MyLittleHorsie

I get what you are saying Less.

I did not stop my social life one iota. In dog and horse training and I believe it is used in people therapy, there is a technique called flooding. So for example you have a fearful dog, you provide a prolonged exposure to what they are fearful of, the thought being adrenaline only lasts so long and eventually there is no more fear response.

I flooded myself so to speak. Terrible recipe for disaster for most alcoholics. First weekend, dinner and a dance, next weekend something else. Christmas balls and galas, parties, New Year's Eve trip and party. I couldn't give up my social life. One of my companies is an event company. I knew to be successful, I had to get over It.

I did the work I needed to at home on my recovery and had a plethora of palatable excuses why I didn't drink. Today I celebrate 7 months and if offered a drink, i simply say no, I have no qualms saying I do not drink and if pressed, I simply say it stopped agreeing with me.

I have a small weekend jaunt next month, 6 or 7 small events, house guests coming, theater tickets. I won't drink. This is my new normal. I do my recovery work, I attend my events and I have accepted, this is how it is.

For me, I would have stayed at the bar, gone to the Korean bbq (nothing could have kept me from that.) However I have accepted this is my life now. I hold my clutch purse with both hands at galas, which actually makes a better line in my gown especially if I hit the bakery that morning instead of the gym. I Don't dance in groups, Dh and I wait for a foxtrot. I Don't have wine with anything, although sometimes I have extra dessert! I had a moment last weekend where it was everywhere... It bugged me. Yesterday we went out for a big lunch at a brewery. Water off a ducks back. So what they can drink, I am going to eat this killer burger with balsamic glaze and goat cheese and omg fresh arugula. They carried my favorite flavour of tea. I was content with that.

You have to do it. Accept it as your reality and move on. I personally Don't care what anyone thinks. My disease, my recovery and my journey.

lessgravity

Wow and thank you thank you.

This made my day. Beyond refreshing to hear this. I don't and am not going to give up my social life either. There are times though, as you also express, where it is frustrating. Every time though, as you also express ha, I get home or wake up the next day or here I am on a Monday after a 6am hardcore gym session proud, relieved and sure of my sobriety.

Thank you again for your perspective - I'll be at the next Korean BBQ with you, seltzer with lemon in hand.

MyLittleHorsie

Darn it now my mouth is watering for Korean bbq and here I am with southern style marinating in the fridge.

Doing it this way, does not mean you take sobriety any less seriously than the next person and be careful of those who will imply you do. I don't use flooding on my herding dogs, but my working dogs with the strong willed minds, they can handle it. With everything, it is one method and not for everyone. It really comes down to a fight in your own mind and you have to be strong because it will be hard for you and others, getting used to the change. There were awkward moments at first, but now everyone has accepted. i don't drink and it helps there is that healthy dose of fear that depending on my mood, i might respond with, "personal questions on such short acquaintance are really in poor taste. Or they might get told, "none of your effing business, settle down." Either way they look like a nosy Parker. Being a bitch has advantages.

Ladysadie

Less, I think you offer up a very good post for people who are working through their sobriety/recovery, certainly it has been thought provoking for myself as I've mulled it through my own head.

I hear you on the social aspects of drinking, often times watching crowds myself in wonder and awe (and sometimes disgust) how alcohol interplays situationally. For me as I've gotten older, my desire to be social under such settings has been tempered by a little maturity and the desire to be safe and sane so I do not care if alcohol is served or not. (It hasn't a social venue that has been my nemesis but the being sequestered at home in a safe environment that has caused me my issues.)

Time will give you perspective, and I think you will feel less [cognitive dissonance] as you observe others partaking alcohol. I know when I was in my 40's there was a sense I needed a drink as a "prop" to feel part of the scene but as I've aged it's actually not as relevant.

I've seen and heard of too many who have driven "buzzed" that have been involved in accidents or situations with the law where regretfully there was harm or consequences of a negative sort. I think as you go further on your journey there comes a serene peace in your new life.

MissPerfumado

Put me in the camp of those who think your views on the interplay between socialising and alcohol will change with more sober time.

My whole family (bar my father, who is a recovering alcoholic) socialises with alcohol. I also work in a profession which lubricates its social and work events with alcohol. Dinner parties, sports events, client functions, weekend brunches, kids' birthday parties, if it has a social element, it usually involves alcohol.

When I first got sober, it was an issue. I didn't feel sorry for myself but I often felt awkward, tense, isolated and/or conspicuous at social events with alcohol.

Now I don't think about it. I don't drink - most people who know me know I don't drink. It is irrelevant to the way I socialise and irrelevant to my decisions about whether to socialise.

But it really did take time. That was the key for me.

daredevil

Fair points, less.

