Buckley3

Geez... I stay away for a few days and miss all the fun.

First, nice job on not caving. Loved your perspectives and ownership of it all. And MAN can I relate. I am about as awkward right now socially as a person can be...and it doesn't take much for me to get all hyper-sensitive and full of self-pity about how "different" I am or feel because I don't drink.

Which, of course, is all AV bs as you've acknowledged.

But yeah - you're right too - drinking alcohol is a big part of the social fabric of society. Except of course that only we as drunks fixate on that particular aspect of it. Kind of like the way we - as drunks - fixate so much about having it or not having it.

I suspect the reality is most people don't care one way or the other and that we are just a bit raw still at this stage. I mean - you and I have what... 30-90 days ish respectively? We're adolescents still. I'm betting the awkwardness of it all will fade.

Great topic. Great venting. If I'm honest I'll say straight up that my social life sucks right now too. I just haven't gotten to a place that I'm comfortable enough with it all yet. But I will. So will you. You know this.

By the way - did you discuss with your wife at all? None of my business of course - but thought perhaps talking it out with her may be of some help? She seems supportive enough...

Now go stir up some more controversy please. I demand moar entertainment. (just kidding of course... )

B

MesaMan

.
LG ~

I kinda blundered along with my Sobriety cast in Stone, and responded to Social Situations somewhat ad hoc. The core committment never changed, although it was not easy early-on to adapt. SR provided invaluable Perspective.

One Metaphor I've used here is this: when the Sober Options on an imaginary Chess Board didn't suit me, I didn't just shuffle those unacceptable Chess Pieces around. I swept the entire Board onto the Floor, and started over with options that suited me. That is, when Social Evening 'x' didn't suit me, I didn't sweat the repercussions. I simply didn't go. I'm the only Person I'm obligated to. Moreover, I didn't second-guess my choices, or curse the Drinking Universe. That World can go along in parallel with my Sober Universe.

When I forged my own choices, I got happier in Sobriety. Then, it wasn't some 'sacrifice'. Later, I could circle around to accepting certain Social Situations where there will be *some* Drinking. The Drinking is just something else I don't care about IF I have the final say on my attendance. 'No' is a complete sentence.

4+ Years in, I'm skipping a July Wedding this Summer I was getting heat to attend. It was gonna be a Bender, and there was heat to attend a Night-before formal Dinner. And, a Brunch the Day after. There was Travel involved, and difficulty in finding a place that would accept our Dog. I worked very hard on making it all work, and finally said 'chuck it'. Simply too much trouble. I was busting my Butt to go have a bad time. I'm out. We're out.

I absolutely don't miss the Drinking 'stuff', so there's no sense of 'loss'. Soldier on. You'll get past the P.O.ed-ness as you take control of your Sober choices, and all that becomes The New Normal. IME, this all becomes a great big *whatever* that deserves very little Brain Time...
.

Dee74

There was a guy used to be around here - he was adamant all he ever had to do was quit drinking - in all other respects his life was awesome.

I couldn't relate to that then, and I can't relate to that now,

I'd fashioned my old life all around drinking. I couldn't live that life no matter how much I wanted to - I'd either drink again or be eternally miserable - or probably both given enough time.

To those who can stop drinking and live the same life unchanged like that old SR member, my hats off to ya - but I couldn't manage it.

D

Ladysadie

Thanks D. Thanks for being real, I hear you on that.

goodbyeevan

When I opened this and saw "sucks", it did sting a bit. Only because I'm new in sobriety too and hoping so so so much it gets better socially speaking. I lost so many friends when I got sober and haven't made many yet from AA. It's so cliquey. But I keep being told it gets better. I fiercely want to believe it. I am more convinced I will get there, after reading these replies. I don't like that it may take years, but hey, my sobriety is worth it. And friendships that dont revolve around drinking and doing as many drugs as possible, those will be worth it. I don't know what it's like to have normies as friends. I hope the flooding technique works well for ya LG.

Renvate

Considering most of my issues are circulating around socializing sober
ill probably join in with you guys.


As ive posted before, having socializing challenges. Somone stated that it's because i care what people think etc. Which is true.

But the thing ive come to realize i was socially happy 2 years ago, i didnt care two hoots what people thought of me anymore, i was actually HAPPY!


