obosob

Day 19....

Just made it through yesterday.
Christmas shopping with wife, daughter and mother.
Parked the car next to a major bottleshop…….

Before I got sober again I was drinking beer and whiskey.
Hiding cans and bottles around the joint....
Getting really drunk by myself...…
Staggering, talking to myself, falling over in the driveway type of drunk.

I'm again relieved this morning I didn't drink.
It's time to really dive into recovery, my mind and body are desperate for it!

Hope all are well. I can relate to all of the posts and am glad panic/anxiety/depressive thinking is shared in thread so we all don't feel so alone with it all.....

ReadyAtLast

Well done on getting through Obosob. Great result.

Congrats to all of us getting through another day sober and congrats to all who have come back, for having the strength, commitment and determination to come back.

Sorry you've had another bad day Breakfree but well done on not drinking. Can you maybe do something outside the home that;s just about you? Part time work/volunteering/gym/walking or other group/library groups? Anything that interests you. Maybe something for you to have for yourself that isnt solely connected to your family might help you feel less frustrated. let the boys look after themselves for a while -sure they'll appreciate you more then

Primativo -I so agree with you. The older we get and more we stop and start the worse the whole cycle gets.

Chaisson- yes, the calmness and peace of mind is priceless. Long may it last

cLearpath - how has your day been? I hope you are feeling ok now

Hi Bonnie - I love reading too and often have 3 books on the go-at the moment it's 1 self help (Naked Mind) , 1 thriller by Daniel Baldacci and 1 chick lit Xmas book. It totally depends on my mood at that specific moment as to which I read

Not much news here. Wild storms outside wind and rain but no snow TJV

obosob

Thanks RAL.

Tinkerbeau

I made it through work today, and enjoyed being back there, it reminded me how much i dont want to mess up again and risk my job. Im feeling alot calmer now just can't sleep, and stressing myself as made few online purchases while drinking, unessecary xmas gifts for family, but guess they can be returned as getting money on track is something i need to fo along with being healthy.
Hope everyone is well.

Dee74

Great recovery going on here guys - congrats to all
If anyones in trouble tho, please do post - we can help

D

OtterIsland

So, Day 8. What I wasn't expecting was to wake up feeling like I was hungover.....what's that about?

But I got up, had breakfast, took my meds and got my kids off the school and headed to work. By lunchtime I was feeling better.

At work I was pulled in privately by my boss and told that starting Jan 1st I will take on supervision of two of my coworkers. I was thinking this was going to happen soon as I've been there a year and have adapted to the culture and proven myself to understand my position.

So another great reason to continue to work on my sobriety - between taking on two direct reports and a major software conversion I don't think I'd want to navigate all of that plus two teens with their up and down issues (I'll post another time about one that came up tonight)......I need calm, serentity and to have my head on my shoulders for all of this. And alcohol can only take those things from me, not help me find them.

Love reading all of your posts! Breakfree I'm thinking about you and all your trials......hope you have a fabulous vacation!

Tinkerbeau - great job getting out and going to work! Staying busy can be really helpful in recovery.

TeeJayVerm

Good news, no feelings of anxiety today... but I went to work and had that usual feeling of being unchallenged and unfulfilled. I've been in the same line of work since I graduated college and a change is long overdue.

A friend of mine offered me a job a couple of weeks after my previous job was eliminated, and I am grateful for that, but I did that just to get back on my feet. In the meantime, I set goals for myself to quit drinking, be more active, gain more confidence, etc. I've had some but nearly as much success as I would have hoped.

I've been at this job for 15 months now and really want to start thinking about getting entirely out of the industry and use my "transferrable skills" to do similar work in a different industry. (Also, get out of the Midwest entirely and go to the Southwest US.) HOWEVER, I know it wouldn't be smart to make a move until I have the sobriety down and get to a healthier weight.

I got to meet up with some friends tonight and it felt good to get out for a while, but we are all generally down in the dumps because of the unseasonably cold and snowy weather we have had this month.

Driving home in the dark does not help. I forgot to take my light therapy lamp to work today and my mood reflects that.

Time for bed. G'night all!

Strawberry18

Bonniefloyd

Just here for my bedtime check-in.

I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I'm feeling so sad and emotional, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if my feelings are in proportion to the thing that upset me -- maybe I'm overreacting. I'm tired but can't sleep, frustrated, and mostly just sad.