You see people drinking on a warm, Sunday afternoon, and naturally, you want to partake.
So would I.
But I find it useful to be realistic: I can't remember the last time I went out and drank like normal folk. If I could, I would. Since I can't, I don't. I drank to oblivion, and that's not sustainable.

Then again, when I viewed sobriety as deprivation I wasn't able to sustain it.

Good job getting through it.

lessgravity

Yes I don't recall the last time, if I every did, drink like normal folk. Oblivion was always the name of the game, which is unsustainable so here I am - sober. Pretty much repeated your post, which I agree with except -

these feelings do not drop me into a state of deprivation. They are more like pining after an ex-lover, who is gone for good, and for the best. One can still miss them, even if in the end, they were not good for you. I am not essentially deprived by staying sober - some days one feels the pangs for what was, even if what was became a horror show.

For me, seems better to work through these natural, if contradictory, experiences in early sobriety, rather than pretend they aren't there, label them as pure AV or be afraid to look at the objectively.

Sober as a bird, this Monday morning, and sober I'll stay.

daredevil

I agree, less.

Notice I never used the term AV.

lessgravity

This, 100%.

Thanks again MLH, much of your thoughts are what I am going to work with this week.

dwtbd

Up-thread I did use the term AV , but I meant Beast ( the desire for booze), IT jonesing for booze was very evident in the OP.( qua desire IT is 'jonesing' )

AV is any thought, image or positive feeling about future alcohol consumption and any doubt in one's own ability to remain abstinent. The falsehood that you 'can't' is AV in that it implies alternative . It simply isn't true that you can not drink, you are free to choose to , the AV would never say "don't" as in I don't drink or "never"for that matter .

entropy1964

This thread is interesting. Its not like you're saying anything that hasn't been said here before by dozens of other people. I think some of the more powerful reactions are simply because people know you and they care....I care. I 'like' you so to speak and I enjoy your posts so I do stop and really take notice of what you are saying. I think there is a 'pattern' that is observed with your previous posts so this one sent up red flags. As I said earlier, I think you see it and I understand the perspective of the post.

I know just enough to be dangerous about Rational Recovery so I'm pretty sure I misuse the term AV and Beast a lot. But I have begun to really broaden my idea of AV....it, for me, isn't just that voice that is so clear....the one that suggests drinking, or maybe at some point, or after a certain amount of time, or if some unforeseen event happened, etc. That's the obvious stuff. I have even found, for me, it can have me proclaiming to the world that I will never drink again...sneaky bastard.

Ok get to the point Frick! I was in a meeting on Saturday. A gal was sharing about how she 'always sabotages' herself. Everything is going great and WHAM. She just sets out to destroy her life. Yeah, me too, for sure. I always thought, I must hate myself. Or I'm thinking I don't deserve to be happy. Or I have some bizarre mental illness that cannot allow me to be happy. I have had a number of counselors go into great detail as to why I do this. Unhappy childhood, sexual abuse, neglect, death, cancer, trauma. Etc etc. And ok, I can get behind some of that, but it never really made sense. I mean, I really wasn't engaging in this 'sabotage' behavior before I faced I was alcoholic and set out to quit. So, for me, I believe some of these behaviors, ways of thinking, ways of acting out that seem almost out of my control or sabotaging are actually my addiction being ultra sneaky. Is that the beast? I dunno. But what this gal was saying in the meeting seemed to be pure AV bs. She's not sabotaging, she's setting up her next bender. So, don't know if any of this makes a lick of sense. But I know when my thinking gets, um, weird, I have to wonder, who's really doing the thinking? I'm pretty sure my beast or whatever is smart as hell. Maybe it has base drives, but its extremely manipulative.

God that took a lot of words to say. I'm so wordy And I'm not sure I actually said anything.

entropy1964

And I should add, because I haven't babbled on long enough, that when that straight up AV voice is totally silent....I get really worried. I haven't been sober that long, a little over a year this time, and if it doesn't pipe up at all....I wonder, where is the little bastard?

dwtbd

I took the quit for good route(quat ) and tease that sob every now again , just cuz.

BrandNewDay11

Yes! What you described is exactly why the Rational Recovery book takes so long to explain why some of AA's methods can backfire. The mindset of "This is beyond my control" and "I'm powerless over alcohol" and "I have a disease" --RR believes all of that sets you up to inevitably have repeated "relapses". After all, if you believe you drink because you have an inborn disease that causes you to drink it's all too easy to rationalize going back to drinking. "'Cos that's what alcoholics are born to do--drink". Yes, that quote is directly from the Addictive Voice.

I really relate to that part of the RR method. I could never embrace the idea that any "disease" could cause me to purchase alcohol, put it to my lips and swallow it--it makes no sense at all to me. Could there be a genetic predisposition to anxiety, depression, of impulsive behavior--conditions that cause many people to turn to alcohol? Absolutely! But the anxiety and depression is the disease, alcoholism is just a bad habit. That's how I see it anyway, no offense to anyone who has different views AS LONG AS IT WORKS.

