What A Day!
The Serenity Plus Plan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
Still sober. Feeling alittle bit better. I was feeling very emotional - as you can imagine -last night. Didn't sleep at all.
My wife and I aren't leaving on bad terms - we slept in the same bed last night - and I knew the marriage was in trouble for awhile - I was hoping it would work out.
Thanks again for being there for me last night. I left a message for my therapist so I should be able to see her today.
So here's the plan. My wife is leaving to go on business on Saturday. I'll be packing up and I'll leave Portland, OR for New Jersey - where I'm from - on Monday. That's going to a heck of a drive. Just me and my Aussie and my books.
Rationally, I know it's the best for both of us - but emotionally it's very hard.
I'm not thinking about drinking now, so that is good.
I re-read my posts last - man, was I a mess! I'm very happy I didn't drink though. All of you helped so much.
I'll probably keep posting alot because the next few days are going to be hard.
My wife and I aren't leaving on bad terms - we slept in the same bed last night - and I knew the marriage was in trouble for awhile - I was hoping it would work out.
Thanks again for being there for me last night. I left a message for my therapist so I should be able to see her today.
So here's the plan. My wife is leaving to go on business on Saturday. I'll be packing up and I'll leave Portland, OR for New Jersey - where I'm from - on Monday. That's going to a heck of a drive. Just me and my Aussie and my books.
Rationally, I know it's the best for both of us - but emotionally it's very hard.
I'm not thinking about drinking now, so that is good.
I re-read my posts last - man, was I a mess! I'm very happy I didn't drink though. All of you helped so much.
I'll probably keep posting alot because the next few days are going to be hard.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Exlibris -
Just wanted to chime in with everybody else and say hang in there and don't drink. I understand your pain, I really do. I have very nearly destroyed my own relationship with alcohol, and I'm not feeling very loveable myself right now. Just hang in there. You are NOT unloveable. You are loved.
I hope you're doing better today.
--anne
Just wanted to chime in with everybody else and say hang in there and don't drink. I understand your pain, I really do. I have very nearly destroyed my own relationship with alcohol, and I'm not feeling very loveable myself right now. Just hang in there. You are NOT unloveable. You are loved.
I hope you're doing better today.
--anne
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Right here.
Posts: 105
Hang in there, bro!
I lost the love of my life, too, several years ago. I know what you're going through. I wasn't even drinking yet, at the time. I managed to drive her away just by being a plain, old fashioned *******.
I did manage to screw up two separate chances to get her back, though, by being drunk when she called me wanting to try again.
I don't know how things are going to turn out for you with your relationship, but I thought this was a pretty good illustration of the saying: "There is no problem in the world so bad that picking up a drink won't make it worse".
Time will heal your heart, and there is still happiness waiting for you down the road, but you need to stay sober to find it.
Hang in there, man. It's going to hurt like hell for awhile, but "this too shall pass".
I lost the love of my life, too, several years ago. I know what you're going through. I wasn't even drinking yet, at the time. I managed to drive her away just by being a plain, old fashioned *******.
I did manage to screw up two separate chances to get her back, though, by being drunk when she called me wanting to try again.
I don't know how things are going to turn out for you with your relationship, but I thought this was a pretty good illustration of the saying: "There is no problem in the world so bad that picking up a drink won't make it worse".
Time will heal your heart, and there is still happiness waiting for you down the road, but you need to stay sober to find it.
Hang in there, man. It's going to hurt like hell for awhile, but "this too shall pass".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Exlibris-- Yeah! I am so proud of you. You got through a really hard night without drinking. That's HUGE. Keep coming back and posting here, we can help if you let us. This week sounds like it will be pretty rough. Remember, one day at a time, one thing at a time, one minute at a time, etc. Whatever it takes. Hang in there.
jojo
jojo
The Serenity Plus Plan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
So I'm going to see my therapist today at 1:30 Pacific Time. That will help.
I'm so tired but I can't seem to fall asleep so I think that's contributing to my emotional ups and downs. Took vitamins and ate a couple of bananas, but not particularly hungry.
I'll have to get a hitch put on my car and rent a u-haul.
Question: If anyone has gotten divorced and is the dumpee, how long does it take before you start getting over it? I know it's an individual thing but some idea would be nice. Or what was it like for the first few days, weeks?
Thanks.
I'm so tired but I can't seem to fall asleep so I think that's contributing to my emotional ups and downs. Took vitamins and ate a couple of bananas, but not particularly hungry.