Also, it's my anniversary. My husband and I married 21 years ago, but were divorced for part of that time, so we haven't actually had 21 years of marriage.

He wants to do something to celebrate this weekend, but for me our anniversary brings up all these awful memories of the time he left me because he couldn't deal with our daughter's increasingly erratic behavior. He also acted like it was my fault when she started cutting herself, burning her curtains, and attempting suicide. He was being so unbelievably cruel.

But I've eventually come to understand that he was experiencing his own issues with coping, and I forgave him. Then we eventually worked things out, which turned out to be a good thing. And I'm not angry with him anymore, and I don't think about it much. Except for on our anniversary for some reason.

I'm not sure if there was an actual point to any of that story, but I don't know what to do with bad feelings other than drink. Sorry for being so gloomy and down. I'll probably feel more like myself in the morning, if I ever get to sleep.

ReadyAtLast

Hi everyone,
Not much activity overnight so I hope everyone is ok. If you are struggling please post and we will talk you out of drinking.

Bonnie-I'm sorry you've had such a bad day. Anniversaries do bring up so many memories, good and bad. Its' good you are able to write it down and process your thoughts rather than just numbing them with alcohol and then having to still deal with them in the morning, Do you feel any better for writing it down? Thats the beauty of this site imo, it's like a therapeutic community, well it is just that ! none of us know know each other and we can write what we want , sharing it whcih hopefully eases the pain.

That's great news otter-congrats on your promotion. onwards and upwards in sobriety

TJ-transferable skills is such a hot thing isn't it - you can almost do anything. I wish you well in your search. I gave up my main career when I move to scotland and it was the best thng I ever did.

Tinker-great result on another day. I also look forward to coming on SR. oh the drunk buying=sure we can all relate to that.

Last work day for me today. Got a lot done this week. Weather still horrendous, the road into our village has been closed all week as it's a coast road it floods at high tide, rocks, seaweed an everything. Have to go on a small back road which isn't built for such traffic, full of mud, water, irresponsible speeding drivers and everything takes about 20 minutes more than normal. oh the joys of rural living. At least I'm calm and sober.

have a good day everyone.
RAL.x

ReadyAtLast

Many congrats on day 4 strawberry. you can do this.

Dee74

Early recovery can be an emotional rollercoaster Bonnie - you might not feel this way tomorrow- and I hope you don't

Can you explain to hubby about the weekend - maybe even put off the celebrations until you feel a little more grounded?

D

Kaily

Morning all.

Still wet and wild here so not much walking going on which I have been using to fight my cravings.
Another long lonely day looming ahead. BUT it will be a sober day!

BreakFree

Good Morning! :)

ClearPath64… Thank you so much! I know that “self-care” is something I really need to work on. My excuse has always been that I have too much to do and that by making time for it, I will only hurt myself because I will put myself that much behind in everything else that needs my attention. Catch 22 kind of thing. The irony of that thought process is that consuming alcohol (my ONLY perceived “self-care”) took so much time away. I am excited for 2019 and some new resolutions! How are you doing?

Primativo… I think your observations make a lot of sense! I have also found that the older I get, the harder it is to “bounce back”. By the end, I was calling my hangovers “crippling”.

Chaisson… I am holding my coffee up to you in salute! I don’t miss the trash guilt either! I feel badly for saying this, but one of the reasons I was really looking forward to my oldest going off to college was to put some distance between him and his younger brother. He’s not going now. Sigh… Damn girlfriends. Good ‘ole Urban dictionary! Gotta have it these days. I can’t stand the way my oldest talks. He sounds and looks like a thug. He’s not. Gosh, all I do is complain about my kids :( This… “Drinking only increased my anxiety even though my thoughts were that I needed it to deal with everything. I already feel much calmer, and although unhappy on the personal front, I'm more content and accepting of where I am and want to be…” is me. I hope your charity event went smoothly. Yes, beware of the “silly season”! I love your post. Thank you :)

Bonnie… Thank you so much! I will definitely reach out sometime! Your support means a lot :) In response to your last post...Is it the damn hormones maybe? Mine are always up to no good at certain times during my cycle. The joys… NOT! I’m sorry the memories were so heavy yesterday. I hope today is a much better day!

obosob… Great work! I’m glad we can all share our lives too! They are SO intertwined with the complexity of alcohol.

