Really bad relapse
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Yes. Your story is awful but it is drinking in a nutshell. Your story is the truth about drinking.
What if you had cried, gone to the gym for some yoga, treated yourself to a nice dinner, cried some more, took a bath, then went to sleep?
You'd have a car, your license, your reputation and your dignity intact.
It's possible for things to get even worse than this. One thing I've never seen alcohol do, is fail to give people an even worse day than the worst day of their lives.
Get sober. Start living. Theres a whole world out there for you after you clean up This mess and do the work to get alcohol out of your brain and spirit forever.
You can have a better life. Believe it.
What if you had cried, gone to the gym for some yoga, treated yourself to a nice dinner, cried some more, took a bath, then went to sleep?
You'd have a car, your license, your reputation and your dignity intact.
It's possible for things to get even worse than this. One thing I've never seen alcohol do, is fail to give people an even worse day than the worst day of their lives.
Get sober. Start living. Theres a whole world out there for you after you clean up This mess and do the work to get alcohol out of your brain and spirit forever.
You can have a better life. Believe it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Yes, there were many other solutions to my anger and fear, I chose the one thing I shouldn't have. All I can do is get back to learning ever more how to handle these situations. I have gotten out of the cycle of daily drinking, rehab helped me escape that, but I relapse at 4 months, or 6 months or 9 months because of an even that sets me off. I need to break that cycle and and working with various doctors and my sponsor to do just that.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
Yes, there were many other solutions to my anger and fear, I chose the one thing I shouldn't have. All I can do is get back to learning ever more how to handle these situations. I have gotten out of the cycle of daily drinking, rehab helped me escape that, but I relapse at 4 months, or 6 months or 9 months because of an even that sets me off. I need to break that cycle and and working with various doctors and my sponsor to do just that.
I know this without anyone having to convince me or support me....yes I NEED support and do come here a lot, but I don't need it to stay sober. I am sober for life. The change there is completely different.
It's a way of internalizing that you are truly done. I had a bad bender at the end and I am completely unable to separate the high from that bender in my mind, so drinking has become a terrible thing in my head. Something to always avoid. It is a permanent change.
I wish you the same epiphany. Use your terrible experience to embody exactly how you feel about drinking.
Best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Mera,
It sounds like you have the pieces in place for the near term, and that's no small thing under the circumstances. I don't know the details of your self-care or career, but I think Sassy makes a good point:
My first sponsor phrased it this way: "Never forget your last drink, or chances are you haven't had it yet." Most people I know who have stayed sober for an extended period of time can describe in detail what their last bender was like. In that sense, our tribulations can be our greatest asset: they remind us every day why we want to be sober today.
The other thing to keep in mind is everything of value in our lives is built on the foundation of our sobriety: our relationships, careers, health, sanity. I haven't had a drink since December 2009, and in terms of my career, I still haven't taken (or desired) the last job I had while drinking. The money was nice, but the stress was ridiculous. I might be able to take on that role today and do it well, but I am not willing to bet my life on it.
Be gentle on yourself, this was a reminder that you remain an alcoholic and that you need to structure your life accordingly. Personally, I don't want or need the things that I used to strive so hard for; the things I have gained since getting sober are so much more than the things I have let go to get and stay sober and free.
Please stay in touch. I believe you've gone to a few AA meetings along the way. Note the first word of the first step: WE. I would have died left to my own devices, it took catastrophe to get me to reach out and accept help from strangers. That's the nature of our disease - it wants us to isolate, and it thrives on our loneliness.
Stay in touch, and best of luck.
Eddie
It sounds like you have the pieces in place for the near term, and that's no small thing under the circumstances. I don't know the details of your self-care or career, but I think Sassy makes a good point:
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
It's a way of internalizing that you are truly done. I had a bad bender at the end and I am completely unable to separate the high from that bender in my mind, so drinking has become a terrible thing in my head. Something to always avoid. It is a permanent change.
The other thing to keep in mind is everything of value in our lives is built on the foundation of our sobriety: our relationships, careers, health, sanity. I haven't had a drink since December 2009, and in terms of my career, I still haven't taken (or desired) the last job I had while drinking. The money was nice, but the stress was ridiculous. I might be able to take on that role today and do it well, but I am not willing to bet my life on it.
Be gentle on yourself, this was a reminder that you remain an alcoholic and that you need to structure your life accordingly. Personally, I don't want or need the things that I used to strive so hard for; the things I have gained since getting sober are so much more than the things I have let go to get and stay sober and free.
Please stay in touch. I believe you've gone to a few AA meetings along the way. Note the first word of the first step: WE. I would have died left to my own devices, it took catastrophe to get me to reach out and accept help from strangers. That's the nature of our disease - it wants us to isolate, and it thrives on our loneliness.
Stay in touch, and best of luck.