I'll have to get a hitch put on my car and rent a u-haul.
Question: If anyone has gotten divorced and is the dumpee, how long does it take before you start getting over it? I know it's an individual thing but some idea would be nice. Or what was it like for the first few days, weeks?
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Right here.
Posts: 105
Exlibris,
I wasn't actually married, but I was engaged to her, and we had lived together for seven years. The emotional bond that I felt was the same as if she had been my wife.
The first month or so was definitely the worst. Once I allowed myself to accept that it was over, things started getting a little better, day by day. It's definitely a slow process, but after a year or so I finally stopped thinking about her every day. Even now, though, 6 years later, when the subject gets brought up it still hurts some. I think some part of that pain will be with me for the rest of my life. Time does make it easier to deal with, though.
I wish I could have said something more encouraging and uplifting, but hey, we don't come to this board to BS each other. It's going to hurt for awhile. This is one of those things that is SUPPOSED to hurt.
Hang tough, bro! It does get better!
I wasn't actually married, but I was engaged to her, and we had lived together for seven years. The emotional bond that I felt was the same as if she had been my wife.
The first month or so was definitely the worst. Once I allowed myself to accept that it was over, things started getting a little better, day by day. It's definitely a slow process, but after a year or so I finally stopped thinking about her every day. Even now, though, 6 years later, when the subject gets brought up it still hurts some. I think some part of that pain will be with me for the rest of my life. Time does make it easier to deal with, though.
I wish I could have said something more encouraging and uplifting, but hey, we don't come to this board to BS each other. It's going to hurt for awhile. This is one of those things that is SUPPOSED to hurt.
Hang tough, bro! It does get better!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 390
Exlibris -
My boyfriend split up with his ex because she was having an affair, so I'm not sure if his situation fits yours or not... but I would say that it took him a year or so to heal, if not a bit longer. I am divorced myself, but I was the initiator. Although I am the one who wanted the divorce, I was still in a lot of emotional pain for a good year after that, perhaps a little longer. Like you said, I think it depends upon the individual situation, but be sure to go easy on yourself for a fair amount of time. Love doesn't just fade away, even if a breakup is ultimately the best thing for both parties. Sometimes I think people expect to "snap out of it" too quickly; in a divorce - or a breakup of any kind, really - there is emotional trauma that must be dealt with, and it doesn't come easily. It's best to deal with it head-on (and without alcohol!) and not bury it, always keeping in mind that things *will* get better as time goes by. Speaking for myself and my boyfriend - the first few weeks are the hardest, but it gradually gets easier. Try to fill your time with things you love - I did a ton of hiking and running and going and staring at the ocean - and try to surround yourself with people you love... try to get yourself out of your head. I think healing from a broken relationship is a balancing act - you have to admit to the pain and get through it and not rush yourself... and yet you also don't want to wallow. I think I'm babbling; not sure if I'm making sense, here.
Anyhow, please keep yourself safe and don't pick up a drink and do not spend a lot of time beating yourself up. Enough of my advice.
Take care of yourself,
--anne
My boyfriend split up with his ex because she was having an affair, so I'm not sure if his situation fits yours or not... but I would say that it took him a year or so to heal, if not a bit longer. I am divorced myself, but I was the initiator. Although I am the one who wanted the divorce, I was still in a lot of emotional pain for a good year after that, perhaps a little longer. Like you said, I think it depends upon the individual situation, but be sure to go easy on yourself for a fair amount of time. Love doesn't just fade away, even if a breakup is ultimately the best thing for both parties. Sometimes I think people expect to "snap out of it" too quickly; in a divorce - or a breakup of any kind, really - there is emotional trauma that must be dealt with, and it doesn't come easily. It's best to deal with it head-on (and without alcohol!) and not bury it, always keeping in mind that things *will* get better as time goes by. Speaking for myself and my boyfriend - the first few weeks are the hardest, but it gradually gets easier. Try to fill your time with things you love - I did a ton of hiking and running and going and staring at the ocean - and try to surround yourself with people you love... try to get yourself out of your head. I think healing from a broken relationship is a balancing act - you have to admit to the pain and get through it and not rush yourself... and yet you also don't want to wallow. I think I'm babbling; not sure if I'm making sense, here.
Anyhow, please keep yourself safe and don't pick up a drink and do not spend a lot of time beating yourself up. Enough of my advice.
Take care of yourself,
--anne
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey ... :O)
You asked about grieving... and how long...