RAL… Maybe it would. I can’t say because I’ve always been too afraid to try it. My fear is that it would be too much. Just another “thing” on top of all that I am already having a hard time handling. But that might not be reality. I don’t know. I think in the near future I will try. As for the boys… HA! Whenever I’ve “gone on strike” you need a loader to get through the front door, a clothespin for your nose (okay, a little exaggerating there) and they all live on take-out and energy drinks. Sometimes I think they are happier! My husband is useless in these areas. I hope the storms have passed! I just read your post about the roads being closed. I am reading the “Outlander” series and so far it’s based in Scotland. It sounds like a beautiful country! How do you like it? Where are you from originally? I have lived in NH all my life.

Tinkerbeau… I’m so glad you had a good day at work! Oh gawd. Drunk plans and drunk purchases are THE WORST! Way to go turning those thoughts around and being “solution oriented”! Great stuff :)

Dee74… Thank you!

OtterIsland… I don’t what is going on around here, but I’ve been feeling awful too! I’m glad yours passed. Mine has just been getting worse as the day goes on. I almost feel like I’m coming down with the flu, but I don’t feel sick if that makes any sense (extreme exhaustion/fatigue and body aches). OMGosh! Congratulations on your promotion! I’m so happy for you :) You are so right… “calm, serenity and to have my head on my shoulders for all of this. And alcohol can only take those things from me, not help me find them.” We leave a week from today. I’m really scared because I don’t feel strong enough for this kind of temptation. Sigh.

TeeJayVerm… I’m so happy the anxiety has passed! As I was reading your first paragraph (about your job), I was thinking of the exact conclusion you came to on your own. Maybe it’s a good thing that your work is a little low key while you focus on other things (being alcohol-free, getting fit, making plans/setting goals). Have you ever tried EFT (tapping)? I tried it a long time ago and even though it’s a little “woo”, it really worked for me when I tried it. I’m not sure why I stopped? Maybe because it takes time and effort? Who knows! I was reminded of this tool yesterday while listening to “The 30-Day Sobriety Solution”.

Strawberry18… I hope the walk helped! I know I need to start getting some cardio back into my routine. It always raises all those “feel good” hormones, but it's so hard for me to build the motivation and make time to do it!

Kaily… I hope you can get out today and do something that will lift your spirits!

BreakFree

I have been alcohol-free for 21 days. I can’t remember the last time I hit this milestone. In fact, I can’t remember the last milestone I hit. I’m tired of what consuming alcohol was doing to me and the scales have FINALLY tipped.

This was me…

1. It had become the “same old, same old”. We were eating out nearly every night of the week and I was consuming way too much alcohol. I began to worry what people were thinking/saying about me. In essence, I was beginning to feel like a “loser”.

2. I was reaching near black out and full black out on the way home from each “drinking event.” We’d have sex and I wouldn’t remember, which made me feel cheap, shameful and “taken advantage of” (although I knew I wasn’t). The tipping point was when I’d come home and have conversations with my teens and not remember. Waking up in a panic became a frequent thing.

3. If we weren’t staying out after we ate, I’d make my husband stop at the store on the way home for alcohol and then I’d sit at my computer and drink until I could drink no more. And eat A TON to keep my stomach from protesting.

4. I was becoming that friend that wouldn’t leave. I didn’t want the party to end and it made me feel like a loser. I am shuttering right now at the memories.

5. I was beginning to look like a “bar fly”. The reflection I’d see in the mirror was “hagrid”. I felt so awful about myself I couldn’t stand it. It was the reflection of someone who had really let herself go.

6. I was not living. I was struggling to make it through each day. It was unhappiness. Misery.

7. In summary, I was beginning to hate the person I was becoming.

Twenty-one days later things are not perfect (as you know!), but *I* am better. I can think more clearly. I can breathe. I feel proud of myself. I feel stronger. My face is no longer bloated. I have shed a few pounds. My house is getting in order. I struggle to find positives because life is SO HARD right now, but I CAN say that NONE of the above (the numbered things) is part of my life anymore and for now, that is enough. I have hope.

Thank you - so much – for sharing your lives with me, being here and the support

Dee74

I forgot to close this old thread off last night - my apologies.

If your post is 'missing'. it's just been moved to the new thread

we continue here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-3-a.html

D