BUT

i was drinking every single night to passing out. I didn't care what people thought because i was always coming home to my escape, to my world.

now that I am sobering up this "caring what people think" is becoming worse :/

Madnellie

It really does get better. For such a long time it seemed like booze was all around me, all the time but that feeling gradually fades.
Don't get me wrong, some days the cravings come back big time, and I still turn down events where drinking is one of the main activities. However, it has got easier to be around alcohol in settings where it isn't the main focus

Buckley3

I can definitely relate to this. I felt a bit deflated after hitting a meeting on Sunday morning because of the social/ cliquey thing. Seems AA is just like many if not all other associations and what not.

It's a game of expectations I guess.

I'm also learning that part of it at least is that when I was a drunk I didn't feel much. Now I'm not and I do - and that includes some of the lows. I keep reminding myself that being able to feel is better than being numb and just clocking in and out mindlessly.

I'm certain it gets better, even if I can't always see it yet.

lessgravity

Love my sobriety. Proud of it. Understand that it now and will continue to provide me with meaning, hope, opportunity and all the most important things in life.

However, and I know the general response to this, sometimes it really sucks.

One of my closest and best friends is having a wedding party tonight. Incredibly cool and diverse and fun crowd. Instead of being able to enjoy myself, I popped by, gave my boy a pound and left after 10 minutes. Although I knew I wasn't going to drink, I felt the anxiety and frustration.

And now headed home and not able to enjoy that night of meeting people, talking laughing etc, I'm going to watch a movie a go to bed.

Is my sobriety worth it? Bet my life it is. But is there some times a sad, frustrating cost? Yes, there is that too.

Dee74

This is not how its going to always be, Less and it's not as good as it's going to get

I drank for 20 years or so, and drugged for longer than that - it took a little time for me to become secure in my recovery but I did.

Now I can do anywhere and do anything I want to do.

I also have the freedom not to do anything I don't want to do as well.

Keep the faith

D

ps cultural gap - what did you give your friend a pound of?

D

DontRemember

You're still "raw" in terms of sobriety though. I've got like 18'ish months behind me and absolutely know I can not drink 'normal'. I'm your age also... I went to meet up with an old drinking friends exwife and her friends the other night at a show/concert thing..got there at 10pm and think I got home around 2(my phone died)? I went to meet her friend because I'm single,she's single and hot..that thing..anyways. They were drinking a bit in excess celebrating or whatever and I still had a blast not drinking! Sure a "couple of beers" sounded nice and the girl I went to meet even offered to buy me a drink..that was funny and made me think she was 'trying to get me drunk'..Once you get some time behind you, NOT drinking becomes a habit,just like drinking did. Try not to put yourself in those situations until you have a firm grip on your sobriety though...I went back to drinking a lot in the past doing just that.

August252015

Reread through these posts.

A couple things that jump out at me, from various posters not just Less -

My life just doesn't suck - ever. I'm not happy all day every day, for sure, but I'm happy at least part or most of every day.

I think one reason is because I stopped entertaining "divided thoughts" or holding onto thoughts of "what my life was." What it WAS truly sucked by the end, and if I am honest, wasn't truly "fun" for quite awhile with its focus on drinking. So, as the Big Book says, "what is the solution?...when I stopped living in the problem and began living in the solution..." (para 4th ed) ....everything changed.

I also learned that this isn't a disease I can "think my way out of" or "understand" in order to get better (or possibly at all). I just had to quit drinking and start recovering. I also work in a restaurant. From that vantage point - and from being a sober person dining in nice places- everyone doesn't drink and if they did, it doesn't effect me.

I guess what I am saying is why in the world would I choose to do things that make me feel bad? If I don't enjoy something- or find myself in comparison mode to others' experiences or choices - I don't stay. I have built too good a life in recovery to spend a minute deliberately putting myself in situations that make me gripe, whine, or get mad. I guess it's about perspective for me.

An ultimate point of freedom recovery brings is that we can do and go and be anywhere and everywhere- and we don't have to be mad about. That's our choice- and why would I choose to self-sabotage that way?

Just some middle of the night $0.02.

notgonnastoptry

I haven't read all the replies, but, based on my postings here, I'm going to guess that a lot of people assured you that your brain rewires itself, you will begin to conceive of pleasure differently, it just takes time, etc.

I'm here to tell you that I've been sober for two years and I'm nowhere near picking up again. I'm going to echo what you said: it really sucks. So much of our lives revolve around casual drinking; so much of our entertainment involves alcohol--from picnics, to celebrations, to vacations, to nights out.