TeeJayVerm

But if this is how he feels, then he should get it out there... people who are further along in their recovery were likely at this line of irrational thinking at some point during their recovery, right?

I love posts like these. It starts a dialogue and the dialogue is extremely helpful for anyone struggling with recovery. I know there is a lot of irrational thoughts in that post... and I tend to think VERY irrationally myself... but the feedback of others can help bring us back to a more appropriate line of thinking.

daredevil

All methods work, provided the commitment to abstinence is unconditional.

Relapse can't be attributed to a method. That's on the individual.

lessgravity

Thanks Frick, I really appreciate it. And yes I certainly know the tendencies of self-sabotage. I'm not drinking anymore, but those habits are slow to die. Looking forward to seeing what I can do, finally, fully sober.

JoeCree

Mylittlehorsie - it's great you didnt change your social life, and went at it head on. Others, like myself cant risk it so early in sobriety.

In my first year, i avoided any and all situations that would make me uncomfortable.

I dont have problems public speaking, and have always enjoyed being with groups of people. But I suffer from anxiety/depression, this renders me exhausted by days end. Alcohol (used to) curb my anxiety, and make me feel awake and alive. All of those events you described are simply exhausting now, ill do it if no choice - but given one; ill take a quiet evening at home 99x out of 100

jaynie04

Hi less. My first year of sobriety I scaled back my social life dramatically. My social circle consisted and still does of people who enjoy drinking. I was determined to get sober, and I knew that trying to carry on as if my life was the same , except I no longer drank, was a recipe for disaster for me.

We are non-drinkers in a drinking world. Before I got sober the mention of ANYTHING caused me to immediately think about whether or not I could make drinking a part of it. I was 47 when I got sober. Thirty odd years of drinking, aside from the addiction, it was also a habit.

I didn't do anything the first year that wasn't necessary that made me feel pangs about not drinking. I was relearning life without my crutch.

For most of us alcohol has become the absolute focus by the time we have a problem. The thing with getting sober is that the hardest work is at the outset. Everything feels weird, annoying, surreal...how will we ever(__________) without alcohol?

It gets easier and easier. I don't take my sobriety for granted but there are days that go by now where I don't even think about it. If you had told me that 5 years ago I would not have believed you.

The funny thing is that my life now is pretty similar to what it was before I quit drinking. I am still usually one of the last ones to leave a dinner party or restaurant, and I look forward. to going out for meals, movies, parties.

You cut out a major driving force in your life, there is a huge hole that you are going to have to fill and it is not going to happen overnight. As long as you are sober you are on the right road. I know you can and will figure out how to make this work for you, but it won't be immediate, and when you have those moments or hours now where you forget about drinking just know that those hours will stretch into days.

I didn't want to get sober. I told myself that it was the only option, and if life was miserable so be it. At least I knew it would be different than what I had been doing that was not working. I was pretty sure that life would be boring boring boring...it is not!!!! I look back now on my last year of drinking and shudder, there was nothing fun about it. All I remember is how dark and depressing everything felt all the time.

I didn't want to be surrounded by drinkers my first year. I knew I needed to take baby steps and I knew that this was truly a life or death decision. Stay close to SR, eat candy (sorry, I know so many people get healthy right away but I ate an ocean of Swedish Fish) and baby yourself.

A year from now your life will be different, stay the course.

MyLittleHorsie

My life is exhausting. Everything my kids do, I get involved in some way. I coach, I volunteer, I own two polar opposite companies, plus our nonprofit foundation. Add in my animals, well my day starts at 5 and ends at 10 or 11, I put 50,000kms a year on my SUV. I was on anxiety meds for 20 plus years. I lost my bottle while moving and haven't taken them since then. I will not hesitate to call my pharmacy if i need them.

When I drank I wasn't as effective in my work or home life. That has all changed. It is why my sobriety is so important. I will not drink again. Come too far and worked too hard.

Alcohol took enough when I was drinking. Nothing will ever rob me of time with my family again. Everything I do, I try to do to benefit others. That is what sobriety is to me. I am finally the kind of wife, mother, friend, boss and human that I want to be and who I can be proud of.

It is different strokes for each of us. I share what I did with Less because I see what Less is saying and I know, I did it completely against the grain and it works for me. It kick started those sober muscles. I get my me time, i have mg hair appointments, my cosmetic procedures, work slows down a bit now, last weekend i got to enjoy a 6 hour road trip by myself to buy a piece of harness equipment for my horses. That would be a nightmare for others, that is my idea of downtime

Everyone is different that is what makes the world such a beautiful place. It is also why without being terminally unique too much, recovery and no longer drinking is not just one way of doing things, one has to be open to all possible options and methods.