When my marriage ended... I found it somewhat comforting to know what was coming down the pipe ... so I've found a link that I hope will give you some idea of what might be ahead.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
Keep in mind that one can get stuck in a phase for a long time ... or can bounce back and forth between some of the stages ...
You asked about grieving... and how long...
When my marriage ended... I found it somewhat comforting to know what was coming down the pipe ... so I've found a link that I hope will give you some idea of what might be ahead.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
Keep in mind that one can get stuck in a phase for a long time ... or can bounce back and forth between some of the stages ...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Yo exLibris!
Truly sorry to hear about your situation. Three weeks ago I came home from shutting down my buisiness due to bancruptcy and my wife called me into the den and asked me for a divorce. Not the _best_ timing :-)
Yup, I cried like a baby. Yup, I have felt like a failure. Yup, the whole world sucks and life is downright cruel. Yup, I wanted to hide in a hole and make the pain go away by whatever means possible.
No, I did not drink or use. Just for now. Just for the next five minutes. That's it. That's all you have to do. Just five minutes at a time.
Yes, I called all my friends on the program and cried on the phone. I went to a meeting every day, sometimes two. Posted on this forum so much they were going to run out of disk space. Everybody I know has reached out and let me know they are there for me. Yes, I have survived the "shock", the guilt, the endless wondering "why".
The pain lessens very quickly. The shock wears off fast and you will be able to think and figure out what you have to do. Just get yourself over the next five minutes, that's what works best for me.
No, don't get on the pity pot. Your HP has given you the gift of sobriety for a reason. In a few weeks there will be another guy just like you and me needing someone to tell them it's going to be ok. Get off the pity pot and call your sponsor. Call your best friend. Call the central office and talk to them. Go to a meeting. Read the book. Whatever you do, do _not_ stay home alone and get on the pity pot.
What you are allowed is to live happy, joyous and free. That is what you deserve, but that life is not on the pity pot. It's out there working your program. So get on the phone. Get on the phone now and then post here again.
Mike :-)
Truly sorry to hear about your situation. Three weeks ago I came home from shutting down my buisiness due to bancruptcy and my wife called me into the den and asked me for a divorce. Not the _best_ timing :-)
Yup, I cried like a baby. Yup, I have felt like a failure. Yup, the whole world sucks and life is downright cruel. Yup, I wanted to hide in a hole and make the pain go away by whatever means possible.
No, I did not drink or use. Just for now. Just for the next five minutes. That's it. That's all you have to do. Just five minutes at a time.
Yes, I called all my friends on the program and cried on the phone. I went to a meeting every day, sometimes two. Posted on this forum so much they were going to run out of disk space. Everybody I know has reached out and let me know they are there for me. Yes, I have survived the "shock", the guilt, the endless wondering "why".
The pain lessens very quickly. The shock wears off fast and you will be able to think and figure out what you have to do. Just get yourself over the next five minutes, that's what works best for me.
No, don't get on the pity pot. Your HP has given you the gift of sobriety for a reason. In a few weeks there will be another guy just like you and me needing someone to tell them it's going to be ok. Get off the pity pot and call your sponsor. Call your best friend. Call the central office and talk to them. Go to a meeting. Read the book. Whatever you do, do _not_ stay home alone and get on the pity pot.
What you are allowed is to live happy, joyous and free. That is what you deserve, but that life is not on the pity pot. It's out there working your program. So get on the phone. Get on the phone now and then post here again.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Your HP has given you the gift of sobriety for a reason. In a few weeks there will be another guy just like you and me needing someone to tell them it's going to be ok. Get off the pity pot and call your sponsor. Call your best friend. Call the central office and talk to them. Go to a meeting. Read the book. Whatever you do, do _not_ stay home alone and get on the pity pot.
What you are allowed is to live happy, joyous and free. That is what you deserve, but that life is not on the pity pot. It's out there working your program. So get on the phone. Get on the phone now and then post here again.
Mike :-)
What you are allowed is to live happy, joyous and free. That is what you deserve, but that life is not on the pity pot. It's out there working your program. So get on the phone. Get on the phone now and then post here again.
Mike :-)
The Serenity Plus Plan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
Thanks DesertEyes and Chy. I just got back from my therapist and I'll see her again on Thursday.
I'm starting to feel a bit better from talking to her and realizing that it is over. I kept asking my wife that there had to be something we could do. In fact I just got off the phone with her and she said she was in a place where she couldn't come back. For whatever reason, this time really clicked.