It doesn't get any better or easier--at least for me. I don't look forward to BBQs or social events very much anymore but those are consequences I paid. I like to think I'm highly intelligent, but I still feel sorry for myself and wish I could partake but it's not going to happen.

Porcetta

Have to agree with LG & above too.
Alcohol is EVERYWHERE here, we have a binge drinking culture ++.

A lot if replies are along the lines is that it gets easier, or you'll find a lot of non drinkers at social events. This simply is not the case here (and I'm not obsessing or constantly thinking about it).

To give you an idea- outside my social circle we had a work do..... 40 ish people, ranging from 20 -70, there was less than 5 people not drinking.

Dee74

Not to big note myself but one of my posts in this thread is about building a new sober life I love.

If I was trying to shoehorn sober me into basically my old drinkers life I'd be miserable.

Watching other people get wasted is really boring.

Not everyone drinks and not everyone drinks to excess. - I know that now because I actively seek out those people.

I guess you're younger than me (I'm 50) but I think it holds true for most of us.

If sobriety as you know it sucks you may not drink again, but you may not have much fun.

It doesn't have to suck

D

MissPerfumado

To be really honest, the thought of not being able to spend an evening drinking with an "incredibly cool and fun and diverse" crowd at a wedding... doesn't give me massive FOMO.

But we are all different. I'm highly introverted and used to drink alone at home. You may be the sort of guy who draws energy from other people. An evening of lots of chatter, buzz, etc. is possibly what makes you feel alive and fulfilled.

If that's the case, I simply don't think that's forever lost to you. There must be thousands of people in your big city who are happily sober and who do those nights out. Celebrities, socialites, some of those people must be sober and rocking sobriety, and also rocking having a good time out with their friends.

I still think it would be worth waiting for a period of adjustment to sobriety before feeling like it will always suck. I really do.

I even think those big nights out could be even better if you're sober because you'll be able to remember those cool conversations and new people and not have a hammering hangover the next day.

ClearPath64

Pretty sure lg is referring to a fist pound, which is akin to a high five, back in our day. Not to be mistaken with a bro hug. You know, the way guys show affection and still retain their man card. I might have just exceeded my quota of weird American guy terms.

Rar

I get it Less. The social aspect of drinking is not exclusive to the young. The people in my social circle are senior citizens and it seems they all drink. I don't think I know anyone here who doesn't drink. There are porch parties somewhere every day, starting mid afternoon. I haven't been to any yet, but sometimes I'm sad that I don't attend.

ScottFromWI

Feeling sorry for ourselves/self-pity is quite common for those who quit drinking at some point. And I think you hit the nail on the head that that's really what this thread is all about. We want to be "part of the fun" and we assume the we need to be drinking to have fun. It's utter BS though being fed to us by our addiction. There are entire societies and cultures, even here in the USA that thrive socially/economically in complete abstinence. And they don't do so because the are alcoholics - they do so because their religion or other societal values prohibit or strongly discourage the use of alcohol.

The solution of course is to do other things. While alcohol seems to be "everywhere", there are a myriad of things that you can do that don't have a focus on drinking. Sure if you want to hang out a bars or clubs that's not likely going to work well. But even at a social BBQ's or weddings or parties, there are plenty of people that aren't drinking.

entropy1964

Well LG I understand what you are saying. I would be telling a big fat lie if there weren't times I 'wished' I wasn't an addict. I'm not the person who is a grateful and joyous alcoholic as I hear some say in AA. I don't spend my days 'happy, joyous and free'....but I'm also not 'restless irritable and discontent'.

I remind myself quickly that when I feel these thoughts they are the beginnings, or inklings of romancing. That is me. I remind myself that alcohol makes me insane and there is nothing fun about it. Nothing. And there never will be.

I haven't been sober very long this time. 15 months give or take a week. I have intentionally changed my life radically. I cannot drink. Ever. And for me I know how easily I can pick up that first one. In a way its easy for me. I have never been a social person. I retired when I had my daughter and never really established a group of friends outside of work. That's also when I became an addict....so no drinking buddies either...just drank alone.

I am content. Happy? Sometimes. Sad? Sometimes. But life is ok. And that's ok. I'll know when I'm ready to branch out....and that will be with people that I share sober interests with. Hiking, reading, movies, yoga, fitness, history.

I also know from experience that being around drinkers gets easier the farther I am away from a drink. I'm just not sure I want to be around them anymore.

Anyway, I hear ya. Hang in there. You're still really early days. So am I!