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
I also read a post from you in another thread offing support to another Sat member who is struggling. This is why you are so loved, you care greatly about those around you. All you need to do right now is keep making small steps in the right direction.
Sending lots of love my friend.❤️
Sending lots of love my friend.❤️
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Thank you again for all the support. I was praying on that last night, appreciating how much support I do have. People have come around left and right to help, offer support, just talk. I have always had trouble asking for help- not so much here, but in real life a lot. I called one friend to tell her what had happened and she said painfully "why didn't you call me after the mediation so we could talk?" and I had no answer. I just don't ask for help in these moments of crisis- I didn't call my sponsor for example- I just drink. And they have gotten fewer and further between but they still happen. I simply go into shock and panic and the only thing I can think to do is drink. This is my problem now, not daily drinking. I am happy when I am sober. I just hit a crisis and then go....
I started my new meds and feel brighter but the panic comes in waves and often.
I have a lawyer for the DUI and now a lawyer for dealing with my ex. I do not want a nasty battle with him but I have tried on my own for years to deal with him with now luck. He is a narcissist, verging on psychopath, and a bully. I have submitted to him since we split in order to try and keep the peace but I see it has done me no favours. I need someone in my corner now. He had manipulated the mediator and I did not feel listened to or that things were even in the few sessions we went to. I need help.
I am safe for now, I know I won't drink for the foreseeable future. I need to work on strengthening myself and my resolve for when the next crisis happens, for surely there will be one. Drinking cannot be an option.
I started my new meds and feel brighter but the panic comes in waves and often.
I have a lawyer for the DUI and now a lawyer for dealing with my ex. I do not want a nasty battle with him but I have tried on my own for years to deal with him with now luck. He is a narcissist, verging on psychopath, and a bully. I have submitted to him since we split in order to try and keep the peace but I see it has done me no favours. I need someone in my corner now. He had manipulated the mediator and I did not feel listened to or that things were even in the few sessions we went to. I need help.
I am safe for now, I know I won't drink for the foreseeable future. I need to work on strengthening myself and my resolve for when the next crisis happens, for surely there will be one. Drinking cannot be an option.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
It’s very good you have support IRL.
Narcissists are SO difficult. I had to read a lot of books before I realized I wasn’t going crazy, but the lies and manipulation keep you on your toes all the time.
I’m glad to hear you aren’t drinking and are moving forward with positive steps.
Narcissists are SO difficult. I had to read a lot of books before I realized I wasn’t going crazy, but the lies and manipulation keep you on your toes all the time.
I’m glad to hear you aren’t drinking and are moving forward with positive steps.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Syracuse NY
Posts: 9
I did it too
Originally Posted by MissPerfumado
Oh Mera. You can come back. You will come back. It is never, ever hopeless. Never. There is always a way. There are incredible stories right here on SR of people who thought they had lost it all, and rebuilt their lives.
You have your kids, you have your health. You can find a new job. Don't let the way things ended at your old job derail you... there could be many reasons why they might have wanted to create performance issues. You can come back from that.
You will get your licence back, then you can work out what you need to do about the car. That was a mistake that you made, driving after drinking, and you should own that mistake.
Then you can come back from it. We have all made terrible mistakes here on SR, and we know what it's like. We are all alcoholics here.
A plan, Mera. You need a plan. A plan to make sure you don't go back to the booze and a plan to come back from this.
You can do it. Keep posting here, and keep close to SR. With the help here, you will come back.
You have your kids, you have your health. You can find a new job. Don't let the way things ended at your old job derail you... there could be many reasons why they might have wanted to create performance issues. You can come back from that.
You will get your licence back, then you can work out what you need to do about the car. That was a mistake that you made, driving after drinking, and you should own that mistake.
Then you can come back from it. We have all made terrible mistakes here on SR, and we know what it's like. We are all alcoholics here.
A plan, Mera. You need a plan. A plan to make sure you don't go back to the booze and a plan to come back from this.
You can do it. Keep posting here, and keep close to SR. With the help here, you will come back.
I did it too recently and did not get caught drunk driving. Feeling really guilty about it. But I took my Antabuse. But anyway I how you feel about having regret.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 15
You’re not alone love. This disease is tricky - it thrives best by making us isolate, feel alone, and feel hopeless. Relapses happen. We can recover from them.
Minute by minute - don’t pick up. You’re amongst friends! We all share this disease and we can all recover. Our relapsed don’t have to define our recovery. We CAN and DO get better.
Oh. And it’s HARD. I know.
Be safe - sending love and healing energy to you.
Minute by minute - don’t pick up. You’re amongst friends! We all share this disease and we can all recover. Our relapsed don’t have to define our recovery. We CAN and DO get better.
Oh. And it’s HARD. I know.
Be safe - sending love and healing energy to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
It was a shock to see this thread pop back up today, I have mostly been lurking and lying low I am just so embarrassed. That said, the continued support is heartwarming.