And although this is really hard, it will be good. I'll be back in New Jersey - now in Oregon - with my family. Down side - I'll be staying with my mother!
Actually it will be fine. It will give me time to save some money and regroup. She also owns a condo in the down in The Atlantic Highlands - very close to the ocean that she'll rent to me really cheaply when the tenants move out in June.
But I'll be back close to New York and all my friends - not drinking buddies - but friends. I really do miss New York.
Eventually I'll meet someone else. I'm a good person. And I think a good husband. My wife and I are really two different people. If this didn't happen now, it would have happened sooner or later.
Luckily, I don't have a desire to drink. It's not there at all. Just so damn tired from not being able to sleep last night and just exhausted.
I probably still post alot, if you don't mind.
I'm starting to feel a bit better from talking to her and realizing that it is over. I kept asking my wife that there had to be something we could do. In fact I just got off the phone with her and she said she was in a place where she couldn't come back. For whatever reason, this time really clicked.
And although this is really hard, it will be good. I'll be back in New Jersey - now in Oregon - with my family. Down side - I'll be staying with my mother!
Actually it will be fine. It will give me time to save some money and regroup. She also owns a condo in the down in The Atlantic Highlands - very close to the ocean that she'll rent to me really cheaply when the tenants move out in June.
But I'll be back close to New York and all my friends - not drinking buddies - but friends. I really do miss New York.
Eventually I'll meet someone else. I'm a good person. And I think a good husband. My wife and I are really two different people. If this didn't happen now, it would have happened sooner or later.
Luckily, I don't have a desire to drink. It's not there at all. Just so damn tired from not being able to sleep last night and just exhausted.
I probably still post alot, if you don't mind.
The Serenity Plus Plan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
And thanks BikeWench, I'm going to the site now.
And the other thing I wanted to mention is that my therapist said that it's going to be like swimming against the current trying to reach the beach which you can see but not get to. The thing is, she said, is that I will reach the beach and come out stronger than I ever imagined.
I liked that.
And the other thing I wanted to mention is that my therapist said that it's going to be like swimming against the current trying to reach the beach which you can see but not get to. The thing is, she said, is that I will reach the beach and come out stronger than I ever imagined.
I liked that.
The Serenity Plus Plan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
Most definitely will. I'll probably leave this Sunday or Monday and I'll give myself 5 days to get there. I asked my Mom, who is kind enough to let me stay with her, to get broadband put in. So hopefully when I get there I can jump right in.
But trust me, you'll see me post here alot before I leave.
This place has helped me so much yesterday and today. I don't think could of made it without your help.
But trust me, you'll see me post here alot before I leave.
This place has helped me so much yesterday and today. I don't think could of made it without your help.
The Serenity Plus Plan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
Thanks Missy.
Today I keep coming back to SR over and over.
I walk away and try do something else and before I know it I'm back here!
I think that's good.
And I really need the support too!
Today I keep coming back to SR over and over.
I walk away and try do something else and before I know it I'm back here!
I think that's good.
And I really need the support too!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Clearwater, FL
Posts: 30
I can speak from the other side. It's a very lonely place to feel so sad and alone when the one person you are supposed to trust and rely on in emotinally unavailable. This cannot be easy on your ex-wife. 5 years ago I made the decsion to end my Marriage-not because of alcohol or drugs but all of the affairs (he plays Arena Football) so he was away soo much. Instead I became the one with the drinking problem. I still have that problem but I met the most wonderful man during my Divorce and we have been together since. I have put him through a lot of pain but he refuses to give up on me, and you will find that in someone. Some relationships are just not meant to be, as hard as it is to accept. I won;t lie, it's going to hurt like hell for a long time but there is a light at the end of the tunnell and it will get brighter and brighter as you approach it.
Love, Cindi
Love, Cindi
The Serenity Plus Plan
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: The Garden State
Posts: 157
Thanks Cindy. It has been hell. But I'm still sober today and I'm so glad for that. I couldn't handle this drunk.
I leave Saturday morning. I was going to leave on Monday but my wife is leaving to go away on business on Saturday and it would just be too hard to watch her drive away and then coming back into the house. I think it will be easier if I leave first.
This is so damn hard.
I leave Saturday morning. I was going to leave on Monday but my wife is leaving to go away on business on Saturday and it would just be too hard to watch her drive away and then coming back into the house. I think it will be easier if I leave first.
This is so damn hard.
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