do. My son hadn’t spoken to her since May, when she attacked him in the kitchen over something stupid. I live on edge, alert for the sound of sobbing, punching the wall, breaking stuff. She breaks a lot of things.
Her episodes are getting further and further apart as she matures, but my stress levels are not reduced at all. I’m always wondering when she’s going to lose it again, because there’s always a next time.
When she’s not here, things are so calm. (Aside from the hysterical phone calls I get sometimes) Isn’t that awful to say? I feel like an awful person.
Anyway, it’s thanksgiving week and I’ll be seeing a lot of her. I’m afraid of losing my focus on staying sober. I do not want to drink.
I don’t mean for this to sound like “poor me” — just giving context for why she stresses me out. I love her to bits; it’s just hard for me to deal with the drama.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Mechanic — thanks. You’re right. It is very important for me to stay sober, and I will.
Clearpath — thanks for sharing with me about your daughter. Kids can be such a source of stress. My daughter and I are close and I love her, but she does bring tension into the house. And any tension, regardless of the source, typically makes me want to drink.
Thanks RAL. :-)
But im changing that now; that’s the good news. Maybe once I get better at coping without a drink, I won’t feel as tense around her.
edited because I’m on my phone and prematurely hit “post”. Will reply to more of y’all in a little while; I’m going to watch Riverdale now. Sober.
Clearpath — thanks for sharing with me about your daughter. Kids can be such a source of stress. My daughter and I are close and I love her, but she does bring tension into the house. And any tension, regardless of the source, typically makes me want to drink.
Thanks RAL. :-)
But im changing that now; that’s the good news. Maybe once I get better at coping without a drink, I won’t feel as tense around her.
edited because I’m on my phone and prematurely hit “post”. Will reply to more of y’all in a little while; I’m going to watch Riverdale now. Sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Have had a good weekend for the most part. Today was a lazy day and I found myself really bored. That's my fault. There are a ton of things to do to occupy my mind to keep boredom at bay. I was just too lazy to do anything. So I have not had urges lately and really excited about how good I'm feeling.
Then an add come through stupid facebook on the miracle hangover pill that you take right after your last drink. lol I've tried it all and if I know I can take a "magic" pill guess what, I drink even more thinking that I don't have to worry. Only to find myself praying to the porcelain god in the morning.
Then an add come through stupid facebook on the miracle hangover pill that you take right after your last drink. lol I've tried it all and if I know I can take a "magic" pill guess what, I drink even more thinking that I don't have to worry. Only to find myself praying to the porcelain god in the morning.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Originally Posted by Linners820
For everyone--what has been your experiences with cravings? For me, they start on day 3 or 4 and I end up blowing it. I know that if I continue to "feed the beast" they'll never go away. It starts with just a thought that mushrooms out of control. When do they typically peak and start to recede for you guys? In other words, how long can I generally expect to be battling these intense cravings before they start to lessen?
Edited to add that the next time I feel that initial urge, I just need to come here and be honest about it instead of pretending I'm fine and I can ride it out myself. I'm clearly not making the most of this class by doing what I've been doing, so a definite change is in order.
Edited to add that the next time I feel that initial urge, I just need to come here and be honest about it instead of pretending I'm fine and I can ride it out myself. I'm clearly not making the most of this class by doing what I've been doing, so a definite change is in order.
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,909
Work was normal and OK. Had fun playing some Mario Kart with nephew. Did my laundry. Ate a sandwich and then ironed work clothes for the next couple of weeks while I watched some television. Now I'm going to go soak in a hot bath with a good book (well, four books as I am crazy and always have four books at a time going) and then it's time for bed. No thoughts of drinking today. Grateful to be going to bed sober!
Welcome to SR and the Class of November 2018, Drunkexpat! I look forward to getting to know you better in recovery.
If we fall down 99 times then we get up 100, Linners820. Glad you're back in here. Don't beat yourself up, just think about something you can do different the next time those thoughts come. We've all been there. Very recently.
Sounds like your day could only get better from that early morning fiasco, BreakFree.
I'd just be more conscientious about where you dip the wafer next time, Minerva. You had an accident, just keep moving forward.
Good on you for getting in here, bonniefloyd. Hope the rest of your day was OK. Remember if you don't drink the first one, it's impossible to have number two or three or ten. (And just saw your second post about your daughter--I dealt for many many years with another family member with very similar issues so I can certainly empathize. One thing I do know is drinking is just a false solution for people like us. Hang close to here and feel free to vent as much as necessary over this stressful holiday season.)
Congrats on one week, GhostFace!
Hope you enjoyed the movie, TeeJayVerm.
Hello to everyone else who I didn't respond to individually and my apologies for not doing so. I meant to only post my own update but started replying to others and now my hot bath is cold and I've gotta refill the tub before I can get in it. Anyways, let me just say I love this class. Such great support in here. Thanks for helping me stay sober another day!
Welcome to SR and the Class of November 2018, Drunkexpat! I look forward to getting to know you better in recovery.
If we fall down 99 times then we get up 100, Linners820. Glad you're back in here. Don't beat yourself up, just think about something you can do different the next time those thoughts come. We've all been there. Very recently.
Sounds like your day could only get better from that early morning fiasco, BreakFree.
I'd just be more conscientious about where you dip the wafer next time, Minerva. You had an accident, just keep moving forward.
Good on you for getting in here, bonniefloyd. Hope the rest of your day was OK. Remember if you don't drink the first one, it's impossible to have number two or three or ten. (And just saw your second post about your daughter--I dealt for many many years with another family member with very similar issues so I can certainly empathize. One thing I do know is drinking is just a false solution for people like us. Hang close to here and feel free to vent as much as necessary over this stressful holiday season.)
Congrats on one week, GhostFace!
Hope you enjoyed the movie, TeeJayVerm.
Hello to everyone else who I didn't respond to individually and my apologies for not doing so. I meant to only post my own update but started replying to others and now my hot bath is cold and I've gotta refill the tub before I can get in it. Anyways, let me just say I love this class. Such great support in here. Thanks for helping me stay sober another day!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Greece
Posts: 943
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
I'm with you on this. I wouldn't consider this a lapse. It was an error anyway you'd never get drunk of dipping in the communion wine and it's it's not a trigger. Relax and let it go.
I don't find it a trigger or even taste the wine because I'm focusing on prayer.
If I had a choose here between grape juice or red wine I would choose grape juice . But as I don't I don't beat myself up over it .
So see it as an mistake not reset the counter ! X
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Red78
So I'm back to day 3, still feeling groggy from the migraine I got from staying up until 5am, my body just can't handle it anymore, the older I get the less my body can handle.
I feel ****** and depressed, I need to help myself get out of this rut. I'm unhappy in my life but also know I'm the owner of this and know I have to stop drinking so I can from a clear headed place make a change for myself.
So here I go..
I feel ****** and depressed, I need to help myself get out of this rut. I'm unhappy in my life but also know I'm the owner of this and know I have to stop drinking so I can from a clear headed place make a change for myself.
So here I go..
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