I have been doing well, as I suspected I would be. As I said previously, I am out of the habit of daily drinking, I just have these relapses that last 1 or 2 days but they are becoming worse and worse even if infrequent. That is not to say the idea of drinking doesn't cross my mind, it absolutely does, but they are not cravings that are difficult to manage, they are rather just ideas or thoughts that can be swept aside rather easily. I am working so hard though to strengthen my character in order to hopefully prevent this from ever happening again.
I am still seeing my psychologist here in Italy. I am also working with a US based therapist who specialises in trauma, we meet once a week by phone and she gives me quite a bit of homework to do. I speak to my sponsor every day by phone.
I have a new psychiatrist who drastically cleaned up my medication regimen and I feel much better, better than I have felt in years. My former doctor just kept shoving more pills down my throat or increasing the dosage each time I complained of not feeling well or feeling like I wasn't a real person. This new doctor has a "less is more" approach. He also switched me from an SSRI to an SMS which nearly immediately saw positive results. It is like night and day how I feel.
All that said I would like to take a little bit of credit for my current well being, so while I think the medication has been a big part, I also think that I have had a sort of spiritual awakening and am really and truly ready to turn my life around.
In terms of the fallout, I am handling it as best I can. I am really working very hard to just stay in the moment and concentrate on what I can do right this minute to live well. Of course I am worried an anxious about what is going to happen with my license but I can't do anything about that now. For the moment it is sitting in the police station and that is what I know right now. My car is gone forever, that is the law and there will be no way to change that. The police said the information from the court stating my fine and the license situation would arrive in 10 days, it has been a month and nothing has arrived so I just have to keep waiting.
In the meantime I am trying to plan ahead for getting my kids to school and taking them around. Right now it is summer so all of us riding our bikes is not bad. But there are no bike racks at the school so they couldn't park their bikes there. They are too big for me to carry both of them on my regular bike. I am looking at ordering an electric pedicab which is like an adult tricycle that has a seat in the back that can hold two people. It is covered so they wouldn't get wet when it rains.
The hardest part has been the restrictions in the time I spend with my children. I still did not have the bravery to go forward with legal action. I just feel so horrible for what I did and if I am honest can understand where there father is coming from. My time with them has now been increased though and I see them every day in the mornings, with an additional day that they come to my house in the morning and stay until the afternoon and now finally a day that they come at 5pm, spend the night and stay through 3 the next afternoon.
I am staying strong for now. And positive. I will never give up this fight.
I have been doing well, as I suspected I would be. As I said previously, I am out of the habit of daily drinking, I just have these relapses that last 1 or 2 days but they are becoming worse and worse even if infrequent. That is not to say the idea of drinking doesn't cross my mind, it absolutely does, but they are not cravings that are difficult to manage, they are rather just ideas or thoughts that can be swept aside rather easily. I am working so hard though to strengthen my character in order to hopefully prevent this from ever happening again.
I am still seeing my psychologist here in Italy. I am also working with a US based therapist who specialises in trauma, we meet once a week by phone and she gives me quite a bit of homework to do. I speak to my sponsor every day by phone.
I have a new psychiatrist who drastically cleaned up my medication regimen and I feel much better, better than I have felt in years. My former doctor just kept shoving more pills down my throat or increasing the dosage each time I complained of not feeling well or feeling like I wasn't a real person. This new doctor has a "less is more" approach. He also switched me from an SSRI to an SMS which nearly immediately saw positive results. It is like night and day how I feel.
All that said I would like to take a little bit of credit for my current well being, so while I think the medication has been a big part, I also think that I have had a sort of spiritual awakening and am really and truly ready to turn my life around.
In terms of the fallout, I am handling it as best I can. I am really working very hard to just stay in the moment and concentrate on what I can do right this minute to live well. Of course I am worried an anxious about what is going to happen with my license but I can't do anything about that now. For the moment it is sitting in the police station and that is what I know right now. My car is gone forever, that is the law and there will be no way to change that. The police said the information from the court stating my fine and the license situation would arrive in 10 days, it has been a month and nothing has arrived so I just have to keep waiting.
In the meantime I am trying to plan ahead for getting my kids to school and taking them around. Right now it is summer so all of us riding our bikes is not bad. But there are no bike racks at the school so they couldn't park their bikes there. They are too big for me to carry both of them on my regular bike. I am looking at ordering an electric pedicab which is like an adult tricycle that has a seat in the back that can hold two people. It is covered so they wouldn't get wet when it rains.
The hardest part has been the restrictions in the time I spend with my children. I still did not have the bravery to go forward with legal action. I just feel so horrible for what I did and if I am honest can understand where there father is coming from. My time with them has now been increased though and I see them every day in the mornings, with an additional day that they come to my house in the morning and stay until the afternoon and now finally a day that they come at 5pm, spend the night and stay through 3 the next afternoon.
I am staying strong for now. And positive. I will never give up this fight.
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